I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, December 03, 2018

The spanking lifestyle examined (part 1)

*I’m going to have several post about continuing work toward the best marriage we can have. As I slog through it all, just know we are still in love and we are happy with one another. We’re content and we're continue to figure things out together.

Twice in the past year I’ve tried to close the door firmly on DD/TTWD in our marriage. Not slamming the door in anger, just
shutting it. Both times once I’ve make that decision, Nick put his foot in the door. We’ve talked a little (not so great) and we’ve emailed more – much more productive. I want to share a lot of our thoughts, but I’d like to do it in small chunks, so I hope you’ll come back for a few more post. I’m mostly writing this for myself – writing is how I think. I’m writing it a little for Nick. I’m writing it for my fellow bloggers because knowing you ‘know’ what I’m talking about helps me feel understood and supported and lastly I’m writing to those just stumbling into the lifestyle for the first time and those who are going through a rough patch. They need to know it can be messy, hurtful, confusing… and it can also be glorious, wonderful and life fulfilling.

I shared in this post that Nick and I had talked last weekend, but that it wasn't a particularly pleasant or uplifting conversation. Things have improved and our subsequence email conversations have been much better.

What led to the talk? I’ll tell you. Last March or April I told Nick I felt like our TTWD experiment was pretty much done. I knew I spent too much time thinking about it and nothing much ever happened so I was ready to call it quits. He was against that and firmly told me he wanted it to continue. Of course, deep down, that’s what I’d wanted too so I agreed.

There were a few spankings the rest of that month and then pretty much nothing. (Remember this is me writing, Nick’s take on this is different. But I can only tell you my perspective.) I was experiencing the familiar cycle of disappoint, a little  depressions and eventually even mild anger. So I attempted to close the door again and wrote him the following email:

I feel like our foray into the world of DD/TTWD has brought us closer over the years and I’ll always be grateful for that. I hope we’ll continue growing closer for years to come. But I’d want to make one small change.

We haven’t done any DD in a while and I’d like to keep it that way. I can hear you right now thinking, “Damn, some kind of test again to see if I’ll do something.” That’s NOT it. I simply want to keep on as we have for the past seven months or so. I’m going to keep going to the gym and working with WW (with some snags.) You get to go back to being that husband who encourages but would never ask about weight or mention what she is eating, lest his wife attack him with a butcher knife. I’ll probably record most weeks and you’re welcomed to check it if you like. But that’s all.

You’re  also welcomed to pop my butt any time. If you feel like spanking for fun or fun and games, feel free. But up and down weight, laundry, letting gas get low in the car, or the other things we pretended to use in the past, I just want to stop. 

I'm mad, I'm not depressed, I'm not upset about anything. It fact I’m feeling pretty light hearted at the moment. Nothing has changed but I just wanted to acknowledge this slight difference should it come up again.  

So after sending this email, I was surprised when Nick indicated he was thinking of spanking me for not recording my weigh the following week.

I was a little pissed. In my head I was saying, “Oh, hell no! You don’t get to ignore the lifestyle for nearly a year and then pop up with a vague reason to spank when actually you’re just feeling frisky.”

When we came together that afternoon he was in a happy relaxed frame of mind and I was feeling extremely defensive. We talked, if you can call our stumbling conversation that. Two things he said just left me reeling. At the time I wanted to shout, “Are you serious?” I’ve since thought about them calmly and I think I understand where he was coming from.

I hope you'll come back to help me sift through all this. When I get through it all it’s not going to say, “And they lived happily ever after.” It’s not going to say, “The End.” It’s going to say, “Stay tuned for the next episode.”

24 comments:

  1. Ha! Well the sherriff and I were there this weekend! Major push back from me after he grounded me again. Finally left for a while. Long pm's back and forth all day, final agreement.

    I feel your pain. You may have been in this lifestyle for years and we are just beginning, but I think this weekend, we were in the same spot PK.

    I hope you keep talking. I am here if you need a new ear to talk to.

    Boo

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    1. It's amazing how many ups and down this lifestyle gives us. Everyone says communication is the key. It may be, but it can be tough.

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    2. Ha! I can only talk to the sheriff electronically as I am too embarassed and shy to be verbal. The sheriff hates electronuc conversation and wants verbal! This is us! Always opposites!šŸ˜

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  2. ...and the saga continues.

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    1. LOL, you must be getting bored by now.

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  3. I like that you're on topic again. And I love the reasons you gave for sharing with us. It's really helpful to those of us who might be unable to express our own feelings or who may not really know our own feelings. New readers will especially benefit from your experience. And you benefit by seeing your thoughts in front of you and maybe realize your decision to be content without TTWD is not what you really want. We can't have a relationship like this and just give it up. It's part of us. I'm glad you and Nick are continuing to work on it. Even if time goes by without a lot of action, it still needs to be talked about and kept alive between you. I believe from reading this whole blog from 2006 till now, that Nick really want it too.

    Thanks for so generously letting us in on your personal life. We love you for it.

    Rosie Dee

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    1. I like being on topic. It's a unique topic - well, not to us in our corner of blogland, but overall. It is part of who we are and we are the only ones who can discuss this intelligently. Maybe we are helping others.

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  4. PK,
    It is sometimes amazing to me how we can really try to communicate and still end up on different pages. It's important for us to talk about that which baffles us, makes us happy, challenges us, etc. on our bogs. If we don't grow through our own blogs then no one else is goin to either. So keep writing and keep sharing! Hugs! Windy

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    1. If you read tomorrow you'll see that I thought I was communicating but it wasn't getting through. I'm trying to get better.

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  5. Hi PK ... like Rosie Dee said, it's good for your readers out there to know that everything isn't a bed of ttwd roses ... that for some it can be a hard slog but that doesn't mean you give up.

    It is also good to read the confirmation that you and Nick still love each other very much ... I am rooting for you and hope you can both come to an understanding that works for you both and is sustainable in some way shape or form.

    Hugs! ... nj

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    1. I'd always thought the hardest part would be telling/asking him in the first place. Looking back, that might have been the easy part.

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  6. Hi PK,

    I too agree with Rosie, I love that you and Nick are communicating and working through things. Communication really is the key.

    I am so glad too that you are sharing this with us. There really does seem to be an ebb and flow to ttwd and lots of stops and starts. It has certainly happened here.

    I hope sharing helps you too. You are definitely not alone and I'm sure your sharing helps others.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
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    1. But there have been so many ups and downs I nearly embarrassed to come back and talk about it again. But I guess that's why I blog in the first place.

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  7. There’s nothing I can add to the previous comments, PK. Just keep on keeping on and don’t give up!
    Rosie xx

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    1. I'm in for the long haul, but roller coasters make he sick sometimes.

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  8. Sometimes, when I read here, PK, I just want to jump through through the virtual world to give you a big bear hug. Your ups and downs make roller coasters look tame.

    I will share one thing that took years for Sam to really understand. "Giving me a spanking is one of the most beautiful ways you could tell me you love me." He finally gets it, I think. That is why he named them "Just Because" spankings. "Just because I love you, Els."

    Maybe help Nick set a mini goal for each week. What is one little thing he could do to move you both toward the ttwd life you dream of.

    Sending that Virtual Hug,
    Ella

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    1. I don' t like roller coasters! The main thing I've told him right now is that there are no expectations. What happens happens. I will not anticipate.

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  9. There's nothing really I can say that would be a light bulb moment for you and Nick. I do think communication is the one key and yes hard, but you have to keep on.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. You're right - it's either keep on or go back to being roommates and neither of us wants that.

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  10. It is a continuing journey and I am here for you each step of your story with a hug and an understanding nod of empathy and understanding. And so it continues... Though I still believe in happily ever afters even with all its bumps, winds, curves, ups, and downs... Hugs

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    1. I know you're there Terps, and I do appreciate it. Just having people to listen helps so much.

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  11. Deena9:35 PM

    As I read this, I have so many thoughts. I don't write a blog so I feel a little awkward sharing, but I hope it's ok.

    First and foremost, it seems that you have a wonderful relationship and the love you two have for one another oozes through in your writing, even in your frustration. That is golden.

    Here's my other thought that I've had for a while. I have a difficult time explaining to my hubby why this is important and effective so it's not a surprise to me that it sort of freaks him out. He's been much more committed as time goes on, because he is definitely seeing the benefits in our relationship in various ways. Still, the concept baffles him and being that he is a mighty logical guy, it's hard for him to overcome. I get a great deal of support and info here in blogland from you wonderful ladies who are willing to share so much. But the guys...where do they get their support and education? How do they learn to drop some of the stereotypes they may think of when we are asking for a ttwd relationship? How do they learn when to let go of an issue and when to address one, and then how to address an issue appropriately. Then there's implements. Confusing to a novice. Plus there's the sexual aspect. Basically, we are trying to get our guys to behave in a way they have been taught not to behave and we need them to do it with very little education or support. Yikies.

    Sometimes I feel almost guilty for needing/wanting this and yet I see how different we are as a couple and how much better and stronger. That "roommate" phenomena is real and I'd rather not return to it. You're not at all alone and my guess is, neither is he...but he does not know that.

    Apologies for the long post and hoping I did not overstep. This has been on mind for a while and whenever I read your posts related to the issue and totally and completely relate to it. Whatever happens, with the ups and downs, I truly believe you are a "they lived happily ever after" couple as well as a "stay tuned" couple ;) Best to you as you make your way through the current choppy waters.


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    1. Deena, I’m so happy you stopped by. And I hope you’ll feel comfortable sharing anything you like.

      You’re right, we do love each other even when things aren’t always smooth sailing.

      I think you’re going to relate to the post tomorrow. We are asking them to go against their nature sometimes. I mean they’re taught to fight their dominant tendencies because we are all supposed to be equal.

      I’d never thought about them not really having a resource. I mean they could read our blogs – Nick used to and that helped some. But I wish we could get the guys talking (not likely).

      You can see why I’ve tried to back out at of all this at times. I was tired of explaining, anticipating. I felt like something he had to tack onto his ‘to do’ list. It’s all confusing for me, so I know it is for him.

      I really appreciate all you’ve said and I hope you’ll keep commenting.

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  12. Hi PK, :) I think that it is great that you are going with the flow, and talking together- seeing where it leads. sounds like a good plan! I'm always in the wings rooting for you!

    Deena is a wonderful woman! She and her hubby are doing so well! I thought that her comment was excellent. Our partners are in the dark when we bring this to them. They do have to become educated in what we are thinking about. They do have to mesh what we ask of them, with what they have learned about how they treat women, and come to terms with how it is that spanking a loved one is loving. That is no easy feat! Back 6+ years ago, when I was starting out,there were seasoned bloggers who spoke to their roles. They were really great examples for spouses/partners who were asked to be spankers. Unfortunately we don't really have that around here these days. Maybe there are some, but not sure where to tell you to look. Anyway, it's not easy. I feel for you both. Keep on talking, and trying to explain. You are doing great! Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

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