Where does it all go? Remember back to when you were dating. Did you just gradually fall in love or did it hit you all at once? I cantell you nearly to the minute when I fell in love with Nick. It wasn’t right away. It took time. But when it happened it was all consuming. The day after I realized it was love, I headed off on trip with my parents that had been long planned. I couldn’t shut up about him. I tried but I just couldn’t seem to help myself. I remember catching my parents sharing a glance and I realized they knew too and that I had found ‘the one.’
But we all know that while love deepens and strengthens over the years into something wonderful – it simply can’t remain at that ‘new love’ intensity for thirty, forty or more years. I suppose the same can be said for the lifestyle so many of us crave. For many of us women this lifestyle was such a long-held, deep, dark secret. I held so tightly to this secret that NO one else knew for nearly fifty years. I knew by the age of three or four, and I remember making up my first spanking story around the age of four.
But finally after twenty-three years of marriage I came out of my closet and told Nick.
He was as happy and enthusiastic as I could have ever wanted. The change in each of us – the change in our marriage was almost indescribable. Our sex life was wild and wonderful! We talked and experimented and reveled in the renewal of our love for one another. I was spanked hard and often! It was like I’d stepped through the looking glass! During those first two year, with his help I lost forty pounds. I looked and felt like a new woman.
But just like when you first fall in love, the intensity can’t maintain. His interest would drift, but thanks to the blog and the friends I had here at the time, I kept talking to him. Kept trying to explain what I so desperately needed and the longing for true consistency. He’d try again and it would be better for a time and then again it would drift. It’s wasn’t that Nick was against the lifestyle, he just never completely understood it. And he didn’t crave it as I did. For him it was something fun we did, not a lifestyle. But we did give it a great effort. We kept starting and stopping for nearly a dozen years. I loved the highs when it was ‘working’ but the lows, when it stopped got to be too much to deal with. In the end, I had to deal with the truth: I wanted the lifestyle and he wanted the game.
Finally I had to acknowledge the change in me. I don't want it anymore, not in real life. It’s surprises me. But there it is. If he were to read this and come to me telling me he truly wants to try again. I would lovingly and respectfully tell him, no. And that’s a hard thing to admit to myself. If Nick asks to play some afternoon, I'd go along, but it will only be the game.
I’m a spanko. I was born that way and I’ll die that way. I can’t change that any more than I can change my sexual orientation or race. I don’t want to change it. But who I am and what I do are two different things. I guess it wasn’t the best thing for me to grow up with Cassie in my head. I wanted her lifestyle. Not her husband. Let me repeat – NOT her husband. I do love Tom, as Cassie’s husband. But what I wanted was her lifestyle, not her man. I love the man I have. Not being the wild woman Cassie is, I wouldn’t have had to deal with a serious, hard spanking very often. But the consistency, the closeness that I know TTWD can bring, I wanted that.
Now before this gets depressing and you feel sad for me – don’t. This foray into the world of TTWD improved my marriage considerably. We are way better off than if we had never tried it. We are closer, we are more comfortable with one another and I’d definitely say we’re happier than we were before we tried. Mostly I don’t want to discourage anyone from giving it a shot. I know many, many couples who havemade this work. And each and every one of their relationship are different, individual. As for us, everything in our marriage is better than before. The fact that we don’t live the lifestyle doesn’t mean that trying it for so long didn’t help us. Our lives are better for the experience.
My spanko interest have now turned to my books and talking with other spankos – in various stages of their journeys. I understand every bit of the journey and I love to email and talk with others. I’ve chosen to keep writing my ‘spanko-sex’ blog although it contains few posts on either. As I’ve said before, I write here because I enjoy it. It’s my online diary, my clearing house for my thought and the place where I’ve made so many, many friends. Knowing this, I hope you'll still come by to read.