NOW he believes me

If I can get down what’s in my head right now it’s my hope that you’ll be as confused as I am by the time you finish reading. I came out to Nick almost fifteen years ago. It turned our lives upside down and for the next few years I was a happy as a woman could be, the honeymoon period, you know.

But as spankings came less and less I was reluctant to keep asking. I wasn’t getting what I needed and I couldn’t seem to make him understand despite going into details on my blog several times a week. It didn’t matter, he’d stopped reading by then anyway.

It was a true roller coaster for a while. I’d feel sad and depressed when he’d stop spanking. Then he’d take another burst at it and my hopes sored. Only to see it stop again and my depression became deeper than before. We continued in this pattern for years.

I finally had to just call a halt to it all. The depressions were getting too low. I opted for an even keel – no anticipation, no highs, no excitement, no nothing. I chose to live with this because there were also no lows to deal with. No sadness, no disappointment, no loss. An even keel. The biggest loss was my lack of sexual desire. All that is firmly entwined in my longing, need, desire for spanking. And not just the physical spanking but the head stuff, the emotions that go with it.

I told Nick I didn’t like spanking anymore – that it just hurt, it’s more like the stubbing your toe pain than the thrill of having the man you love bring you to task. It was no longer fun for me. It didn’t get in my head and arouse me the way it used to. I told him that I just wanted to stop. Nick, being a sweet kind gentle person, stopped.

In a way I almost wanted to laugh. I spent a good ten/twelve years of my life, begging him to spank me. Explaining that I needed it, I wanted it, I longed for it. He told me a few years ago, that he never really believe me. 

He never believed me.

I did everything but stand in the street naked and beg him. 

But when I said once that I don’t want to be spanked anymore –  NOW he believes me.

I’ve ask myself the following question so many times.

Are you willing to try to begin another spanking relationship with Nick? Do you want to try again for one that includes both the fun sexy side as well as a little discipline and accountability.  

One answer: Oh hell yes! It’s all I’ve ever wanted since I was as little girl. A loving relationship with the man I love that includes spanking. We could share ‘looks’ again when we hear vanillas say something that only titillates our minds. We could talk about implement and perveribles again. He could tease me, saying to watch myself – that I deserve a good spanking. Maybe a threatening text or email. I’d get that quick swat or squeeze on the butt when I walked by him. 

I’d feel desirable again, that I was someone worth his notice and the energy it takes to maintain the spanking in a relationship. I’d get my sexual desires back again. I'd feel loved, and cherished, and cared for.  I feel these things most intently when there are a few real spankings in my life. I want to spend the next few decades feeling like my husband loves me enough to keep this lifestyle alive.

 

Another answer : No! Forget it, I’m not going there again. I’m not that big a fool. I’m content. I’m happy with Nick, we get along great. I don’t spend my time being mad or disappointed or wishing things were different. If I want sexual gratification I’ll write it. If your mind isn’t engaged in the whole spanking thing – if it happens once in a blue moon or when Nick wants sex, then spankings just hurt. No joy, no sexual excitement, no fulfillment of fantasy – there is pain and only pain. I don’t need it, I don’t want it. Just leave me in peace in my head and I’ll be fine.

Both these answers are the absolute truth. 

I love my husband so much, but I think I need to lean more to the second answer. In this one area Nick can’t give me what I need. Despite my nearly fifteen years of blogging, explaining, directing, asking, begging and longing he doesn't understand. It’s not from lack of trying, it’s just not in him and I think it’s probably best to leave it as it is.

But I have a little more to say so please come back tomorrow.