This is a spanking blog, not a weight loss blog

So why am I talking about weight loss more than I am spanking? Because I’m losing weight but I’m NOT getting spanked, that’s why! Don’t worry, I’m in a good mood and this is not going to be a whiney post – just a reflective one. Why am I not getting spanked you might ask, well there are two possible reasons:

1. I’m perfect. I never do anything wrong and there is absolute no reason I should ever be spanked.

2. I’m married to a vanilla who despite being told directly, reading my blog and others, seeing the benefits and dozens of other reasons, just doesn’t think about spanking me unless we’re getting ready to have sex.

I’m going with reason two. Bless his heart, spanking is not his default setting and it never will be. Sigh… what’s a desperate spanko married to the perfect man (if you overlook his vanilla status) to do? I know Nick sees things as ‘PK seems to be in a good place. She’s in a mostly happy, upbeat mood. She’s exercising, she’s sticking with the WW program and she’s losing. Everything’s going great.’ I don’t think spanking ever enters his mind, other than as foreplay, when everything is going smoothly.

We’ve discussed maintenance over the years, but Nick has never warmed to the idea and he never really put his heart into it when we’ve tried. When we don’t spank often I get depressed. Now I want to say that this is happening much less often than it used to. I am happier in general now. The time frame between these depressions is becoming longer and they are less severe. That being said, they still occur. They come suddenly and sometimes it takes very little to trigger them, the negative little thought are always in my head. Usually I can push them back, tell them to hush, that they don’t know what they are talking about – but then it only take one little crack for them to swarm in on me, some of their favorite lines.

• He knows you like to be spanked but he doesn’t very often. See, he doesn’t care.

• He’s sick of hearing about spanking. If you mention it one more time he’s going to tell you to go to hell.

• He doesn’t care that you need to be spanked to maintain your mental and emotional health. He only spanks you when he wants sex.

• You should have never taken those walls down. You need them when you feel like this. You’ll be hurt without them. Put them back! Put them back!

I have to say that these nasty little thoughts, and the friends they often invite over, can be a bitch to live with.

I think about this a lot. Wow! Bet that comes as a big shock! I’m really happy to say that I love what we have. Our relationship seems to grow closer as the years go by. I love that he seems happy and enthusiastic to include spanking into our love making. I wish to high heavens that that was all I needed. Nick understands this and he’s comfortable with it. But I need something else.

So let me just spit it out – even though after all this time it embarrasses me to say it – I sometimes need to be punished, dominated, controlled. Why, you ask? How the hell should I know?? That’s why I would really like to see this whole spanking desire thing studied. All I know is it is the stuff of my life long fantasies. I fantasies about the dread, the fear, the embarrassment, the pain, the domination, the loss of control. I fantasies about it all. So how do I get this from the sweetest, most loving, most gentle, most caring man in the world?

I have an idea.

Poor Nick, I feel he has grow to view that particular sentence with great suspicion. Never fear honey, I think it will be something you can live with. When I get it all worked out in my mind I’ll shoot you an email. And folks if it works you know I’ll be talking about it here. Meanwhile, I am still happy and cheerful. I lost 1.4 pounds this past week and I plan to keep losing a little each week. Wish me luck with this and with my new idea.