When figging just isn't enough...

When I posted my memory of figging I remembered this old post that still gives me the giggles. I hope you enjoy it.

Alright folk I got this email from a friend and made the mistake of opening it at school.  Sixth graders are not used to their teacher dissolving into helpless giggles but while it was funny on its own I think the thought of sharing this with all of you made it that much funnier.  

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.  He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. The following is an email he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.  Needless to say she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had

a bad day at the office.  I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is this:  we have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.  Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.  This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse.  Within a few seconds my butt stared to burn.  I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.  In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.  Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.  I informed the supervision of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions were unclear do to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.  I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompressions stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut!

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”

Now when you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.