I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, December 05, 2018

The spanking lifestyle examined (Part 2)

I began this attempt to examine the spanking lifestyle back Here if you'd like to begin at the beginning.

What could it have been that Nick mentioned in our talk that left me so surprised.  It sounds simple enough when I type it, but it was like it went in my ear and kept burring itself deeper and deeper. 

What he said was: I never really believed that you actually wanted the lifestyle – maybe in fantasy, but not the real thing. Thinking back on it and knowing just how much I’d wanted it, I was stunned. 

This was what I said in the email I sent him:

I made up my first spanking story at the age of four.  By thirteen they were sexual fantasies and for decades the intense longing was there. It was ‘taboo’ and I knew that. I never planned on sharing this weirdness, this need to be submissive (or at least try) with you. But through strange twists and turns I found the blogs and got the courage to come out to you. I figured forty-five years was long enough to hold onto my secret.

I was scared to death to tell you but to my utter amazement you were willing to give it a try. I was in seventh heaven! I might have been close to fifty, but I felt like I was a young woman again at the beginning of a new life. Almost immediately our sex life when from fine to amazing! We were open with one another for the first time. We talked all the time, often in whispers because of the kids, but we talked. You read the blogs of my friends. Reading that, yes, there were others with these desires who lived the lifestyle and loved it.

 You were spanking hard and often and I reveled in it. It was then that I began sleeping in the nude and let go of the curly perm – because I wanted you to see the change, I wanted there to be an outward tangible sign of this new lifestyle and I wanted you to know how much I loved and embraced it. I walked around school with a stupid grin on my face causing some to wonder if I was having an affair! Knowing that you weren’t a disciplinarian at heart, I tried to hook you by asking you to help with weight loss, because I knew you cared about that. And with your help in those first two years, I lost forty pounds.

Tell me honey, what more could I have done to make you believe me?

Learning that he’s never really believed I wanted all this was crushing in a way. It felt like a loss opportunity that could never be retrieved. But as it gradually worked its way through my mind I think I understood.

Nick lived a vanilla life for fifty years. He was taught – and firmly believed – that men and women were  equal and that he had no right whatsoever to boss me around or tell me what to do, much less punish me if I didn’t do as he said. He had a wife of nearly twenty-five years who had never for one minute given him reason to think she felt any differently. Then out of the blue comes this request for a DD lifestyle.

Think of how it must have sounded to him. “Honey I want you to set rules for me – most anything you like. I want you to be the boss and if I don’t do as you say I want you to spank me, I mean really spank me.” 

And I wondered why he didn’t believe me.

I let him know it was a sexual fantasy and he probably didn’t hear much past that. He treated it as a wonderful sexy fun and never realize how much more it was to me. I thought I was making myself understood, but clearly I wasn’t.

This isn’t a one-sided post,  as in Shame on Nick for not believing me. I did the same thing. He’s told me at various times over the past twelve years that he would like to know what I’m thinking and feeling. I’ve never believed him, and rarely shared either with him.

I think if you hooked each of us to a lie detector you see our basic beliefs haven’t changed. I still don’t think Nick believes I wanted the lifestyle. (And at this point in our lives, I probably don't.) And I still don’t think he wants to have to slog through emails of my feelings and emotions. (He says he does, but in his head I feel him thinking, Damn – can’t we just do some of this for the sexy fun of it and leave all this confusing feelings and emotions out of it?) Maybe we both need our butts kicked for not believing one another.

Is there a moral to this post? Maybe.

If for some reason you feel in any way that your significant other doesn’t believe this is what you want, and you know it is. You need to take his face in your hand and tell him again, even if it’s worked well for years. For those of you newer participants you may need to acknowledge that it might be hard for him to understand. But make sure he knows you at least want to give it a try. Tell him you’ll let him know if it’s too much and if changes are needed. But please, please tell him he needs to believe what you’re telling him. Don’t wait over a decade to realize he didn’t believe the DD lifestyle was what you wanted.

More to come…


  1. Hi PK, I just love the way you and Nick are communicating.

    Wow, lots of lessons for you both, and for us readers out of this exchange. It's so easy to second guess each other and assume we know what they are thinking.

    This can't have been easy but now you have that understanding of each others perspective I hope you can now make you way forward together.


    1. I feel we'll be 'talking' for a while. I got two emails from him today. It's been interesting.

  2. Oh my gosh PK!

    I swear you and I are the same person! I think Nick and the Sheriff are the same person too!

    I am glad that you guys are still talking. Emotions suck! But I am glad you are analyzing things. I am sending hugs because of the hurt you clearly express.

    Thank you for the wisdom you share!

    Hugs and positive energy and thoughts to you!

    1. Boo, I think there must me a lot of the same person out here. I know I've read many posts where I felt like they must have been reading my thoughts. There are a couple more post along these lines. You may see yourself again.

  3. Well, PK, this may be the most important post that I have ever read here at New Beginnings. And a lesson learned to share with others that yearn for a REAL ttwd relationship. I think it is important that he understands this was a part of you from the very beginning. Repeat this to him from time to time. I think that is good advice for all of us, not just your Nick. They were not born with this as part of their psyche, and they need a lot of help to "Get it."

    The posts you are writing are so powerful. I shiver and get a tear in my eye to know that Nick might finally understand. I hope he reads everything you write and all the comments.


    1. It all very real here. And I'm glad we've talked but how he's not the only one confused about what's going on. I'm not sure of exactly what I want now.

  4. thank-you for sharing your heartfelt and open post. You don't need a lie detector test for me to understand...then again, I also knew from childhood that I craved this...where for our husbands it was only introduced to them through our own expression of our desires. Maybe there is light. I hope you keep communicating. You are a lovely couple and you can see the love shine through no matter what. Hugs to you

    1. Sometimes I turn it around and wonder if they had come to us with such a request. How might we have reacted. But I like that we are talking.

  5. This sounds like a big breakthrough for both of you, PK! :) Maybe it is a reminder for you too, for those times that out of frustration, you tell Nick that maybe you don't want it after all. Well yes, you do! Now he can understand better. You both can better understand each other. That is a giant step forward!

    I too can see that love shining through! You both will find your way to where you both want to be. I just know it! Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

    1. I love him madly and I know he loves me - no doubts there. And we will definitely move forward, but I'm not positive of the direction.

  6. Deena6:06 PM

    Whoa, thank you for sharing this. This is such an important post to share because honestly, it never occurred to me that perhaps my guy is thinking as yours has been. It's certainly possible. Huh. I guess this is one of those Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus moments :0

    I'm so very interested in the next part. Now you both have a more clear understanding of one another's perception. FYI, an ex-boss used to say "perception is reality." In this case, she was right.

    I still wish the guys had a place to go to be educated and get support from other guys without being embarrassed. If you told me a few years ago I'd be chatting with women about this I would have looked at you like you had 100 heads! Now I'm still learning how to talk about this with my husband without wanting to hide under the covers! I love that you two email. It wouldn't work for us - too much gets lost on him with the written word.

    As always, thank you for sharing. You truly cannot imagine how helpful your words and experiences have been. I hope so much that things smooth out now that there is a more clear understanding. Adding my hugs to everyone else's ;)

    1. I'm so glad you feel this is helping. You're right it would be great if they had a group to talk to. As you roam around blogland maybe you could print off some post that you could discuss together - but it might give you a starting point. Thanks for being here.

  7. Anonymous6:30 PM

    Your sharing is poignant to read and I am sure hard to live at times. Although you find it really difficult to speak directly to him. he loves you and that always sounds to be like what needs to happen all the time. It is hard to talk it out, but he loves you and he is your guy. Talk to him again and again and agina and .........

    1. If I can make myself talk - in what ever form, I know he will listen and understand as best he can.

  8. PK,
    I believe you do want this, but that you're afraid to say so because you're afraid he won't believe you again. If you do choose to say it, keep saying it even when he doesn't get it. Our guys are really willing to try to meet this need, but we do absolutely have to keep talking. TTWD communication is a lot of work just like in a completely vanilla marriage. Keep writing to your man as he does seem to be asking and paying attention. Sorry for the delay in response here. I emailed you last night and addressed this and thought that it was here that I said some things, but I was wrong! Sorry! Rough couple of days here. Hugs! Windy

    1. There is a lot of truth in your first sentence. It so hard because I've been trying to talk myself out of it for years now. Very confusing. Always love hearing from you here or there.

  9. Anonymous9:59 AM

    The females are more open about their desires. Dating found that even spankings was something some females wanted. They enjoyed being naughty, and have told me not all males will spank. I have had this deep down desire to be spanked and I mean spanked. I for no other reason got tired of dating my own age and in my mid 20's stated dating older women, 5, 10, 15 years older. Enjoyed it, less games. It was with a particular lady, about 10 years older would mention spankings, always after something I had done, nothing happened. I did not know what would happen if I forced this, had no idea. Spending the week with her, I was going to do it. One morning laying there, I asked why she would mention spankings. She smiled, males sometime act like little boys and just a saying. I said so if I was naughty you would spank me. Maybe she said and notice I was getting erect. We spent most of the morning in bed. A couple of days later, I walked into the kitchen naked, she turned, smiled, and said do I need to get my hairbrush young man, maybe I said, and turned to leave. I was shocked she grabbed my arm and I was soon across her lap and feeling the sting of her hand. Is this what you wanted, not so hard I said, oh this is not hard and pulled me to my feet. She took me to the bedroom, grabbed the hairbrush off the dresser, sat on the bed and over her lap I went. That hairbrush stung, and I was squirming, kicking, please no more, too late young man, you asked about spankings, well your getting one. She finally stopped, and said back to the kitchen, I went to put on my underpants, leave them and in the kitchen we went. I was given a scolding, said you asked for a spanking and this will not be the last, understand. I was told to face the wall and after fifteen minutes she handed me my underpants, said time for breakfast and a pillow was on my chair. Later I enjoyed the spanking, and yes she did spank me other times. This male wanted to be spanked and did not know if he could go though it. I'm glad I did. Females enjoy a spanking, some, and some males enjoy being spanked and I mean a spanking, no sexual thing, a true spanking, I'm one such male.

    1. Anon,
      I’m so glad you took the time to read and comment here. Since most of my fellow bloggers and writers are women, we forget that the desire is perfectly normal for some men too. Over the years I’ve heard from several men who are on the receiving end of a spanking and they seem quite happy with their situations. ‘Society’ would probably give you a hard time, but ‘society’ thinks we all crazy anyway.

      You are welcome to read and comment here any time. Throw in a fake name so I’ll know it’s you. Have you ever thought of writing your experience up as a story? Whether you use your actual experiences or things you’ve fantasied about I would love to add it to our Fantasy Friday stories should you want to give it a try.