I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, March 03, 2021

Please someone tell me what the hell to do!

This is the second part of a post I put up yesterday. You can find it here. I guess yesterday was pretty down - and honestly at this point I don't feel down about it. We pretty much don't indulge anymore and most of the time I'm okay with that. 

I do want to be more clear that Nick didn't think I was lying when he said he didn't believe me. It was more like he couldn't believe a woman would really want to be submissive, to be told what to do, to be spanked for heaven's sake. He thought I probably only wanted it in fantasy and that I couldn't possibly want the real thing. He was mistaken, but I can understand how he could have believed that in the beginning. Now how he didn't grasp the truth over the first few years, I don't know.

But now the current problem. The problem I need help with and don't know where to turn except to Nick. It's a big problem.

It's my health. It’s not bad at the moment, but without changes there will be major problems. I’m on medication for many things – diabetes, a slight heard arrhythmia and high blood pressure to name a few. All of these problems would improve greatly if I lost about fifty pounds.  I do take my medications and everything is under control at the moment. But my diet is horrible. I like meat, starches and junk foods of all kinds. About the only thing I changed when I found out about the diabetes was to give up soft drinks. That’s not enough. 

I’m not a stupid person. I know how important what you eat is to your health. I always assumed when I grew up, I’d eat like a grown up. I’m still waiting. I hate vegetables. How do I change my taste buds at this stage of life? And these vegetables that I don’t want to eat mostly have to be prepared, peeled, chopped, cooked. I hate cooking nearly as much as I hate vegetables, and to go to all that trouble for something I don’t want in the first place…

It's not that I don't know what to do - eat better and exercise more - but I've known that for over forty years and I haven't made myself do it yet. So what will work?


When we began TTWD I was able to hook him by asking his help with these problems. He was concerned, because any husband - who doesn't have a death wish - knows better than to mention weigh. But then I asked for his help. He was willing but hesitant. Spank his wife for being overweight?


That never happened, but we did try various way he could help. Often
I was spanked for not trying. Not exercising, munching on cookies all day, just in general not making the effort to be healthier. It was our TTWD honeymoon period and during the first eighteen months or so I lost forty pounds! 

Then I stopped trying. I could easily give you a hundred reason (or excuses) why. And only one of those would be that the TTWD went out of it. It’s just that TTWD was the only thing that sparked my interest. It was back in my wanting to be submissive days. He would say, “No snacking at school. Pack you a good lunch, but no snacking.” I was always shocked at how well a statement like that worked. When he put it like that, I did not snack at school. When he’d say something like. ‘I think maybe you should cut down on snacking at school,’ I would be annoyed and  get really pissed. I’d want to snap back with something like, ‘Oh you think I should? Well I don’t give a …’ You get the idea.Would that work now? I honestly don't know. I don't feel submissive anymore. 


But now comes my real dilemma. We’ve mostly stopped TTWD at my request. Do I dare try to stir it up again? And if I decided that I want to, how would it work? I’m not Nick’s child and he has no desire to be my parent. There will be no, ‘You can’t leave the table until you finish your veggies!’ So how exactly would it work? 


I’ll take any and all suggestions. I don’t have a clue with the food, but for exercising it could possible work. If we do this I need something where we can sit a goal – maybe with the fitness app on my phone, somethings we decide on and then all he needs to do is pick up my phone once a week or so and see if I’m keeping up with it.


Should we try it again?




TTWD has hurt me often – and I don’t mean my butt. I don’t want to start just to stop again, or worse yet to let it fade away from lack of interest.


For the moment I’m keeping my mouth shut and just letting ideas roll around in my mind.


  1. Alright. Can I be frank? You may never communicate with me after this, and that's ok, but i have to say this.

    1) i think it's a bigger issue at play here. the question i'm asking is why is it Nick's job to help you live better and be healthy? maybe don't collapse the two issues. Taking control of your health is one thing. TTWD is another thing.

    Your weight and health is your own responsibility, first and foremost. Look deep into yourself and ask yourself if [YOU] think you're worth making the change for. And when you're started on that road to live for yourself and be healthy for yourself, then you can (maybe) enlist the help of others, Nick included.

    2) aside from that, if you cant eat the better things, or wont eat the veggies etc, and can't be arsed to cook, then eat the better "convenience" foods. Tuna in a can is great. Beans from a tin is also great. Raw cucumber dipped in mayo isn't high carb so if diabetes is the enemy, that's an allowable alternative.

    If even that is too challenging, then my advice is just eat less. Eat what you eat, just less of it. leave behind a portion of fries for later - or tomorrow. Overnight carbs (fridge them for 8-12 hours min) tend to develop 30-40% resistant starch. Making them less likely to spike your blood glucose. I tell my patients to eat overnight rice, overnight potatoes (BTW boiled is better than baked, yam is better than potato or sweet potato) and overnight bread or pasta; popcorn is better than chips, look out for foods in the low GI low GL index that you DO like, and substitute.

    And when I say eat less i don't mean you have to leave half the burger behind. Just order/ buy your normal portion, but remove two mouthfuls from the plate into a storage container and chuck that in the fridge straightaway before you start eating.

    While eating have a large glass of water to wash your food down with. People often snack or get peckish cos they lack water.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with health issues, and seem to be stressed about how to cope with a diet change... but the good thing is YOU'RE HERE talking about it. And since I'm not one to coddle, (and I do apologise if i sound(ed) harsh), but COME ON WOMAN! YOU CAN DO IT! ANd ONLY YOU can make this change. NO DD no TTWD no cane flogger or paddle will work if your brain doesn't first acknowledge that is has to come from WITHIN YOU!

    (Also, if you do try with the TTWD again and it hurts you again there is a high chance you will look to food for comfort. and we DON'T want that!)

    1. I'm going to agree with fondles here. But I will offer you a few other things to think on.

      Perhaps it wasn't so much Ttwd that helped before in an accountability sense? Perhaps it was you feeling accepted in one very important area in your life and that positivity grew (snowballed if you will).

      When I decided to get healthy I also decided it was not an area I wanted B's imput- I needed to do this for me. I know we're all different, but I couldn't accept help from a man who is thin, but no expert on the matter. When he'd give me a specific time to exercise or whatnot, I'd balk at the idea, even if I wanted to anyway at that time.

      Perhaps it's Nick's overt interest in you that was the catalyst for your success before. Because for *us" that is a key factor in maintaining Ttwd. I am not 'parented' by my husband. He knows how to see me and when he does, I'll jump through hoops for him/me/us to make all aspects of our lives better. The accountability aspect for us is to the dynamic. When we began viewing it like that versus me/he things changed significantly for us.

      As for food- perhaps try intermittent fasting. Go slow at first ( say like not eating past 7pm and not consuming more than 100 cals in the am before a certain time) and build from there. You're not going to be perfect at first but that's okay. At the very least it will shorten the amount of time you can put things in your mouth. Lol. But it does work, and once you have achieved a bit of success- even if that just means being able to do that- maybe another strategy can then be incorporated.

      You don't write an entire book in one sitting, don't try too much in lifestyle changes in one sitting either. Go page by page with a general outline and before you know it, you'll have a chapter

    2. PK - I have to say I totally agree with both Fondles and willie ! I am back on the 'got to get healthy/lose weight' band wagon. I told Sir Steve BUT I don't want him to do anything .. just know why I am turning down foods I would have (in the past) jumped all over.

      BUT honestly willie and Fondles both said it much better than I can. listen to them.. please.. they make so much sense to me!

    3. Fondles
      You can always be frank here and I appreciate you taking the time to reply. You are completely right that my health is NOT Nick’s responsibility. It’s MINE, but though I’m a grown-assed woman and I really know that, I’m not doing anything about it! What I can’t seem to find is the way to kick-start myself.

      The idea of cutting down on what I do eat is very reasonable and doable – I’ve done it before with good results. So if I know these things why am I not doing them?

      I do come here talking about it. Sometimes I think I’m more honest here than anywhere else in my life. It’s good to have friends that will do a little yelling sometimes - thanks

      I’m sure my overall sunny outlook on life when we first began did effect my mindset on everything, including the weight loss. Nick is so laid back I can let him help me (he’s up a whopping 3 pounds since we married 37 years ago!) He’s never going to be picky. We did well when we set a weekly activity goal and it was up to me to get it done in my own time.

      I think I want him to help me get interested in doing it all again. Quarantine has made me more sluggish than normal. I’m just thinking TTWD might spark my interest, nothing else seems to. The intermittent fasting isn’t a bad idea. Unfortunately agreeing with good ideas and making lists is usually as far as it goes these days. I’m working on it.

    4. Morningstar -
      I agree, both have given good advice. I understand you not needing him to oversee this in any way. It's just that Nick 'oversight' worked so well the first time...

    5. artlover9:21 PM

      "1) i think it's a bigger issue at play here. the question i'm asking is why is it Nick's job to help you live better and be healthy? maybe don't collapse the two issues. Taking control of your health is one thing. TTWD is another thing."

      I think, as a husband, my wife's health and well being is part of my job. (And likewise she will tell me when she thinks I need to look after my own).

      We have used TTWD successfully for changing bad habits in the past, including eating habits. It is not easy to change bad habits, but if you stick with the TTWD, it can help. But you have to be consistent, and set realistic goals. And expect it to there to be a lot of "lap time" getting to lasting progress.

    6. Thank you Artlover, I think it's both. It's my responsibility but knowing Nick has my back really helps.

  2. I am so sorry you are struggling with this PK. I wish I had some wise words. Some good diet management advice from Fondles above and yes,

    On the ttwd front. Only you can answer. Is it really what you want and are you prepared for the ebb and flow of ttwd or it fading again?


    1. It all just seem so frustrating! I think I'm using my confusing as another roadblock in getting started. But honestly I think this dialogue is helping.

  3. PK,
    Can I ask what do you mean by this?

    "I’m not Nick’s child and he has no desire to be my parent?"

    I'm wondering if said as much on my blog in the past, out of ignorance .. or what is it? Why do we feel the need to say this when we all know that ttwd has nothing to do with wanting to be parented? Is this what you think Nick thinks?

    Regarding your decision and all that, I am rooting for you. I've already said things to you via email, so I won't repeat them again here.

    I do hope you start taking better care of yourself regardless of what you decide about talking to Nick or not. And I need to take my own advice on that, too!

    Hugs, Windy

    1. I think the 'parenting' thing hovers in the back of our minds for many of us. Doing as we're told and if we don't follow the rules we get spanked - it does sound 'parental.' WE know it's not, but as we write, not knowing who may read this it sometimes feels necessary to state it again.

      I know this was one of Nick's fears early on.

      I appreciate all you've said. It helps to have the support from blogland.

  4. Hey PK,

    Well, yes, it is your responsibility however, having someone help you be accountable is really important. Who else would you ask if not your husband?

    I wish I had anything to help you, but honestly, I can see why you would want to protect yourself against the hurt that can happen with TTWD.

    My opinion is that he should help. If spanking isnt his cup of tea, there are a thousand other things to try. The fact that you asked should be enough for him. Even if it takes some time to wrap his head around. Why would you risk the heartbreak that can happen by telling him if you didnt want it? If it makes you happy, secure, and healthy, why wouldnt he do that for you? Maybe not spanking if that is a hard no, but surely there are other ways he would be comfortable with?

    Sorry if I am unpopular in my opinion but this is a partnership. You do things for him that you might not like but you do it for him because you love him. It makes him happy. This is no different.

    Good luck

    1. I really want his help - right up until I don't want it! I'm hoping you can understand this twisted logic.

      Nick will spank. He enjoys it and still finds it a turn on sexually. That would be fine if there was just a LITTLE more behind it all. I can play if there is some realism somewhere. You are right about it being a partnership. But I know I'm guilty of telling him what I want and need and not really asking him to tell me his wants and needs.

    2. I get the twisted logic (who WANTS a sore ass unless they are a masochist?). You need a deterent to help you do the things you dont want to. That is where TTWD comes into play.

      As for that last line, well you know what to do. If you want TTWD and can list off all the ways it helps, then that is good to know for Nick. BUT he has to be asked his wants and needs. That partnership thing again. He needs to write out his pros and cons as well.

      Sigh. Life is so hard.

  5. First off, I think you’re thinking mostly about TTWD and whether... and a way...to start again. To me that’s the issue. You’re trying to fit it in with what you as a more mature woman could/ would need. This is where many of us are at. You do not need to figure out a way to stay on task. You really do that already. You have a great deal of discipline. So..... allow yourself to be spanked for anything Nick wants it to be. Fun or otherwise. If he won’t...... then don’t go there. Ask for the session at first. I know you've done this a million times but it’s like date night..... at times you need to start again. Life often interferes with all we wish we were doing. If discipline is what you desire the most and Nick can’t do it that way, do it whatever way you get it. Sometimes that’s the way forward.
    Don’t beat yourself up regarding the diet. Just get back on the band wagon one baby step at a time. I agree with Willie regarding intermittent fasting. It’s a great way to help ourselves remain healthy.

    1. Your suggestion should work. But just going along with the spanking fun and games was when my mind would stop participating. It was those spankings that just HURT and didn't help and caused me to call a halt to all this in the first place.

      As for the diet, most of you are telling me the same thing. So I just need to start with those baby steps.

  6. Deena8:45 PM

    This is just a thought - as I consider us a new ttwd couple so I'm not sure I can give advice on the spanking vs no spanking issue.

    I do think that when a person is in a committed and loving relationship and there is a problem, it is a problem for both of them. So, ttwd or not, perhaps together come up with something that works.

    I, like you, have a thin husband who has never had a weight issue. I, however, have struggled for years and years. I have lost a small chunk of pounds on WW but I did also ask my husband for support. Our plan has sort of evolved over time. He has always encouraged me to exercise and to be honest, I was not a fan. But slowly I started and he would be so proud of me. His positive reinforcement became a reward. As time went on he wanted me to text him when I exercise and that alone makes me feel accountable. I have to text him with other info as well so that did sort of tie in with ttwd but it is such a habit to text that it became a habit to exercise. Also, I'm a junk food eater and the one thing I do not eat without "permission" is ice cream (which was my idea) cuz that is often a reward (usually a scoop, sometimes two, but rarely the big ol' sundaes I used to love) plus I have literally zero self control when it comes to ice cream. I have no clue what would happen - if anything - if I did have ice cream without permission cuz for some reason I take this very seriously and it just wouldn't feel right. PLus he rarely denies me a scoop when I ask. Smart guy, my man is :)

    So mostly I take full responsibility for my own health issues but I have total support from him. And if I don't do what I should do, just having him disappointed usually keeps me on the straight and narrow.

    Whatever you decide, it may be worth a conversation. Not necessarily tying it to ttwd, but just to hear if he has any ideas/input.

    It is difficult - the struggle is real, no doubt about it. Just because we know what we need to do, does not make it any easier. And there are ups and downs along the way. So best to you on your journey and I hope you find a comfort level with all of this.

    1. Then you do understand how he helped me so long ago – just keeping me accountable to what we’d agreed on together. It felt comforting, not commanding. That self-control thing, I really need to work on that, in all areas, what to eat, what to avoid and making myself get off my butt and move more. It’s hard for me to do alone.

  7. Phew, well I'm glad you didn't cut me off! As for the Intermittent Fasting, it didn't work for me because i cant handle the psychology of NOT being able to eat. There is too much fear in that. So I tell myself I can eat anytime. I just need to eat till i'm NOT hungry anymore. And if i eat less now, i can eat again when i want to. which means frequency wins over quantity, for me.

    do whatever you need to to find a food / eating schedule that works for you.

    The one problem some of my patients had with IF is that they KNOW they have a fast coming up so they overeat at the last meal of their eating window. for someone with diabetes that could cause a huge sugar spike, and then a subsequent hypoglycemic situation. if you DO want to try IF please seek advice from a dietician, as you already DO have diabetes. It would be helpful for them to look at your numbers and check out your medication / dosage etc, and then tailor a plan for you. PLS do not try to just go on an IF plan without either getting professional advice or doing a ton of research.

    1. LOL, I'm sure not cutting you off. I do fine if I 'can't' eat. Like a 24 hour fast for something medical - no problem. But I do eat to relieve boredom and I would be one to overeat before my window closed.

      I am diabetic but for better or worse there are no 'symptoms' that I can feel and I try to pretend it's not there. I know this will catch up with me eventually.

  8. artlover9:11 PM

    DD can work wonderfully for modifying bad eating habits and instilling good eating habits but you have to keep in mind that it takes time to change bad habits. Set reasonable goals. Get a digital scale and try to lose .2 pounds a week. If you don't you get spanked. And you start out at whatever your weight was at the last weigh in, not what you were supposed to weigh. And don't think that because you were spanked three weeks in a row you need ever more intense spankings each time. Your dd may break before the bad eating habits do. The thing it to be consistent week after week. Expect there to be plenty of weeks where you get punished. You will get there eventually.

    1. It is something we'll have to maneuver carefully - and I know small goals is where we need to begin.

    2. artlover6:12 PM

      We have some experience with this. And in fact have started up again on it in January.

      My wife is fairly "vanilla" but she does submit to two and now three rules, all of which involve her health or the health of our marriage. The healthy eating rule is the hardest to stick with. We have used dd to help with this off and on over the last twenty years.

      We have done it several ways. Keeping track of everything she eats is more work than she is willing to do. So we go with losing small increments of weight weekly (the smallest the scale shows, two tenths of a pound). We pick a reasonable goal and when we reach it we go into maintenance mode. With my wife, if she is hitting her targets, she is necessarily eating in a fairly healthy manner. If she eats unhealthily to any significant extent, it shows up on the scale.

      The tricky part is when the bad habits fight back, and it is hard to maintain the progress. That is when persistence with the dd really helps. If you don't withdraw consent, but stick with it, you eventually will adopt better habits.

      BTW, this has helped me with my own eating habits. I cannot discipline my wife for something I am doing my self. This time around I got my own house in order first, maintained that for a year, and then brought the subject up with her.