Many of my friends are on antidepressants. It’s hardly unusual these days but I never really considered it before. I felt normal before I came out. No big highs but I was content. I felt everything was pretty much normal. I had a low sex drive but I figured that was just the way I was. Once I came out as a spanko and shared this part of myself with Nick things changed a great deal. Our sex life took off in ways that was unbelievable to both of us. Finding blogs was a large factor in this too. I mean taking something that had been a hidden part of me all my life and suddenly finding others who were just like me! WOW!! I just couldn’t believe it. I had friends who understood and would discuss TTWD with me, a husband willing to step out of his comfort zone and try this strange activity. I couldn’t get the grin off my face.
So what’s wrong with me now? I understand about a honeymoon period and that nothing good stays at its peak forever but these days I just feel down so often. Not really depressed but I just feel like I should be happier. I feel guilty even complaining. I mean what do I have to complain about? I am married to a man I truly love and I know he loves me. We have two bright, happy, healthy kids. We aren’t rolling in dough but as long as we don’t want a new house or new cars every year or a big boat I think we're doing fine. We have steady jobs (although mine is the cause of some of my depression). Despite the occasional ache and pain we are in very good health. I’m grateful but guiltily I want more.
I could go to counseling but I have no idea what I would say, maybe “My libido is gone and my husband isn’t into spanking as much as I would like?” The counselor may think I’m nuts and need long term treatment but we all know that that would be incorrect. And speaking of spanking, I am not complaining about Nick here. I have no interest in right now. No desire. I’m not saying I’d turn it down but it just feels like a non-issue. I feel like nothing much matters any more. And I guess that scares me as much as anything.
I’m scared of antidepressants. In the past when a few of my friends when on them they seemed very different to me. They walked around with pleasant, slightly vacant smiles on their face. But I always had the feeling that if I had hit them in the face with a board that their pleasant expression wouldn’t have changed. I DON’T want that feeling. This was over 15 years ago and I know medicines have improved. Most of the time I don't think all this is serious enough to go on medication but I know I need something. I went through menopause just as I came out and was at my happiest ever. A great way to approach menopause by the way, but really that was 4 years ago. Surely that’s not my problem.
Anyway I am asking for your thoughts. If you’ve had problems like this what did you do? Are antidepressants the way to go?Does anyone have something natural to suggest? Should I shut – up and suck it up? I will probably be going for my physical in November so I suppose I should at least decide what I want to ask the doctor. I’ll take any suggestions you got.