Yesterday was Nick’s birthday. And I did get his birthday spanking, with all
the trimmings. He used a different implement
for each decade and I was stinging toward the end – my fault entirely for being
married to an old man! But we had a very good time. Now on to the post I’ve been trying to work
on…
Last week was a strange one.
I began three posts and didn’t finish any of them because I just didn’t
know what I wanted to say. But here goes, because if it rolls around in my head
any longer it gonna explode.
Let me preface this with the fact I know we are both (mostly
Nick) running in circles with the renovations, but Nick and I are in one of our
most difficult and long lasting cycles.
We each want one important thing from the other, yet neither of us is
getting what we want/need. I want Nick
to be more dominant and to spank me more, Nick wants me to initiate sex
more. Neither of us means to ‘hold back’
as in “Since you won’t do this, then I won’t do that.” But the effects are the
same.
I liked Bas’ last post – he described our problem pretty
well. I’ve never really felt sexy. Like
most girls coming to age in the 60’s and 70’s, I learned about sex from my
mother. Who had in turn, learned from her mother, who was born in 1880!!
Yes it was these two wild women who formed my view on sex. The basic idea was that ‘nice girl’ only did
it after marriage, and only if they wanted to get pregnant. Later they might choose to 'endure sex' to possibly keep their husband from straying. The idea was to allow your husband to have
his way with you and hope he didn’t wake you.
Intellectually, I didn’t believe that. I think we girls should pole dance and strip
for our man; install that trapeze right into the mirror over the bed. I think our toy boxes should be filled with
every vibrating apparatus known to man and that our closet shelves should be
lined with spanking implements.
I think that, but I never really lived it. When we were first married I just wasn't much good at sex, I was so repressed. But I rarely, if
ever, turned him down. Nick’s not stupid and I know he felt my lack of
enthusiasm and participation. He wanted
more of a response, I’m sure, but he was a gentleman and wasn’t pushy. And over the years we probably averaged once
a month.
I was one of those women who wanted to want sex – I really
did want to feel that way, but it never happened. So I quit trying, I buried myself in the
children and Nick buried himself in work and we lived our lives. Most of the time I pretended to myself that I
wasn’t a sexual creature. But when I did
let myself go and fantasies, it was always about being dominated and spanked.
And slowly the truth dawned on me.
Somewhere with in me was a hidden belief that nice girls
don’t have sex and if they do they certainly don’t enjoy it. But, if the man was in complete
control, if you had no choice, if you had to do as he said, well then if
you had sex and you enjoyed it, it wasn’t your fault ! For me,
submission in the bedroom was what truly freed me.
When we first began all this, the more dominant he acted the
hotter it was for me and the sexier. Back then, the spankings were longer – sometimes really hard and
my mind had a chance to ‘catch up’. I
had time to fall into my fantasy of ‘this man is in total control, I belong to
him and I’ll do anything he says.’ Not
only did my mind responded, so did my body. It was hot as hell, and for the first
time in my life I felt sexy, I felt desirable and I wanted him in every sexy way possible! And I did find myself initiating more, not tons, but more. I didn’t even mind when occasionally he would
turn me down, with a ‘not right now’.
Damn, that was hot – for me to want sex and be denied made me long for
it more, and that was a feeling that
I loved!
When Nick has me pick the implements, when he says ‘I’ll
keep spanking until you tell me to stop, even when he says this is your treat,
what would you like?’ It has the total opposite effect on me than what you
would think. This puts me back in charge
and I can’t fully let go.
As the years have passed and TTWD is not longer brand new to
us we fall into ‘habits’. When Nick
wants to make love, he will spank for a little while, but never long enough for
my mind and body to catch up before he move on to other things. I need that feeling of sexual dominance a
little all along.
In our everyday life I am not submissive and he is not
dominant. We are equal. But I don’t mind play-acting to improve our
sex life. A dominant text or email,
telling me to do something (even like a house hold chore) is hot. A message
that I’m going to be spanked later – for any reason or just because he wants
to, is hot. The threat, and follow
through, of a particular implement, is hot.
A hard spanking before we leave the house to go somewhere so that I am
actually sitting on a sore stinging bottom for the evening is ultra hot! (That
was written by Badass, of course – we’ve sent Wimpy away for the moment.)
The first time he ever used his belt I bruised pretty badly.
The reason for the spanking, he told me, was that I had talked and wondered so
much about ‘punishment’ that he thought he would give me a taste of what to
expect. So he wasn’t angry, just serious
(the attitude I love for him to have
when spanking). We were going out to eat with some friends that night and my
butt hurt! There was no way I could sit
without feeling it. I could not keep the
grin off my face all night and I was dying to get that man in bed when we got
home.
I want Nick to spank more; he wants me to initiate
more. We love each other and we’ll work
this out. I’ve posted several things over the last few weeks I wanted him to
read, but I never ask him to. I think
I’ll ask him to read this one and maybe we’ll both get more of what we
want.
