I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Speak up or shut up?

I think this weekend made me realize that if I ever do retire, and get the chance to write, I’m going to have to have two homes. They need to be at least an hour or two apart. I visited my sister for a little Christmas shopping Saturday. I really enjoyed our visit but I also loved the time I spent on the drive there and back. Driving alone in the car is my best mind blogging time.

In the car I can think so clearly! I can write fiction, Cassie talks to me, and I have so many ideas I want to share with Nick. By the time I get home I know exactly what I want to write or how I want to explain myself to Nick. This time I spent most of the time writing a ‘fiction’ story that I guess I need to write just for him. It’s my own fantasy view of what I wish he would do right now to help me with the weight problem before it gets totally and completely out of hand.

But often when I get home and to my keyboard I lose my nerve for what I want to tell Nick. I mean we’ve kinda let the whole spanking thing go except for fun and games. Do I really want to stir things up again? I don’t know. Letting go of it it’s relaxing in a way. There is no pressure on Nick this way – no trying to figure out any discipline. And no pressure on me or my ‘more tender than normal behind’ either! Part of me knows I do want it; I always have. But part of me says let it go because I won’t be driving myself (and Nick) crazy with it.

Now I have to decide, should I write the ‘story’? Do I have the guts to throw it out there again? I guess my two biggest fears are: 1. I’ll ask for what I need and Nick just won’t want to do it, or 2. I’ll ask for what I need and Nick will want to do it. And I’m not sure which of these fears causes me the most concern. Maybe I’ll just take the cowards way out and do nothing.


  1. That's a tough decision. I hope you sort it out and find a place of peace.

  2. Hmmm...only you can decide what's right for you. For me, that letter would keep bouncing around in my head until I sent it. Let it rest a bit, and see how you feel.
    hugs abby

  3. I totally get where you are coming from PK. I hope you sort out what you need to do.


  4. PK, I think Nick knows you well enough to give you what you need, even if sometimes you don't.
    Love and warm hugs,

  5. Definitely write it down PK, might help.


  6. I think you should write it down. Maybe you give it too him...maybe you don't but it's there when the time is right.

    Although, I really think you should just give it too him. What do you have to lose? You said you already gave it up, so if he doesn't follow through you'll be right back where you started.

    Maybe make a pro con list....I do that when I have a hard decision to make.

    Either way, write it down...could be good FF story someday!


  7. Anonymous9:34 PM

    Just wondering, have you ever thought about seeing a 'disciplinarian,' or discussed it with Nick?

    It sounds like Nick just isn't the disciplinarian type, but some guys are, and many of the good ones discipline quite a few women with no sexual anything involved.

    Not everyone's husband would even consider it, but Nick already knows what you want/need. Having a separate person for discipline might give you the motivation you're looking for and free both you and Nick to enjoy all the things you are on exactly the same page about.

  8. Thanks B’Man,
    I know we will find peace but I still don’t know what the decision will be.

    I think I will have to write it. If Nick’s not interested then I’ll just have to enjoy the fantasy.

    I know you understand my problem. It will sort out somehow.

    I hope so Paul because I really don’t know what I need. I do trust him but I’ll probably write my version anyway. Who knows we may come up with the same thing.

    You’re right. Once it gets in my head it has to eventually come out.

    It’s in my head as a FF so someday it might be posted there. I wish I knew if Nick still reads here. But I don’t think I’m going to ask. He has a window into his wife’s mind he can use it or not.

    I know I really don’t have anything to lose.

    I know many people do use a disciplinarian when their husband just isn’t into it but I know it would make Nick very uncomfortable and probably me too. It’s a good plan for some I don’t think I’d ever go there. Either Nick will decide to do a little discipline or I’ll do without. But that’s okay, he’s worth it.