I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, December 10, 2018

So what is a spanking and when is it necessary (part 4)

*Snow update

We live in the south, for goodness sake! Each year we get our two or three snows of three to five inches and we’re happy with it. Often the next day will be in the 50’s so in the past I’d enjoy a snow day from school and then it was gone. Not this weekend. We got over a foot of snow! We haven’t had that much since Mollie was five months old – that’s twenty-six  years ago!

Nick, of course, felt he had to shovel the drive way right away. I heard all the stories of men dropping dead from heart attack so I kept a close eye on him. I needn’t have worried. He finished the drive and still had plenty of energy left over for a fun afternoon. I think the man is younger than he claims!  

I just wanted everyone to know we’re still having fun as I keep posting about my deep TTWD thoughts. Here’s the next post.

I’m on a roll now. Here’s parts one, two and three. It’s helping me and I figure if you’re bored you might not have come back today so I’m trudging on.

I know a problem for Nick and I’m sure many other men is knowing when to spank. Although we try to tell them what we expect and what we would like over all, I know many are still hesitant at times. Nick says he needs cues and I don’t like to give them.

I’ve been having a halfhearted contest with my sister on weight loss. I say halfhearted because when I’m winning I’m very enthusiastic and when the scales are more in her favor I tend to lose interest. I had shared the contest part with Nick.

This is what he wrote to me:

The last time we had much conversation we agreed to focus on health and weigh loss. I didn’t think either wanted me to be looking for picky things to nag about just for an excuse.  I asked for your help.  I told you that cues to know when you thought some spanking action was called for would be helpful.  You, as I understood it, would be in communication with your sister and compare your results and keep me posted.  I felt like a short update such as “She lost one pound this week and I gained .2 pounds,” would give me the cue that I needed.  You seemed ready with the meager spank count (and I am assuming you didn’t count card games or Utah, Arizona, etc) but can you recall how many times you gave me this info in which you were due consequences?

Sadly I couldn’t argue with much that he said – not that I didn’t want to. I could have said, "Well, why didn't you spank me for not giving you the information?" I guess while trying to ignore the truth in his email I tried to answer a minor point – that is, ‘what is a spanking?’

This is my attempt to tell him what think: 

Card games are fun and there is spanking involved, but no – that’s not ‘a spanking.’ It’s a fun game. What occurred on our vacation, in my mind, was a loving, enjoyed, and appreciated gesture of affection. A little ‘drive-by’ spanking that  comes as a fun surprise and I hope they’ll continue – but it’s not ‘a spanking.’

‘A Spanking’ needs some thought behind it to be effective. On your part and on mine. When it happens fast and unexpectedly it can be fun but not really effective. I haven’t even had time to think – then it’s over.

But back to his email points I told him:

You’re right about me not stepping up to do my part – I really haven’t. I’ve been hesitant about all this since before I tried to pull out back in March. I’m having huge fights between my head and my heart. 

My heart will always want the lifestyle. But my head tells my heart – get the hell over it! For the first six to eight years we tried this I went all with my heart. But for the last four years or so the head took over and that’s all I’ve heard. 

The part of me who wanted to try submission is nearly warn away. I probably wouldn’t have been that good at it anyway. But it did work at times – something else I bet you never believed. When you would say, “You can’t snack at school.” Or “No snacks after 9:00 PM” – I didn’t. It was that simple, it wasn’t a negotiation, it was a command. And no, it didn’t last without reinforcement but for me it felt easy, there was no debating in my head – you’d said no. Case closed. Would that work now? Probably not. That left with the wide-eyed optimism.

I know I could/should have given you cues. I know that I can ask for a spanking anytime – both for cause, I could tell on myself, or for stress relief or whatever. But for me asking for a spanking will always be the same as kissing a brother. What’s the point?

It’s like telling your husband over and over that you feel so special, so loved when he sends you flowers. That you get all mushy inside at this particular token of affection and that you eagerly look forward to the next delivery. But if he rarely sends flowers unless you text and say, ‘order flowers for me.’  Well, you can see it lose some of it charm. 

For the past few post I’ve gone over some of our problems in communication – from not communicating at all to not fulling understanding what the other  person is saying regarding their needs or wants. I’ve been able to see from many of your comments that Nick and I are not alone. But as I said when I began, things are better. The final post in this saga, Wednesday, I'll give you a current update.


  1. I've been out of the loop for awhile so I'm going to go with your last statement that things are better. I think all couples go through phases as does everything in the world. Ebb and flow, right? Looking forward to the Wednesday update. Amy

    1. Oh, I've just been rambling. It helps me. Yes, we're ebbing and flowing.

  2. Hi PK,

    Ooh, nothing like snow to encourage some indoor fun :) I'm glad you had a fun afternoon connecting.

    This is an awesome series of posts and touch on issues many of us have faced. You are definitely not alone.

    Knowing when to spank is definitely a big issue as it can lead to misunderstandings and potential hurt.

    I'm glad writing is helping and even more glad that things are better.


    1. I do think that, when to spank, has to be a hard thing for our guys to grasp. I know it's been hard for Nick.

  3. PK, Thank you for sharing these posts. So honest. TTWD can be so hard at times and yes we can easily misunderstand each other.

    It does make me happy that you are both communicating and working things out.

    Hope the snow doesn't last long.


    1. I'm happier too - but it really comes from me letting go of expectations.

  4. No matter what, you are still together and love each other and that is the 'bottom' line.

    1. The only line that matters.

  5. Ok, first the snow: no fair! I havent had that much snow in the Great White north! I am jealous!

    Now, the important part, holy! I am pretty sure, you looked inside my head! You are singing my song!

    But I am so glad, you guys are still talking out the hard stuff, and still playing with the fun stuff! I cant offer you anything other than my ear and for that I am sorry.

    1. I like to watch it snow - but this was more than we needed. I really think that all we spankos have very, very much in common. The best thing is knowing we're not alone.

  6. Anonymous4:54 PM

    The very fact that emails are still exchanged and dialogue is still happening are both wonderful and hopeful. Keep it up!

    1. We're marching right along.

  7. Deena6:12 PM

    I'm an east coast gal who is used to snow but truly hates it. Glad you had some fun with it ;)

    Yup - as I read this I tend to nod along. I truly understand why he is confused, and I truly understand why it's so hard for you.

    Honestly, I still don't totally understand the dynamic. My general thought is starting to be that as long as it brings you closer, brings you both pleasure, and makes you a stronger couple, seems to me whatever ends up happening is a good thing. I cannot wait to read on to find out where you land.

    1. I like snow in small doses - that's all.

      I've got one last post about all this coming up Wednesday - but honestly I'm still waiting to find out where we land.

  8. I'm still rooting for you and Nick to begin to make ttwd work again because I truly feel you want it and he isn't saying no.... but I am here to tell you that Nick not noticing what you're doing wrong, waiting for clues from you......all of that gets better with time and practice for BOTH parties. Have weekly talk and tell him what he missed this week! I'm serious! Or turn the tables and tell him all the stuff he'd be in trouble for if the roles were reversed (not that you want them to be). You can be respectful and have all kinds of hypothetical conversations that will help you both. If you want flowers, keep asking for flowers until one day the man does it on his own! Hugs, girl ! LOL! Windy

    1. It gets better with time? Come on, we've been at it 12 years! But you are right about the talks. It might be both fun and beneficial to let him know, “Now if I were the spanker in the family, this is what you’d be in trouble for.’ I’ve never, ever been good at telling on myself. Even if I want to be spanked, and I’ve done something I know I should tell him about – I don’t. We're trying something, I'll explain in all in the next post - the last in this 'series'.

    2. Yes, it gets better with time if you are both actively tending to it. Perhaps a better way is to say that it gets better with practice. Hugs, Windy

  9. Anonymous7:03 AM

    Hi PK. You don't know me at all. I'm a quiet reader, and really do not like posting. However, I just wanted to throw something out there. You can take it or leave it, but maybe just an idea. My hubs and I have been doing ttwd for almost six years and we've had these exact conversations a plethora of times. There were a couple things that helped us get over these "He wants/She wants" communication hurdles. One was a project we worked on together.....Let me explain.

    The problem (I think I'm hearing) with him looking for cues - is the fact......he's looking for cues. Technically, this still puts the control in your court and you can feel that. He's relying (leaning in) on you to give him guidance -- almost a role reversal. (Totally frustrating. I can relate!) It's hard to get into the right mindset of submitting, if you have to submit to something you-yourself initiated. You want him to take that burden off of you and show he loves you enough to initiate this himself. When I my hubby had a hard time understanding this, we made it a one week project....

    For one week, he had to spank me 5 times....on his own, no coercion from me AT ALL. He wasn't allowed to ask if this was a good time, or anything. He had to just do it on his own. (Not sure how often you're used to being spanked, but this average was good for us.) At least two of those times this first run had to be directly related to an behaviour issue on my part (attitude, swearing, etc.)

    This gave him a goal. He knew by Saturday 5x was his goal (and I really really prayed that he wouldn't save them all for that last day!)

    This did a couple things:

    1. We were on the same team working together. I was encouraging him. It became almost a game.

    2. He became attentive. As 2 of the times had to be behaviour-specific, he had to watch more closely and know what exactly he was watching for.

    3. The other 3x allowed him to still enjoy the other spankings as well. Reminder spankings, fun spankings, etc. It took some of the pressure off of him that this whole project was what I needed, and instead focused on what we both wanted.

    By the end of day 4 he hit the goal...AND he was able to see how it settled me. Of the 5 spankings, he actually used 3 of them to correct my behaviour. He was very proud of himself, and so was I - and I made sure he knew that.

    Then, when it was done, it gave us something tangible that we could critique, instead of trying to just figure out what was in each other heads.

    Like I said, I realise you don't know me at all, but as I've been reading your communication it's like reading us all over again. Just an idea.
    Wishing you the best.

    1. Shell,
      I really appreciate you speaking up with this comment. It’s very good. I can tell we’ve experienced many of the same things, good and bad, in this type of relationship. I think you summed up nearly all I’ve been trying to say with this paragraph:

      “The problem (I think I'm hearing) with him looking for cues - is the fact......he's looking for cues. Technically, this still puts the control in your court and you can feel that. He's relying (leaning in) on you to give him guidance -- almost a role reversal. (Totally frustrating. I can relate!) It's hard to get into the right mindset of submitting, if you have to submit to something you-yourself initiated. You want him to take that burden off of you and show he loves you enough to initiate this himself.”

      You really hit it with this!

      I really like your project. In fact I think I will just email you comment to Nick and then we can discuss it. As I told Windy, above, we’re trying something. It’s worked when we’ve tried it in the past… but we let it go. We’ll try again.

      Thank you again for taking the time to share. I’d love to hear from you again, here or by email elisspeaks@yahoo.com

    2. Deena6:25 PM

      Oooh...I may suggest this to my guy as well. This is a huge struggle for us too. Thanks! Have I mentioned I SO appreciate blogland? ;)

  10. Wow! PK ... and Shell ... love that a 'quiet reader' stepped into the discussion ... and offered such great advice! ... nj ... xx

    1. I agree! I love my readers - those I know and those I don't. They are what makes this a 'safe place' for everyone.

  11. This post completely hits home. I receive the occasional but rare love tap initiated by my husband. However, typically, I am the one who has to "be in control" and that completely takes away my need for submission and him being in the lead.
    When we make love there is usually a little spanking involved but even then I will often hint (if you hint every single time, shouldn't that be a hint enough that I want it every single time?) It can be frustrating. More so when I feel I need a spanking, but don't necessarily want one - times when I am stressed and need some relief - he may notice and spanking is just not his go to...or he is not aware at all. Oh how I wish he would notice and be aware and speak my language. Sorry, I had to get that out. :-) So glad you are communicating with one another. And like Sunny said at the end of the day you love each other and that is the most important thing. Big hugs


    1. I know you share so many of my frustrations. And they ARE frustrating. Even with communication. But I guess we can't give up.