Trying to explain my spanking needs

If you haven’t been to When the Storm Whispers to the Winds latest post – and all the comments, you need to go take a look. I love the discussion going on. Don’t forget to check out The Continued Journey too. Morningstar has a thing or two to say. I hope many other’s will jump in on their blogs or in the comments. And you can see, it’s fine to comment on someone else’s comment. 

 

As I’ve gone back looking at old post – and this is a new post, BTW – I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking about the whole concept of domestic discipline as I view it. I know I am a happier person when there is true discipline in my life and I wanted it to come from a strong man who loves me. But despite our playing at it for over  a decade it never felt right.

 

I wanted something I didn’t know how to ask for and I guess I still don’t. I wanted spanking in my life for a variety of reasons. Fun and sexy for sure, maybe a little stress relief from time to time and yes, there were times I wanted real discipline and sometimes punishment.

Punishment – why, you might ask. Why would anyone want to be punished? 

 

Who the hell knows? I sure don’t. I just know that the desire for it is there, certainly not all the time, but sometimes.

 

Nick never understood, though he truly tried. We had a few ruled, but evidently nothing he ever really cared about. I mean we’ve been married and living together for thirty-seven years and if it takes me longer that twenty-four hours to put away the laundry, he doesn’t really care. I know that, so the play spankings I would sometimes get was just that – play – and I never got what I needed from it.

 

What I kept trying to tell Nick, what I needed him to realize, was that whether he understood it or not – I needed some real spankings in my life to keep me mentally healthy and happy. Shouldn’t that knowledge have been enough to keep it up? 

 

But of course I understand his confusion. More now than I used to. He never understood that he could give a serious spanking for the reason stated above or other reasons that were somewhat intangible.

 

So the question – What is it that I do at my age and maturity that would merit discipline - as in the form of spanking?

 

Not much – we don’t fight, I never say ugly things to him – ever, he doesn’t care if I cuss, we live calmly and peacefully together with neither of us doing anything to bother the other.

 

But I know what I do that deserves a good spanking, he doesn’t, but I do. For me personally, it’s pulling away and living in my head. Excluding Nick from my feelings and emotions. Shutting him out. I always think I do this because I know he doesn’t want to deal with them and I don’t want to bother him. But it’s also because I don’t want to deal with them either. So it’s easier for both of us to pretend that they don’t exist.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong, but there always seems to be a barrier between us because I can’t/won’t open up to him. I did when I first came out. Twenty-nine years into our marriage and I felt closer to him than I ever had. It wonderful, nearly everything I’d ever dreamed of.

 

But over the years, as he totally ignored discipline, it felt to me like he didn’t care. Like he couldn’t grasp what this meant to me. And trust me, I tried telling him every way I knew how. He seemed to feel that it was all just a slap and tickle sex game we played sometimes. It made me feel uncared for. He didn’t want to put in the work it took to make me open up and truly be with him. 

 

In desperation, I wrote a whole book trying to explain it all to him one last time. It was a Corbin’s Bend book, Returning to Us. The couple in the book mirrors us pretty closely in their mature years. It contain some of the fights we had – only in my head, of course, Nick never knew anything about them. But they were intense. I think he read the book, I know I asked him to, but… nothing.

 

So these days my thoughts, feelings, problems and joys concerning spanking are mostly philosophical. I love reading how others are dealing in their versions of – this, whatever you call it.