I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Help me with this one folks

Now to talk about weigh loss - I’m doing fine. I lost another 1.2 pounds last week. Nick was very happy with me but it all gives me a strange feeling. I can’t quite put my finger on it but the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. I almost cringe when someone congratulates me in person. I don’t want Nick to ignore it, but I would just as soon him tell me he’s pleased by email. And that’s all I am, pleased (said with a small smile and a let’s please move on.) I appreciate everyone out here that is encouraging me. That kind of support is welcomed but it just makes me nervous coming from those I see every day. I guess I’ve fought this fight so many times – and lost – that I’m almost afraid of success. Being overweight is one thing, starting to lose and then backsliding is another.

Once when I had lost around 20 pounds – enough for everyone to notice, I had several people at church, and family too, tell me how good I looked. They told me they were proud of me and that they knew it took hard work. It was like my mind said “Okay, you’re finished. You can stop now.” And that’s what I did. And I put every pound back on. I don’t know why. I really don’t. But it has gotten me to a point where I’m almost paranoid when people tell me I’m doing well. You see, in my mind, I know what they will think if I start to gain back,

I knew she couldn’t do it the stupid loser. It was all just a wasted effort. Oh yeah, I believed all that big talk ‘gonna lose weight, gonna really do it this time’ who did the idiot think she was fooling?

Yes, yes I know very poor attitude on my part, but this blog is where I spill my guts and for better or worse, those are the thoughts in my head. If anyone has ever had this problem or has a way to overcome this I’d be happy to hear it.

Where we stand right now: I joined Weight Watcher 5 weeks ago and in those 5 weeks I’ve lost 6.2 pounds. I should be very happy. But since I don’t know why I’m suddenly deciding to do something about my weight and I’m sticking with the program then I don’t know what might trigger me to give up and stop trying. I guess it comes down to this, it’s easier for me to live with being fat that to disappoint myself and others again by trying and failing. Geeze, where’s Jillian Michaels when you need her?


  1. PK, dear girl, the only opinion that should matter to you is yours, and Nick's of course.
    Not that it matters, but I have a good opinion of you, fat or thin!
    Love and warm hugs,

  2. I'm with Paul. I've been on the weight roller coaster all my life. I love losing and looking fit and trim and getting compliments. I do however love food and if and when I gain it back, I've enjoyed every pound of it. To me both the getting thinner and the getting it back are enjoyable. Sometimes, one more than the other.

  3. PK: To start with, don't worry about what people are thinking. A wise person once said to me, "You know what people are thinking? They are thinking about themselves.''

    And I thought the motivation was the doctor said losing weight was good for your health.

    Anyway, good luck and try not to obsess about your weight.


  4. PK, I think I know what you mean. There are so many emotions going on when you lose weight. The excitement of finally shedding the extra pounds but because losing weight is so visible everyone knows. If you have setbacks or gain lost weight everyone sees. I enjoy seeing my clothes get baggier more so than congrats. (I don't like a lot of fuss)

    Good luck, a pound or so a week is the best way to lose. I am going to take your lead. Now, what is a girl that doesn't eat fish, veggies, or salad to do? ;-)

  5. Anonymous10:06 AM

    Hi PK,

    I think you should lose the weight because YOU want to...not for anyone else. I don't know how much you need to lose, but please don't give up on yourself. You're worth the effort it takes to improve your health!


  6. I have fought this fight too, many times. For me body perception plays a big part. I've been working on weight loss since march I've lost 60 lbs. But most of the time I look in the mirror and am surprised. Where did the fat girl go. My mind still thinks my body is fat, thats who I am, fat. Its really a part of the way I define myself and it takes awhile to change that definition. Did that make any sense at all?

  7. Anonymous6:45 PM

    So ummmmm... Twin.... I hear what you're saying and I get it. I do. But listen..... do you think you're the first one to play the yo yo game? I have played it and I know plenty of others who have done the same and quite frankly it really doesn't matter what they think. No one knows which time you'll finally take the weight off and keep it off. Maybe this is it. Maybe it's not. I hope for you that is is.... but if it's not, then maybe it will be next time... or the next.... it just doesn't matter. Those who matter will support you this time, next time, and as many times as it takes.. we'll cheer you on every time and celebrate like mad when it finally sticks... and quite frankly those who really matter would only be disappointed to see you not try again.... so chin up, shoulders back and get down to it... again.... Our Biggest Loser friend says when you quit quitting you will finally succeed. You can do it. You just gotta quit quitting. It's ongoing.... you can't stop.. even when you think "I'm done, I'm happy where I am."

  8. PK i know exactly what you are feeling. Ive done it. As soon as someone starts to notice and start paying compliments its like its all over - or you start to think ohhh i can have the one little treat i can afford it....its just the one...
    I dont know really what changed with me but I THINK it was becuase a lot of times ive fought the weight loss battle its been for someone else.
    Last time i did it it was for me and me alone. I got my head in the right space. I accepted compliments and it spurred me on becuase it was for me.
    I hope you can figure it out and please please dont fall off teh waggon
    6.2pounds in 5 weeks is amazing and you will be starting to feel the difference.
    Way to go you - im dead proud of you
    Big hugs kiwi xxx

  9. Paul,
    And I really appreciate it. I just wish my opinion of me was always better.

    Mine hasn’t been so much a roller coaster as just a pretty much steady climb for the past 30 year with the occasional dip. I don’t worry about being skinny I just want my knees to feel better and to avoid diabetes and other nasty conditions.

    I know FD; it’s my thinking that is the problem. I know that what the doctor said got me to thinking, but the doctor has said the same thing for the past 10 years and I never really did anything.

    I sure wish I could hide for 6 months to a year and just have everyone find out once I’ve lost all I want to. I do like the baggy clothes feel. I don’t like veggies either!! I do like some fish and I can choke down a salad but it’s not like I ever want one.

    I’m doing weight watcher on line because I can’t take a perky leader. I eat what I want but stick with the points. So far, so good.

    Thanks Kitty,
    I’m giving it a shot. Fifty pounds would be fantastic!

    I understand what you’re saying and it can work the other way too. I was such a skinny kid that I denied how much I was really gaining. Sixty pounds is fantastic – so what are you doing?

    Ahhh Twin,
    I appreciate seeing you here. Quit quitting, huh. Good way to put it. If I promise not to quit can I still come see you and eat your cooking?

    I think I am doing it for myself even if I have to do it in a fish bowl, just as everyone else has to. You’re right; it’s all about the head space. I’m not there yet but maybe I’m getting there.

  10. PK - take it a day at a time - i sometimes just broke it down to a meal at a time. Smile at the compliments - but please just keep at it one day at a time one day at a time :) email me if you want to. Im here any time :)
    love and hugs xxx

  11. Do it for yourself and don't worry about what other people think, I know easier said than done.

    Can't say any more that Eva, what she said it true.


  12. I've been on WW for almost a year now and am at 16 pound weight loss. I'll lose more than gain some back. It happens but just keep going. The meetings really help keep you going. If you just need Nick to tell you in an email than tell him that. My husband is never sure if he should ask me to not. I'm happy with any weight loss, even a few ounces. At least it is a lose. Some weeks you will see a gain but that could just be the time of the month - water weight. Keep going don't let the little defeat monsters inside you win.


  13. I cultivated a love hate relationship with my treadmill. Also, I set a big goal, ideally I would like to lose 100 lbs. Realistically I think I can lose about 20 more and then maintain. I always set a small goal, usually ten lbs a month. Some months have been better than others. And as if its not hard enough for me to haul my butt onto the treadmill(grumble, grumble, hates exercise)my husband has actually asked me not to lose anymore weight. His concern is that my butt will get to small. HA HA HA. Never gonna happen.

  14. Anonymous2:25 PM

    The biggest obstacle to overcome, thankfully you don't have to. Nick loves you for you. So the motivation should be so you will be around for a very very long time to spend with Nick and do TTWD. The compliments are a bonus. The best compliment is your living a healthy happy life. Do it for yourself. Stop obsessing over what others think. Its a case of mind over matter, You shouldn't mind and their opinions don't matter.


  15. Kiwi,
    I guess one day at the time is going to be the best way.

    I think I need to keep that thought ‘quit quitting’ in mind.

    Sticking with it a year is very impressive. I am doing it on line and not going to meetings. I’m not against meetings but the ‘perkiness’ of the leaders makes me want to attack. I know that they are doing their job but I can’t deal with it.

    Nick had me get a notebook to keep by the scale to record my weight once a week. I’ve kept it for almost a year. He usually looks at it after I leave and often email me then. I like that best.

    I don’t have a treadmill (or room for one) but I do make it to the gym a couple of times a week and then lately I’ve been using the wii on at least two other days. WW made a reasonable goal for me, 10 pounds but it didn’t really give me a time frame. At the moment I’m losing about a pound a week. But I don’t imagine that will continue forever. I’m guessing it will be a while before Nick asks me to stop losing!

    You’re right, and I’m working on it. Nick has said exactly what you said. He wants to have me around a long time. It does make me feel good to hear him say that.

  16. @PK, I totally get what you mean about the mental struggle with weight loss. That is one of the hardest parts. Several years ago, I lost a little over 100 pounds. I heard all the compliments and gushing over how great I looked.

    Over the last few years, I've gained it all back and when that started to happen I was almost embarrassed of running into someone and having them see me and thinking, "well I guess she couldn't keep it off..."

    It's a battle that never really ends between mind and body, whether you are maintaining or trying to lose. 6 pounds in 5 weeks is great. Little by little is the way to go. I wish you luck.

  17. Lea,
    I know we all have to maintain our health for ourselves but everyone in the world seem to feel they can comment on it. As we are losing they are truly happy for us and want to let us know that they're proud of our hard work. But we can always hear those comments they don't say as we gain back. Sometimes they're louder.

  18. Hi Pk,
    First of all I think you are doing wonderfully! Try not to worry about what other people think. I know this is easier to say than do. You are beautiful on the inside and out. What is harder than concerning yourself with what others think is when the voices you hear are coming from your own head. You are doing great. Everyone has given good advice. I have little more to add than to say I understand. For me when I lost a lot of weight and was noticed by others I felt exposed and could not hide anymore and was afraid if they really saw me they may not like me for who I am and subsequently returned to old habits and gained all the weight back so I could hide again. And I will keep trying until I get to my goal - and keep it. I know there will be ups and downs but I also know it is more about feeling good about yourself and not just about the weight alone. You will get there. Don't give up on yourself. You have a lot of support. :-) Hugs, Terps

    PS - So glad to be online again - 5 days without power, phone,or internet and glad to be back and reading how you are doing...