I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, September 07, 2008

Who is this?

I just wanted to say hey. I am still not feeling like myself. I don’t know what I am feeling. I think am mostly feeling confused and I know I am confusing Nick. I don’t know if it is hormonal, physical or emotional or some combination. I feel mad a lot of the time when I have to deal with other people. Not the family so much and not my students but I walked out of a teacher’s meeting at work the other day to keep from yelling at them to stop talking before they drove me bat shit!!

Usually I know what I want or what I think I want. I am usually pretty good at putting things into words – at least through email or posting. But I am not doing so well at the moment. I am going to keep writing. Sometimes when I just start writing and I find things inside me I didn’t know were there. If it’s any good I’ll post it.


  1. Anonymous1:24 AM

    I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time right now. I hope you know that your friends out here in cyberspace care about you. I for one love and adore you. If there is anything I can do for you please do not hesitate to let me know (you know how to reach me). You need to know that we are here for you. I am sending you a big Italian hug.
    I Gal

  2. PK,
    Hang on in there. I know it's horrible when you're in a bad place and you don't even know why. Big virtual hugs are being sent your way from across the pond.

  3. I think it's in the water your drinking thats it. Nothing but diet prpsi for you. Big hugs to you.

  4. Anonymous5:57 AM

    PK, Hugs and thinking of you. Sorry things are so difficult for you right now.


  5. So sorry to hear that you're in a funk. It's especially hard when you don't know why. But please don't suffer alone, that's never good. Things tend to build up way out of proportion in your mind when you do that. Keep talking!! To Nick, and to your cyberfriends. You listened and commiserated when I went through the same thing recently...remember? It really helped. Email anytime...

  6. PK, that's bad, but it will pass, don't try and handle it alone, it's these moments when the D D comes into it's own, keep talking to Nick.
    Write if you need to.
    Love and warm hugs,

  7. Anonymous11:14 AM

    Hey PK, Hang in there. You and Nick can figure this out a lot better together than you can by yourself...I'm sure of that. I have some really random down times and I know it's hard to remember that there were ever any good times when you're down in that hole. Give yourself permission to feel crappy without having to analyze and figure out why because that sometimes just leads to more upset. We can spend too much time rattling around in our heads, sometimes. Just feel bad for a while and then come back out and play when you feel like you can.

  8. PK, sorry to hear you're feeling down. I'm with Marie, though. Not knowing why I feel down sometimes makes me feel irrational and confused and it all just builds. It's much better, for me anyway, to think of those times as just one of those things and let it go. It's easier said than done, but after going through it a few times, the down times are much shorter and less bothersome. Hope you feel better soon.

  9. PK,

    A great big hug for you! Just cuz you need one! :)

    Debbie :)

  10. Hormones dear girl...After reading all these comments you know that you are pretty special in blogland..Big hugs..

  11. I thank every one of you who came by to leave a comment. I was feeling better most of today with a terrible crash and a heavy bout of depression in the late afternoon. Now I am feeling pretty good again. This does make me think it is more hormonal. I am having some blood test done tomorrow so maybe I can find out what is going on.

    Thanks again,

  12. Hormones could be a big part of it. Another part?

    Post summer blues.

    You just had one of the best summers of your life! (I mean, you met me...so that right there makes it spectacular.) You had a HUGE amount of time with Nick, doing things you haven't done. You've braved a foreign country to meet me and Ceeci. You've spent a crazy amount of time with your beloved twin. You've had more sexual highs than I've probably had in my entire life.

    Now, school is back. Work is stressful. Not as much time with Nick. Missing me something fierce. Ok, probably missing your twin and Ceeci too, although I know you probably miss me the most.

    Anyway, get my point? Transition is hard sometimes. You'll get back into the swing of things...or possibly NICK will get back into the swing of things.

    Love you lots! I hope you're ok. Wish I was there to cheer you up.


  13. Thinking of you... :-)