I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, October 28, 2019

Yelling at your beloved husband

Can it ever be a good idea to yell at your husband? The answer is – yes! Now let me explain.

I’ve often said out here, that Nick and I don’t fight. And that is the gospel truth. That not always a good thing and I’ve realized that over the years. But it works for us. We’re usually on the same page, we’re both laid back people and we generally decide things without the need to sink to a screaming match.

But the thing he does that makes me the maddest is snapping/shouting at me. Granted it happens rarely, no more than once or twice a year, but maybe that’s why they stand out so much to me.

This past weekend we’d taken down the window treatment to do some painting, well Nick was doing some painting. When he got ready to put them back he needed some help. No problem! I came in and we maneuvered the frame around and with great care I stepped up onto the step ladder – this has become more tricky for me. I feel a little unsteady and a tiny bit fearful since my hands were full and I couldn’t use them to steady myself.

He was up on his own ladder looking at the apparatus and seeing how it was supposed to go back up. The he turned to me and said something like. 

“Clip it onto the smaller clip first then tilt it back and latch it onto the larger clip before snapping it in.” 

Huh?

I didn’t see anything that even looked like a clip to me. And I had no clue what he was talking about, so I told him.

“I  have no idea what you’re talking about.” 
  
We’re approximately three feet apart. He raised his voice about two decibels, and shouting, repeats himself. 

Pissed me off in a flash! He could have showed me what he needed me to do before we’d ever gotten up there. He could have described what I was supposed to be looking for, he could have done a number of things besides shouting at me.

In the past I would have shut up, shut down and nursed this hurt for days. I would have spoken only when spoken to and that’s it. It would have eaten away at me. Yes, it was a silly little thing but I would have made in much bigger in my mind as I picked at it in my head for all those days.

But all that was before TTWD. I’ve said it brought us closer and part the feeling closer is that we’re close enough for me to let him know when I’m mad, without feeling it will drive us apart. 

So I did what the new me was comfortable with – I yelled back, telling him…


“I heard you! But repeating it at a full volume still does not explain what the hell you’re talking about so I still don’t know!”

Man! That felt good! And it was good. He wasn’t really mad, just a bit frustrated, and I realized that. He realized it too and my shouting let him know I didn’t need to be spoken to in that manner and I was not going to simply accept it. With that one short exchange we were fine. He wasn’t mad, I wasn’t mad and we went on to figure out how to get the blinds back up. (Part of the problem could have been that he’d put the brackets back on the wall upside down… but I won’t go there.)

What a joy! One quick shout and I saved both of us a weekend of cold uncomfortable silence. I’m not recommending shouting at one another as a way to solve problems. But for me this has really made a difference in how I handle the few times he snaps at me. How about you? Do you think yelling ever helps?

19 comments:

  1. Hi PK,good for you, I'm glad it resolved things quickly. I guess shouting back can be helpful in that it gives them a sharp shock and makes them realise how they treated you.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. I do think it was especially shocking to Nick since I don't ever yell. He caught my feelings exactly so it worked out well.

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  2. Ray raises his voice when he gets excited. Sometimes he doesn't realize he's doing it but it pisses me off royally. I always tell him to stop yelling and he tells me he is not yelling. We go a couple of rounds but then its over. I don't think I yell but I do make my feelings known.

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    1. That's what we need to do sometimes. It seemed to work so all is well.

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  3. PK,
    You told me that scenes like this seldom happen. So this is a real occasion! Couple with what happened with growing older......... together ....... and you are in for a good time.
    Meredith

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    1. It was an occasion! And I honestly did enjoy it. Quick, simple and effective.

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  4. Anonymous11:55 AM

    I loved this post! You made me laugh out loud as I recognized myself and my husband! We seldom argue but unlike you and Nick, I couldn’t let it go like you used to.
    I watched my mother, who prided herself for never having had a fight with my father, quietly stew over things for days or even bring them up years later. Case in point: My father bought her a beautiful set of luggage for Christmas one year. She had hinted that she’d like a specific red set. He bought it—in beige. He explained that he thought she’d tire of red so he chose a neutral color. She graciously thanked him and hated the luggage for years. She never told him but occasionally brought it up to me for the next 30 years. I was determined not to follow in her footsteps. From the beginning of our marriage, whenever my feelings were hurt, we talked until the issue was settled. Sometimes we were up until the early morning hours. Sometimes he fell asleep as I explained (for the umpteenth time) how he’d hurt me. Sometimes he’d apologize saying, “I’m sorry for whatever I did.” Not good enough. I needed him to understand. He’d say, “All I said was...” but he didn’t understand why that hurt. When he finally understood how what he had said was sarcastic or hurtful, we could go to sleep in peace.

    This might sound mean and selfish on my part but I wanted us to really be a team. It didn’t happen often. I remember one time that he turned it on me. He said I’d hurt his feelings and I said, “No I didn’t. You don’t have feelings.” I meant that he wasn’t overly sensitive. But that night our long discussion ended up with us agreeing that if one of us said we were hurt, then we were HURT and that needed addressing.

    For years now, an argument takes only a few minutes. We know that a moment of frustration or being tired can make us speak sharply and often the guilty one apologizes right away
    or the other just lets it go.

    You said the same thing with fewer words and in a much more entertaining way.

    Rosie Dee

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    1. LOL! Your mom sound like my mom. But maybe I should have been more like you and made my feelings know through out our marriage.

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  5. Hi, PK! I have been in migraine hell and am just now coming out of it the past 2 days. I don't think I yelled at anyone during that time, but I felt like everything and everyone was too loud for me! HA!

    It's a big deal that you yelled at Nick because you're usually tight lipped as you explained, but I'm glad you got it off your chest, gave it right back to him, and then neither of you walked around mad for days. Good!

    When's the make up sex? :) Hugs! Windy

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    1. It really worked out great. Too busy for the other this past weekend.

      Hope you're feeling better!

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  6. This story made me laugh a little as well as want to pat you on the back. Good for you. Yes, this has happened to us too. The difference is that I am the one that needs to control my temper more than Sam. TTWD has helped enormously with that little problem.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. I'm very grateful that neither Nick nor I have a real temper. It's scary for me to see an adult lose control and I'd hate to live with him if he did.

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  7. Good for you. Never of us have a temper, but on occasion when we are doing jobs together (like you) and I don't get what he wants me to do, he does shout.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. It's frustrating isn't it? I mean we're there - we're trying to help, do they think we don't want to understand?

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  8. Deena9:48 PM

    Can't say I remember a time when I yelled at him. I grew up with a yelling parent and pretty much decided at a young age that this would not be me. That being said, I sure have wanted to! Usually when he is fussing at me for not understanding him - much like this scenario! Perhaps I should rethink my strategy ;)


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    1. Also, I went to your Reading Room page but couldn't leave a message in reply to what type of book I like to read. So I'm adding it here:

      As I am plowing through the Cassie books, I can say in all honesty they are just such fun to read! She exhausts me and he frustrates the heck out of me but there's a part of me that wishes I had her spunk and there's a part of me that admires him for his consistency and complete devotion.

      It's also incredibly uplifting to read about a strong marriage that has some conflict but there is absolutely no doubt of the love between them. Writing about mutual love, honor, and commitment to marriage is lacking in so many novels these days. I'm glad I have a place to get lost in stories like these.

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    2. You and I both decided not to yell at our husbands. Not a bad plan - but in this incident, it was called for and it worked!

      I'm so glad you like the books I want them to be realistic - so my characters are sometimes unreasonable, funny, mad, hurt, embarrassed... everything in real life. I really like the idea of my readers laughing and crying somewhere in the book.

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  9. I don't know...let you know if and when it happens... :-)
    My husband and I are very similar in that we really don't argue. Sometimes I wish I could...because maybe he would hear me better. But that is another story. :-) Hugs to you

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    1. I know - our marriages are very much alike and they are great. That's not to say a little yelling and arguing couldn't help it a little.

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