The spanking lifestyle examined (part 1)

*I’m going to have several post about continuing work toward the best marriage we can have. As I slog through it all, just know we are still in love and we are happy with one another. We’re content and we're continue to figure things out together.

Twice in the past year I’ve tried to close the door firmly on DD/TTWD in our marriage. Not slamming the door in anger, just

shutting it. Both times once I’ve make that decision, Nick put his foot in the door. We’ve talked a little (not so great) and we’ve emailed more – much more productive. I want to share a lot of our thoughts, but I’d like to do it in small chunks, so I hope you’ll come back for a few more post. I’m mostly writing this for myself – writing is how I think. I’m writing it a little for Nick. I’m writing it for my fellow bloggers because knowing you ‘know’ what I’m talking about helps me feel understood and supported and lastly I’m writing to those just stumbling into the lifestyle for the first time and those who are going through a rough patch. They need to know it can be messy, hurtful, confusing… and it can also be glorious, wonderful and life fulfilling.

I shared in this post that Nick and I had talked last weekend, but that it wasn't a particularly pleasant or uplifting conversation. Things have improved and our subsequence email conversations have been much better.

What led to the talk? I’ll tell you. Last March or April I told Nick I felt like our TTWD experiment was pretty much done. I knew I spent too much time thinking about it and nothing much ever happened so I was ready to call it quits. He was against that and firmly told me he wanted it to continue. Of course, deep down, that’s what I’d wanted too so I agreed.

There were a few spankings the rest of that month and then pretty much nothing. (Remember this is me writing, Nick’s take on this is different. But I can only tell you my perspective.) I was experiencing the familiar cycle of disappoint, a little  depressions and eventually even mild anger. So I attempted to close the door again and wrote him the following email:

I feel like our foray into the world of DD/TTWD has brought us closer over the years and I’ll always be grateful for that. I hope we’ll continue growing closer for years to come. But I’d want to make one small change.

We haven’t done any DD in a while and I’d like to keep it that way. I can hear you right now thinking, “Damn, some kind of test again to see if I’ll do something.” That’s NOT it. I simply want to keep on as we have for the past seven months or so. I’m going to keep going to the gym and working with WW (with some snags.) You get to go back to being that husband who encourages but would never ask about weight or mention what she is eating, lest his wife attack him with a butcher knife. I’ll probably record most weeks and you’re welcomed to check it if you like. But that’s all.

You’re  also welcomed to pop my butt any time. If you feel like spanking for fun or fun and games, feel free. But up and down weight, laundry, letting gas get low in the car, or the other things we pretended to use in the past, I just want to stop. 

I'm mad, I'm not depressed, I'm not upset about anything. It fact I’m feeling pretty light hearted at the moment. Nothing has changed but I just wanted to acknowledge this slight difference should it come up again.  

So after sending this email, I was surprised when Nick indicated he was thinking of spanking me for not recording my weigh the following week.

I was a little pissed. In my head I was saying, “Oh, hell no! You don’t get to ignore the lifestyle for nearly a year and then pop up with a vague reason to spank when actually you’re just feeling frisky.”

When we came together that afternoon he was in a happy relaxed frame of mind and I was feeling extremely defensive. We talked, if you can call our stumbling conversation that. Two things he said just left me reeling. At the time I wanted to shout, “Are you serious?” I’ve since thought about them calmly and I think I understand where he was coming from.

I hope you'll come back to help me sift through all this. When I get through it all it’s not going to say, “And they lived happily ever after.” It’s not going to say, “The End.” It’s going to say, “Stay tuned for the next episode.”