We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.
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Thursday, August 31, 2006
It shows!!!! It’s not my imagination, it’s not going away, and I love it!! As the conversation continued I told her I was kinda down because this was Nick golf weekend and he was going to be gone. She jumped in again “And what’s with that! You used to say that was your favorite weekend of the year because you got rid of the kids and got to spend it all by yourself. You guy learn some new position over the summer or what?” What fun! If she only knew!!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Nick is good to let me talk about my work problems. He always seems interested but he doesn’t try to tell me how to fix things. He just listens and lets me rant. Some things are so funny (a sense of humor is mandatory) but you can’t always share with just anyone.
Nick went above and beyond in making me forget my troubles last night. His work is a bit different these days. He had been with a large company since before I knew him as a manager. But eventually his facility was shut down. He now has a job as a manager with a tiny company in the same field. But with a small work force everyone pitches in so while his job is as stressful as always he is also doing more physical work. Because of this I hesitate to wake him when I come to bed for fun and games. Often these days I just can’t help it, but I never know how exhausted he might be so I am happy with a bit of a cuddle as I wait for the weekend.
But last night he was in a wickedly teasing mood. He rubbed my butt when I got in bed and that was nice. Then he started playing with my boobs, which lately just drives me wild! He kept on rubbing all the good places until I was about to explode. Then he said “well, good night.” And rolled over! Fat chance!! So he told me to see if I could change his mind. I did!!! Oh it was wonderful!! He gave me a good tongue lashing – and I mean GOOD! Finally I wanted him in me so bad but he was still in a tormenting mood. He was on top but he made me work for what I wanted. He just kept teasing and I had to thrust up to win my prize! Can I list this under exercise for Weight Watchers??
I know he was probably feeling sorry for me since he is going to abandon me this weekend. That’s okay if that’s the case he can feel sorry for me any time he likes! I want him to have a great time but I will really be glad to see him when he gets home!
Note to CeeCi – I told you I would have one of those little 3 legged vibrators before the week was out, well I got it tonight! Don’t know when we will have time to play. But I have it!! Nick probably wants everyone to stop talking about toys, every time I hear about one I want to run out and buy it! Well, I don’t think he’s terribly bothered!!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I wondered how the meeting would have been different if we had all been there. I picture Cassie standing to the side (giving time for the tattoos to heal) asking, “Will I lose faster if I become a switch?” Teresa and I just wanted to know “How many calories will the average spanking burn?” Bonnie is writing descriptive blogs on how to eat carrots and bananas for maximum enjoyment, while CeeCi has Grace demonstrating the techniques so she can document them with her new lens. Meanwhile Eva and Tigger are bouncing in their seats waving their hands in the air and finally shout out the same question “How many calories in a blow job?”
I have got to be more careful where I mind blog. Sitting in a group of strange women trying to hide am enormous grin and not burst out laughing is going to get me carted off one of these days! Oh well, I wish you guy really were there with me. It would be a hoot!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Josette – Josette was the beautiful, young, black and white cat I got the day I started college when I was 18. She was one of the best friends I ever had. During the 7 years I lived alone I sometimes felt like she was my only friend. This beautiful animal lived for 15 years. We grew up together and still think of her and miss her. Even both of my children refer to her as my first born!
Junk food – I can’t help it! Comfort food is such a … well a comfort!
Journey – I am so grateful for journeys. To travel, to see new places is wonderful. But the real journey, the one of discovery – now that is a trip! The journey that Nick and I began such a short time ago had already been a mind blowing experience! I can’t wait to see what is around the bend.
Jokes – I am so grateful for a good joke! Clean, dirty I don’t care. I love it when friends share. The latest I heard – A man comes home from work to find his wife in a sexy night gown. “Tie me up” she purrs “and you can do anything you want” So he ties her up and goes golfing. Actually that’s not too funny!
Justice – I am grateful when it happens. No, justice is not always wide spread. But it is a wonderful thing and sometimes it does win out.
Job – I am very grateful for my job. First, I love it! Being with the kids and teaching is fun. I also love the time I have off to be with my own children. One more thing that is special about my job, is that where we live, it is about the only job that has real job security.
Jewels – only Nick’s family jewels. The other kind doesn’t interest me much!
Julie – a close friend to really helps me keep my head on straight!
Joints – I am grateful for my joints. They are working at the moment. Sometimes they don’t and I truly miss them when they don’t!
Juicy – I love every possible definition of this word!!
Juke box – The old juke box at the dance hall near the cabin my folks rented in the summer sparked many a summer romance. I loved that old thing.
Jack-o-lantern – I love fall, Halloween, and everything to do with it.
Joy - I am most grateful for the absolute joy I feel these days! I have had a good life. It has always been calm and content, but the joy, the joy is new! I am grateful to Nick and all of you for bring this into my life.
I also enjoyed the four hour round trip to the school and back. When I ride in a car I blog mentally and go over different scenarios. Several times Nick would look over when I was just grinning and want to know what I was thinking. Once I was thinking of a wedding we are going to next month, several states away. Surely we will be passing another store like the one Eva found! Now I want a crop. It seems everyone has one!! Another passing thought was that I want to go to Los Vegas sometime. I was just picturing the bags going through the scanner with the paddles, crop, flogger and who knows what else showing on the x-ray. Nick said not to worry in Vegas there is probably a little plaque in the room saying – forgotten anything? Tooth brush, shampoo, flogger, crop? Please see us at the front desk! Sounds like the place for us!
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Anyway because of the wonderful morning attention I was in a wonderful mood and very light hearted all day. Mollie (the daughter, not the toy) had a good first day and brought a friend home with her. The girls really love to be here instead of the friend house because the friend is one of 4 kids in a house smaller than ours. But then the magic call came! The friend’s family was headed out for pizza and movies and wanted Mollie to spend the night!! Talk about the mommy dance!!!
As soon as the call came and while Mollie was getting her things together I slipped and put on my new bright red panties that scream ‘spank me’! As soon the baby left I quickly finished up on the computer, but before we could head to the bedroom. Nick shared something with me that completely blew me away – I am still in shock and may someday share but not yet. But it makes me feel we are secure in the lifestyle and it’s not going anywhere!
It was a super evening! No rushing, no trying to be quiet, just fun. We may have used all the toys in the box, it felt like it. Nick has become a wonderful spanker! I’m greedy though, I have never reached the point where I was ready for him to stop. Well just once, I loved that one, actually I was able to love it for several days. But it’s the only time I could truly say ‘Thanks, that’s plenty for now’! Oh, the love making is so good these days!! I feel like my every need is catered too and I try to do the same for him. When he has really gotten into the spanking and my butt is burning I can go so deep into sub mode that I can’t think of anything I would refuse him. I hope he remembers that and feel free to act on his wildest fantasies too!
Nick is going out of town next weekend. He only goes twice a year to golf with the guys. I have always loved the time alone and when the kids were little I always had them spend the weekend with my parents so I could be totally by myself. But this time I am not looking forward to it. It is really a wonderful feeling. I’ll be fine alone but it feels so good to realize just how much I am going to miss him! My outlook on life on life is getting better and better!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
When that computer eventually died, and we decided to replace it, we went with a laptop. Hallelujah!! I am in the room with the family, and I am in my recliner. No one can sneak up behind me and read over my shoulder. I am thrilled my kids love me and want to spend time with me but if we had gotten a regular desk top I would probably never even typed in ‘spanking’ on the search line. Another problem with our old computer was that is I ever forgot to delete the history it was right there for everyone to see. Of course with the new computers even if one of the kids gets on they can’t get to my sittings, my favorites or anything I have written. I can say for me the laptop changed my life. If the opportunity ever presents its self to get a laptop and you have kids at home – go for it!!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
This has been my first free summer in 20 years. I was in college and then, when I started teaching, I had a 6 month old. Once the kids got big enough to not need all of my attention my parents needed more and more help. Both of my parents are gone now; my kids are pretty well self-sufficient. So this summer with nothing to do I began reading blogs and WOW! The rest is history!! My summer schedule was pretty rigorous this year. Sleep late, get up and read the paper, blog, spend an hour at the gym, come home and daydream, nap, run errands, check blogs, hope Nick will want to go out to supper, write, check blogs again before bed, then slip into bed nude and finding a way to wake Nick! This summer stuff is tough but somebody had to do it.
I do love my job! In fact whenever you hear teachers complaining if you listen closely you will here very few of us griping about teaching. Most teachers love the kids and teaching, it the extra duties, government interference, paper work, colleague clashes and standardized testing that drain us. Truly if I could just teach my kids I wouldn’t even mind going back.
I know my biggest fear is that this whole summer and all we have gained will have just been a wonderful summer fling that we won’t maintain when real life rears its ugly head. I am surprised to find myself in tears as I write this. I just can’t let that happen. I don’t want to ever go back to who I was and lose all I have gained. Surely we can keep it together as much as we both want it. I just hope he will push things if I start to get overwhelmed by ‘stuff’. I want him to spank me when I am crabby, tired, overworked and stressed as well as when we are relaxed and have time to play. Spanking is the best foreplay in the world. But it is so much more than that! A spanking helps me remember who I have become. I know we can’t always be spontaneous while we still have one at home but he is welcomed to take care of thing early in the mornings. A spanking first thing in the morning keeps thing in perspective. It can turn an ordinary work day into a day when you go to work feeling loved, cherished and like you matter to the man in your life.
So Grace I blame you, you brought it up, it’s all your fault! I think you deserve a good spanking!! Wait, that’s not right…
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
How’s you credit—
I may be the only person that did not know this but in case I’m not I had to share the following with my friends. I found out that every time you apply for credit you credit rate goes down. If you chose to get a new or different card, your credit rating goes down. Sign up for the stores credit card to get that 10% off, your credit rating goes down. WHAT!! I don’t care if I ask for credit 100 times; if I pay everything on time why should that bring the score down. But even if you pay every penny right on time your score goes down. So if you were like me and always said “Sure, sign me up, I’ll take the 10% off” Stop!!!
Reason to exercise—
I want to tell you the real reason I have been going to the gym so much. Paul goes there to walk! Okay, it may not be our Paul, but he fits my mental image of Paul so much I was startled the first time I saw him. He is probably in his late 60’s, just under 6ft., and slender. He has white hair and he is very handsome. He doesn’t wear sweats, just casual street clothes. He just looks like a college professor, so dignified. I have to grin every time I see him. So tell me Paul how close am I to being right??
Time to brag—
My son is off to a great start at college. He is a theater major. His goal is Broadway. They had tryouts for the first play the second day of college. Although freshmen rarely get parts he was determined to audition. The next day he called so excited – he had a call back! Then the next call - he had a part! One hundred eighty people auditioned for 30 speaking parts and he was cast along with 2 other freshman, two girls he had become friends with last year at our state’s Governor’s School. I don’t sound like a proud mom or anything do I?
Eva comes back tomorrow! I am dying to find out about her toys and how their vacation went. Meet you all over at Nothing Random tomorrow!
Inspiration – The ability to change the lives of others with your thoughts, your writing, your creativity and your love and to be able to be inspired by these gifts from others.
Imagination – I could not have survived this far in life if I hadn’t had my imagination. My favorite toy as a child, my friend as an adult.
Ideas – Where would we be with out them? Ours, other peoples, good ones, bad ones ideas tell who we are. I love the look on Nick face now when I say, ‘I’ve got an idea!’
Image – A picture, a visual. The images that you all post on your sites tell so much about you. Whether you created the image or chose it, it speaks volumes.
Implement – There are lots and lots of implements I am grateful for. I hope for even more of them to be grateful for in the future.
Identity – Who we are. I have several identities. I have my identity as a daughter. I have an identity as a wife, as a lover. I have an identity as a mother. And I have yet another identity at work ,another with my friends here and still another as a blogger. I like the fact that I am the only one that knows my true identity.
Income – So very helpful. We often complain about the size. But when it goes away we realize just how good it actually was.
Infants – Both of mine and all the other I see. They give hope for the future; they soften the heart of anyone who sees them. They make me want to protect and care for them. Usually they bring out the best in people.
Intensity—A new feeling for me and I do love it!
Internet – Of course, a vital a source of inspiration, encouragement, acceptance, and information. It has provided me with friendship. It provided the catalyst to transform us from a middle-age couple in the doldrums to wild, crazy, sexy, amazingly passionate lovers. That’s a pretty awesome tool!
Saturday, August 19, 2006
I was so ready to try ‘Miss Mollie’! She is wonderful!! It feels a lot like the belt but less intense at the time. She sure can create a sting in a big hurry! I would like to try it with me lying facing Nick I think that would concentrate more of the sting on the sit spot. I keep finding new favorite toys! Oh well, variety is the spice of life.
I was more amazed at what happened next. We have experimented more with anal toys since I came out to Nick. I was a bit hesitant at first but I found I liked it. I still wasn’t willing to try anal sex. I was just too scared. But isn’t everything a matter of trust? This morning I was in such sub mode that I wanted to try, I wanted to please him. I had total trust in him. I did it to please him but I pleased myself too. I didn’t really expect that. But then again I’ve been in a state of shock for 3 months now. What will the future hold?!
We cuddled for a while. I fell back asleep, when I finally got up I checked to see if Mollie had left any marks but she hadn’t, at least not visible ones. When I sat down to read the paper I found out the affects were still around! That’s one thing about a well given spanking – it’s the gift that keeps on giving!
Friday, August 18, 2006
Nick called later in the morning to see how I did. He seemed very happy that I was continuing to lose and he had drawn a line on the chart with showing a gradual slope to the point we had wanted to reach after the first 8 weeks. He said that since I was under where I needed to be for this date all was going very well. I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt. I hadn’t made goal. It wasn’t exactly the scenario I had envisioned.
Wait a minute.
Exactly what I had envisioned?
Isn’t the whole goal to have Nick in charge?
Didn’t he handle thing exactly the way he thought they should be handled??
By George, I think he’s got it! I think he got it quicker than I did. Once I realized this I felt great. We continue to make progress daily and we are both very happy! I can’t ask for anything else! The weekend is here! Let the games begin!!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I know that he is more comfortable with erotic and good girl spankings. But he needs to know that discipline is okay when he feels that it is necessary. I myself am conflicted. I truly do not want a punishment spanking for two reasons; one it means I have let both of us down and two because they hurt!! At the same time I worry that he will let it go and that might just hurt worse. Even as inexperienced as I am with the discipline spankings I know that its not so much how hard he hits or with what its just more the seriousness of the occasion and the realization that he is not playing.
I hope he knows that if I make goal or not, discipline spanking or not, it will not affect my willingness to play at any time. Sore or not, that’s my problem not his. There may be no reason to worry; I am on my way to the gym in just a few minutes and I may have lost after all. I know all this sounds like topping from the bottom (Which he doesn’t completely mind at this time in our relationship because as he says this has been in my mind for decades, not his. I think knowing my thoughts helps him as he becomes more comfortable in the lifestyle.) But if I can T from B about one more thing – I would like to save ‘Mollie the Red’ for playtime!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Anyway, second strange thing I felt like shopping for clothes. That never happens. I have heavy so long that I haven’t even looked for pretty clothes. I don’t need to dress very fancy for work and I think all my clothes look frumpy. Suddenly along with feeling better I want to look better. I tried on things that ‘weren’t me’ but then this whole summer has been about stepping outside my comfort zone. My daughter just raised an eyebrow and asked ‘Mom ?’ I got a few things but I am waiting on my full fall wardrobe until Sky posts the pictures of her outfits!!
The last unusual part of the shopping trip happened at the mall. My kid wanted to go into Spencer’s Gifts if you don’t know the store it has all kinds of extremely vulgar and tasteless gifts. It also had a large display of black light lamps and posters, etc. which was what she wanted to look at. While she was in the back in her section, I found my section! They had the most beautiful red leather flogger I have ever seen, as well as several other items that I was dying to look at. Of course I could barely look at anything while I was on the lookout for (lets call her Mollie) Mollie to come back. I have to get back there! That flogger has my name on it!! More chance of being see at out mall, but this is worth the risk!! I’ll keep you posted! Today was by far the best back to school shopping trip I’ve ever been on!
Sunday, August 13, 2006
My daughter was to go to an outdoor play Saturday night. Rain most of the day had me on pens and needles but the rain stopped and off she went. Nick went back to get all the toys opened and batteries inserted! We had the whole evening ahead of us, no reason to hurry at all. We started with our card game again; it’s great for a slow warm-up.
I have to tell you the new paddle is one fine toy! The fuzzy side is great for a laugh but the leather side – Wow! Zing! Perfect!! It’s like eating spicy food. It’s hot while you are eating, tastes great. But then in a minute, gasp!... the burn really hits! I think that this is going to be one of my favorites.
Soon we got down to some serious stuff. The blindfold came out and I could really begin getting into a good head space. That paddle is wicked but I still wanted the belt too and Nick seemed happy to oblige. The other toys were big hits too. When you are in full sub mode and want to feel owed there is nothing like anal play. To me that goes to ownership and when we go there I feel like I am totally his. I love it!
The sex was as good as it gets. We came together in every way possible and a few that I wasn’t sure were possible! The orgasms were so intense that my muscles are actually sore from them, not the spanking. We enjoyed our evening so much we woke up early to continue. I believe four times in twelve hours is our personal best! The best part of all of this is that it wasn’t the new toys that made it such a great evening, it was us!!!!
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Don’t panic, make something up! What? They know most of my friends and family rarely use email. Okay I could tell them I’m talking to strangers I just met on line about how much I love a good spanking just before their dad and I have wild, passionate, monkey sex! No, they will never believe that. I could tell them I am exchanging receipts over the internet. No, that is even less believable than the spanking story! I decided on some version of the truth.
I told them that had started talking to some folks one the internet, mostly parents, some who had little kids and some who were experiencing the empty nest. I told them we talked about everything from cooking, to sex, to potty training. To my great relief they immediately lost interest. Now, so I won’t be a liar, here goes. Cooking: I don’t do it any more. Potty training: I’m for it. I think I’ve already mentioned the sex part, haven’t I?
Friday, August 11, 2006
I had just never spent much time in a store like this. It was fascinating. There were things there used to grab, pinch, plug, rub, vibrate, enlarge, sooth, enhance, prolong, spank and tickle. At first I was afraid to touch anything, actually I was afraid to even be seen looking at things. But eventually we wandered over into ‘our’ section and saw some flogger, and a crop much like the one in the picture Sky posted. I liked them both but how do you know what to buy. You would think they could at least provide some area where we could try them out a bit!!
I really want a flogger, but this one was plastic and I want a leather one. I was just about to decide on the crop when we saw a beautiful leather paddle, fake fur on one side. It was perfect. We got that as well as a few other more fun items to try. Can you imagine being a clerk in that store? Was she looking at our purchases and thinking ‘she’s going to get her ass busted tonight’ or was she wondering ‘who are these old folks buying for?’ But she was very pleasant and sent us off with ‘Have a pleasant evening!’
I am dying to take her advice. But we put everything away until we get the house to ourselves. When we use our new toys I just want time and privacy, we have everything else we need!
I hope Nick knows how much I love the little changes I see. He touches me! It is unbelievably wonderful. I don’t care if he is giving me a hug, patting my bottom or rubbing my leg - at home or out on the town. In bed he turns over and just reaches out and touches me. I love it!!
There have been other changes. In the past when we had sex I never wanted my breast touched. I didn’t like it; it hurt and bothered me to have them touched. Now I love it, what has changed? We woke up for a little early fun before all the family showed up for Sunday lunch. If the kids are home the only time for a bit of spanking is very early morning when a cannon wouldn’t wake them. It doesn’t have the wild abandonment that comes from being alone but it’s pretty darn good. Well of course any kind of spanking can get my juices flowing but when he pinched my nipples and sucked on them I just flowed (female ejaculation? Who knew?) It was fantastic!!! The same is true for anal play; I used to want to avoid this. But now I am willing to explore. Not anal sex, but playing and touching is suddenly something I desire, not avoid.
But I am serious about the question. What exactly created the change? Can this much change come about just from reading blogs, from coming out to my husband, from accepting who I really am? Is it my husband’s willingness to spank and explore the lifestyle? Is it the encouragement and acceptance of other bloggers that creates a safe environment that I want to be a part of? I guess its combinations of all the above. But if that is the case why aren’t we being studied by sex therapist world wide? Let’s find a way to bottle this stuff folks, we’ll make a fortune!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
There were several reasons I was worried about yesterday. Of course I worried about the move, but I was also worried about me and Nick and how serious we are about this new lifestyle. My biggest fear is that the bliss I have felt this summer is going to ebb away as work and real life takes over. I worry that Nick won’t believe it is truly a lifestyle that I want us both to continue to explore and live and I was worried about me. How serious was I, would it all begin to seem like a game to me when confronted with the ‘real life’ concerns of our son’s leaving. Much of my fears were laid to rest yesterday.
It really began the night before, I was in the kitchen when one of the waves hit and I found myself in tears. Now over the years I know that Nick never really knew how to react to my tears. They don’t come often. I hate to cry. He never knew whether to ignore them, give me a hug or what. He didn’t know what I wanted him to do because I didn’t know what I wanted him to do. I usually just tried to get away from everyone when the tears started. But Tuesday night it felt different. When I started crying he just held me and I didn’t feel like I had to hide, I just leaned against him and it felt wonderful.
I woke up around 4:00 AM Wednesday morning thinking that what would really help me get through the day was a spanking. But I knew it wasn’t likely. I didn’t think that Nick would try that when he knew my mind was so consumed with other thoughts and feelings. I was wrong!! I heard the click of the door that usually precedes interesting activities in out bedroom. Nick started rubbing my bottom with the bamboo backscratcher. I can’t tell you exactly what he said but I know what I heard. He said that he knew it was going to be a hard day and he knew I would be sad and that was okay, but I needed to remember it was our son’s day and not to be so upset as to make it harder for him. He also said he wanted me to focus on us and our lives and not just the change in our son’s life. He then started with the backscratcher in a way that really helped me focus!! OUCH! He didn’t go particularly hard; we had a long ride ahead of us. Although not being able to sit comfortably would have been wonderful treat. That will really keep you focused!!
I wish I could make you understand how different these past few days would have been if they had taken place 3 months ago. I would have cried alone, hiding from my husband. I would have been consumed with loneliness at the thought of my son’s leaving. I would have felt that my best friend was moving away. But now when I cried, my husband held me and I know that I didn’t leave my best friend at college. I came home with my best friend.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
I wanted a baby every since I knew what one was. I began babysitting at 12 and prayed and dreamed of the time I would have a child of my own. I was very picky in picking a husband. I didn’t marry until I was 26 and Nick is the only man I have ever been with. A few medical problems made the possibility of having children of my own a less than a 100%. But after a bit of surgery and some more treatments the miracle occurred. I did get pregnant and gave birth to the most wonderful, perfect baby I could ever imagine.
Having a child was the only thing in my life that completely lived up to my expectations. When he was hungry, scared, cold, lonely, whatever, he wanted me. Mommy was everything to him. He loved his dad but I was the one that was always around. When he was little I could solve all his problems as he got older I couldn’t solve them all but he would still discuss them with me.
We have the same weird since of humor, he introduced me to MAD TV and we would watch it together on Saturday night. His well thought out and intellectual arguments change my political views. He is a lover of the arts and traveling. His current plans are to finish college and move to the big city.
His utter joy at this anticipated leaving breaks my heart while at the same time I rejoice that I have actually done my job exactly right. He is ready to go out into the world. I say my job because I feel I have done most of the child rearing in the family. Nick loves them but his work often kept him from being there. I got everyone up, to and from school, to doctor appointment, fieldtrips, and birthday parties. I got to be there for everything. So while I will take any blame for how the kids turned, I am also taking some of the credit.
I am amazed when I see my beautiful baby boy as a man. I’m stunned that it happened so quickly. I know that our relationship is undergoing a big transaction. He will come home of course, but my little boy is leaving and he won’t be back. He has his own love now and mom is never going to be number one again. That’s the way it is supposed to be, it’s a good thing, and it hurts like hell. The relationship that I wanted and dreamed of since I was a child has come to an end. I know the new one we will form will be just as good or better, but it is still an unknown.
I know it’s better to give than to receive. I received the greatest gift in the world when this child came into my life, but it was only a loan. Now it’s time to give him back. So this wonderful young man is now my gift to the world. I pray that the world treats him with the love and respect I have for him. Son, I love you.
Monday, August 07, 2006
But I tried one more time. When I typed in spanking it said I had 13,500,000 sites to choose from. From all those, I clicked on My Bottom Smarts. I was stunned at what I found. A normal person writing wonderful funny stories, tutorials, suggestions I just couldn’t believe my find. I read everything Bonnie had written. I read all the comments. I checked out the sites of the folks that had left comments. I found my world, a place that I felt that I belonged.
This all happened the last week in May. Since that time, because of the courage and acceptance that I knew was out there for my particular kink, everything has change. I came out to Nick and found total acceptance if not total understanding. My desire to make love with my husband has gone from putting up with it once or twice a month to wanting him once or twice a day. The change has been completely amazing. Instead of spending this month only in dread of my oldest leaving home, I have fallen back in love with my husband and realized the potential of what our lives can really become as we explore this new lifestyle. I feel like my life is just beginning and I am so excited!!
So Bonnie, if ever you wonder if the time and effort you put into your blog is worth it, please know that you and your work has been the catalyst for all the wonderful changes in my life. I really love all the friends that I have found here. I love having these friends to talk to and learn from. But mostly I love having Nick for a friend. Thank-you for what you do.
Bonnie, I wrote this several days ago before I read tonight about your upcoming vacations. The vacations are a wonderful idea. No one wants you to burn out and give up on blogging due to exhaustion. Relax, have fun, and enjoy Randy. Forget about us for awhile – but not forever!
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Once you have been tagged, you have to write a post with 8 facts/things/habits about yourself and say who tagged you. In the end, you will need to choose the 6 people you tag and list their names. No tag backs.
1.I have a very large extended family brother, sisters, aunts, uncle, cousins, cousin’s kids, etc. and we all really like each other! I feel the same way about Nick’s family.
2.Besides the US, I have been to 4 other countries on 3 continents.
3.I have always been a member of the same church. I was baptized, confirmed, married, baptized my kids and buried both my parents at the same little church.
4.I still cut the crust off the bread when I make a sandwich.
5.Nick is the only man I have ever had sex with. In the 25 years we have know each other I have never asked him when he lost his virginity, with whom or how many women he had been with. I never cared. I’m the one he married!
6.We have 2 dogs, 2 cats, and one ferret. I don’t know how I got talked into the ferret.
7.I am a licensed Veterinary Technician. But I haven't worked in that field in over 10 years.
8.If I am awake the TV is on. The sound may be off and I might be listening to music, but the TV is on.
Many of the people I know have been tagged so I'll only do two.
I tag Cassie and Sky.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Then Nick came home and I became a bit uneasy again. I had emailed him to ask him to be sure to check out Nothing Random and New Beginnings also. It was a while until he got to the computer and I felt my stomach tighten. I could hear him typing a reply which was much longer than usual for him. It was a great reply. He seems confused and a bit bothered by the fact that I hadn’t really wanted him to do the very thing I had made him promise to do. No wonder the poor guy is bewildered!
He went on to say that he read the blog because I certainly had made no attempt to hide it and that’s true. He has never tried to censure it in any way and wasn’t planning to and he also reads it for information – what I am thinking, feeling and how we are doing in general. I had a reply, but the idea of trying to type it all was daunting. So I tried something really radical. I talked to him!
Both kids were gone and wouldn’t be home for hours. I took his hand and led him to the bedroom to cuddle and where I could talk with out looking directly at him. I explained that the very reason that I had made him promise to follow through with the punishment spanking for not meeting goal was because I knew there would come a time when I didn’t want it. I need his promise and his follow through to feel safe in the fact that we are in this together and he really cares. We all know it, a spanking makes you feel loved, protected and cherished. If they didn’t care why would they bother? He told me that he felt that this was the way a marriage should be. The caring and talking that we have done these last few weeks makes us feel like husband and wife instead of mom and dad.
Well after our talk the fun really began. We played a bit of our version of strip poker, complete with penalties for having the losing hand. He even let me show him what some of our toys felt like but only for basic information, as he reminded me – I’m the spanko in the family! It was wonderful. By the time we finished with each other we were in a tangle of sheets, toys, cards and discarded clothing! What a fantastic afternoon after a bewildering morning. How quickly a day can turn around.
I’m so glad we got this delightful afternoon in before the 30 relatives descend on us for Saturday and Sunday. I’ll check in when I can. I just wanted everyone to know that things are going great!
Friday, August 04, 2006
Well, I had decided to ask him not to read my blog at all but a good friend asked me to reconsider. And I have. After all he is my husband after 20 years. It’s time that if he wants to know what I am feeling it’s his right. But he is going to have to accept them for what they are my feeling – good, bad or indifferent. If he doesn’t want to know, he can read elsewhere.
Having said all that, here goes, my feelings. I had an interesting morning. I was still really annoyed all night then Nick woke me up to remind me it was weigh in day. I wasn't in the mood to play, I was pissed. But I got up. Last week, the first week I lost 3 pounds but this morning I had gained back 2.
Dilemma: I just woke up, I had gained weight, I was mad at Nick and I was in no mood for a spanking, much less the one I expected for not meeting goal. I hadn't felt less sub-like since I started this. Nick chose to take care of things on the spot. I have made a commitment to this so I said nothing. It hurt, really hurt, partial because I was really fighting it mentally. It was as close as I have ever come to crying, but I didn't. I was another step and it was a good step, a healthy one. I do not want this to be a game I want it to be real.
I feel much better now. For a long time I fought so hard against feeling any emotion that it feels wonderful to just ‘feel’ at all. Anger, conflict, negative emotions are so much better than nothing. If I can open up to feeling – good or bad – it has to be better in the long run than to stay inside these safe walls I have built for my comfort. I would be a better wife, a better mother and a better friend. So here it is. Another leap, I hope I have a safe landing.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Nick does seem to have some confusion over the idea of discipline and who can blame him. He said he can’t imagine a scenario where he would use this. Hearing that was disappointing for me but I completely understood it. We never fight. Never. None. We haven’t ever and I can’t believe we ever will. What do people fight about!? Some people fight over kids. I usually make the decisions about the raising of the children. I like that, and they are turning out well so Nick is content to leave this to me. Some people fight over money, we are not rich but we agree on money. We both like to save, we buy what we want but we are not extravagant. Some people argue about sex. Well I am sure that Nick has been disappointed with that in the past but neither of us has a complaint now! I took the role of peacemaker as a child and never got over it. So being bitchy is not in my nature. If I just went out – way out of my way to make him mad about something, as he put it he would probable be so mad that he would want to play.
I think the best I can hope for in this area is for Nick to help me play my mind game. So very much of this is in our heads anyway. I told him that I want to be able to stand in front of the candy machine at work and say to myself; if I don’t make goal this week Nick is going to bust my ass! I know that one thing that bugs him is when I leave laundry unfinished, left in the dryer or often in the basket not put away and eventually mingled with the dirty. If he occasionally spanked me for this (heaven help me not every time!) I would do better. Not because I feared a spanking if I didn’t do it – because of course we all love a good spanking – but because I would want to please him for doing this for me. Then maybe I could earn a good girl spanking! I know the poor man’s head is spinning but I think he is as happy as I am and I am living out my lifelong dream.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
I clearly have not given Nick enough credit! I emailed him yesterday with most of the information I put in my blog. We talked a bit last night about my worries. But this morning I woke as he sat on the bed (he leaves the house at 6:00AM and I get up whenever.) He said there was no need to sit around the house and brood all day and I obviously need something else to think about. I have taken to sleeping in the nude lately and he pulled back the covers and started on my still sleeping behind with the bamboo backscratcher. I was worried there for a minute that it was already time for Tigger’s ‘I told you so’, but it was great!
He had to leave for work and I was left happy but not completely satisfied. He was right on the money I did not feel like ‘sitting’ all day. I was in a very lighthearted mood. He emailed twice from work – an unheard of event! – with questions about how I felt about the early morning wake up call and asking for reading suggestions.
We went out to eat and then Nick suggested going over to my parent’s house to pack up yard sale stuff. I wasn’t really in the packing up mode but I was willing. We are in the process of getting the house ready to sell but not long after we got there I began to doubt my wisdom of selling all the bed and couches! Nick told me that it was time to finish what he started this morning. There are various bit and pieces left so he threw some blanket and towels over the end of a table and instructed me to strip and bend over. He had to be inventive so he rounded up a plastic fly swatter and a hard plastic ruler. He began scolding me (that’s new) he said there was no use worrying about things that I couldn’t do anything about and to stop worrying about things I shouldn’t do anything about. By the time he finished with the fly swatter, the ruler and his hand the only thing I was worrying about was my butt. Spankings do have a way of centering your attention!
Speaking of kinks I suddenly found myself on all fours with my husband making delicious love to me in my parent’s living room! When my mom was alive we were not even allowed in the room except at Christmas. Well come to think of it felt a little like Christmas morning! Nick is coming along by leaps and bounds. Things are definitely looking up!