I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Saturday, November 25, 2006

Not a good day

This is one of those pieces that I don’t know if I’ll post or not but I have to write it for myself. I feel like I am blind siding Nick, who has no idea what goes on inside my head. I finally decided to post it because its only fair that he does know what I think. I have not had a good day. Friday was my day to weigh. It had not been a good week so I wasn’t surprised to see that I had gone up instead of down. I wondered about what Nick would do or say, but what I got was – nothing -- he never even asked if I had weighted or what it was. Nothing. I was pissed; I was hurt; I was sad. Of course I never told Nick I was upset. I don’t do that, I just withdraw a bit and have little to say.

We took care of some chores and later around lunch time I had been on the computer a bit then took a quick nap and woke up still mad at Nick. It was time to have it out and tell him what I was feeling. I’ve said before that Nick and I never fight. Well maybe that is not exactly true. We often fight, we have for years, the only problem is that the entire thing takes place in my head. He never knows a thing. And the worse thing about this, the absolute worse is – he always wins. He is not even in the actual argument and he still wins! I know how he thinks and his logical and reasonable responses spring to my mind without effort.

I knew I could have the fight easier if I just left. Nick was working outside and I just said I was going off for a while. He didn’t ask where I was going and that made me even madder. I went to the gym; it was as good a place for a fight as any. It would have started something like this.

Why are you so quiet this morning?

I’m pissed! I weight this morning and you never even asked. You don’t care. I’ve told you I want a DD marriage. You don’t care. I know you don’t really want this but you did agree to help at least with the weight thing. But every time I don’t lose you make up some excuse for me. Hell, I can make excuses! I need someone that will say “Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween doesn’t matter, you have a goal and you didn’t make it and I’m going to whip your butt.”

Slow down, you know that I do care. If you wanted me to know what you weighted why didn’t you just come in and tell me?

Bite me.

I just want you to show me you care. Yes I feel like crap being mad at you. I know how much better things are now; better than they have ever been before. Erotic spankings are so wonderful; I love what this has done for us. I don’t know why I am pushing for more but I am. When the kids left today and you were working on the yard and I was doing nothing but napping and working on the computer why didn’t you let me have it, pull me off my lazy butt, spank my ass and tell me to come help or do something!! Then when I left you didn’t even ask me where I was going. So I’m mad!

Let me get this straight. You are mad at me because I didn’t ask what you weighed, when you could have just told me. You are also mad because I went out and did yard work and let you nap and play on the computer. You are a grown woman and knew exactly what you planned to do around the house and when you planned to do it. And you are mad because I trust that you had a reason for going out and that you would be home soon.

Yeah, you’re right, never mind, you didn’t take me to raise. I am perfectly capable of making all the decisions in my life myself, I always have. I get it, I understand, forget it, pass the donuts.

You see, even when he is not there he makes more sense than I do. By the time I got home I wasn’t mad at Nick anymore but I was pretty mad at myself. I curled up with him on the couch just because I needed comfort. He was so sweet, he always is. Why do I get like this?? Why can't I just talk to him. Why can’t I leave well enough alone? Why do I keep pushing DD if he doesn’t want it?


  1. Anonymous1:49 AM

    Oh gawd, PK.. I can SO relate to this post! I had these types of mind-fights with my ex (Fred) all the time. I even did that martyr thing just like you.. the "yeah I know.. you're right.. forget it" thing. In an argument like this, PK, Nick doesn't win, you forfeit before he has a chance to. I know this because I did exactly the same thing with Fred.

    You did a brave thing by posting this tonight, knowing Nick would likely read it. I wonder if the resulting conversation you two have will be anything like the one you've fashioned in your head. I seriously doubt it.

    Remember that Nick doesn't have a lifetime of understanding this lifestyle to draw from. He's a newbie in every sense of the word. Help him work through it, sweetie. I bet he'll come through for you.

    ::big hugs:: SuZQ

  2. Anonymous5:28 AM

    Maybe he's in love with more than your belly?

    I dunno, women!

    *shakes head in despair*

  3. Anonymous8:14 AM

    Oh, hell! I have fights like this all the time! They certainly do suck. I don't have the solution. I am sorry, I wish I did. But....I feel your pain.

    My life is in such chaos at this point, the "fights" are much more more frequent. All in my mind. Then, he does something wonderful. If only he were a mind reader. If only we could be true empty nesters. If only - those are my worst arguments.

    So sorry....this one touched a nerve. My only child (pushing 30) can't seem to leave. That's another story but it so affects my life.
    I want so much more out of our life but if I don't communicate out loud (!) I guess it won't change too much.
    I'm glad he loves me, warts and all! I wish he'd spank me...

    I don't think this helped you! Although, I think we do need to speak out loud. :)


  4. Anonymous8:14 AM

    Elis~ You know, they do say it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. For us girls, this is something that's always been a part of us even if only in our fantasyland. But for our old dogs, well, it's another story. While the men are thinking "all of a sudden she wants me to beat her" we women are thinking "all of a sudden MY ASS... I've always wanted spanked." It's okay. You guys are doing fine!!


  5. Wow, I have the same arguments in my head. Being five hours away he can't even see me pouting and acting all quiet. Usually this just makes me madder.

    I don't have an answer either. Hopefull Paul will be around soon, I bet he'll have one. Or maybe Nick will read and he will think of one. I hope so.


  6. Anonymous8:58 AM


    Being off work, I didnt't think first thing about it being Friday. And later when you didn't mention weighing it seemed only reasonable to let it slide. Who wants to talk about weighing the morning after a Thanksgiving dinner (shrimp coctails,fruit and vegie trays,cheese ball,ham, turkey and dressing,mashed potatoes and gravy,sweet potatoes, green beans, corn,cranberry sauce, two kinds of rolls, coconut cake, and pumpkin pie)?

    Most would realize that this would not be a fair time to get a true picture of current weight. I did ask you to weigh first thing this morning (no gain since last week and still ahead of cumulative goal-not bad).

    And then you tell me we had a fight yesterday and I didn't even show up. How inconsiderate of me!

    And you tell me women are not complicated and confusing(like Fitz also shaking head).


  7. Hey PK, I, too, can relate to your side of this fight in your head... so it has nothing to do with being a newbie for you OR for Nick. But sweetie, Nick has WAY more of us this figured out then you give him credit for sometimes... as does my Dante, who I love to gripe and complain and NOT voice my complaints to, also...

    Something tells me that you may well have already had much of this um, "addressed" by now... I hope so, anyway! And I for one am once againr eminded just how helpful the whole blogging thing can be! *grins*

    Love you, babe,

  8. Elis dear girl, even those of us who know and love our partners really well are not mind readers. If you want to fight with Nick, you must at least tell him when and where.
    I know Nick has answered you, but it bears saying time and time again, the secret of this lifestyle is communication, we can only give you what you need if we know, often we do but sometimes we don't.
    It isn't wrong to ask for what you need.
    Bless you PK, trust your man.
    Warm hugs,

  9. Anonymous2:18 PM

    First, the holiday season is TOUGH. Sticking to a diet is a real challenge. That being said, we understand the fight you had in your head. You want to be held accountable.

    Do you guys have a spanking contract? Something that outlines when weigh-in takes place, and the exact consequences of a gain?

    ~Todd & Suzy

  10. SuZQ, Debbie,Eva,Theresa,Tiggr,
    It really, really helped me this morning to know that all of you have done this. I really did feel alone in this craziness. And thanks for reminding me that he has not had 40+ years to think of all this as I have. Does it ever stop? Can I learn to stop doing this?

    I know, I know, I know. And I know we drive you guys crazy sometimes but we don't mean to.

    I do know you are right. Really I do, but sometimes its just so hard!

    Todd and Suzy,
    We don't have a contract. He keeps it on a chart on his computer.

    Nick honey,
    It seems so simple. I sit here looking around in my head and I swear it's as simple as can be. You have done so much that I have needed from you -- couldn't you please work on the mind reading. I would really help me out.

    There is one more important thing that I want to tell you. All that that I was feeling yesterday, mad, sad, confused, hurt, needy all those emotions, at least I was feeling. It still felt better than when I worked so hard at feeling nothing. I love you!

  11. Ohhh PK....isn't blogging great. This looks like a win win situation. I knew Paul and Nick could help!


  12. Oh Elis, I so know how you feel! Same thing happened to me on Friday. Only with not only the weighing thing but I did something else to make Papa Shrek very mad and it came up yesterday in talking. I so hoped a spanking/punishment/talking would be in order and make it all better. But Papa Shrek isn't comfortable with that. SO instead, like you, I have the fights, fantasies, and guilt playing in my head instead. I'm so there with you! I hope you find a way out and can teach me too!



  13. Wow! Hard to know where to start. I'm not sure you can train someone to be a HOH if it's not inside them from the start, waiting to be discovered.

    Cindy was in her mid-30's when she finally figured out what was going on inside her; the need for limits and loving by strict consequences. In the end ... well, that's her story to tell.

    My unsolicited advice is be patient, and you HAVE to tell him what your needs are! Trust me as a man, he won't figure them out on his own!


  14. Theresa,
    If I could just make myself listen to them it would be fine!

    I know we all have a lot in common but the responses today have blown me away with our similarities. If I ever find an easy solution for this I'll bottle it and make a fortune. Of course I'll let my friends our her have it for free!

    Thank you for coming by. I believe my husband does have it in him. But having not had a spanko thought in his head until I finally brought it up after 23 years of marriage he is fighting years of thinking one way. We have made amazing progress in the past 7 months.

    I have read much of you blog and I really like it! Please come back again.

  15. I'm late again as usual but just wanted to say how wonderful it is to see how much love and support you have here, Elis... You can add mine on, too!


  16. Reesa,
    Thanks! This is the best place I have ever been for support and acceptance.


  17. Anonymous6:15 PM

    First time reading your blog after reading your comment on Tiggr's post. Like the idea of the PJ party (hint, hint)!

    Yes, communication. I couldn't read my ex-wife's mind either. I'm in a wonderful new relationship, even newer as spanko. We've had a few starts and interruptions by things outside our control. They take time and momentum away from the spankings, and seemingly just as we're getting the hang of it.

    So, I'm working on getting ahead of her needs and desires. What could help you and Nick is a journal, where you (and he) could write about your spanking wishes and experiences, along with rules and punishments. It could help with the communication problem. Best of luck!


  18. Rambeau,
    Thanks for stopping by. All will be welcomed at the PJ party! I guess my blog is my journal. Tomorrow I try to state my wants and desires very clearly!


  19. Wow Elis, like many women, I can so relate to all that you wrote! Even with Dave in my life and so very willing to take care of me, I'll find myself pushing things down inside until I'm ready to burst with agitation or irritation or tears of frustration. I'm thinking ... that too often I really do want him to read my mind ... to just KNOW, no matter how ridiculous I know that is. And maybe that's just because a huge part of being a wife and mother is 'knowing' what those around you need and simply providing it without thought. Maybe you could try waiting bare bottom over some pillows on the bed? Just a suggestrion! And I truly hope you find some solution ... many thoughts!