Eva described mind blogging the other day. I am sure it is something that we all do without even thinking about it, but I know that I hold the gold medal. I know I’ve been doing it the longest. I have a first memory of mind blogging at age 11 (Yea, I know this pre-dates computers, but it’s the same idea). It wasn’t just daydreaming. I created a story, an alternate life. I added to it, refined it and polished it all through my teens and early 20. I don’t know why I started it, I had a great childhood, but the idea of spanking was not in my real life and I craved it. This was the only way. Unfortunately it was also a trap.
You don’t need to get the rubber room ready for me yet. Actually mind blogging, as I do it now, is the healthiest thing I have done in 30 years. I use it now to enhance my real life, to enrich my life with Nick and connect with other people. The way I used it before was unhealthy but I couldn’t stop. Talk about being a control freak, I created an entire world where I controlled every aspect. What happened, what was worn, what was said – everything was exactly the way I wanted it. If I was bored, scared, worried, uncomfortable, whatever – I just slipped over. Why deal with reality when perfection is just a thought away!
Unfortunately I gave her all my good traits and didn’t keep what I needed for myself. She was the one with the fire and passion, the fighter, the talent, everything. I just thought it. I only told two other people about this; a counselor I saw for a while and a close friend. Both told me it was bad for me and tried to get me to stop. My friend coined the term mind fucking (I refined it to the more accurate mind blogging now). But sometimes we would be together and she would yell “Damn it, you’re mind fucking again, come back to reality!” Excellent advice, but nearly impossible to take. Any addiction is hard to give up – but one that lives in my head. How was I supposed to keep away from it?
I don’t mean that I didn’t live my life. I did! I married, had kids, friend, a career but always, always I spent time ‘over there’. Not very fair to Nick; how to compete with the perfect scenario when he didn’t even know it existed!! And since I was going over so often there was no reason to work on reality; the other ‘reality’ was already there and handy.
If I didn’t have a handle on this now believe me I would never be saying a word here or anywhere else. Much of why I am writing this is to point out the power of blogging. Every month of my life since the age of 12, I spent time ‘there’, often weekly or daily. That’s over 35 years. I started reading blogs in May, commenting in June and had my own blog in July. I haven’t been ‘over there’ since I got the nerve to leave my first comment. That’s 4 months!! I have no desire to go, I like it here better. I am using the time and energy I wasted there to make real life better. I am taking back what I gave to her – the passion first, maybe even some of the bratty way someday! Poor ol’ Nick may really have his hands full if we totally merge!
We talk about real life and the blogging world as if they are different things. Blogging has given me back my real life. Thanks folks, I’m really enjoying it!!