I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Don't let your guard down.

A long time ago I told you I was working on a ‘project’. I’m still working on it but it took a pretty big hit last week. Something happened that really hurt my feelings but at the same time taught me a valuable lesson. My project is a book. I’m trying to write a spanking fiction book. I don’t expect it to be some big hit but at the same time I think it’s pretty good. I’ve talked to someone out here that may help me get it published but I needed it edited. For anyone that writes you know that once you go over something so often you go right over those pesky little mistakes. But spanking fiction is not something you can just ask anyone to read. Thankfully, I had someone – or so I thought.

In the vanilla world I shared my spanko side with two people, my sister and my closest friend in real life. When I told them they seem a little surprised and highly amused. They each teased a little and I knew neither of them really understood what it was all about. They thought it was just a little slap and tickle foreplay. That was fine. I knew it wasn’t important that they really know the details and feeling behind TTWD.

My friend was a former English teacher and when I mentioned the book she was excited about it and offered to help. She had read a few of my stories so I didn’t foresee any real problem. She certainly knew the content before she got her hands on it. She had it a long time but did some good work on editing. She brought it to me at work so we didn’t discuss it at all but later that evening she called and just went off on me.

“If this is autobiographical I’m going to kill Nick!” was how she began. Then she went on and on about the life style. Well, I think you can all imagine what she had to say. I’m sure we’ve all heard it before. How we’re crazy, our men are bullies, we’re sick to take it, it’s nothing but abuse…

She totally ignored the fact that the book is fiction. She ignored the fact that I was the one who ask for this in our marriage. And she ignored the fact that she knew me both before and after I came out and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I know that part of what she was saying was in a half kidding manner but I really felt attacked and hurt by all she had said. It would be like one of LJ’s best friend calling him up to gay bash. It hurt.

This all happened a couple of weeks ago and I’ve calmed down. I’ve talked with her several times but the book and TTWD has not come up. And it won’t come up again. I didn’t blast her but I have written her a letter – I don’t plan to give it to her unless she pushes it. If the subject comes up again I’ll tell her in no uncertain terms that we will not be discussing it again – ever!

I guess all and all she has done me a favor. I have become so comfortable out here, I feel so accepted and supported by everyone in blogland that I had begun to let my guard down. I had begun to feel that everyone who cared for me would understand. I guess I found out that wasn’t true. We still have to be careful. Our lifestyle is still taboo and totally misunderstood by others. Sad but true. I’m not letting it stop me though. I’m still going ahead with the book idea. Not going to let the vanilla’s stop me, but I’ll be careful.


  1. I'm so sorry this happened! And I can absolutely relate. There are two (maybe 3) people in my real life who know about TTWD. One is my brother (and possibly his wife) who stumbled onto my blog via the facebook snafu a few months ago. The other is a girl I consider one of my best friends. A couple of years ago our friendship was at a particularly close point, and I ventured to share my secret with her. She was surprised and intrigued, and seemed very supportive at first - until she read my blog. Then she sent me emails telling me how abusive it seemed, and how heartbroken she was that I felt like I "deserved to be treated that way." It really devastated me, because it was a HUGE thing for me to share it with her. We eventually moved past it, but it's not something we EVER discussed again.

    BTW, I'm excited to see your book!


  2. slowsong5:30 AM

    Please don't give up on the book. It's easy to criticise writing - the writing is the difficult but positive thing. Good luck

  3. Anonymous6:49 AM


  4. Sux. But an excellent reminder. Thanks.

  5. PK, that is sad, but I think it happens to us all.
    I hope that you carry on writing.
    When it comes to TTWD lots of people can't see past the end of their nose.
    Love and warm hugs,

  6. PK: Congrats on doing the book. I hope you get it published and can't wait to read it. And, yes, your story was a cautionary tale tht even though you feel comfortable sharing your most intimate thoughts in blogland, people who don't understand the lifestyle aren't always supportive. A shame really that some people are so judgmental but that is the world we live in.


  7. Anonymous10:18 AM

    TTWD can be very hard to explain to a vanilla. They don't understand the emotional connection, the bond the sense of security. And in most fictional stories that is implied not necessarily voiced. WE all get it, but a vanilla wouldn't. In todays society so many people are abused and mistreated so take your friends comments in the vain they were meant and that is for your safety and well being. Albeit misguided but I think you would be more hurt if you were being mistreated and no one stood up to help you.....So be glad you have good friends vanilla and out here.

    Hugs C

  8. I am so sorry that happened to you. Continue with your project, you are a great story teller. I am also looking for someone to edit my stories,they are hard to find.

  9. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can imagine how hurt you were. Did she comment on the writing? Did she think the writing was good, or did she just poo poo the whole thing???

    A valuable lesson was learned. Not everyone (including people that we know and love) agree with us, or even accept the way we live.

    It's very sad and I'm sorry you were hurt!


  10. I've been tempted to tell a friend of mine but I don't think I will, your friend already knew and still hassled you. I am sorry you had to go through it good luck with your writing.

  11. Tracy,
    Thanks, it's surprising how much it hurt. I am sooo happy that we have each other for support.

    I really like the book. I've put a lot into it. I'm not in a big rush to get it out but I definitely will. I'm proud of it.

    Love you Yaya!

    Yeah, sadly something we all have to remember.

    I'm going to keep on writing for sure but I'm only sharing it with the people I really trust - you guys.

    I feel I now know who I can really trust and it's my friends out here. At least when it comes to TTWD.

    You made some excellent points. We all do understand but vanillas just can't get it. It is good to have people who care.

    I won't stop writing but none of my real life friends will know when/if the book is ever published. Sad kinda, something I will be so proud of but that I can't share with all my friends.

    Thanks Grace,
    She never mentioned the writing and I know that was what hurt as much as the other. I was so proud of what I had written and it never even came up.

    If she wasn't such a good friend it wouldn't have hurt so much.

  12. Kaki,
    Before this happened I would have told you to go ahead if it was a really good friend but now I'd tell you no. If anyone discovers it just laugh it off as slap and tickle foreplay. People will kinda understand that. Don't try to get then to see it as what it really means to us. They just can't.

  13. Anonymous12:54 PM

    PK, Dan has lost two good friends over "opening up" about this. They also did not understand.

    I also still believe he was laid off from that job because one of the men was a co-worker.

    He didn't even go into all that much detail.

    I have also had friends react badly when I've gone anywhere near telling them. And we're not spankos, so it's not about that, either.

    I think it's about the power exchange, the fact that Nick and Dan have power over us. They see it as abuse, as being sick, as something bad.

    I will never tell anyone about us again and of course, Dan won't either. He's still bitter about it, especially since the one friend had specifically asked him for help in his marriage because he saw how happy we are together.

    So Dan obliged and told him some of it. Then lost his best friend and not long after that, his job.

    We don't tell anyone outside the people we've found online. Never.

    It's sad but...there is just too much to lose. Good luck on your book! :) ~~Amber

  14. PK - I'm sorry that happened. I'm sure the book will be great, though. I admire your for your ability to write fiction.

    I would not tell anyone about my online life, or our enjoyment of spanking. In a way it makes me a bit standoffish, because I'm afraid of letting my guard down. At least there's no danger of my ever going out with the girls for drinks!


  15. Thanks Amber,
    People take time, they are more tolerant about interracial marriages and gays than they used to be. I wonder if we will ever be accepted in polite society? I'm feeling better about the book with all these comments so I will forge ahead.

    I'm exactly the same way. Being a spanko is so much a part of who I am that I can't be as close to people in real life. It's sad really that we can sometimes feel so much closer to people we have never seen face to face than to our neighbor.

  16. Holy Shit, PK! That SUCKS!!!
    I know exactly what you're going through. Man, do I regret telling anyone what I write or do. My problem is my big ass MOUTH. Normally, I'm at dinner with buddies, I'm drinking and I freakin' blurt out "I write romantic spanking fiction." Forks hover in the air, mouths open, blank stares and crickets sound in the background. Ooops.

    So what happened to that statistic that 1 in 9 people are spankos? And who has the right to judge others relationships?

    But I know what you mean and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Reading all the comments makes me realize how backwards our country still is and how frightened everyone is of differences.

    And thanks for the caution. I am so happy about my work and I'm selling a lot and writing it makes me so happy and horny and I get all lulled with my blog and my contacts at Discipline and Desire and my spanko friends that I forget the world is full of NARROW people.

    Have you thought about publishing your book with D and D? Look up their guidelines and submit. Josh and Reesa do a great job.

    Plus most of the big publishing houses are doing spanking books now. Try Samhain, Ellora's Cave and damn, what's the other one that's doing DD stuff??? I'll do some research for you.

    I'm lucky to have erotica writer friends who don't think writing spanking fiction is weird at all. Especially if it sells.

    But what I don't do is mention that I am participating in anything that I write about. I lie when asked. And you have made me glad that I do.

    I'm so sorry, my dear. Much love to you. Michelle

  17. Anonymous10:14 AM

    You know, I don't talk much to anyone about any intimacies I have with my wife. I write about the spanking so I can understand it better, but really, it's no one's business to judge.

    Sorry you had the unpleasant episode with your friend. You realize her feelings were intense because she loves you. Her words were wrong, but maybe the intent is good.

  18. Michelle,
    Thanks it helps so much to know others have experienced this situation. It’s just not right. I’m so proud of my blog, I’m proud of my writing and I can’t tell my friends and family. It created a distance that I really regret. I can’t stop myself from telling people I write. I usually tell them romantic fiction – they probably think its porn but they usually don’t ask more.

    I have talked to Reesa and she has been encouraging. I’ll email you sometime and see what some of your suggestions might be. I don’t think I’ll be quitting my day job for what I can make as a writer but I love it and I’d love to be able to publish.

    I understand what you’re saying. But talking to folks here has been such a part of understanding me and being able to open up to Nick. Women especially need to talk more I think. But I forgot ‘here’ is a world of acceptance and the real world isn’t.

    You’re right about my friend too. We have talked since. I know she cares about me and we don’t have a problem now. I just think it’s sad that something that is so important in my life is something we can never really discuss.