I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Don't read this.

You have had your warning. Men, if you continue reading you will feel like the poor guy in Oprah’s audience the day they were talking about Va-jjs, cellulite and douching. And as for the ladies out here, unless you enjoy watching the coming attractions of horror films I would just pass this one on by. You have been warned, proceed at you own risk.

As you saw in my last post I am not in the best of moods at the moment. I am stressed, annoyed, depressed, fatigued, drained, apathetic, lethargic, and confused. Wish I knew something that would cure all this! Oh wait, I do! I wish Nick knew something that could cure all this and if he did know I wish we could have some privacy to see if it would worked.

Meanwhile to add to my over all well being I had to go to my OB-gyn for a biopsy on my uterine lining (I told the men to read somewhere else!). Nick came with me and as he patiently sat reading articles on stretch marks and breast feeding I got to have someone stab me with a sharp stick and pinch the hell out of my internal organs.

After that really fun stuff was over she began telling me of what I could look forward to in the future. It seems that in addition to the outward signs of aging – mainly the gray hair, wrinkles and watching our boobs gradually slide off our chest on their way to our knees, the rest of our internal organs try to fall out our vaginas. Well not all of them, just our cervix, uterus, bladder and bowels.

Have I cheered anyone up yet?

Okay it wasn’t all bad. All this aging does come with some minor perks. I not longer worry about embarrassment and I can say and ask anything I want. I was working with PA, a young black women, who for some reason thinks I am funny and seemed to enjoy talking to me. She was explaining some of these problems and saying she wanted the doctor to come look at one thing. I had told her that our sex life had improved recently and so this time I told her that we had recently begun trying anal sex and I wanted to know it that could cause any of the problems she was having the doctor check me for. She said not at all and good for us for trying new things! LOL! Yep we’ll try just about anything now days.

The doctor came in and we talked for a while. She asked me if I was alright from all the stabbing and probing. I told her I was fine and she said she was going to do an internal exam and would it be alright if the PA could watch. Sure why not, do I get part of the ticket sales?? It turned into a regular teaching session!

“Now look at this”. “Measure from here.” “Push down now like you are trying to have a baby.” “There, did you see that …” “The cervix looks great.” “See there is some prolapse but that is expected at this age.”

They kept at it until I started laughing. I mean for pity sake, I am half naked, feet in stirrups, I’ve been poked with a sharp stick, told I am so old my insides are trying to fall out and told to ‘push down’ numerous times. By this time I need to pee and ‘pushing down’ no longer seemed like such a great idea. The doctor started apologizing for the teaching session. I was still laughing a little – I knew I was going to have to tell you all about this visit. I told them “No problem, I’m a teacher at heart!”

But finally I got to sit up. They told me the results would be in next week and I was free to go. I headed to the waiting room to collect Nick and he asked me how it went. I just kinda rolled my eyes and he asked “So on the whole you would rather have been hit with a board?” SEE!! I knew he would come up with the right answer eventually!!


  1. Anonymous10:09 PM




    Have spew warnings gone by the wayside???


    this post IS supposed to be funny, yes?

  2. Been there..done that too..I bet David skips this post!!.I know how you feel..at least your dr. has a sense of humor..and an audience as well.

  3. Seriously? You should have peed on them....LOL

    Sorry for the poking and prodding. Even more sorry your insides are falling out.

    I'm sure Nick would be happy to bag up your insides and carry them around for you. You could make a cute bag for them.

    Oh NICK??? Wheres the board? Have you used it yet? How big a hint do you need? I could come by and smack you on the butt...Would that be a big enough hint?

    HUGS, HUGS and more HUGS!

  4. If it's from the Queen I don't skip it.

    Big hugs!!!!

  5. Eva,
    It was a choice between laughing and crying. I usually pick laughing, but it would be funnier if it wasn't all true!

    It one of those fun doctor visit that most of us have sometime.

    If I have to have a bag I want one from Rodeo Drive! Nothing but the best!!

    Won't matter if Nick gets the hint or not. It seems Mollie is never planning to leave the house again.

    Bless your heart, you are a brave man!

  6. PK, Mel used to love describing this examination, as a doctor she could be a little sadistic.
    Mind you she was bratting to get spanked, but I'm a real sadist, so I didn't, at least not then.
    Love and warm hugs,

  7. Only you could have me ROFL over a gyno exam! Wasn't the biopsy just tons of fun? I love it when the Dr. says "This might hurt a little.." Let's see, you're about to reach inside and yank out a piece of my insides! And you say it MIGHT hurt a little - ya think?! Jeez!
    Oh well, hope everything turns out OK keep us "posted".

  8. I've a biopsy done twice. Good thing I'm a masochist - they hurt!

    Both times I had a cute young male med student watching (it was done at a teaching hospital) and each time the ob-gyn told him to give me a "gentle" bi-manual exam afterward. I think they were kind of scared they'd hurt me more.

    And men think they're so abused having just a finger up the you-know-where!


  9. Try starting all of the female falling apart crap at 40. Aren't I supposed to get another 10 years? Noooo. I just started having the best sex of my life and now I couldn't be dryer or itchier or bitchier, not to mention unpredictable visits from mother nature. Oh yes and biopsies to complete the fun!

    Woo hoo. TMI perhaps? Sorry!

  10. Honey,
    This is so accurate I don't know whether to laugh or cry! Bless your heart, you are young - just wait!


  11. Paul,
    Shame on you! If Mel went to the trouble to brat you should have given her what she wanted!

    I lost all faith in doctors predicting pain when they called labor 'some discomfort' yeah, right!

    Yeah I have to laugh when men get so squeamish about that one little test. If they only knew what all we were put through in our life time of tests.

    I have gone through menopause and for me personally it was a breeze. At least so far. Have you talked to your doctor about some help? They really might be able to help.

    This doesn’t exactly make me feel better!!

  12. Add me to the "been there and done that" brigade. I went through years and years of female ickiness, until I finally ran out of options and had a complete hysterectomy -- two and a half years ago. THAT has been a whole other journey, and not one that I would recommend, but this getting old thing seems to be the only choice.

    I hope, aside from the humor, you can find some things in this passage that are "good."


  13. TOO FUNNY account! Doesn't sound like a great time though! Did you give Nick every detail too? I'm sure he appreciated it! Bummer on the down time, I'm sure Nick will take care of you as soon as he can :-) Until then, big warm hugs from PS and I and the 4 little nibblets!