I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

Let's talk ...or not.

I had a very nice email from Theresa tonight that said basically ‘So post already!” She knew I had had my lap top with me on vacation but with Mollie over my shoulder every time I touched it no actual blogging was going on. I do know why I blog, I just like contact. I post so you will talk to me and this is the kind of talking I can handle. When I don’t get something up every few day I miss you guys. I miss the comments. Good, bad or indifferent I just like the contact. But as for this post, sorry Theresa you asked for it.

I needed to write Friday night. Friday evening and Saturday morning were a bit rough. I was torn all to pieces Friday night. It is not unusual for me to mind blog as I am going to sleep. In fact it’s been the norm for over 40 years. But Friday night it was so disjointed and fragmented. Thoughts, ideas, concerns, worries, depression, chaos… all zipping around my mind like the little ball in a pinball machine. A line from an old Simon and Garfunkel song kept running through my mind

I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why…

So I was a real mess. I am not good at being a mess. It’s not normal for me and I have absolute no idea how to handle it or deal with it. I was teary, my chest hurt. But of course no one but me knew about it. Not Nick, not Mollie and strange enough these days not Eva either. Why not? Part of that is easy to answer; it was none of Mollie’s business. And Nick, you want to know why I didn’t tell Nick? There is a short answer and a long one. The short answer is ‘I don’t know’. The longer answer is a post that I have worked on occasionally for the past few months. Who know I may even post it one day.

As for Eva, bless her heart, if she has lived next door she might have gotten the whirlwind of confusion and emotional instability tossed at her, I don’t know. But I do know I couldn’t type it all.

I am mostly back to normal now. But it does hit in occasionally waves which in small amounts I can suppress quite nicely. I know I know… I am sure it is all hormonal. What else could it be when you're 50. Let’s just leave it at that.


  1. Anonymous5:12 AM

    Yes, I'm sure that it's hormones. Doesn't make it any less real though, does it?

    Love you much~
    The twin

  2. I'm with Eva. While reasurring to know it is hormones, and not that we are crazy. It still feels crummy!

    Glad you're better

  3. Anonymous8:29 AM

    Being 50, I certainly understand all of the swings with the emotions. Its real to you and no one can negate those feelings.

    Warm thoughts are with you, Elis.

    Debbie :)

  4. Dear PK we miss you as well. My Mel had hormonal problems after her hysterectomy, it was hard on her, however lots of love and cuddles and plenty of good girls seemed to help.
    A couple of hundred years ago and longer they knew nothing of hormones and the problems they could cause, the Mental Asylums were full of these poor women.
    Hope that this makes you feel so much better.
    Love you PK.
    Warm hugs,

  5. Sorry you were having such a rough go at it.

    I hope the weekend helped you to feel better.

    Love ya,

  6. I do hope you're better now. That 'crazy' feeling is all too real.

    The part about contact .. that's real too. :)

    ~Hugs, hope your week is a good one!

  7. Oh PK! I hate it when there are times like that. Wake Nick up and tell him. He may not know what to do, but at least he'll hug and hold you through it. If you can, reach out to someone to help. I know what that can be like. It is an awful feeling. I hope it doesn't happen often to you. If it starts to, let me know I'll tell you what I did....


  8. Guys I know hormones are a real bitch. I just haven't had any problems before. When it's going on you just think things in your life are against you. This is all very new to me!

    Maggie the contacts are the key!

    I almost did wake Nick. I could have, it was Friday and we had no early plans for the next day. But I have never done such a think and I just couldn't!

  9. Don't know how I missed this post until now, but a ever so glad to find it today of all days...

    I'm right there with you, sweetie, especially lately... but mine is lasting longer and not going away, maybe only worsening.

    Hormones? Most definitely, but so much more besides, and yes indeed not only does the contact help but so does hearing that someone else is struggling.

    I couldn't tell Dante either, so I understand all too well... now just might have to email Carye to see what worked for her. Cause right now, nothing seems to and in light of yesterday's tragedy, the darkness feels a bit like it's closing in.

    Love you lots... THANK YOU for sharing this!

  10. Ouch. Hope you get through it ok

  11. Tig,
    It does help to know we are not alone. I too think it is more than hormones. The feelings are real the hormones may just bring it to the surface quicker.

    I'll do fine. But it does help to know people care.