I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Where to begin?

This is a special post for me and I am hoping that someone out here can help me. I have a really good friend here in my real life. She taught me how to be a teacher, and how to be a mother. I sometimes wonder how I would have survived Mollie in her younger day with out my friend. She would often tell me to pick my battles – Mollie had to wear shoes to school, she did have to go with combed hair! With her help I think I gradually became a reasonably good mother.

She is the ultimate mother. She mothered her children, she mothers her 3, soon to be 4, grandchildren, she mothers me, she mothered her co-workers and she mothered every student she ever came in contact with.

We have had a million conversations and I really don’t think that there are many topic we haven’t covered, aging parents, gay right, education reform, murdering husbands, forgiving husbands, car repairs, interracial dating, fashion, abortion, adoptions, drugs, wedding planning, good restaurants, weight, health – can you say everything! I really didn’t think that there was one thing I did not know about her. There was.

She took me out to eat for my birthday a couple of months ago and told me that there was something I didn’t know about her that she wanted to tell me. What she told me was a total surprise. She told me that when she was in college she got pregnant. As soon as she said it I wanted her to stop. Knowing everything I know about her I did not want to hear it. I could not hear how this wonderful, loving mother had been forced through circumstance to face an abortion.

But I just sat quietly as she continued. I was even more surprised by what came next. She did not have an abortion; she has another child, a daughter.

Abortion was not legal at that time. She went to a home for unwed mothers and the child was given up for adoption. This was not my friend’s choice, she felt she had no choice, and it was just done.

What now? My friend would like to know if this daughter is all right. She would like to give her a chance to meet her birth mother if that is what her daughter wants. She would like to give her family history. She wants to give her information and friendship, she does not want to intrude on anyone’s life. But she is looking for a starting place. I told her I would ask you guys. Bless her heart she can’t even manage to do email on her own so I said I would help her get started. She doesn’t have a great deal of information but we need some web sites where adoptive parents and child can be united. I would love to help her get started on this and I will keep you informed if anything comes of it.


  1. I think the first step is getting in touch with the agency that handled the adoption. They will probably tell her that they can't open records for her, but it is possible that her has already started doing the same thing.

    She can look at http://reunion-registries.adoption.com/ and http://www.adoptions.com/ as resources for possible methods of a reunion as well.

  2. I can't help you out, but I want to say how wonderful it is for you to help out your friend!

    I always knew you were a good friend and now I know you're a GREAT friend!


  3. I have a friend who is adopted. You can tell your friend that my friend has been in no way traumatized and has had a fantastic life. I think people assume that an adopted person has feelings of abandonment or anger at the birth mother etc. I can tel you that my friend has no negative feelings about her birth mother. She would not mind meeting her birth mother and has put her name in on some type of website, but she doesn't have a need to fulfill or feel as though something is missing in her life. As a result she hasn't spent a lot of time thinking about trying to find her birth mom. This is not to say that she would be anything but welcoming to meet her birth mother, but she really feels like a complete and loved person as she is.

  4. Anonymous3:17 AM

    I agree with Marcus, start at the adoption agency and being an adopted child what Jess says is true for me too. I have had a wonderful life and have never needed for anything. In New Zealand some records are sealed so your friend might come up against something similar but it doesn't hurt to try.

    All the best for her.


  5. PK, this is so good of you.
    I can't help your friend, I wish that I could.
    But I will tell you something, I would have given my right arm to be adopted.
    Your friend seems like a wonderful person, I wish her every success.
    Love and warm hugs,

  6. I wish I had some helpful information to share. I think you are a wonderful friend and it sounds like you have both been there for each other. I am sure it must have been very emotional for your friend. I wish your friend the best in finding what she is seeking. Best wishes, Terpsichore

  7. Anonymous9:49 AM

    Lordy, PK! My best friend in all the world - told me this exact thing - nearly 11 years ago. I'll shoot you an email!! Best! Lilly

  8. Anonymous4:01 PM

    My mom was in the same situation before she had me. I have a half-brother out there somewhere and she has tried to find him but has had no luck so far. Maybe one day I'll be able to meet him.
    Good luck with your friend.
    padme amidala

  9. Marcus,
    Thanks, this is exactly what I was looking for. I will sent her both links and see what happens.

    I have been unbelievably lucky in the friends department, here and in real life. I am very lucky!

    Thanks Jess,
    I think this it the type of scenario my friend would want to find.

    I can't wait to share all these comments with my friend. Whether we find her daughter or not I think this will make her feel better.

    You have surely been adopted now! I can't imagine anyone with more sibling than you have! And we are so lucky to have you!

    She is a very special woman and I want to help her if I possibly can. She is a hoot. I would almost invite her to read here - but I haven't told her yet.

    I will share your email with my friend. Thanks.

    I hope you will one day meet him. Even if he doesn't feel like a brother it would be great to at least meet.

  10. You are a dear friend indeed. I don't know of any such website, but you can google anything. I am certain you can find a gazillion easily.

    Michael found his dad online..it wasn't such a happy ending. I am going to say a special prayer that your friend's search has a happy ending.