We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.
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Saturday, September 30, 2006
*God never intended for puberty and menopause to live in the same house.*
Mollie is going to be 14 this month. She wants to create a ‘Myspace’ for herself on the computer. I have reservations! What if she falls in among people who write about sex and kinky stuff? Alright, alright I know that perfectly normal. But this is my baby!! She is not boy crazy at this time thank goodness! She says that she can fix it on Myspace were only the people she allows to come on can. She says she wants to talk to her cousins and a few friends from school and she says that she will give me the password so that I can come on it and check it out anytime. She wants me to talk to her dad for her. One reason I don't want her to have it is completely selfish, I don't want to share my computer time. I us it a lot! I have bought myself some time by telling her that I won’t talk to him about it until her room is clean. If things go as they usually do I should be safe until she is 16! But the little fink can clean fast when something she wants is at stake.
For those of you who have raised girls – HELP!! The boy was sooooooooo easy. He and I have the same personality. Very laid back, can find humor in almost anything and he simply did anything I ever asked him to just because I asked. Mollie’s personality is more prickly! She is mad about everything so much of the time and she would argue with a fence post. I love this girl better than life. But I think these teen years will be a trial!! Wish me luck!!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Well maybe things weren’t as bad as I thought. I did make goal this week. I actually lost 2 ½ pounds. That a lot better than I was expecting. I tried my best to talk myself out of going to the gym this evening. After school I call a friend and we talked for a while, then my son called and we had a long conversation. I do miss that boy! By then it had started raining and I hadn’t even touched the computer since I got home. So I sat down to check out a few things. I decided I would skip the gym and break down and clean the kitchen. Nick got home about that time. Have I mentioned that he is the best husband in the world? He said that if I wanted to go on to the gym he would clean the kitchen. He also has supper ready when I got home.
Now let me tell you a bit about the gym. It really is a nice place for a little town like this. It has an indoor walking track on the second floor so that you can see who is walking from the floor below. This is where I see ‘Paul’ walking most days when I go. But the last two times I have gone someone else has caught my attention. Now I an being completely truthful when I say that I wouldn’t have another guy if you offered him to me on satin sheets wrapped in a blue ribbon, but that doesn’t mean I’m blind! I know this guy from real life and he always speaks. I have known him for years but since coming out to Nick I keep looking at other people and wonder all the time.
This guy has just got to be a spanker. If he isn’t it is truly such a waste. He just has that look and especially the tone of voice. I don’t even know if he and his SO are married or just living together. I wouldn’t spend time wondering about them except I do spend my time mind blogging while at the gym every time I look up I seem to spot him or he is stopping to talk. I find it very disconcerting! But the gym might be a good place to find topic for the blog. So when exercising becomes too boring, I’ll just look around!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I’m not wild about all this guys. Explain to me why 2 months of moderate dieting and a bit of exercise isn’t enough to lose 20 years of weight gain. Seems reasonable to me! LOL I just couldn’t continue with Weight Watcher – couldn’t, couldn’t - not alone. I blame Nick. Isn’t everyone expected to gain weight after marriage, or at least after 40? Not Nick, his body and weight was perfect the day we married and if anything he has lost a pound or two since then. My mother called him hide-bound, he never gains. Therefore he has left all the weight gain to me and I have done his part.
I know that I’m not doing it right at this time. And I know it’s wrong but I’m doing it anyway. I often skip breakfast. I have a small lunch and often I would just as soon skip supper. I am really eating less than I have in years but I’m certainly not eating healthy. I envy Todd and Suzy it is nice to have someone to diet with. Its not that I don’t have friends here that could stand to lose a pound or two. But no one is ready to try.
I just feel unsettled. Usually when I feel this way, teary, I at least know why. I may not feel like talking about it but at least I know why. But today has me confused. I just do not feel like myself and I’m not able to put my finger on it. I’ll head to the gym tomorrow. Sometimes that helps. I haven’t gained any of my weight back but I have plenty to lose and it doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to leave.
Monday, September 25, 2006
As always I give special love and thanks to CeeCi for starting all of this. It not only give us a chance to realize how grateful we are for certain things but gives us all a chance to know each other better.
Naked/nude – One of my favorite ways to be these day! I still don’t want to dance in front of a mirror, but Nick doesn’t seem to mind what he sees so I will dance around in front of him!
Nana – What my kids called my mom. Best grandmother in the world.
Naughty – oh, the fun of being naughty. Of course I know nothing of this first hand but I love reading about you guys.
Nephew – I have four and one great nephew! Wonderful boys!!
Nap – I love my naps, especially Sunday afternoons. When Mollie was little she would fall asleep coming home from my in-laws on Sunday afternoons. But around the age of 3 it was harder to get her to sleep. I finally explained to her that one of us had to nap. I would do it if she wanted me to, but that if she woke me then she would have to take a nap. One of the few times in her life I could count on her playing quietly in her room!
Nurse – My doctor is fine but when I want to know something give me a nurse any day! A special thanks to Theresa! Home health care nurses came to see mom and they were truly angels on earth.
Newspaper – I used to love to read the paper in the morning before I started checking blogs. I don’t read it as much but I still love the funnies.
Neighbor – I have great neighbors. We don’t see each other all the time but we would do anything for each other. And when we meet in the yard it is very much that over the fence feeling.
New York – Not somewhere I want to live, but my son wants to live there some day so I hope to be able to visit a lot.
Night –I love the night. We settle, it’s peaceful, I relax, I blog, I play with the cats, and finally I crawl into bed with Nick and wonderful things can happen then. I love the night.
Nipple – They are fun parts of my anatomy these days!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
I know that I have said all along that I want to be a sub and do whatever Nick asks of me. But what happens when he asks me to do something that I really do not like, something that makes me very uncomfortable? I have done this in the past and yes, before we were married, on rare occasions did it with other men. But I never liked it! Actually, Nick did not really asked me to do it. But I know he wants me to and I knew he expects me to. He has done it for me although I never asked him to. I have done in for him in the past, many years ago, but only once or twice since we married. It is hot and wet, but sometimes that is not enough! I am afraid that if this is something he is going to want done on a regular basis he is going to have to hire a professional! Broken dishwasher or not, I am not washing dishes by hand any more!!
Yes I realize I am a spoiled brat. But I have been this way for a long time. My dad had an appliance store, so we had a dishwasher by the time I was 10 and I was the youngest so I never even washed dishes as a kid. I thought it was a major inconvenience when the ice maker quit working last month and I’ve only empted the ice trays twice. But no dishwasher – get real! I know someone is going to suggest that Mollie should be washing until we get a new one. But she is more spoiled than I am and the danger to my blood pressure trying to get her to do it would not be worth it.
Nick and I need a good wife, someone to cook and clean and drive Mollie around. I’ll keep the job as mistress!
Saturday, September 23, 2006
First thing I wanted at home was a shower. When I got out Nick told me I needed to nap for a while and I didn’t argue. I crawled on the bed with a comfortable throw and was out like a light. I’m not sure how long I slept but Nick hadn’t come back to the bedroom so I got up and started to get dresses. He came back then and asked me if I was rested. He also asked me if I had spent any time thinking of a question he had brought up several weeks ago – Why I had waited so long to come clean to him about my wants, desires, and needs? I wasn’t like he hadn’t asks me enough time over the years what I wanted. He would have been willing to have tried anything I even thought I wanted at any time in our marriage. What had kept me silent for so long?
*Note to lurkers here. Tell your partner what you want! Do it today, you won’t be able to capture lost time, but please don’t lose any more!!
Nick told me to stay in the bedroom and think about it. When he came back in a bit he made me stand up with my hand on the bed. Not one of my favorite positions but sometimes not doing things the exact way I prefer is good. It was a warm up and pretty short. Usually my secret complaint is that the warm up is all I get. Not my complaint last night! He told me to rest again and he would be back. When he came back he put a blind fold and had me stand again. I know he used the flogger that time – hard! I don’t know how many ‘sessions’ we had I lost track. I know he uses most of our toys. The mean heavy paddle he made for me, the leather paddle and his belt. He went all out, the whole time making me stand by the bed for my spank and only allowing me to crawl on the bed between sessions.
He seemed to want me to tell him what I thought about holding out on him for so many years. He wasn’t mad, more curious. When he asks me question in the middle of things I can’t answer. I cannot make words come out of my mouth and I just can’t think. That’s always been true. He used to ask me want I wanted when we were in bed (seems like a logical time to ask) but it didn’t work for me. I was too embarrassed to speak. Still today emailing and blogging are so much better!! What I think I was supposed to take away from last night was – don’t let it happen again! If I want or need something, tell him. If I am mad about something, tell him. Stop hiding what I am feeling and stop shutting him out!! My silence did cost us greatly- the whole first half of our marriage, carrying us firmly into middle age. I am determined not to waste anymore time and I hope he will not let me get away with it if I try. If he feels me pulling back into myself and shutting him out he need to take care of things. If last night was a sampling of what I’m going to get, I am going to turn into a damn open book!!
When he was finished he made wonderful love to me from behind which I really love but the feeling against my sore bottom was intense! I haven’t been able to sleep on my stomach in years but I tried some last night. It still felt best spooning. I thought of you girls as I was going to sleep. I have complained here that he never spanked long enough or hard enough. Tiggr and Sky just kept saying “just wait”. I thought of Grace’s news flash and of Bonnie repeating “spankings are supposed to hurt”. All in all a very interesting and memorable evening.
This morning Nick was up puttering in the bedroom while I was just coming awake. He mentioned that he had a small sore place on his tongue. I said “That’s not where I’m sore!” He said in all seriousness, “Are you sore?” I just looked at him. The man beat my ass hard with damn near everything in the toy box and he is surprised that I’m sore! He asked “Are you too sore?” I told him, “No just about the right amount sore”. He told me he still thought I was weird. But he pulled the covers back to look and agreed that I did indeed look like I would be sore. He said he could kiss it but he didn’t think it would take the soreness out. I told him to kiss it anyway and I would see. It didn’t take the soreness out but it was worth the try!
One more note to lurkers. If you haven’t made you plans to tell your significant other by bedtime tonight then you do indeed deserve a spanking – a hard one! Start talking!!
Friday, September 22, 2006
It’s been quite a day! Call me a party girl. We had a 6th grade social this afternoon. Two hundred 11 and 12 year-olds dancing, playing games, eating pizza and making NOISE! But it really was kinda fun. Think back to your childhood and imagine your teachers - all the teachers on the hall in the middle of a huge circle of kids doing the chicken dance with all their might. I was the lead chicken I’ll have you know! Mollie was there helping. Her face was a true study as I quacked and flapped my way around the floor!
When we had ladies choice, I went out and grabbed each of the little turkeys that have spent this first month trying to make my job hell and danced one turn around the floor with each. I hope the embarrassment of it will live in their minds forever!!
Nick picked Mollie up from the school and took her to a babysitting job. (I think Mollie’s babysitting is going to be a wonderful thing in my marriage!) When I finally got home the evening became a memorable one. I’ll post it tomorrow but in the back of my mind I keep hearing Sky and Tiggr saying “Be careful what you ask for…”
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Nick has always treated me with total love and respect and assumes I have the good sense to know what I should do in any given situation. About most things he is absolute right. I have made good life choices. I married him, I returned to college and have a career that I love, and together we have raised two well adjusted kids. In the past 5 years decisions have attacked me pretty hard. Having to decide that my wonderful, funny, and in the past, extremely competent father should no longer drive and having to tell him. To decide when my sweet, sweet mother was so ill whether to hospitalize her or to let her die in peace at home. I had to decide that my father could no longer live in the home they had built together over 50 years before. And finally, when his doctor dropped the ball, how to get my father under hospice care and all the ensuing issues at the end of his life. I was the daughter that lived here; it was left up to me. Being the grown up and making the decisions sucks!!!!
So maybe now I’m sick of decisions. I seem to be able to do what is best for everyone but me. I don’t take care of the family like I should. For the most part I don’t clean, I don’t cook, I don’t get the laundry put away. I know with three of us here it is not all my responsibility but I also know that I really don’t do my share. I don’t eat right; I am not going to the gym like I did for awhile and I just can’t go back to Weight Watchers. The meetings were driving me crazy!! I can’t seem to consistently make myself take care of myself. But do I want Nick to tell me what I should do like having to go to the gym so many days a week?
Do I really want anyone to tell me what to do? I’m damn near 50 years old. Do I want to be told what to do in certain aspect of my life or not? And if I say yes now what happens in a month or so if I’m in a pissy mood and don’t feel like playing. Will I bite Nick’s head off and if so how will he react. Will he back off or bust my ass? Will he remember what I’m saying now or listen to what I might be saying then. Am I trying to push him into something that he is not comfortable with? Do I want Nick to take charge only as long as he never tries to tell me what to do?
All the self help books say “To lose weight you must want to do in for yourself. You can’t do it because someone else wants you to.” It makes sense, but maybe that is not how my hard wiring works. I have know for 20 years that I should lose weight and change some habits for my own well being and I haven’t done it. If I won’t do it just out of common sense, would I do it if I thought Nick would give me a serious spanking if I didn’t? I don’t know.
With things going so good (and they are GOOD) why do I want more? Exactly what is it I want? Protection from myself? Someone who will push me to do my best? How could we even do discipline if we wanted to, since we never know when we will have privacy? Do I just want to know that he cares enough to try to figure this out when I have no idea what I actually want from him?
I am writing this before out trip. Am I actually going to publish it?
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
HHNT! I have never participated in this before and I think we probably all know why. I have no wish to make the rest of you feel inferior or damage you self image by comparison! I am trying to be a true friend. ROFL!!
Strangely enough the weekend before our trip I found Nick sitting on the couch looking at an old book of slides. He took out a couple of pages and handed them to me. I held them to the light and couldn’t take my eyes off them. Memories from such a long time ago, such a very looooong time ago. We were dating and Nick was an amateur photographer. I kept staring, who was that beautiful, sexy, young girl?
There was such a conflict of emotions. The visual evidence of the passage of time startled me. Should I be sad at the less than flattering changes that have occurred over the past 25 years or be delighted to see we have evidence that I was a hot babe at one time? A couple of them I liked so much that if I were retired I think I would actually post them. But the risk isn’t worth it just to feed my vanity.
I asked Nick were he found the book, I probably hadn’t seen the pictures in 20 years. His answer made me gasp in horror – Mollie’s room, up on her shelf! Of courses she would have been much more likely to look at something she found in our room. If she had looked in it at all she probably got bored after the first few pages of scenery. But they are no longer being kept in her room. I promise won’t try to warp my children while they are still young, but when they are no longer living here I am having an 8 x10 of my favorite made to keep in our bedroom. I’ll let the future grandkids think grandma was hot stuff!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I want all of you to know that the Shenandoah Valley is a beautiful area to drive through, absolute lovely, but not one sign for X-Mart. I took us nearly 10 hours to reach our destination and not one Crops-R-Us store did we pass. I didn’t give up hope; we had all day Saturday to shop.
Even though we talked a lot my natural inclination in a car is to sleep. Nick doesn’t seem to mind too much, except when I was driving. We experimented on way to keep me awake while giving him a break. One thing he tried worked like a charm; however, I had a hard time staying on the road. Mostly I let Nick drive.
We met up with a bunch of relatives at the restaurant owned by the parents of the bride. I enjoyed visiting and I told Nick to go on back to the hotel, which was within walking distance to rest up from our long ride, while I did the family thing for a bit longer. The boy was well rested when I got there! I managed to lose at strip poker as quickly as I knew how. We had several toy with us, the flogger, the leather paddle and a favorite little wooden paddle that stings like hell. We played with them all! Of course that part could have lasted much longer but the sex afterward was fantastic!!
Saturday – shopping day! Nick started in the yellow pages and found two shops that sold horse “equipment” not sure exactly what that might mean we jotted down the address and off we went, cross country in the rain in search of my little heart’s desire. But, alas, no store could ever be found. And we really did search; we found the address, just no store. I would have been sad, but how can you be sad when your husband is trying so hard to find just the right thing to spank your ass with? Sometimes it is the thought that counts!
Crop or not we still had plenty of toys and privacy to keep us happy. I didn’t get to have the flaming rear I would have enjoyed on the ride back but we had a ball. Except for having to move the dresser to find a favorite plug that fell from the suitcase and rolled (didn’t really want that found and mailed back to us!!) everything was nearly perfect. We even had enough weekend feeling to do a little dancing in the sheets this morning early. Although we can’t seem to remember who started it. I’ll be glad to claim credit!
I know my wild new beginning summer is coming to a close. And with the exception of crop failure on this particular trip, I think it’s been a damn good one!
Monday, September 18, 2006
It’s Tuesday again!! A wonderful day of the week when we can have a good excuse to express out graditude! Here are my M thought…
Mail- I love it, love it, love it!! E or snail, it doesn’t matter! Every time one of you sends me an email I have to smile! Mail is wonderful!!
Main Street- The main street in my little town has 2 banks, a library, a drugstore, a café, an antique shop and three churches. The rail road track runs through the middle of town and we have two whole stoplights. I love it.
Metric system- Could we quit being stupid and just change over already!!
Music- Music is the thing that can bring me to tears quicker than anything. Mostly it will catch me off guard. I love my ipod, it just my music.
Mama- I had the best mother in the world. She petted and spoiled me as a child. Let me get away with murder and a teen and became one of my best friends when I became an adult. She and my children adored each other. I know I will miss her forever.
Marriage- It may be old fashion, but marriage – it does matter. I would love to renew our marriage vows (I know Nick would hate it) but now the promises mean even more to me.
Math - It's what I teach. The only thing you can learn in school that will not change on you no matter what. Science is always changing, how we view history changes, how to write a paper changes, even word spellings may change, but math - get it once and it's always the same.
Maple tree- Glorious, beautiful explosions of color! What would Fall be without them?
Manipulation- Okay, it’s supposed to be a bad thing, but who hasn’t used it when necessary?
Masks- I don’t care for real ones but I couldn’t have gotten through life with out the ones I’ve used mentally.
Mouth- To talk, to eat, to give and receive pleasure. A beautiful smile, soft lips, oh there are so many wonderful thing about our mouths.
Mountains- Mountains have been the backdrop of my life. They are not only beautiful and peaceful but they offer towering strength and security to me.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
I just want to let everyone know we are home. The trip was wonderful! I enjoyed it all but the talking was super! We spent a lot of time talking about our blogging friends. He reads most of the blogs I read but hasn’t been doing it as long. I spent the time filling him in on some of the stuff I had picked up that he had missed. It was just nice to talk about our favorite activities and share ideas.
The wedding was outside by a lake and beautiful! The bride and groom were so young to me, 20 and 21. But they both seemed so happy. It really made me feel good. The bride’s mother and I are cousins. I was in her wedding 25 years ago. It seemed so strange. I have no idea where the time went.
They had someone coming around with horrible video camera asking everyone to give the bride and groom you best advice for a lasting marriage. I managed to avoid the whole thing. I now know the secret to a long happy marriage. Unfortunately, ‘normal’ society would be horrified if I had tried to tell them!! Like the rest of us, if it is their thing they will come to it in their own way and time.
I have more to tell about the trip, but I’m tired and it will have to wait. It feels good to be home too!
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The guys had their rather expensive cameras with them and I do remember our friend (and future best man) saying to Nick, “If they try to go after the cameras, throw them the women and run like hell!” Maybe they weren’t feeling so protective at the moment! We went into a horse tack shop that had some beautiful items. We walked past a beautiful leather saddle with silver trim. I remember Nick looking at me with all appearance of seriousness and asked “If I bought that for you, would you wear it?” We hadn’t been dating long and I remember thinking that this guy was a little different. I don’t remember if I answered.
Jump ahead about 20 years to the first time I mentioned spanking to him. We had just done some remodeling the basement carving out a bit of space to put in a computer room with a sofa and a TV. Mostly it was for the kids. I had no idea what I was really wanting back then, but I knew I wanted to try spanking. The kids were 14 and 9 so we had NO privacy. I casually mentioned that I wish we had a lock on the new basement room. When I got home the next afternoon Nick slipped the new key in my hand, he had put a lock on that very day! Oh, the wasted time!! He was always willing.
Finally in May of this year I told him everything and asked him to read all your blogs. I don’t think I had started commenting yet but I was chomping at the bit. I had him start with Bonnie spanking stories and then he branched out from there. I remember the first thing he said to me was, “I can’t believe these were written by women, they seem to be what men would fantasize about.” So there you have it, maybe he just hadn’t come out to himself!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Nick and I are headed to Pennsylvania this weekend. I have been looking forward to this for a long time. You know that when you have little kids you promise yourself that you will take trip together and leave the kids at home. Well in 23 years we have gone off alone exactly once, two years ago. Pitiful! But we are going to do better!
Unfortunately last night I was becoming more and more uncomfortable and I was having to run pee every 2 minutes. Houston, we have a problem! Not now!!! I called the doctor first this morning and went in this afternoon. I hadn’t been in for several months but this new doctor and I bonded pretty well in the short time I’ve know her. She asked about the kids and how Nick and I were doing. When someone asked about Nick and me, I usually can’t help but grin these days. She laughed and told me she thought we must be doing well because my problem was commonly referred to as ‘honeymoon cystitis’. Alright you guy, straighten up; there are worse problems to have!!
She gave me a prescription and told me to take cranberry pills, because I think the juice is nasty. She also told me that while on the trip we should be sure not to drive more than a couple hours without stopping for a bathroom break. Well I had heard what she had said and I thought I was explaining it pretty well to Nick, but evidently his mind was on other things when I told him I had honeymoon cystitis and that the doctor said we shouldn’t go more that 2 to 3 hours without taking a break. He cracked up!! Come to think of it, whichever way you take it, its pretty good advice!
Monday, September 11, 2006
My kids – Both my kids are L’s. Nothing in the world makes me more grateful than these two gifts from God.
Lists – I love to make to do lists. I love to mark thing through that I have completed. I often put ‘get up’ and ‘take shower’ on my lists just to be able to mark them off.
Love – to know the importance of love, think back to a time when you felt none.
Laugher – the wonder of laughter!! Could anything be better? I put it close to love because they have to go together! To quote Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias, “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion!”
Life – I am so grateful for my life. To love, to learn, to teach, to touch.
Lap -- What a wonderful thing! I love mine; I cuddled my children and my cats there. It is the perfect place to give and receive love. I love my husband’s lap, facing up or facing down it is a wonderfully safe and loving place to be.
Lord’s Prayer – it is a touch stone. I loved standing beside my parents at church so proud that I could say it along with them. I get emotional when I stand in church and hear my children reciting it with me.
Left-handed – I love left handed people. My friend, mentor and teaching partner for a decade was a red-headed, left-handed, loving, loud lady! My baby girl is also a lefty! Helping her learn to hold a pencil and tie her shoes was a challenge but we did it!!
License – I know that this represent freedom. Cassie made me grateful for something I have long taken for granted.
Locks – Are wonderful! If you have children in the house they can be a lifesaver.
Lovemaking – for someone who has been a wife for a long time, I feel like a teenager just discovering the excitement, release, joy, closeness and contentment that comes from making love to the man who means everything to you.
Letting go – I am just learning to do this. My thoughts and emotions have been locked within me for so long letting them go is so difficult. Some days it is scary, some days amazingly wonderful! I am still working on this, but it is too good to let it get away.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
On September 11, 2001, I was teaching. We were giving a state mandate test where we could not be disturbed. On the way to the office to turn everything in an aide said “There has been a terrorist attack, turn on your TV.” Both towers had been hit and I was standing there in a room full of 11 years olds asking what’s going on.
I was stunned. I certainly did not know what to tell them. I was trying to form some explanation when another news flash came on – the Pentagon had been hit. I started crying as I realized that the attach was still going on. I know my crying upset some of the children but I couldn’t stop. I thought back to my first grade experience when my teacher had burst into tears upon hearing that President Kennedy had been killed. The bell rang sending my student off to other teacher while I had planning. I had never seen 800 students move so quietly.
I stood in the office with my principal and some other teacher in total silence and watched the towers fall. I wanted my children, my own. I thought of calling Mollie at her school but she was too little. I would have cried when I heard her voice which would have been the worse thing. My son was at my school though, in the 8th grade. I walked to his room not knowing if he would want his mother in his to intrude. Every classroom had it TV on. Went my son’s teacher saw me peeking in the door he motioned me in. My son reached out and took my hand, his was ice cold. I felt better for having seen him but the rest of the day was mostly a blur.
I do remember a few of my students asked if they could go out in the hall to pray once they came back to me. I went out with them but let them say what they felt in their prayers. I remember all those kids, I always will. We shared history. Although I remember I am not yet ready to see movies about the events. I don’t mind them being made, I just can’t watch. Maybe someday.
It’s been a wonderful weekend. Nothing much we had to do but enjoy ourselves. Friday nights are so nice. Nick is usually in bed first it feels so good to crawl in the bed, nude and see if I can wake him. I’m batting a thousand so far! I so wanted a spanking but as usual noise was a potential problem with Mollie still awake in her room. I feel so loved when I see Nick nude digging through the closets and drawers for something reasonably quiet that he could beat my tail with! And can you see how very strange that statement would be to someone on the outside!!!
What he found was tiny but, damn, it stung! I couldn’t tell what the hell it was but it left thin little lines of pure fire where ever it went. It was soon that I was done with that ready of love. And Nick seemed happy to oblige. I was hot and wet and wonderful, the perfect beginning to the weekend. When we finished I was searching through the bed to see what he had used. It was tiny!
What he had found were leather shoe laces from a pair of discarded boot. He had braided the laces together – it was like a tiny whip! Nick said all it needed was a handle. Well maybe, but I wouldn’t want to see it come out of the toy box very often!
As I said the weekend was just beginning and Saturday brought more surprises! More tomorrow.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
I accidentally found a way to get one more thing I wanted from Nick last night. For most of our marriage Nick did one thing that bugged me. When we would go out just the two of us for groceries, Wal-mart, wherever – he wouldn’t walk with me. He tends to walk faster than me so he just went on and I just brought up the rear alone. It alternatively hurt my feelings and pissed me off. True to form my former self never said a word assuming any good husband would read my mind and know what I was feeling.
Since the transformation I haven’t really needed to say much because it has improved greatly. It still happens but not as much and he always looks back to at least see if I’m coming, which he didn’t always do before. But when we went to a few places last night he walked with me whenever we went to the same store. The best part of this was that his butt was close enough for me to pinch discreetly. When I did he reached back and grabbed my hand and kept it so we walked along for a bit just holding hands! I loved it!! We are not teenagers. I don’t have to walk through the mall holding hands endlessly to feel loved. But when he takes my hand in public, or pats my behind, or any other form of touching, I do feel loved and I feel like he doesn’t care who know it – I’m his wife and he loves me!
The sweetest old couple in our church seemed to always touch. They held hands, or he would have his arm around her. He is gone now and in my mind I will always believe that they enjoyed the same lifestyle I’m living now! May not be true but I still grin every time I see her or think of them.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
I am another of Cassie’s friends. She and I met here on our blogs. I read the loving stories she wrote about your lives together. I was so envious of your relationship. She made you sound like the most perfect man in the world. She was living the fantasy that those of us without the courage to come out to our own husbands only dreamed of. But because Cassie had the courage to share her story I at least knew it was possible. I came out to my husband and because of Cassie and the other women I have met here. The joy that I now have in my life it unbelievable.
She has worried that you would be mad if you found the blog. She knows you best so I have to assume she is right. And if you are reading this, you do know about all and I assume she has a warm butt. But please let it stop there. She is such a wonderful person, she has helped so many of us with her blog and she is our friend. Please don’t take her away from us and do not take us away from her. I hope that everything she has told us about you is true – that you really are the perfect man, that you will always love her, protect her, correct her, contain her and indulge her. I once wrote that I wanted to be Cassie when I grew up. I still feel that way deep down. I also told her I had a crush on you, that’s still true to. We are harmless; we just want to brag about the men we love. Cassie always bragged the most.
We all hope to be hearing from your lovely and loved wife,
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
I am sitting here in tears and I don’t know why!! I just hope if I keep writing it will come to me. I started this morning with a very sweet email from CeeCi. She had some good suggestions that I would like to try. But within a few minuets I felt panicky and teary and I have stayed that way all day. When I started all this I decided that bad feelings were better than no feelings at all so I have tried to explore instead of suppress. I have always been afraid to ask too many questions about how to do some of the neat things you guys do on your blogs because I didn’t want to look stupid if I couldn’t do it. You get an image of the people you talk with and you guys have quickly become my heroes. And you want your heroes to think you are intelligent.
But that’s not really it either. I do know I can do it. And if I couldn’t who would care!! I know all this. But it stirred up so many old feelings and I really didn’t know they were there.
These are the notes I jotted down at school during planning (no kids)
They are going to find out.
That I’m not as smart as the rest.
Hide, act smart, don’t try anything you might not be able to do.
They will find out.
I’ll be out of the club, on the fringes again.
I’m not the smart one.
I was so scared when I found out Nick had been number one in his graduating class. I found out on our honeymoon. If I had known when we first met I wouldn’t have gone out with him. Because he will find out.
That I’m not good enough.
Alright if you have the rubber room ready I will move in now. I’m sitting there at school going where the hell did all this come from? But I started realizing how many things I have avoided trying because I didn’t want anyone to know I might not be able to do it.
This is not a plea for compliments. I do know that I am intelligent, I teach and I do it well. This isn’t something that I thought was a problem for me and I was shocked at what I have been feeling all day. But I have learned over the years, mostly by journaling, that when you are bother by something you need to capture it on paper – or blog- because once you can see it you can start to realize that its not all that bad. Nothing is as bad as it just rolling around in your head.
I feel some better. Actually I feel exhausted. I do thank CeeCi for unintentionally stirring all this up. Evidently it needed stirring. A special thanks to Eva, she was there when I knew I was losing it and pestered me all day to be sure I posted about it tonight. If she hadn’t I would have shoved it all back down by the time I got home. And one more thank you to Nick who was so sweet to me tonight before I ever posted this. I’m just glad I found Nick and the people in blogland.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Tonight was Weight Watchers night. There was a different leader than the first week. I have never been in a room with a perkier person in my life. I have a cold, I’ve taught all day (the year is not off to a great start), I’m over weight, I’m hungry and if Polly Perky had waved her pom-pom at me one more time she was going to eat them!! Does Weight Watchers have a branch that only has sarcastic leaders? I could handle that. I’m been to WW before; both times I lost 13 pounds and got pregnant! Yes, I was trying at the time but the memory is still enough to give me nightmares now. I do think WW is a good program but I just don’t feel like I’m into it this time.
Nick and I have already agreed that if I just start blowing off the whole idea of exercise and trying to get to a healthier weight he is going to whip my butt. Somehow the idea of getting a sticker from the cheerleader at the meeting is not going to give me more motivation than that!! I did lose 2 ½ pounds this week so I’ll give it a while longer. But the cheerleader has got to go!
Monday, September 04, 2006
I am so glad that I got to jump into this group gratitude day. CeeCi is brillant for having started it! I love taking the time to realize what I am grateful for and I like the feeling of belonging that I get when I do it! Here goes --
Kittens – I am beginning to think spanko are basically cat people. I think most of us have talked about our kittys! I love all my kittys, current and from the past. Grace did you guys ever pick a name?
Knowledge – I love knowing things. I love having the knowledge to answer questions. And even if no one ever asks me what I know I still have it inside. What you learn, your knowledge stays with you.
Key – I have lots of keys. They give me access to places I want to be; my home, my car, my job, a few friends homes. They make me feel secure.
Kids – My own are fantastic! I love them more than my life. I also love other people’s kids (thank goodness) my job would be horrible if I didn’t!
Kisses – I like all kinds. I have magic kisses, they could cure the pain of my children. Little butterfly kisses from my kids (few and far between now) could make me cry. I love the chocolate ones too. I love kisses from Nick, anywhere he wants to kiss. I love deep passionate kisses but I also love the little kisses I get as he leaves or comes home. We haven’t done that in years and they are very special to me.
Knees – I love my knees! I am so grateful when they work. They don’t always, so when they feel good, I feel good.
Karma -- I think this is the way God intends for things to work and I think He know what He is doing.
Kick – What a good way to reduce stress. Take a smallish cardboard box. Tape it closed. Then take it outside and give it a good kick. It’s perfect! I does not hurt you foot. It makes a lovely noise and you get the satisfaction of seeing it fly through the air. It is great!
Kink/kinky – I love my kink. Of course it no longer seem like a kink to us, only to the outside world. Because we are embracing my spanko kink our life is wonderful!
Kangaroos – they just make me hoppy!
Sunday, September 03, 2006
My name is Emma, call me Em. Since coming out as a spanko I have found great satisfaction in blogging and emailing my new friends. I find comfort in knowing that there are many others with the same feelings that I had hidden for so long. They make me feel so normal!
I was excited to hear that on one of my closest confidants (from blog world) and her husband would be vacationing in our area. I had hoped that one day we would have the opportunity to meet. It looked like the opportunity had arisen. Jan and her husband Bob had reservations at a secluded two bedroom cabin with another couple who had subsequently canceled. Ned and I were now invited to join them for the weekend!
Ned was not overly enthused. For one thing he is more comfortable spending time with old friends or just hanging around the house. Meeting new people is just not his thing. He also has some misgivings about what he sometimes sees as my addiction or compulsions. He worried that we might be getting stuck in an awkward situation without a graceful exit. I told him flatly that I was going with him or without him! That caused some raised eyebrows – but he wasn’t about to let me head off alone to meet those he though of as strangers but I thought of as close friends.
We followed the directions and with a little difficulty found the cabin. It was small, not too fancy but it was in a lovely secluded area and very peaceful. Jan and Bob stepped out onto the porch to greet us. They seemed to be warm and friendly although not exactly as I had pictured them. Jan seemed about as excited to meet me as I was to meet her!
After a little general chit-chat about family members we had heard so much about on each other’s blogs we sat down to steaks that Bob had prepared. At first we stayed far away from any discussion about spanking, but after months of sharing so many intimate details it was inevitable. When I thought back about some of the things I had revealed I realized I would never have shared so much with Jan if I had ever thought I would ever see her, and even worse her husband, face to face.
But finally after a couple of glasses of wine we began comparing notes about things such as favorite toys and toy shopping. From there the discussion between Jan and I got even more personal. We discussed our sex lives and how they had taken such a dramatic turn since we had dropped our inhibitions and come out as spankos. Ned was fairly quiet through most of this but he was taking in every word.
At some point, probably after my third glass of wine, I turned to Bob and said “Jan tells me you really know how to swing a mean paddle!” At this point Ned shot me a warning look but with the excitement of the evening and the effects of the wine, I foolishly chose to ignore the warning. I even turned to him and said “What’s the problem, I didn’t say anything about you, but you know, Ned, you have always been a little overly cautious. You always seem afraid of actually hurting me.” Jan spoke up and said “Be careful honey, you may be pushing your luck.”
At that point Bob spoke up and said “You girls insist on comparing notes and Em seems to feel that she may be missing the thorough spankings that she thinks you have been getting. Whether that is true or not it’s hard to say. However in the interest of education I think I’ll just give Jan a good demonstration spanking so you can see first hand.”
At this a look of surprise came over Jan’s face and I’m sure my mouth was hanging open. Was Bob serious? My pulse quickened! Bob removed all doubt when he instructed Jan to get the toys. Jan just stared at him and said “You’ve got to be kidding!” Bob stared right into her eyes and said “No back talk or it will be worse.” With a look of stunned resignation, Jan went off to retrieve the toy bag. When she returned to the porch where we had been enjoying the great evening weather, Bob instructed her to lean over the porch railing which was at about waist height. At least the porch was totally secluded.
At this point I was thinking “it’s actually going to happen; I’m going to see someone else get a spanking!” The second thought that crossed my mind was “at least Ned would never consider putting me through this.” As these thoughts crossed my mind I turned to look at Ned knowing that he would probably be very uncomfortable with all this. But he seemed surprisingly relaxed and seemed to by perfectly content to take it all in. It was then that the frightening thought began to creep into my mind. “Ned would never do this … or would he?” At that point it felt like a swarm of butterflies were loose in my stomach.
Was it the excitement of watching Jan get a spanking? Was it the fear that Ned might consider doing the same? Or was it the jealousy of knowing Jan would soon be experiencing something I never would. Possibly yes to all questions!!
At this point Jan was leaning over the rail and Bob was lowering her jeans. Again my pulse quickened. Bob began spanking Jan by hand on her modest but stylish black panties. Bob pointed out that a warm up period was frequently used. The blows started slowly but became faster and harder.
After a thorough hand spanking Bob picked up the leather slapper and instructed Jan to lower her panties. What? Could he possibly be serious?? Jan turned with a questioning look but apparently saw nothing in Bob’s expression to provide any doubt. Jan lowered her panties to just above her knees. My pulse was absolutely racing! Ned seemed entranced.
Bob started in on Jan’s backside with the slapper covering both cheeks from the top to upper thigh. Jan’s butt began to glow pink then red. You could see her flinch - rising to her toes at times, and occasionally gasping at the impact. Bob paused for a moment and I thought that it had been a thorough spanking. Bob gently rubbed her butt for a minute. Then he picked up a hair brush and started in again. After several hard swats he sat down the brush and to Jan he said “You can stand up now.”
Jan turned to him and buried her face in his shoulder not even taking time to pull up her panties and jeans. She whispered something in his ear that I couldn’t hear. Bob replied “Later, Dear”. Jan looked drained holding onto Bob’s neck. Bob turned to us and said “Well, that’s about it. What do you think?” Well I for one had no answer to that!! Ned did. He replied slowly “Very educational indeed, I may have underestimated what these girls can handle. Jan reached down and pulled up her panties and jeans and asked Bob “Now – can we?”
I was shocked to hear Ned say “Wait a second it’s Em’s turn”. I sputtered “Are you out of your mind!? Forget it! No way!!” Ned said sternly “Em you’ve been asking for this one for a long time and Bob and Jan have given us a great demonstration. Now you are about to find out if I’ve learned anything”. Another swarm of butterflies took wing. Was this actually about to happen? Was this what I feared or was this the way I had hoped Ned would respond? Again maybe – somehow – both.
Ned stepped over to the railing and motioned for me to join him and he didn’t appear to be joking. I hardly remember getting up but I found myself standing next to him at the railing. Ned told me to lower my jeans and I unsnapped them and let them drop. After positioning me over the rail Ned began a thorough hand spanking similar to what Jan had gotten. Whap – Whap – Whap. Ned doesn’t usually hand spank that hard but this time it seemed pretty firm. Ned gave me a brief break and then started in with the flogger producing a major sting even through my panties. I was just relieved that he was giving me some slack and sparing me the humiliation of taking it on the bear in front of Bob and Jan.
Ned again paused, rubbing my butt briefly before picking up the slapper. Before I knew what was happening Ned’s thumbs were inside the waist band of my wine colored panties. All I could do was gasp and shut my eyes tighter as I felt my panties lowered to just above the knees. I clinched my knees tightly together trying for what modesty I could retain. Ned started on my ass with that damn stinging slapper and the strength and cadence increased. My ass was on fire! I was biting my lip. I didn’t want to cry and I was not about to use a safe word after seeing Jan endure. After a while I couldn’t help but release short gasps as each new blow landed on burning skin. I don’t know if this spanking was actually that much different or if the nerves were more than ever on edge due to the extraordinary circumstances and the added element of humiliation.
Ned finally asked Bob and Jan if that looked about right for a good spanking. Jan agreed that it had seemed pretty thorough and Bob said that Ned had certainly gotten a great red tint on my butt. I was reaching to grab my panties when Ned commanded me to stay put. “What about the challenging attitude you exhibited, Em?” Ned asked. Jan agreed that she could probably count on a little extra disciplinary action for such an outburst and Bob simply nodded.
I heard Ned’s belt slide through the belt loops of his pants. Ned said “Hold still honey – 10 with the belt. Crack – crack – crack! These ten were delivered with gusto on flesh that was already on fire. “OW – OW” I couldn’t help but gasp. When these were over Ned helped me get redressed and gave me a big hug. My knees were weak and I just hung on.
Bob asked “You guys about ready to call it a day?” Ned said “Yes I think I’m about ready to turn in. What about you Em?”
Saturday, September 02, 2006
He was pure vanilla until I tentively brought up spanking 4 years ago. He was willing but he didn’t understand exactly what I wanted because I didn’t really understand exactly what I wanted, I hadn’t found any blogs. So when life got rough we let it die out and when life got smoother we didn’t resume.
So jump ahead 4 years. I look on the web again and I found them – blogs by people who felt just like I did. If you have been reading here you know that Nick has jumped in to this with gusto. There is nothing I have asked of him that he has been unwilling to try. I thought at first I might have some issues with topping from the bottom but damn if Nick isn’t just staying about a step ahead. I love it!!!
At first I made reading suggestions when I found something I wanted him to see. Now if he can get time he usually scans my blogroll on his own. We discuss many of the blogs and talk about all you guy like we are neighbors. He doesn’t leave comment on the blogs, I hope he might start. But he tells me his guess for Fantasy Fridays and we discuss the possibilities.
In spite of all these changes he still managed to shock me the other night when he handed me a note book where he had actually written out a story on his own! To my knowledge he had not written anything since his valedictorian speech about 35 years ago. (I just threw that in to show you a really smart guy picked me!) He said the story needed to be told from the female point of view so I could read it and make any changes I thought were necessary. I just dove in, I loved it! How can a man I’ve been married to for 23 years still have so many surprises in him? I made very few changes, maybe a sentence or two , but this is Nicks version of what we girls might be fantasying about! I’ll be posting his work Monday to see what you guys think.