I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, July 31, 2006

Strange day

I did not have a good day. My son is leaving for college next week. I have held it together pretty well so far, but this morning it hit pretty hard. I know once he is there and settled I will be fine, but I have to get through this next week without drowning in tears. He doesn’t need that and neither does the rest of the family.

Dr. Phil says that you teach people how to treat you. Well for decades now I have taught Nick to back off and leave me alone when I am feeling strong emotions. Not just Nick, everyone. I know how to put on a happy face and make others feel better. But I don’t know how to react when other offer me comfort it is easier to pull back into myself and assure everyone I am fine and leave me the hell alone.

But now I don’t want Nick to leave me alone. Since we are so new to this I know he still views it as a game to spice up our sex life. That’s great, but I want so much more. I want to feel he is the strong one. I want him to take control. I have gone through everything in my life on my own and I don’t want to anymore. But how do I tell him at this late date. How do I push him away for 20 years then expect him to fulfill my needs when I don’t really know what my needs are.

I don’t think he will spank me if he thinks I am feeling emotional about other things. But that is what I want him to do to change my focus to us. ‘Us’ is where I need to be focused these days. Someday both of the kid will be gone and ‘us’ is all we will have. I want it to be wonderful, but if he backs off when I have strong feelings then where are we. Do I seem as confused to everyone else as I do to myself?
I have to add a footnote to this. I am learning from myself. I wrote this post earlier today when I was feeling pretty bad. Just before Nick got home I emailed him with the short version. I got back a wonderful reply that leads me to think that maybe he is willing to work on many aspects of our marriage. To let you know how truly hard it is to discuss this face to face we actually often sit in the same room and email each other on our laptops. It sounds silly even to me, but it works.

Say what?

Good Morning!! I am so happy to have the yard sale behind me that I am not yet thinking about the 35 family members that will be at my house this weekend for our family reunion. At least I am trying not to thing about it!

I want to share something I received yesterday from a little 96 year old lady at our church. Along with a friend she had made up a list of "mountain speech" that use to be heard so much in our area. It actually still is. Here are some of my favorites:

Don't bite off more than you can chew.

I'll put the quietus on her.

I'm goinna tan that youngun's hide.

That man ain't got no gumption.

Quit a carryin' on like a cat with with a sore tail.

One good thing you can say about the devil - he ain't lazy.

That mean womern's going to gether come-up-pance one day.

That boy's hell bent for trouble.

What's one man's meat is another man's poison.

I feel kinda discomboberated today.

There may be snow on the roof, but there's far in the chimmney below.

She's was madder 'n a old, wet sttin' hen.

He's too lazy to hit a lick at a snake at a snake if it was a fixin' to bite him.

And my favorite,

A hard head makes a sore behind.

I love the colorful way people in different areas of the country speak. If you need any translations let me know.

So I'll "see" you tomorrow -- The good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

What a Day

This will be short entry. We had the yard sale today. I now feel like someone beat me -- but not in the good way. I am so warn out that if Nick asked me if I wanted a good spanking followed by wild sex I would be to tired to say yes ... I would just nod !!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Shame on Me

I’m doing better already. Nick says one of his favorite changes is the fact that I initiate love making more often. By more often that means the 5 times this month as opposed to about 5 times in the past 23 years (that was because I wanted to get pregnant). So taking him at his word I slipped into bed naked and snuggled up to him. He was most agreeable! Almost too agreeable, he was up for a spanking and I would have loooved it but the boy was still up and wandering around the house and the girl had an ingrown toe nail removed earlier in the day and she was restless so noise was not an option. The fact that he was so willing is so encouraging to me.

So as Tigger suggested in an email I probably need a good spanking for complaining! I came out to my husband on June 1. We are talking less than 2 months ago! I have had regular but not very hard spankings. He has agreed to try DD at least for helping me toward a healthy weight. I got one very hard spanking to show me what to expect if I don’t meet goal, bruises and everything! And there is something else that really touched me. I was gone for a long weekend for college orientation. I had both kids so Nick was home alone. When I got back I found that he had made me two gifts. One was a hand tied leather flogger and the other was a beautiful thin hand crafted wooden paddle that he had made himself. Please slap me if I complain about this guy again!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I Know He Trying

I took my own advice and emailed Nick to thank him for great sex the other morning and to tell him some other things I would like from him. One of the things I told him was that it would be wonderful if he would flip the covers down and give me a good pop on the butt before he leaves for work some morning. So this morning I’m half asleep he flips the covers back and gives me a pat that wouldn’t have injured a mosquito. I wanted to sit up and say – Put some muscle in it, you hit like a damn girl! (No offence Sky).

I know I can’t be mad at him when he is really trying. He didn’t ignore me, he did try, but it wasn’t what I wanted! Grace said pretty much what I feel. I want to tell Nick, Dominate me, damn it, and do it right now! I’ll tell you exactly what I want you to do!
He hasn’t said anything but I think he is still worried about the bruising from last Friday. It has persisted but it has not been a problem to me in anyway. I’m just worried he will never do anything but pat my butt again.

I know that Nick sees this as a game while I want it to be a way of life. I have just been thinking of how I wanted it for 40 years longer than he has and I don’t have 40 years to wait for him to catch up. I have to push some. Nick and I never fight, I mean never! I used to think that this was a good thing, but now I just think it shows a lack of passion.
Some of you have talked about bratting your way into a spanking. I could never do that. First, he would think I was insane because it would be so unlike me. Second, if I really did something to make him mad he would just shut down, stop talking and ignore me. I mean he would never spank me if he was mad because he would know that that was exactly what I wanted.
I am probably just antsy because I see no time it the immediate future for playing. We have a big yard sale this weekend and a family reunion next Saturday and Sunday, thirty or so people at my house for 2 days. They don’t sleep here but they are here all during the day. I love having this reunion each year but I just want to have some time alone with Nick!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Ten important Things

I love Bonnie for asking this question. Not for the chance to tell what I hope my blog with say to other, but so that I can understand it myself. So here goes.

What are the 10 things, thoughts, or ideas you would most like readers to take away from your blog?

1.If you are turned on by spanking (and you know who you are) tell your partner today! Do not waste one more minute. The worse he could say is – not interested, and you have lost nothing.

2.People who love spanking are very normal people. We are nurses, teachers, secretaries, lawyers. We look after our kids, sometimes our parents; we teach Sunday school and bake cookies for school parties. We are NORMAL!

3.Being spanked by someone you love and trust make you feel cherished, safe and loved in a way that nothing else can.

4.In a spanking relationship, the relationship becomes the core of your life. Other things like work, neighbors, chores, errands, etc. are just things you do. Real life is you and your partner.

5.If this has always be a fantasy and you are just getting ready to try it for real you need to know: Spankings hurt!! They can hurt like hell. But you will still love the experience and the feeling afterwards money can’t buy!

6.Sex after a spanking is the greatest thing since sliced bread! It’s your birthday, it’s Christmas morning, it’s winning the lottery. This is coming from someone who simply hated sex, I loved my husband, but I hated sex. Now I can’t get enough. I have the most happy, stunned husband on the planet.

7.Be understanding of other people’s chosen lifestyle. People are different, that’s a good thing. Some would say I’m a pervert for this kink. I’m not. My husband and I love each other and hurt no one. Be understanding of other and live and let live.

8.Look for toys where ever you can find them. Kitchen supply stores, hardware stores, pet supply stores. Always be on the lookout for items that would not attract attention in the bedroom. Fly swatters, belts, slippers, back scratchers. Remember your kids are everywhere, many toys can’t be left out but these can.

9.Men if you are reading here please don’t let us down. If we have finally told you that this is what we want and need, understand that we have probably been thinking about this, dreaming about this for years. It’s not a spur of the moment request. We want it, we yearn for it, and we need it. You are the only one we trusted with this embarrassing secret. If you try it once and then stop, we may never have the courage to bring it up again and we are going to feel a bit rejected, a bit lonely and a bit sad.

10.Men can’t read our minds. I know that is stupid of them, but they are only men, so cut them some slack. We can’t give up either. Talk with them, explain things to them, tell them which blogs to read. I can’t look at my husband and talk to him about this yet but I email him a lot! I can get going with words. He seems to love it. If it’s not working out like you expected – keep working at it, it’s worth it. Don’t give up!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

When to come out

I know that many of us have been interested in spanking since childhood. But it seems that most of those of us that are writing are not kids anymore. Are there many people that come out to their SO when they are new in the marriage or do a lot of us wait? I waited 23 years and now I am thinking what a waste of time.

I think it may have to do with becoming a totally confident, competent adult in your own mind before you can have the confidence to hand over control to someone else. Everyone I have read here comes across as an extremely confident adult. Sometimes that is what I am sick of. That is why I want to let someone who loves me and that I trust make me do what I need to. And then see that I do it.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Kids In the House

I know a lot of us still have children at home and finding the solitude we need for our favorite past time is a big problem. My oldest is usually working or out with friends but my younger teenager is still often at home. She is at the point that even seeing us touch is yucky to her. However, a few years ago she did stumble across something embarrassing. It was a sexy note my husband had left me the time we tried some spanking then let it die out. Well she didn’t stumble across it Miss Nosey was looking in my night stand!

It wasn’t awful but it was nothing I wanted her to see. She left me a note on my pillow several nights later telling me she had seen it. I was upset and at a loss for an explanation suitable for a 10 year-old! This was finally what I came up with. I left her a note with basically this information.

1. I love you, but stay out of my drawer and do not read my private notes ever again.

2. Your dad and I are happily married. We are not unfaithful to one another. You never have to worry about us divorcing. We enjoy each other. You should be happy that your parents get along so well.

3. If you would like to discuss this any further I will be glad to, but not until you have been in a happy marriage for at least 20 years. Once you meet this requirement we can talk. Until then I’m the mom and you are the kid so you don’t have to worry about any of this.

I got one more note back from her saying only “I understand”. It hasn’t come up since.

What few toys we have in a locked briefcase under the bed. My sister, who knows nothing about my kink, has instructions to get it out of the house and toss it, unopened, into a dumpster far, far away. Even if she looks in it she would never let the kids know. If either of them is home the only time we might have for a bit of spanking is early in the morning. They love to stay up late but nothing wakes up a teenager. Any other suggestions?

We did come so close to being caught last Thursday. I was helping with Bible School at our church. My part was first so on the first night I rushed home and we had almost an hour and a half before I went back to get our daughter. My oldest was working from 5 until 10 so all was fine and we had emailed each other with plans for Thursday.

As I waited to pull out of the church parking lot my son drove past! He was supposed to be at work. I followed him home and came in with him – talking very loudly! Eventually my husband wandered to the living room to join us. They hadn’t needed everyone at work so my son had volunteered to leave. He had visited a friend for an hour then came home. If he had been 10 or even 5 minutes later he might have walked in on something he didn’t want to see. I know I wouldn’t have wanted him to see!!!!

How long did we all try to hide our activities from our parents? Do I have to spend the rest of my life hiding my activities from the kids?? Oh well, it’s not a boring life!

What Have I Done?

It is so comforting to be among like minded people! I remember being thinking about spanking since the age of 4 or 5. It is the only thing I have ever fanaticized about. So while I have been thinking and longing for this for over 40 years I still worried that now I have jumped into something too fast.

The idea of a DD marriage in something I have long dreamed about but truly I just can’t possibly see it happening. My husband could never even correct our kids much less take control of me. But I asked him to try this in one area of our lives. Like many other my age I am no skinny fashion icon. Let’s call my husband Nick. Nick has never made me feel unattractive because I am over weight, never fusses, nothing to make me feel bad over it but I know he would be pleased if I lost because of the health issues.

Well I want to lose some. I do not plan on being skinny or ever thin but to feel better, help my knees, decrease my risk of diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, etc. and to feel better with my over all appearance I have to do this! I asked Nick to help. I have had him doing some reading on DD relationships. We have come up with a reasonable and completely doable plan. I will weigh in every two weeks. If I don’t reach goal there will be a discipline spanking.

Well he has agreed but I didn’t believe the old boy would follow through. He worries that he is hurting me when we just play. But I was wrong! Friday morning once the kids left he said we needed to get something clear. He said he was going to show me what a discipline spanking would be like because he said I showed so much fascination with it I would probably miss goal intentional just to experience it. (He may be smarter about this that I gave him credit for!) Well I went over the end of the couch and had my first hard spanking with his belt. WOW! OUCH!! DAMN!!! It hurt like hell. But even then I was thinking YES!

One problem arose because while my mind is as chocolate at it gets, my poor ass is as vanilla as they come. There was some pretty bad bruising. I was as proud as I could be, but it may have scared Nick a bit. I have told him over and over that I am great. We communicate about this mostly through email because talking face to face is too embarrassing for me.

All seemed to be working out just as I wanted! Nick agreed to have this part of our relationship as DD. He has shown that he can actually come through with the good when he has to. He has also promised to remember that gg spankings are to come as often as possible. There was only one part I hadn’t completely thought through—now I actually have to work to lose the damn weight! Well that stinks.

I’ll keep you posted on how things are going.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

It Starts

I have been reading some of the wonderful blogs out there for a few months. Within the last few days I got the courage up to leave a comment and now I'm blogging. This is just a way to sort out my feelings since no one can possibly talk to friends and family about there desire to be spanked. Hell, it took me 23 years to get up the nerve to tell my husband.

That's not exactly true. We dabbled a bit 4 years ago. I liked it but we just let it go because of children in the house ,there needs and my aging parent's needs took up a great deal of time. I stayed so consumed in other things that I just had no interest in sex. None. Zero. Zilch! I wanted to want it but I just didn't.

I'm sad to say that during these 4 years I lost my beloved parents. My son is leaving for college next month and my daughter is in and out more than she used to be. So I have actually had time to think about myself. I have looked on the Internet but what I found at first seemed like porn to me. I like sexy pictures of women getting spanked, but I didn't like torture, whips, chains, I don't want to see male nudity. And then my prayers were answered when I stunbled onto My Bottom Smarts and Bonnie.

It was unbelievabe! Normal, sane, regular people, women like me who had answers to my questions and made me feel normal again. I believe my husband thinks he died and went to heaven. We have made love 8 times so far this month and truly in the past I would have thought that was fine for a year! He is happy but stunned. I already have him reading My Bottom Smarts, Nothing Randon About a Spanking, A Spanking Good Time and Cassie's Space (I want to be Cassie when I grow up!)

I found that once I started leaving comments that it wasn't enough, I wanted to say more, ask questions, and just talk. I hope to hear from some of you.