I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Friday, December 07, 2018

We're seeing TTWD differently (part 3)

Here at my first two post in this series. Post 1, post 2.

The second thing Nick said to me during our attempt to talk was, “It seems that what you want keeps changing.” 

That was a real shocker to me too. After giving that a lot of thought
I began to understand how he could have perceived it that way – but it’s not true. All I’ve ever wanted, since puberty, was a man who would make a few rules. Not many, not about every little detail, but about a few things he cared enough about to hold me accountable and spank me when I didn’t follow through with what he said. That’s it. That’s never changed. That would have been enough to satisfy my desire to be submissive. I’ve said before Nick and I don’t fight, we really don’t. We agree on most things and neither of us has to have their way or even the last word. I don’t get ill tempered and snippy and said hateful rude things to him. So none of those issues were ever part of our DD.

I think I know where Nick might be coming from – in thinking that my desires have changed over the years, is that I’ve tried to explain in in a million different ways. I might have given different suggestions or scenarios of how this might have worked in our lives. I’ve suggested him making a few firm rules, I’ve suggested maintenance, keeping a ‘list’ of my transgressions, and many, many more ideas. But as I see it, as I truly believe, what I wanted and what I asked for has never changed. If anyone were to read back on the blog over these twelve years I think they’d see that. 

In the answering email I told Nick:  

I know we saw DD from two completely different points of view. One rule we decided on – no clean laundry left out more than twenty-four hours – seemed reasonable. I did better about getting it put away. But I’d slip up and you’d spank me for it and I’d work hard to do better. Sadly bad habits are harder to break than good habits are to form so in few weeks I’d slip up again and leave the clothes sitting there.  

Your head logically said, “I told her to get these put away. I spanked her when she didn’t and here she’s done it again. Obviously, spanking doesn’t work.” 

My head, just as logically said, “I forgot again, but he didn’t spank me this time. Obviously he never really cared about me following the rule to begin with.”

Sounds like the beginning of a bad sitcom. 

Many of my friends here have this firmly established in their marriage. But if you’re feeling like it’s not, maybe ask your guy two questions. 

First ask him to tell you how he understand it all – if you’ve been telling him what you want, ask him to say it back to you so you’ll understand what he’s hearing. It may not be what you think you’re saying.

And the second thing – and I’m afraid I’m guilty of not asking this one – ask him what he’s getting from TTWD and what he really wants. 

I’m still musing, so please come back.


  1. Ah Ms.PK,

    You have clearly shown again how hard DD (and life/marriage) can be.

    You also clearly have taken the time to see the other side (Nick's). How much you must love him.

    I hope you keep talking and growing. It is hard, but I think so very worth it!

    I believe in you!

    1. We'll definitely keep working. When you love one another there is nothing else to do. I guess as I look around at many 'old' couples I know I want to be as the senior President Bush and Barbara were.

  2. I'm thinking your last musing statement is a most critical component in your discussions, PK ... what does Nick get out of ttwd and what does he want. I hope he truly gives an answer from his heart and that, in advance, you realize it might not be the answer you want ... In saying this, I am thinking back to my reading of Anton Fulmen's book The Heart of Dominance ... and in particular, a section called the Reluctant Dominant ... in summary, he says sometimes dominance really just isn't someone's 'thing' and that's okay. On the other side, as a writer of spanking/ttwd fiction and long long time spanko, you most likely have very specific ideas in your mind as to what works for you ... if both these scenarios are in play here, it might be a hard task to bridge the gap.

    As I said in an earlier comment ... I wish with all my heart you both can find a way (and know that way may have to be a compromise) and whatever it is you land on, is sustainable ... hugs ... nj

    1. Boy you hit the nail on the head! Neither Nick nor I have ever had to worry about the other being faithful - it's a true certainty. But in a way Nick is jealous of Cassie's 'Tom'. And while I understand, it's still silly. Tom is perfect for Cassie, I'd kill him if I were married to him.

  3. Hi, PK! Thanks for sharing here with us. I hope all the writing is helping you and Nick process and communicate to the point where you are not just hearing one another, but really "listening." I like the idea of repeating to one another what we think they just said. Keep talking! Hugs! Windy

    1. It's a good plan, but devilishly hard!

  4. Hi PK,
    I'm really loving this whole discussion. It's so hard to talk about something that embarrasses us. Emailing is working for you. For us, it's talking in the dark at night. Through the years I've gotten more 'honest' about what I need. There's a little girl inside of me sometimes but not always. Most of the time I'm really happy with sexy, erotic spankings but once in a while I need it to be more serious. He gets it now! And he knows I want the 'play' ones with sex so he tries to find any little thing I said or did during the day to make up a 'reason' for it. Sometimes, it's for 'love' because he can't think of anything else. I used to not like that but I finally realized that I was making this poor man work too hard! We are all so complicated. Mostly we're all hopefully learning that we need to really LISTEN and HONESTLY talk. Sounds like you and Nick are doing that now. I'm not sure I'm saying anything correctly here. I've got so many thoughts running in my head. Please keep sharing.
    Rosie Dee

    1. We are making the attempt. I think I could talk in the dark of the night too. Whispering my needs while being held in his arms - sadly for both of us real life issues of hearing loss makes that impossible. But emailing seems to be working for us.

  5. Deena8:08 PM

    Hi PK. I took your advice and had a chat with my guy. It was super awkward but well worth it and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing all that you have.

    With that said, I am not a very good "give advice" kind of gal. I just wanted to stop by again to offer my support and tell you that I admire how committed you two are to figuring things out. With that sort of commitment I imagine you will find a way to make things work so that you both get what you need. Look at how far you've come! You now know this has been a huge miscommunication (for whatever reason) so now you can figure out the next steps. So technically, this is all kind of sucky but very wonderful at the same time.

    Wishes to you for continued emails with great communication as well as musings that bring you to a comfortable place.

    1. You really put it very well when you said it's 'kind of sucky but wonderful at the same time.' I really hate we've lost time and as we've matured (I hate to say gotten older) submission is harder to realize. Although I don't know that the DD lifestyle is the best for really young couples - women need to experience their independence before they can offer the gift of submission - I still wish I'd discussed all this when I was in my 30's rather than waiting until I was nearly 50.

    2. Could not relate more to this. I also wish we did not waste so many years - especially because I now know how beneficial this could have been in about a zillion ways back then. Yet here we are so live in the moment and forward we go, yes?

    3. Hindsight is always 20/20. All we can do now is hope younger women with the desire will read our word and take the plunge earlier.

  6. Hi PK,

    Thank you so much for sharing this series of posts with us. I know they will be very helpful to many. This post again shows how difficult ttwd can be to navigate and how easily misunderstandings occur.

    I'm so glad you and Nick are working through things and communicating and hope writing here is also helping you.


    1. I'm glad we're trying to understand each other better, but going back is not possible so we'll have to find a way forward.