I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

I promise I'm not crazy!

Eva described mind blogging the other day. I am sure it is something that we all do without even thinking about it, but I know that I hold the gold medal. I know I’ve been doing it the longest. I have a first memory of mind blogging at age 11 (Yea, I know this pre-dates computers, but it’s the same idea). It wasn’t just daydreaming. I created a story, an alternate life. I added to it, refined it and polished it all through my teens and early 20. I don’t know why I started it, I had a great childhood, but the idea of spanking was not in my real life and I craved it. This was the only way. Unfortunately it was also a trap.

You don’t need to get the rubber room ready for me yet. Actually mind blogging, as I do it now, is the healthiest thing I have done in 30 years. I use it now to enhance my real life, to enrich my life with Nick and connect with other people. The way I used it before was unhealthy but I couldn’t stop. Talk about being a control freak, I created an entire world where I controlled every aspect. What happened, what was worn, what was said – everything was exactly the way I wanted it. If I was bored, scared, worried, uncomfortable, whatever – I just slipped over. Why deal with reality when perfection is just a thought away!

Unfortunately I gave her all my good traits and didn’t keep what I needed for myself. She was the one with the fire and passion, the fighter, the talent, everything. I just thought it. I only told two other people about this; a counselor I saw for a while and a close friend. Both told me it was bad for me and tried to get me to stop. My friend coined the term mind fucking (I refined it to the more accurate mind blogging now). But sometimes we would be together and she would yell “Damn it, you’re mind fucking again, come back to reality!” Excellent advice, but nearly impossible to take. Any addiction is hard to give up – but one that lives in my head. How was I supposed to keep away from it?

I don’t mean that I didn’t live my life. I did! I married, had kids, friend, a career but always, always I spent time ‘over there’. Not very fair to Nick; how to compete with the perfect scenario when he didn’t even know it existed!! And since I was going over so often there was no reason to work on reality; the other ‘reality’ was already there and handy.

If I didn’t have a handle on this now believe me I would never be saying a word here or anywhere else. Much of why I am writing this is to point out the power of blogging. Every month of my life since the age of 12, I spent time ‘there’, often weekly or daily. That’s over 35 years. I started reading blogs in May, commenting in June and had my own blog in July. I haven’t been ‘over there’ since I got the nerve to leave my first comment. That’s 4 months!! I have no desire to go, I like it here better. I am using the time and energy I wasted there to make real life better. I am taking back what I gave to her – the passion first, maybe even some of the bratty way someday! Poor ol’ Nick may really have his hands full if we totally merge!

We talk about real life and the blogging world as if they are different things. Blogging has given me back my real life. Thanks folks, I’m really enjoying it!!


  1. I may be a little lost, but then I started my day at Eva's blog and that puzzle. I have done the same thing you did your whole life! Where the heck you think Mayye came from? I just did not give her a name until a few years ago.

    When I was 6 it was the principal.When I was 8 it was the bag boy at the Winn Diixe. When I was 9 it was my babysitter's boyfriend. At 10 it was Danny Osmond (I know I know). In my early 30's it was Michael's karate teacher. I used to go there while I was in the arms of Michael's dad. So you aren't alone.
    But you are right, we were cheating ourselves. I can get Danny and Mayye out on here. And I can tell Will anything. He is slowly reading my stories. Hopefully, I am better also. If not know I know what to work on!

    Good insight!

  2. I think we all do this to a certain extent. Maybe not on such a grand scheme as you did, but I think we all do it.

    When I was trying to figure out what I needed, when I was trying to understand that I really liked spanking. I wasn't brave enough to tell anyone, so I would make it all up in my mind. I wasn't doing all the time, but I would do it a lot.

    The problem that a lot of us face is that we do that. So when we finally get the courage to ask for it in real life, it doesn't live up to our "perfect" spanking, in our head. Thats what happened to me, so it took awhile before I figured out that my real life spankings were not going to go exactly the way my fantasy spanking went in my head.

    Very interesting topic! You made me think today.


  3. Good point Grace!!!

    Elis I had to stop back by and warn you. For some reason Cassie is commenting on sites and signing your name. I couldn't help but laugh....but then I thougt maybe someone needs to tell Elis. I know how much she values a responsible tattletail!


  4. Elis, great post, as Grace says we've all done it.
    I can't remember when it started, at fifteen I was filling exercise books with my adventures, with me in the starring role and any woman or women that took my fancy in the supporting role, some of my imaginary adventures were pretty lurid, very hormone driven I should think.
    When Mel appeared over the horizon, my imaginary adventures stopped and the real one began.
    So dear Elis you are as crazy as the rest of us, welcome to the club.
    Love you babe.
    Warm hugs,

  5. Anonymous4:55 PM

    Our 'round table' this week makes mention of the entertainment value of sexuality. Not just the actual sex act, and not hugs and touching either... but also the time we allow our minds to wonder to a fun and sexy place where we always get exactly what we want. It's something most of us do, and probably spend more time at it than we'd ever guess.

    Now, sounds like you got/get a lot more detailed about it! But, that's just because you're creative... and ~can~ do it. Lot of people would do the same, if they could get their mind to work through scenarios that complex.

    ~Todd & Suzy

  6. Elis,
    Blogging realLY is awesome, isn't it ! I'm glad you've found a place to go/be that is such a good outlet !

    How nice that now life is even better !

    Congratulations on having the courage to create something that is working so well !

    Anne Elizabeth

  7. I have had the same difficulty, with the OTHER place. It was everything I wanted and needed. Everyone was my friend, emotions were enjoyable. Then, as you said, I found blogging. I don't go there any more. I don't need it. Congrats on your release. Doesn't it feel good to replace the imitation with the real thing? D :}

  8. "Blogging has given me back my real life. Thanks folks, I’m really enjoying it!!"

    Bravo, Elis... let's all give her a standing ovation for summing it all up so beautifully... blogging is for many of us, an extension of ourselves as we want to be, and a path to follow toward a specific end result... beautiful post, my friend!!

    Big hugs and love,

  9. Elis, what an interesting post. It's really made me step back and look at myself over the years. I think we all need that from time to time.

  10. I've been doing the same for as long as I can remember, Elis. Grand stories flit through my head, I have the perfect sentences and answers, then when it comes paper time, they vanish!

    There's nothing wrong with the internal dialogue. It's healthy, it's creative, it's relaxing. Mind fucking, that seems kind of harsh. How can listening to the music of your inner voice be bad? I'm glad you do and that you've found a way to share your internal journies with the rest of us fellow travelers.

    **Big Hugs**
    ♥ CeeCi

  11. Sorry for the delay folks, day to day stuff keeps getting in my way.

    I could tell that Danny and Mayye had been with you for quite a while. I am glad that we got to know them.

    That's a real problem, real life not being what you have held in your mind for sooooo long. My thinking is readjusting pretty well.

    I like knowing that men can do this too.

    T & S
    Complex! You want to know everyone's birthday and shoe size over 'there'?

    Thanks, it's still a work in progress.

    Oh yes the real thing is so much better, if not as predictable!

    Thanks! You can make me feel like I know what I am doing! I needed that.

    It can be great if you don't let it overtake you.

    Mine was a bit different. It was a loop in which I went over and over covering about a 10 year span over there. And I needed no paper, I remember word for word what everyone said. I would like to try more fiction, not from there - new fiction. Maybe someday.