I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, July 15, 2012

What I want, what I need

Yesterday was Nick’s birthday.  And I did get his birthday spanking, with all the trimmings.  He used a different implement for each decade and I was stinging toward the end – my fault entirely for being married to an old man! But we had a very good time.  Now on to the post I’ve been trying to work on…

Last week was a strange one.  I began three posts and didn’t finish any of them because I just didn’t know what I wanted to say. But here goes, because if it rolls around in my head any longer it gonna explode.

Let me preface this with the fact I know we are both (mostly Nick) running in circles with the renovations, but Nick and I are in one of our most difficult and long lasting cycles.  We each want one important thing from the other, yet neither of us is getting what we want/need.  I want Nick to be more dominant and to spank me more, Nick wants me to initiate sex more.  Neither of us means to ‘hold back’ as in “Since you won’t do this, then I won’t do that.” But the effects are the same.

I liked Bas’ last post – he described our problem pretty well. I’ve never really felt sexy.  Like most girls coming to age in the 60’s and 70’s, I learned about sex from my mother.  Who had in turn, learned from her mother, who was born in 1880!!  Yes it was these two wild women who formed my view on sex.  The basic idea was that ‘nice girl’ only did it after marriage, and only if they wanted to get pregnant. Later they might choose to 'endure sex' to possibly keep their husband from straying.  The idea was to allow your husband to have his way with you and hope he didn’t wake you.

Intellectually, I didn’t believe that.  I think we girls should pole dance and strip for our man; install that trapeze right into the mirror over the bed.  I think our toy boxes should be filled with every vibrating apparatus known to man and that our closet shelves should be lined with spanking implements.

I think that, but I never really lived it.  When we were first married I just wasn't much good at sex, I was so repressed.  But I rarely, if ever, turned him down. Nick’s not stupid and I know he felt my lack of enthusiasm and participation.  He wanted more of a response, I’m sure, but he was a gentleman and wasn’t pushy.  And over the years we probably averaged once a month.

I was one of those women who wanted to want sex – I really did want to feel that way, but it never happened.  So I quit trying, I buried myself in the children and Nick buried himself in work and we lived our lives.  Most of the time I pretended to myself that I wasn’t a sexual creature.  But when I did let myself go and fantasies, it was always about being dominated and spanked. And slowly the truth dawned on me.

Somewhere with in me was a hidden belief that nice girls don’t have sex and if they do they certainly don’t enjoy it.  But, if the man was in complete control, if you had no choice, if you had to do as he said, well then if you had sex and you enjoyed it, it wasn’t your fault !  For me, submission in the bedroom was what truly freed me.

When we first began all this, the more dominant he acted the hotter it was for me and the sexier.  Back then, the spankings were longer – sometimes really hard and my mind had a chance to ‘catch up’.  I had time to fall into my fantasy of ‘this man is in total control, I belong to him and I’ll do anything he says.’  Not only did my mind responded, so did my body. It was hot as hell, and for the first time in my life I felt sexy, I felt desirable and I wanted him in every sexy way possible!  And I did find myself initiating more, not tons, but more.  I didn’t even mind when occasionally he would turn me down, with a ‘not right now’.  Damn, that was hot – for me to want sex and be denied made me long for it more, and that was a feeling that I loved!

When Nick has me pick the implements, when he says ‘I’ll keep spanking until you tell me to stop, even when he says this is your treat, what would you like?’ It has the total opposite effect on me than what you would think.  This puts me back in charge and I can’t fully let go.

As the years have passed and TTWD is not longer brand new to us we fall into ‘habits’.  When Nick wants to make love, he will spank for a little while, but never long enough for my mind and body to catch up before he move on to other things.  I need that feeling of sexual dominance a little all along.

In our everyday life I am not submissive and he is not dominant.  We are equal.  But I don’t mind play-acting to improve our sex life.  A dominant text or email, telling me to do something (even like a house hold chore) is hot. A message that I’m going to be spanked later – for any reason or just because he wants to, is hot.  The threat, and follow through, of a particular implement, is hot.  A hard spanking before we leave the house to go somewhere so that I am actually sitting on a sore stinging bottom for the evening is ultra hot! (That was written by Badass, of course – we’ve sent Wimpy away for the moment.)

The first time he ever used his belt I bruised pretty badly. The reason for the spanking, he told me, was that I had talked and wondered so much about ‘punishment’ that he thought he would give me a taste of what to expect.  So he wasn’t angry, just serious (the attitude I love for him to have when spanking). We were going out to eat with some friends that night and my butt hurt!  There was no way I could sit without feeling it.  I could not keep the grin off my face all night and I was dying to get that man in bed when we got home.

I want Nick to spank more; he wants me to initiate more.  We love each other and we’ll work this out. I’ve posted several things over the last few weeks I wanted him to read, but I never ask him to.  I think I’ll ask him to read this one and maybe we’ll both get more of what we want.  


  1. PK,
    keeping all my fingers crossed for you. I'm typing with my toes. LOL!
    Love and warm hugs,

  2. I hardly dare to comment. This is all so true.
    This post of you is clearly not the result of just one week of rolling around in your head.

    In a comment to my post Faerie wrote: “Maybe Lisa finds the fact that she can no longer refuse freeing?”
    And I answered: “Yes, you've hit the nail right on its head. Not being free to refuse is the most freeing feeling that Lisa has ever had. It is not her decision to do that thing that is so evil that it might kill her own mother.”

    We are all the sum of not only our own experiences, but also of those who were before us.
    It is not easy to become free of ideas that accumulated over centuries. But with the help of our Special Other we can break out of our thorny inner shell and do as we intellectually always wanted to do. It’s not easy to always keep going on but If we allow this thorny shell to close again, we are sure to damage the one standing next to it.

    Your great Standard Work is well under way!

  3. PK: I'm glad you wrote this post so other women in similar situations can realize they are not alone. I am sure other women got similar messages from their mothers about what nice girls do. And they also may not be getting the dominance they want.

    And let's hope Nick reads it and get the message that his wife needs his dominance in the bedroom. Good luck.


  4. PK..great post....your thoughts came through very clearly. I grew up as you did, finally believeing I was just not a sexual creature. Meeting Master changed that for me, for the reasons you noted.
    Good Luck, hubby loves you, I hope you both get what you want. hugs abby

  5. Anonymous9:26 AM

    Well, I totally hear you. As you know I grew up in a similar family. You absolutely, positively did not have sex outside of marriage!! My mother did a much better job explaining the whole thing to me than her mother but still.... children were the reason,but you could enjoy it. It is all so complicated,but striving to have the kind of intimacy we need in our relationships is a liberating process.Not that it is always a bed of roses!It seems kind of like a stairway with multiple landings. We begin walking up the staircase but hit a landing and stay there for a while before catching our breath and starting up again!
    I bet once you guys catch your breath after all the home improvements you will keep on keeping on....

  6. Asking for what one needs/wants...The subject of my mental spewing yesterday lol.

    And as someone who just doesn't enjoy sex if there isn't a D/s aspect to it, I can understand the repressed bit because I did it to myself for ages. And ttwd changed how I relate to sex. Still a work in progress lol. But progress is progress.

    I really enjoyed this post.

  7. Such great comments PK. I don't think there is anything I can add.
    Great post. You know how I feel.

  8. Glad you got this all out on a post, PK. I especially liked the paragraph that talked about the text and other things that you found hot. Those same things are turn on for me as well. Meeting each other's needs is so important. And, if you meet the other person's need then usually your needs get met, too. All the best.

  9. Anonymous1:07 PM

    I often read and enjoy your blog but have never commented. This latest post is so true, so honest and so appreciated. Thank you.

  10. Maybe you could make a goal for yourself to initiate more, say once a week? Focusing on him and what he wants/needs might actually help you get more of what you need.

    Or, I could be totally off base, in which case, sorry about that.

  11. I relate to this all over the place. As a natural submissive, it makes sense that you'd be passive in the bedroom right? I sure am. I posted about that problem for me in my Milkshake post. Seems like now that you've written about it, the communication will open up. Maybe you need a bossy text telling you you MUST initiate twice/week or you'll be punished. :) I'm sure there are many solutions. Just processing your thoughts the way you have here will get things rolling. hugs!

  12. This is a great post and I think having him read it is a good idea. Here's to hoping you both get what you want. :)

  13. Paul,
    I need you to keep them crossed for me all week, there are several things going on.

    I know our mothers had no intention to mess us up – they told us what they believed. I sometimes wonder what my daughter is picking up from me. If she has paid attention in the past 6 years (and she has) hopefully she is seeing that couples can be close and enjoy one another.

    I feel great comfort in knowing others have struggled with the same hang-ups that I have. And I see them in all different stages. So I know we’ve made some progress and I see that we have a ways to go.

    My husband is the best. Whether I become a sex kitten or not, thinks are way better than they used to be and I will be forever grateful for everything Nick has been willing to do for me.

    I like your stair analogy. It seems very accurate. I hope we are about to take off from this landing soon. We don’t have to race up the stairs, but I want to keep moving.

    Are you still working on that project????

    I appreciated your post too. I don’t know why we are wired this way, and I don’t even care any more, I just need Nick to realize that that’s how the wiring is. Like you I know progress is progress, but I can’t help wishing it were faster and steadier!

    I do know and I really like the feeling that my friends do understand. And I love having real friends out here that I can discuss this with.

    Those little notes and communications really mean so much, they really don’t know how important that tiny effort can be. It’s not that it takes much time, it’s that they thought of us. Doesn’t have to be every day, but some time.

    I really appreciate you commenting. Whether or not we all know each other well it help so much to feel that others understand. I hope you will come by often.

    I want to do that, but it’s hard to initiate when you just don’t feel sexy – you’re just not in the mood, it’s hard. But it’s still something I’m going to work on.

    Interesting idea. I’ll take any bossy text I can get. I am passive in the bedroom with certain things that that passivity can turn to passion.

    Thanks Brat,
    I forgot he doesn’t have a computer at the moment. Maybe I’ll leave mine on his chair.

  14. Well written post PK.

    Wait until the re-vamp is done and then consider sending it to him.


  15. yes, yes, and yes... I could ask my mother about any question I had regarding sex - problem is that she knew little more than me...and even though what she really instilled with me was that she wanted to find a man I truly love and who loves me back and that is very true in my life...the image of being a "good girl" was still plastered in my brain...