The spanking lifestyle examined (Part 2)

I began this attempt to examine the spanking lifestyle back Here if you'd like to begin at the beginning.

What could it have been that Nick mentioned in our talk that left me so surprised.  It sounds simple enough when I type it, but it was like it went in my ear and kept burring itself deeper and deeper. 

What he said was: I never really believed that you actually wanted the lifestyle – maybe in fantasy, but not the real thing. Thinking back on it and knowing just how much I’d wanted it, I was stunned. 

This was what I said in the email I sent him:

I made up my first spanking story at the age of four.  By thirteen they were sexual fantasies and for decades the intense longing was there. It was ‘taboo’ and I knew that. I never planned on sharing this weirdness, this need to be submissive (or at least try) with you. But through strange twists and turns I found the blogs and got the courage to come out to you. I figured forty-five years was long enough to hold onto my secret.

I was scared to death to tell you but to my utter amazement you were willing to give it a try. I was in seventh heaven! I might have been close to fifty, but I felt like I was a young woman again at the beginning of a new life. Almost immediately our sex life when from fine to amazing! We were open with one another for the first time. We talked all the time, often in whispers because of the kids, but we talked. You read the blogs of my friends. Reading that, yes, there were others with these desires who lived the lifestyle and loved it.

 You were spanking hard and often and I reveled in it. It was then that I began sleeping in the nude and let go of the curly perm – because I wanted you to see the change, I wanted there to be an outward tangible sign of this new lifestyle and I wanted you to know how much I loved and embraced it. I walked around school with a stupid grin on my face causing some to wonder if I was having an affair! Knowing that you weren’t a disciplinarian at heart, I tried to hook you by asking you to help with weight loss, because I knew you cared about that. And with your help in those first two years, I lost forty pounds.

Tell me honey, what more could I have done to make you believe me?

Learning that he’s never really believed I wanted all this was crushing in a way. It felt like a loss opportunity that could never be retrieved. But as it gradually worked its way through my mind I think I understood.

Nick lived a vanilla life for fifty years. He was taught – and firmly believed – that men and women were  equal and that he had no right whatsoever to boss me around or tell me what to do, much less punish me if I didn’t do as he said. He had a wife of nearly twenty-five years who had never for one minute given him reason to think she felt any differently. Then out of the blue comes this request for a DD lifestyle.

Think of how it must have sounded to him. “Honey I want you to set rules for me – most anything you like. I want you to be the boss and if I don’t do as you say I want you to spank me, I mean really spank me.” 

And I wondered why he didn’t believe me.

I let him know it was a sexual fantasy and he probably didn’t hear much past that. He treated it as a wonderful sexy fun and never realize how much more it was to me. I thought I was making myself understood, but clearly I wasn’t.

This isn’t a one-sided post,  as in Shame on Nick for not believing me. I did the same thing. He’s told me at various times over the past twelve years that he would like to know what I’m thinking and feeling. I’ve never believed him, and rarely shared either with him.

I think if you hooked each of us to a lie detector you see our basic beliefs haven’t changed. I still don’t think Nick believes I wanted the lifestyle. (And at this point in our lives, I probably don't.) And I still don’t think he wants to have to slog through emails of my feelings and emotions. (He says he does, but in his head I feel him thinking, Damn – can’t we just do some of this for the sexy fun of it and leave all this confusing feelings and emotions out of it?) Maybe we both need our butts kicked for not believing one another.

Is there a moral to this post? Maybe.

If for some reason you feel in any way that your significant other doesn’t believe this is what you want, and you know it is. You need to take his face in your hand and tell him again, even if it’s worked well for years. For those of you newer participants you may need to acknowledge that it might be hard for him to understand. But make sure he knows you at least want to give it a try. Tell him you’ll let him know if it’s too much and if changes are needed. But please, please tell him he needs to believe what you’re telling him. Don’t wait over a decade to realize he didn’t believe the DD lifestyle was what you wanted.

More to come…