I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Letting Go

I need to learn to let go and give up control. I don’t mean this the way you might think. I am really not the controlling type. I don’t try to control Nick or the children. But I can’t just let go. For the first 23 years of our marriage I was very repressed in the bedroom. I just could not ‘let go’. When I think of letting go – screaming with passion my first thought is “How embarrassing!” My second thought is “Where the hell did that first thought come from?” Was this a feeling I picked up in my youth? It couldn’t have been from my mother – she barely acknowledged to me that sex existed (I don’t think she really acknowledged it to herself either.)

Now I am really proud of myself. Beginning early in the marriage on the letting go scale I was maybe a 1 – 1 ½ on a scale of 10. Since I came out and with Nick’s help and encouragement I would say I am now a 7 ½ - 8 easy! But I am selfish; I want a 10 or 11!

I see this in our spanking life too. I want to release more, be more vocal – I rarely make a sound. Of course I never made a sound during natural childbirth either. I remember thinking that if I lost control (of myself) I might never get it back again. Sometime I wish Nick would push my limits. I want to be able to yell ‘stop’ and ‘enough’ and ‘I won’t do it again’ without feeling that he is going to listen right away. I am not sure this is ever going to happen because above all else Nick is a gentleman and a gently man. Remember for him all of this is learned behavior. He has listened to all my wants and needs and has done so much for me. I don’t know if I should even ask for more. But I want my limits pushed!

I know I might be crazy. I mean it is so easy to say this is what I want as I set here comfortably on a lily white tushy and dream of what I think I want to happen. I might truly want to change my tune when he is coming after me with some wicked implement. If it does happen I know some part of me is going to wish I had left it alone while another part is going to be thrilled. And I know I wouldn’t want it this way every time we play. But the want is still there.

It is just that I know the nature of this fine man I married. If I say stop he will. Now I am not talking about using a safe word, any decent spanker would and should stop then. But since I know he will stop when I ask it makes me feel in control. This is the control I want to lose. Spanking is a safe place for me. If I could learn to lose control in that setting maybe I can learn to release control in other areas.

I love it when Nick and I discuss sex and spanking during the day. I love it when he asks me questions in emails or sometimes when we are just snuggling. But I hate questions when we are playing or making love. I know he want to make me happy – he wants to know what I want – but what I want, what turns me on the most is to be told – what he is going to do, what he wants me to do. Not asked, told. For me submission and arousal go hand in hand.

So picture me like someone terribly afraid of heights yet dying to climb a mountain. I have come so very far but not I feel I am stuck somewhere near the top refusing to go back yet terrified to move forward. If any of you know how to help me continue my climb, I’m listening.


  1. I don't really have any advice on how to continue moving forward but I sure identify with what you're saying! I crave that feeling of submission, of knowing that he is absolutely in control. I can't help saying stop sometimes though & he instantly stops even when I'd rather he continued! The men who are doing this in a loving way are basically gentle men who worry they might hurt their partner - this can make it difficult to go as far as we'd like sometimes. Hopefully someone has some helpful advice! I think we'll both get there eventually, hopefully a little sorer than we want to be!

  2. The key here is COMMUNICATE to Nick what you really want. Tell him you want more swats and harder ones. More moaning so he knows you like what he is doing to you. I know I gave Mthc over 400 swats this weekend at one spanking and knowing her it was not enough.

    *hugs and grins*

  3. Robin, thanks for commenting. Just knowing other understand what is going on in my head make me feel more normal. We are motivated and have good men. We will figure this out!


  4. David you are a wild man!! You do keep Mthc happy!

  5. PK, sweetheart, you are nearly there, that last step is always the hardest.
    There are more ways to communicate than words or emails, actions speak louder than words.
    When Nick is spanking you hard raise your butt tell hom with your body that you want it harder.
    My girl always got what she needed, even if it wasn't what she thought she wanted.
    Love and warm hugs,

  6. Anonymous7:29 AM

    PK, I think this is somthing most of us go through. You are ambilvilent, and that makes sense. But there is this feeling deep down that there is something there underneath that you want/need to get to. There is. The only way is to trust Nick enough to tell him very specifically what you need, to ask him please to do this for you, to not stop even when you say "stop". He can learn to judge by many things other than your vocals, when you have truly had enough. Yes, he will feel ambivalent too, not being a spanko. But it is something he can push through too and feel Ok about. It is something you will need to try together, pushing those boundaries, and will make you feel closer than ever.

  7. No, PK, you aren't crazy. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I too would like to be pushed to my limits, and I think it will happen in time. It's hard for me to let go because I'm afraid it will make Ron stop what he's doing!

    I think it's interesting that he asks you what you want, during, although I can see how that would detract from the whole feeling of being submissive. Maybe if you took the initiative before things got going and told him what you were hoping for, he wouldn't need to ask later.

    It's a journey!


  8. Anonymous1:24 PM

    PK- I could just say "ditto" to this entire post. I was pretty sexually repressed also....quiet to the point of "awkward" but since I got up the nerve to ask for dd, I have been pushed to about a 7-8 (on your handy-dandy sexual wild-woman scale) Wow! And we do have lots of loving these days. I too am longing to be pushed up to and beyond my limits dd/spanking-wise. Lets keep talking about this! I love it...especially knowing that I am not the only one with a serious "control me" kink.

  9. Anonymous4:06 PM

    I swear you went inside my head and wrote what I was thinking. how did you do that!!! My hubby is the same always asking are you ok, If I make a sound he stops, And I thought I was the only one ever who was quite during childbirth!! and no drugs!!! LOL


  10. PK-It took a lot of talks with Joe to express my wants and needs. There was definitely a time when I was walking away unsatisfied. I started out by rating the spankings by email. That would give him an idea of how much further he could of gone. From that communication, we developed what we have. He knows that when I say "please stop," I'm near the end of what I can take, but not to stop so that he keeps the control. But that came from constant communication. Have you ever told him that crying during a spanking releases inner stress and that sometimes you need that release?

  11. OH do I EVER Know where you're coming from!!!!! (shocking to hear isn't it!)


  12. Paul,
    You are right as usual. This communication, in all form, is still so hard for me. But I am getting better. It help to have friends like you to keep encouraging me.

    You are right. Every time we talk - really talk, spank, connect we grow closer. We have grown closer in the past two years throught spanking, and all that comes with it, than in the past 20.

    Our husband were raised to be wonderful men. Their instincts tell them to stop when someone asks them to. They are having to relearn what brings pleasure to the ones they love. But they are really trying!

    The most important thing is that we have started! We haven't gotten there yet but we are on our way and here is no turning back!

    It makes me feel so good to know I am not alone. There are so many of us! Each growing up knowing what we wanted but feeling like we were strange and kinky. 'Being controlled' sounds so safe and makes me feel loved.

    But I would like to know how we were conned into natural childbirth!! LOL!

    You seem to have developed a good system that works for you. As for crying, it has never happened, doubt it ever will. But I am opened to the possibilty.

    I know we have talked about this often. I am so glad our men listen to us and really try to give us what we need.

  13. You know the comment about not letting go in the bedroom was me all the way. The thing you said about your mother not giving you the hang up because she never talked about sex was me too. But over the years I came to believe that my mom's lack of talking about sex was really because she is so hung up about it herself. If I pay attention now, I notice how she is pretty hung up about anything sexual (by the small comments she makes occasionally). I think that is part of the learning that we had about sex. It is unspoken therefore, taboo.

    Now that I have le go of the hang ups, look out!

    Take care!

  14. Courage is knowing your fears and attempting to conquer them anyway. It sounds to me as if you are a very courageous lady, PK.


  15. Anonymous6:42 PM

    No matter how many times I explain this my husband (who is a really great guy!), he cannot seem to get it either: don't ask, just do! "I'd rather you make a mistake than ask!", but still he keeps asking during the action - do you want this, this time - arghhhhh! I just want to scream in frustration - if you ask, I don't want any of it. Of course, I can't because he really wants to please me and that's why he keeps making this mistake, but oh, it's so frustrating...

  16. I totally understand where you are coming from. What you will have to do is convince him not to stop until he and he alone feels it is enough. Promise him that you trust him to be the one in control and no matter what you say, he should not stop until HE is finished. Giving up control is hard for all of us control freaks but isn't it interesting how many of us want control taken away under various circumstances.

    I know some people will read this post and be horrified that I would give such advice. But I have been reading your blog for awhile. This man would rather cut off his arm than truly harm you. It is obvious he is trustworthy....so tell him it is literally all in his hands (and whatever toys happen to be around, lol)
    Purple Angel

  17. Jessica,
    I have to imagine that my mothers denial of sexual feelings did effect me whether she meant for it to or not. But now I wonder how I am effecting Mollie without meaning to.

    I hope you are right sometimes I feel like a big chicken.

    What can we do! We are married to such nice men. They want to make us happy, they are really willing to try - but what is so hard about "Please wear me out and don't ask me anything until my bottom is such a bright red it glows in the dark!

    Plese comment anytime and try to get your husband to read some blogs too.

    You are so right he is really the most trustworthy man in the world and he would never hurt me but telling him to stop only when he feel it is enough might leave me with only the mildest of short spanking leaving me more frustrated than ever. Yet I worry when I tell him 'more and harder' that I am topping.

  18. I so identify with everything you expressed...I could have written it myself...I do not have any advice...only keep climbing...someday we will find 10 with our partners... :-)

  19. Anonymous10:20 PM

    PK, everyone here has given great advice and I do understand exactly what you mean. Me and my man played a game recently where the only way that he would stop is when I said my safeword. If I said stop, he would pause long enough to tell me that wasn't the right word and then continue. This was specifically designed to push limits but what it meant was I was able to feel how hard I can take it and try to hold out just that little bit longer. He really mixes it up too so I am not crying 'uncle' in the first five seconds. A good warm up, then moving through implements light to heavy, some light then hard swats, fast and slow, pausing now and again, sometimes making me count sometimes not but never stopping just because I said so. It worked well for us and once the word was said I got a good rub down with Arnica, which was 'sorely' needed by that point. This was spanking play and not DD but it sure was the heaviest spanking I have had to date and definitely pushed some limits for me. Was it fun? Oh yeah! Did it hurt? Oh yeah!