I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Wondering again...

I have been wondering again. Don’t panic Nick, I’m just curious. When I came out to Nick about spanking I knew it was time to let him know that he was married to a spanko. I really had no idea exactly were it would lead. What form it might take. I am thrilled by what has happened to us. Instead of being pleasant roommates we are truly lovers. I have gone from avoiding sex, avoiding touching, avoiding talking about anything important, I guess really avoiding Nick… to loving sex, loving touch, loving talking to him, just loving him!!

I am so lucky that Nick is willing to spank; I know many vanillas are not even willing to try. But not Nick!! He is an enthusiastic spanker! He swats in the kitchen. He makes wonderful spanking toys for us. My spankings are fun and sexy and playful. Foreplay at its very best! I am very satisfied with the way my life is going!

Is there anymore? Could it be any better? Is there something else I long for? Well if you have been reading her long you have to know that I have a real interest in discipline. I don’t worry about it any more, but yeah it’s still in my mind. For some couples it seems to come so naturally, Cassie and Tom, Dave and Cindy, Reesa and D to name a few. It seems to be natural. What I keep asking myself is why do I long for this? I think this goes way back. Maybe it was at the age of 4, maybe 9, maybe even 15 but somewhere in my spanko thoughts from early on I equated discipline/punishment with caring. In the fantasies that I’ve had for decades punishment proved someone was cherished and cared for.

Now this is not a whining post or even one where I want something. I do not have one doubt in my mind that Nick loves me, cares for me and cherishes me. I have no complaints at all. I just wonder why I still have the fascination when I am getting the wonderful spankings I have always wanted. (Well, not as many as I want.) I still wonder if Nick would ever really use spanking as discipline. If I really made him mad I don’t thing so. Even thought we have always gotten along well I know when Nick is pissed with me. When he is, it usually makes me mad but would I ever say anything. The most I would ever do is to give him the finger or a muttered “Kiss my ass” as he left the room. And all would blow over by the next day.

I have always been one to avoid trouble. When I was as a kid and now at work and at home I have always tried to avoid trouble. If I were to choose to hide something from Nick you can be sure he would NEVER find out. I am not perfect but I know how to stay out of trouble. But is that what I want? I know I am curious to know if I really made him mad would spanking even occur to him. I just don’t see it. Is he really a converted spanko? Or is he just a very accommodating vanilla?

I wonder what would happen if I just said “Screw the diet; I am tired of trying, tired of exercising, I want to eat anything I want. Let’s call the whole thing off.” At this time I have no intentions of finding out what would happen. I am not ready to stop trying. But would he hold me to it. Would he say “Well okay, you started all this, if you’re through fine”. Or would he say “No this is a health issue and you are doing it whether you like it or not.” And would he actually back it up with a spanking if I was saying no? I wonder. I am not worried about it; I am not agonizing about it. I just wonder. And there may be more post on this subject because I keep wondering.


  1. I wonder what Will would do if I muttered kiss my ass as he was leaving the room. I think I have a pretty good idea, but I wonder. I am going to call him right now and find out.


  2. The very same thing has been going on in my mind for a very long time. I wonder - mainly for myself - is there an insecurity there? I don't consider myself an insecure person, but I wonder if that is behind those thoughts?

    Just some thoughts :)


  3. Well PK, if Mel had said kiss my ass, her ass would have felt the kiss of my strap, she would badly need a attitude adjustment.
    Speak to Nick about it, talk about a D D arrangement perhaps a weeks trial to see if you both like it.
    Communicate even more dear friend, you'd be surprised.
    Warm hugs,

  4. Well what did Will have to say about the matter? Now remember I didn't say he could hear me what I said that! Not so much because I think he would do anything about it but because it would be rude!

    I'm like you. I don't see myself as insecure yet there is something. I wish I understand what it was.

    I doubt Mel ever even thought such a thing. Nick knows how I feel, he reads the blog too. But really even if it was all his idea with Mollie here it would be difficult. We have time to explore in the future, I'm not going anywhere.


  5. PK, Cindy certainly could get away with "kiss my ass" ... if it was said with a smile and a kiss in a playful manner!

    One thing that you and Maggie might be seeking, realizing it or not, is the cleansing of guilt. I think that's a very big part of discipline/punishment spankings.

    I'm sure you've read many times on our blog and others, about the spankee crossing a threshold into limp submission. In the beginning of Cindy's last truly punishment spanking she was very uncooperative, fighting it, had a 'tone' in her answers to my questions about her behavior.

    It was very obvious she did NOT want that spanking. But as it went on she got to a place where she went ... calm. Her breathing returned to normal, she plain and simply, 'accepted' that she was getting what she deserved.

    In our particular case Cindy almost never says she was 'sorry' until after reaching this point. Especially if she truly believed beforehand that she didn't deserve it.

    It's just a thought, but maybe that's one thing you and Maggie are looking for? Being held accountable, and enduring the consequences of your actions?

    Of course there's enormous love behind it. And I think Paul might agree it takes TREMENDOUS resolve to be strict and follow through on what's needed when the one you love is sobbing uncontrollably.

    Paul is right, you need to talk with Nick a LOT! Feel your way slowly. Sometimes, real tears for the first time can really mess up a spanker. Cindy was very afraid to cry with me for the first time. Afraid I'd STOP! Afraid I'd be scared I'd harmed her or something. It takes trust and communication.

    Sorry so long winded, I just hope it helps.


  6. Hi PK, first, I think that as a spankee, your thoughts are very normal. I think you've handled things very well with Nick so far. In that spanking came first ... not discipline. Paul and Dave are right, it's something you need to really talk with him about ... maybe several times. Once it's in his head, then his own thoughts will take him places that you can't ... and he'll have to work it out inside him. Most important, he'll need to know, and be able to trust that discipline might be exactly what you want. With my ex-husband, we once sat down and discussed things that we could use within discipline. Simple things ... like neglecting the checkbook ... things like that.
    Above all, listen to your heart. Know that it's not insecurity, but needs and desires inside you. If you stay in touch with them, and can at least write about it here ... express them, then even if you and Nick never share that, it's not a part of you that you're ignoring or pushing away. I wish I knew 'the' answer ... but I think you are approaching it right so far.

  7. Dave,
    Long winded? Never! I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

    I get confused about what I want myself sometimes! I understand about Cindy being afraid to cry at first. We are still fairly new, at least new enough to fear that he might stop if my reaction is not what he was expecting.

    Communication! I just wish it was easier!

  8. Cindy,
    Lots of people warned me about trying to top from the bottom when I first began blogging. I know I do that sometimes because this has all been in my head 45 years and in his a few months.

    I sometimes felt like I was saying I want you to be in charge and this is exactly how I want you to do it!

    He is great to do a lot of reading out here. He knows that I am more than willing to explore this if he is interested. If not, that's okay too. I love him so much. Whatever we do will have to feel right for both of us.

    But I will be discussing it out here!


  9. Hiya PK<

    Sometimes discussing without pressure to make decisions or changes is the very best that we can do... for each other. That's the truest form of compromise and connection, I think. I see and hear your points of wonder, but I have a counter-thought.

    If you were to let your diet slip (for example), Nick may very well just let you do it... as you said, it was your choice in the first place. But that doesn't mean he loves you any less (as you already know). Rather, it means that if you are doing it primarily to test HIM or his resolve, you're testing the wrong person and you are also manipulating him into doing what YOU want. In his mind, I would think, would come the following thought:
    Why should I reward her for not following up on something she intiated, something she wants, and something that she knows is good for her.

    On the other hand, disciplne for "simpler" more harmless things such as not doing the laundry once a week or leaving dirty dishes in the sink or not locking the door at night, well, those kinds of things can be "dealt with" through disciplinary spankings that are MORE fun for Nick and MORE truly beneficial for you. Plus, those can be dealt with quickly... a few really hard swats with no warmup before bed of in the bathroom or the closet if Mollie is home and its over.

    Just my two-cents (or ten-cents, considering the length... making up for lost time, I guess).

    Love you,

  10. Elis, Thanks for posting this!

    Cindy, Dave and Tiggr, Thanks to y'all too. There is tons in here to think about now.


  11. Tiggr,
    I like your comment I will be sure that Nick reads it. Thanks

    If we got spanked as much as we thought about it I guess we would be standing for life!

  12. PK, Tiggs has a good point. Start the discipline spankings for little stuff. stuff that isn't REAL important.

    This gives Nick a chance to practice scolding and punishing when neither of you really has a vested interest.

    Let him learn slowly through issues that are not truly confrontational. For instance, Cindy got a quick discipline spanking as I dried my hands on her panties. She'd forgotten to replace the towel in the bathroom when she did laundry.

    Did it REALLY matter? No. But I turning in circles in the bathroom, trying to dry my hands after washing them, and not a towel to be found.

    Excellent advice Tiggs!