I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, October 14, 2019

My thoughts on spanking, sex and 'the lifestyle'


Where does it all go? Remember back to when you were dating. Did you just gradually fall in love or did it hit you all at once? I can
tell you nearly to the minute when I fell in love with Nick. It wasn’t right away. It took time. But when it happened it was all consuming. The day after I realized it was love, I headed off on trip with my parents that had been long planned. I couldn’t shut up about him. I tried but I just couldn’t seem to help myself. I remember catching my parents sharing a glance and I realized they knew too and that I had found ‘the one.’

But we all know that while love deepens and strengthens over the years into something wonderful – it simply can’t remain at that ‘new love’ intensity for thirty, forty or more years. I suppose the same can be said for the lifestyle so many of us crave. For many of us women this lifestyle was such a long-held, deep, dark secret. I held so tightly to this secret that NO one else knew for nearly fifty years. I knew by the age of three or four, and I remember making up my first spanking story around the age of four.

But finally after twenty-three years of marriage I came out of my closet and told Nick. 

WOW!

He was as happy and enthusiastic as I could have ever wanted. The change in each of us – the change in our marriage was almost indescribable. Our sex life was wild and wonderful! We talked and experimented and reveled in the renewal of our love for one another. I was spanked hard and often! It was like I’d stepped through the looking glass! During those first two year, with his help I lost forty pounds. I looked and felt like a new woman.

But just like when you first fall in love, the intensity can’t maintain. His interest would drift, but thanks to the blog and the friends I had here at the time, I kept talking  to him. Kept trying to explain what I so desperately needed and the longing for true consistency. He’d try again and it would be better for a time and then again it would drift. It’s wasn’t that Nick was against the lifestyle, he just never completely understood it. And he didn’t crave it as I did. For him it was something fun we did, not a lifestyle. But we did give it a great effort. We kept starting and stopping for nearly a dozen years. I loved the highs when it was ‘working’ but the lows, when it stopped got to be too much to deal with. In the end, I had to deal with the truth: I wanted the lifestyle and he wanted the game.



Finally I had to acknowledge the change in me. I don't want it anymore, not in real life. It’s surprises me. But there it is. If he were to read this and come to me telling me he truly wants to try again. I would lovingly and respectfully tell him, no. And that’s a hard thing to admit to myself. If Nick asks to  play some afternoon, I'd go along, but it will only be the game.


I’m a spanko. I was born that way and I’ll die that way. I can’t change that any more than I can change my sexual orientation or race. I don’t want to change it. But who I am and what I do are two different things. I guess it wasn’t the best thing for me to grow up with Cassie in my head. I wanted her lifestyle. Not her husband. Let me repeat – NOT her husband. I do love Tom, as Cassie’s husband. But what I wanted was her lifestyle, not her man. I love the man I have. Not being the wild woman Cassie is, I wouldn’t have had to deal with a serious, hard spanking very often. But the consistency, the closeness that I know TTWD can bring, I wanted that. 

Now before this gets depressing and you feel sad for me – don’t. This foray into the world of TTWD improved my marriage considerably. We are way better off than if we had never tried it. We are closer, we are more comfortable with one another and I’d definitely say we’re happier than we were before we tried.  Mostly I don’t want to discourage anyone from giving it a shot. I know many, many couples who have
made this work. And each and every one of their relationship are different, individual. As for us, everything in our marriage is better than before. The fact that we don’t live the lifestyle doesn’t mean that trying it for so long didn’t help us. Our lives are better for the experience.

My spanko interest have now turned to my books and talking with other spankos – in various stages of their journeys. I understand every bit of the journey and I love to email and talk with others. I’ve chosen to keep writing my ‘spanko-sex’ blog although it contains few posts on either. As I’ve said before, I write here because I enjoy it. It’s my online diary, my clearing house for my thought and the place where I’ve made so many, many  friends. Knowing this, I hope you'll still come by to read.

22 comments:

  1. Hi PK, I can so relate to this. So many stops and starts and highs and lows.

    As you know, we haven't practiced ttwd for some years now but as you said,many of the benefits we gained from ttwd remain. We are closer, happy and communication is so much better than when we began. Of course there is still room for some occasional play :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. I knew you would really be able to understand all of this. I think we have both learned to appreciate what we got from the experience even if the dream didn't exactly work out as we'd hoped.

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  2. Oh PK,

    I will miss your insight Ms. PK. I hope the blog remains because I look back and re-read many blogs from the beginning. But I understand with a sad heart.

    Hugs
    Boo

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    1. I'm not sad, and I'm staying for now. I enjoy talking to other spankos. I want to continue to encourage them. Others may well make their dreams come true.

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  3. PK,
    Your posts will always lead the way. You are my ttwd blog whisperer. I really liked this post. Remember I have seen you in action passing out your cards and encouraging people to read your books. Your ttwd is on a tangent right now. This thing we do evolves always. Keep the faith here.
    Meredith

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    1. Tangents can be helpful, can't they. I'd rather be happy about my writing and my friends than worry about things not being exactly as I'd hoped at one time.

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  4. Evolve, it's what we do. As you well know, Ray and I reached this stage a couple of years ago. As you said, our life is better for have given it a half-hearted try. Change is growth and I'd like to think we have grown some rather than have just gotten old.

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    1. I like your thinking. We gave it a good effort and we're better off for it. That's a pretty good outcome.

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  5. PK,
    This is a powerful post. I wonder how many couples stay in this for the long hall. Is that why they stop blogging because the spanking stopped? We've had lots of starts and stops due to things beyond our control such as health issues. We have finally been able to really try to truly live ttwd for the past year and have recently gained enough privacy to iron out the wrinkles...wrinkles on my rear. HA! I do understand why you're finally at the point of "just no." And if it works out better for you living ttwd through your imagination and writing, then I am glad you are at peace with it all. Thanks for the thought provoking post. Hugs, Windy

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    1. I think this is why some stop blogging. They think they have nothing to say anymore. Me? I can't hush, I still have the ideas and thoughts of a spanking. They don't go away. So I'm staying. And giggling over your wrinkly butt!

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  6. Deena6:22 PM

    I am a strong believer in "no size fits all" (probably because I have an adult child with a significant disability). I also believe we never know what is around the corner so we may as well embrace the "now."

    You've been one of the wonderful bloggers who has inspired me to communicate more with my hubby and that has improved our relationship beyond measure. The ttwd lifestyle for us has been a blessing in disguise on many levels - but it is our own version - not one I've seen or read about, but rather one that we have found to enhance our relationship and make us more solid as a couple.

    Thank you so very much for your honest blog and your books (just finished #6 of the Cassie series)> Will always stop here!

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    1. It took me a while to embrace 'now.' But you're right, that what I think I've finally done.

      'Your way' is how TTWD should work - no one can tell you how to do it. But it helps so much when we can talk and discuss it out here on the blogs.

      It excites me when you tell me you're reading the books. My books are like my kids and I love everyone of them - but if you've enjoyed the first six books I can't wait for you to get to the last four!

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  7. PK,
    This was really written from the heart, my friend. And I don't know that it is all that surprising. You are so right. This decision to end the back and forth, the hoping and the disappointment, is yours to make, and I'm really proud you did.

    Your realization that although the journey didn't end up where you thought it would, your relationship with Nick was the better for it is the biggest revelation in this post. It makes me so happy for you and for others that are in the same place. What a loving way to look at it. It makes me smile to know that if Sam and I ever have a reason to change where we are, I have such loving reassurances that it can be the best thing to do.

    Love and Hugs,
    Ella

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    1. Thanks Ella, I'm in a good place and while I want everyone to strive for what they want in TTWD - they need to know that there are ups and downs and it's fine for stop for a while or even to stop fully. For me and the people I know in real life out here, none of us have regretted giving it a try.

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  8. I enjoyed the blog today. You sound different from other times when you were fed up and wanted to just give up. I’ve always felt very sad when you expressed those feelings. You sound good this time. Solid and balanced. Even satisfied and appreciative for all that you and Nick have been through.

    Reading through the whole blog was quite a ride. You wrote about a wonderful love affair that you had with your own husband. It was exciting. You could write a wonderful book using it as an outline. I know Returning to Us was partly that. But the blog was raw and immediate and so helpful. Your openness and honesty along the way are what kept me reading.

    It’s interesting that you said that you wanted Cassie’s lifestyle but not her husband. The truth is Tom is a fantasy and only Cassie needed a man like him. Part of the reason I love her is that she never really grew up. She says and does things a lot of us would have liked to try. But we grew up and married and raised children and have to be responsible people. We can’t be Cassie so Tom wouldn’t be “Tom” with us.

    My husband is a naturally dominant man but he never wants to really hurt me. Don’t we all complain that they stop too soon? There is an ebb and flow with this lifestyle but I think it’s true for most couples. We were the fortunate ones to have found something exciting in mid-life that will enhance the rest of our lives together whether it’s “for real” or just for play.

    We’re still out of commission with our recent medical issues but I hope to get back to playing soon. The last year or so has been mostly play and I love that. Sometimes it’s not easy to find naughty things to do at this age, you know?

    I hope you continue to like blogging and writing books. You’ve added a lot to my life and helped me be comfortable in my own skin.

    I posted this for Rosie Dee, who can't post here for some reason.

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    1. Rosie Dee!
      You’re so right. I’m not sad. Of course nothing has really changed over this last year or so, it’s been my reality for quite a while. I was worried about letting people down. But I’ve always tried to be honest here and I felt it was time to let everyone know.

      You have good understanding of Cassie her life is different from ours. I’ll always enjoy her life, but I can’t lose sight of enjoying my own.

      It’s good to know I’ve help you feel more comfortable in your skin. I hope all of us feel better for being out here.

      I’m so glad your health issues are improving. Your help with my writing cannot be overstated!

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  9. Life sure throws some curve balls at us doesn’t it, having these needs and needing to satisfy them somehow. It sounds like you really have a handle on this and have found your way to do just that. You have a wonderful guy and your relationship has obviously deepened with every step you’ve taken, ttwd or not, treasure it every which way.
    I love your honesty here, and with every post you write, thank you for continuing to do so, reading here is important to me. :))

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    1. I really appreciate that, Laurel. I do have a great husband and I know it. And writing here is also very important to me. I definitely like in my head too much. This give it a chance to spill out and talk with others.

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  10. Anonymous11:34 PM

    Ill still come and read because I have gotten to know you this way and enjoy whatever you write about. This is life, change is life. Just because you and Nick may no longer be active this way doesnt mean you dont have anything else to share along this journey. Enjoy this new aspect of your lives and marriage.

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    1. I'm really glad you read here, Wynter. I still need people who understand the desire. You're right change is going to happen whether we want it or not. We have to go with the flow and see what happens.

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  11. I've only discovered your blog recently, so haven't followed your journey. But thank you for your honesty here.

    It took me a long time to tell my husband my secret, and it's taken me almost as long again to work out what I want from TTWD and how it fits into my marriage. I like the fun/erotic side of it, and I also find it great for stress relief.

    But the idea of a DD lifestyle hasn't appealed for a long time now, not even in my fantasies.

    Again, I appreciate your honesty on this, and will continue to dip into your blog occasionally.




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    1. Please come by anytime. It's strange how our feelings can change and I know it has to be confusing for our husbands. But being honest with ourselves is something we had to do. It took me a long time. I kept chasing something that wasn't going to happen. We have to realize that not everything is going to happen as we'd hoped or expected.

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