I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

He's Gone

I am writing this a few days early because I knew I couldn’t do it on the actual day, but today I took my first born to college for the first time. I have two wonderful children. I love them both more than life itself but my boy is leaving and today I just want to talk about him.

I wanted a baby every since I knew what one was. I began babysitting at 12 and prayed and dreamed of the time I would have a child of my own. I was very picky in picking a husband. I didn’t marry until I was 26 and Nick is the only man I have ever been with. A few medical problems made the possibility of having children of my own a less than a 100%. But after a bit of surgery and some more treatments the miracle occurred. I did get pregnant and gave birth to the most wonderful, perfect baby I could ever imagine.

Having a child was the only thing in my life that completely lived up to my expectations. When he was hungry, scared, cold, lonely, whatever, he wanted me. Mommy was everything to him. He loved his dad but I was the one that was always around. When he was little I could solve all his problems as he got older I couldn’t solve them all but he would still discuss them with me.

We have the same weird since of humor, he introduced me to MAD TV and we would watch it together on Saturday night. His well thought out and intellectual arguments change my political views. He is a lover of the arts and traveling. His current plans are to finish college and move to the big city.

His utter joy at this anticipated leaving breaks my heart while at the same time I rejoice that I have actually done my job exactly right. He is ready to go out into the world. I say my job because I feel I have done most of the child rearing in the family. Nick loves them but his work often kept him from being there. I got everyone up, to and from school, to doctor appointment, fieldtrips, and birthday parties. I got to be there for everything. So while I will take any blame for how the kids turned, I am also taking some of the credit.

I am amazed when I see my beautiful baby boy as a man. I’m stunned that it happened so quickly. I know that our relationship is undergoing a big transaction. He will come home of course, but my little boy is leaving and he won’t be back. He has his own love now and mom is never going to be number one again. That’s the way it is supposed to be, it’s a good thing, and it hurts like hell. The relationship that I wanted and dreamed of since I was a child has come to an end. I know the new one we will form will be just as good or better, but it is still an unknown.

I know it’s better to give than to receive. I received the greatest gift in the world when this child came into my life, but it was only a loan. Now it’s time to give him back. So this wonderful young man is now my gift to the world. I pray that the world treats him with the love and respect I have for him. Son, I love you.


  1. Elis,
    Two facts come through here. He is a wonderful son and you are a wonderful mother. These facts won't change because of where he lives.

    Keep blogging, we are all here for you.


  2. Anonymous11:22 AM

    Elis~ I can only ditto what Cassie said!!! He's great. You're great. We're all here.


  3. Elis::

    Did you mean to make me cry, because you did!! What a beautiful and loving tribute to your baby boy.

    My sister went through the same thing with her son last autumn, well actually for months before. Like you, she was apprehensive to have him leave as their relationship was close, they too have the same weird sense of humor and she was going to be alone for the first time in her life. He's finished his first year of college and they're closer than ever. He understands now the sacrifices she made for him (she's been a single parent since he was 14 months old). He understands the depth of her love for him. The bond they have now is stronger than before and their friendship has grown as he's grown.

    The unknown is scary, but with a foundation built on love, you'll continue to have a solid bond.

    **Big Hugs**

  4. Elis, a beautiful post, it showed your quality as a mother and his as a son.
    You have given him the greatest gift he will ever need, a great start in life.
    He may love someone else, but that couldn't happen without the foundation that you built with love,
    He will build his life on that foundation and with the right partner it will be a good one, largely thanks to you.
    Be proud Elis, you have the right to be.
    Warm hugs,

  5. that is a beautiful post, it tugged my heartstrings & i think my ovaries as well.

    it's posts like yours that make me can't wait to have a child.

  6. Thank-you all so much. Your support helps more that you know. I am very serious about that!

    Just as I was writing this he called to make sure we had gotten home alright and to say goodnight.

    I got through the day well and I give all the credit to Nick. I'll tell you about it soon.


  7. Anonymous9:35 AM

    What a lovely post, Elis. Children just break your heart and rip your soul to shreds, but they are perverse enough to bring us joy, too! There's something very odd about being "human", I think.
    He's a very lucky young man to have such a great start in life. Good luck to him. :)

  8. You made me cry. This was beautiful.


  9. There you go again making me cry. Our boys are so much alike. First they had sensationals moms who raised them to be wonderful people.

    Michael has my sense of humor too. I would tell him grown up jokes when he was 7 and he got em. Then he would come home and tell me no one at shcool got it!

    Michael's interest in politics and religion amazes me, and his opinions are so grounded. He is the only person I can discuss these topics with. Actually he has taught me alot.

    My heart is also breaking over Michael's anticiapation. And the big city is also what he wants. But he wants it for college not after. He has applied to colleges in LA, NY, Boston, and Atlanta. Afterwards he wants to join the airforce and see the world.

    I guess they came out alike cause they both had spankos for moms!