What day is it?

Do you know what day it is? I mean really who know the day of the week between Christmas and New Year if you don’t have to go to work that week. How could I know? Mollie’s been here part of the time. Nick hasn’t had to work this week. And I was supposed to remember that yesterday was Friday – the day I’m supposed to

send Nick an update on how things are going? When he came at me with a wooden spoon I was completely surprised, asking hastily, “What did I do?”

“It’s what you didn’t do,” he told me. Informing me that my email had not been on his computer when he got up as it should have been. I swear I thought it was Thursday! I even had ‘write Nick’ on my list of things to get done yesterday. He wasn’t impressed with my list. I wasn’t impressed with the wooden spoon, such is life.

All is well here. The boys will be in later today and our Christmas is tomorrow. Despite having to cook dinner again – I cooked for sister and BIL on Christmas day – I’m really looking forward to having my boys home. 

I know I haven’t been around much and I hope that will change when life returns to normal. That will be sometime after the fifth. The new book will be out in January so I’ll be telling you a lot more about that soon. 

I’m wishing everyone a 

To you all...

To the friends I vacation with

To the friends I get to speak with by phone

To the friends who read my books

To the friends who read my blog

To the friends who leave comments often

To the friends who comment occasionally

To the friends who don’t comment, but still care

To all of these people and their families

I wish you the most joyous Christmas ever.

'Tis the season to celebrate

It’s a busy time for everyone, but I did what to pop in with a post. Things are going well in the PK/Nick household. I’ve been writing to Nick once a week as he asked – nothing Earth shattering yet. I got much of my angst out by blogging it and now we’re in a calm period. With the holidays upon us

real life has taken up much of our time. Nick has given me a weight goal to hit by Friday which is doable, but it still won’t be easy because I’m eating out with friends three time this week. Yikes! I’m hitting the gym hard.

Busyness aside there has been some fun activities around. My birthday was last week and Nick is not one to forget a birthday spanking. He enjoys using a different implement for each decade. Boy – talk about feeling your age, I felt every single year! All was well and good until he got out the fricking cane. Actually, a bigger cane might be better than this horribly whippy thing. But I’m guessing I’d hate the bigger one too. This thing leaves marks! Not that that’s a problem, but it’s to only implement we have that still does that.

After this celebration we were out to eat with friends and

Mollie and it was a lovely birthday celebration all round. Christmas is always fun around here. We don’t go to a ton of parties and the ones we attend are mostly family. I’m very happy that I love all my family – both sides – dearly so the parties are always fun. My boys will be coming in to celebrate with us before the new year and staying the first week of January – weather permitting. Last year the weather kept us from our Christmas until March! So please cross your fingers for smooth traveling for everyone.

I’ll be popping in and out during the holidays and Cassie will be posting some soon too.

She's growing up!

Just a quick grandpup update. Our little Maggie is growing up. I'm taking her tomorrow to be spayed and to get her microchip. Then Mollie will be off for Christmas to be with her during her recuperation. This has to be the sweetest dog in the world!

Where TTWD has brought us - (part 5 - the final one)

You can read parts one, two, three and four by clicking on them.

I’d like to end up this probe into the world of TTWD with how Nick and I ended our original emails. I guess you know by now I’m a bit more long winded than he is. This is how I ended mine:

I told you that we could certainly keep up with the fun or sexy spankings as much as you’d like. When I said that you no longer had to worry with coming up with half-hearted reasons or rules to spank, I thought that you’d be on board at once. You surprised me by seeming to want to leave discipline on the table.

So, it’s back on the table. But I’m leaving it up to you. Wondering, hoping, worrying, anticipating, waiting just left me alternatingly anxious, disappointed, depressed and ultimately angry. I’m not doing that anymore. But if you feel a situation warrants it, if you feel a spanking will be beneficial to me or to us – whether it’s to make me do something I need to do or stop something I need to stop, or just to bring us closer for the moment – then do it! I won’t say no. I will, of course, protest that I don’t deserve a spanking – that’s simply standard. All spankees say that before any spanking.

What I really want for us is just to be happy with one another. I would love us to talk

about many things. Email and text are fine. Seems sometimes that all we really discuss is politics, and thank God we agree! Maybe I can relax now that I’m giving up preconceived expectations. But I want us to talk and touch and laugh and tease about anything and everything. I like us being able to snuggle in bed and that you tell me good-by and that you love me when you leave in the mornings. I love when you pop my butt when I bend over. I like you pointing out the rawhide whips to me at the horse auction and I really like you not buying it! Maybe I’ve made this too heavy in my mind and I just need to lighten up. So I’m freeing it, or trying to – it may happen, it may not I’m not going to worry either way. I’m just going to keep on loving you and hope you keep on loving me.

These were Nick’s final thought, before he’d read mine:

I hope I still have the green light to spank you when I think you need one, or just because I want to!  I hope an approaching birthday at your advanced age won’t adversely affect your position.

My thoughts on this subject may be different from yours but I want what is right and helpful for us.  I don’t want to take a step backward.  I want us at our best, not just roommates.

Think about things and maybe we can find our way.

I love you.

He really is such a good guy. 

Now about that birthday crack, I told him:

As I said in my email, you do still have this green light. Also note, I lied about my age when we married. I was only two.

His response:

Just a note for now: Lying about your age may get you in trouble. You've heard of law cases where awards are doubled (punitive damages).

A day or so later, Nick emailed:

Please write me a little report on how things are going in any relevant areas. Let me know about current gym activities, classes etc.

Consider whether regular updates would be something you can provide.

I answered:

I made it to the gym twice this week and rode the bike two days and I’ve watched what I ate. The scale was down this morning.

I’ve thought and thought this morning trying to be precise on how I’m feeling. You know the core of all this stuff for me is more emotional than factual. I think I’m feeling cautiously, pleasantly optimistic. I’m working hard to release any TTWD expectation, for either of us and just see what happens. So far it’s working and I’m feeling better.

I could probably send updates if you like. Weight updates and gym visits aren’t hard to report. More helpful might be me sharing how I’m feeling. That might not be that hard either. Convincing myself you really want to hear it– now that’s much tougher.

I also told him one of my concerns: 

One big change is what I can take. Do you remember when we started. You seemed genuinely surprised at the type of spanking I could handle – both in forcefulness and in duration. I felt like I could take anything you could dish out and then some. I can’t now and I’m not sure why. But I know a great deal of it was mindset. When I believed it was going somewhere – that there was a solid reason behind what we were doing, a lifestyle we were striving for, I went off in my head and I could ‘take it’. Without that feeling in my head, when it seems like it’s not for a purpose, it just hurts like hell and I can’t take much.

His reply to this was:

As far as regular updates, let's consider it mandatory at least for the next few months, facts, feelings, etc.  I think it might keep us both focused. You decide on a day of the week preferably Thursday or Friday, and let me know when to expect.  Don't just give me the good news or even news you think I want to hear.  If you have weeks when you haven't given the reasonable effort on housekeeping, exercise or something else give me the honest report and we will go from there, no contracts, no promises.  

As for not being able to take a reasonable spanking any more... toe the line or toughen up!  Plan on a little practice in toughening up tomorrow. 

  

That pretty much brings everything up to date. We’re communication. We both seem more happy and relaxed. Mostly we’re waiting to see what happens. There are few expectation on either of us. I emailed him Thursday with my thoughts and updates. And it’s my intentions to continue for a few months as he asked.

Thank you for taking letting me lay all this our here. It helps me more than you know and if it’s helped any of you, then that’s a real bonus. Thanks for being here for me.

So what is a spanking and when is it necessary (part 4)

*Snow update

We live in the south, for goodness sake! Each year we get our two or three snows of three to five inches and we’re happy with it. Often the next day will be in the 50’s so in the past I’d enjoy a snow day from school and then it was gone. Not this weekend. We got over a foot of snow! We haven’t had that much since Mollie was five months old – that’s twenty-six  years ago!

Nick, of course, felt he had to shovel the drive way right away. I heard all the stories of men dropping dead from heart attack so I kept a close eye on him. I needn’t have worried. He finished the drive and still had plenty of energy left over for a fun afternoon. I think the man is younger than he claims!  

I just wanted everyone to know we’re still having fun as I keep posting about my deep TTWD thoughts. Here’s the next post.

I’m on a roll now. Here’s parts one, two and three. It’s helping me and I figure if you’re bored you might not have come back today so I’m trudging on.

I know a problem for Nick and I’m sure many other men is knowing when to spank. Although we try to tell them what we expect and what we would like over all, I know many are still hesitant at times. Nick says he needs cues and I don’t like to give them.

I’ve been having a halfhearted contest with my sister on weight loss. I say halfhearted because when I’m winning I’m very enthusiastic and when the scales are more in her favor I tend to lose interest. I had shared the contest part with Nick.

This is what he wrote to me:

The last time we had much conversation we agreed to focus on health and weigh loss. I didn’t think either wanted me to be looking for picky things to nag about just for an excuse.  I asked for your help.  I told you that cues to know when you thought some spanking action was called for would be helpful.  You, as I understood it, would be in communication with your sister and compare your results and keep me posted.  I felt like a short update such as “She lost one pound this week and I gained .2 pounds,” would give me the cue that I needed.  You seemed ready with the meager spank count (and I am assuming you didn’t count card games or Utah, Arizona, etc) but can you recall how many times you gave me this info in which you were due consequences?

Sadly I couldn’t argue with much that he said – not that I didn’t want to. I could have said, "Well, why didn't you spank me for not giving you the information?" I guess while trying to ignore the truth in his email I tried to answer a minor point – that is, ‘what is a spanking?’

This is my attempt to tell him what I think: 

Card games are fun and there is spanking involved, but no – that’s not ‘a spanking.’ It’s a fun game. What occurred on our vacation, in my mind, was a loving, enjoyed, and appreciated gesture of affection. A little ‘drive-by’ spanking that  comes as a fun surprise and I hope they’ll continue – but it’s not ‘a spanking.’

‘A Spanking’ needs some thought behind it to be effective. On your part and on mine. When it happens fast and unexpectedly it can be fun but not really effective. I haven’t even had time to think – then it’s over.

But back to his email points I told him:

You’re right about me not stepping up to do my part – I really haven’t. I’ve been hesitant about all this since before I tried to pull out back in March. I’m having huge fights between my head and my heart. 

My heart will always want the lifestyle. But my head tells my heart – get the hell over it! For the first six to eight years we tried this I went all with my heart. But for the last four years or so the head took over and that’s all I’ve heard. 

The part of me who wanted to try submission is nearly warn away. I probably wouldn’t have been that good at it anyway. But it did work at times – something else I bet you never believed. When you would say, “You can’t snack at school.” Or “No snacks after 9:00 PM” – I didn’t. It was that simple, it wasn’t a negotiation, it was a command. And no, it didn’t last without reinforcement but for me it felt easy, there was no debating in my head – you’d said no. Case closed. Would that work now? Probably not. That left with the wide-eyed optimism.

I know I could/should have given you cues. I know that I can ask for a spanking anytime – both for cause, I could tell on myself, or for stress relief or whatever. But for me asking for a spanking will always be the same as kissing a brother. What’s the point?

It’s like telling your husband over and over that you feel so special, so loved when he sends you flowers. That you get all mushy inside at this particular token of affection and that you eagerly look forward to the next delivery. But if he rarely sends flowers unless you text and say, ‘order flowers for me.’  Well, you can see it lose some of it charm. 

For the past few post I’ve gone over some of our problems in communication – from not communicating at all to not fulling understanding what the other  person is saying regarding their needs or wants. I’ve been able to see from many of your comments that Nick and I are not alone. But as I said when I began, things are better. The final post in this saga, Wednesday, I'll give you a current update.

We're seeing TTWD differently (part 3)

Here at my first two post in this series. Post 1, post 2.

The second thing Nick said to me during our attempt to talk was, “It seems that what you want keeps changing.” 

That was a real shocker to me too. After giving that a lot of thought

I began to understand how he could have perceived it that way – but it’s not true. All I’ve ever wanted, since puberty, was a man who would make a few rules. Not many, not about every little detail, but about a few things he cared enough about to hold me accountable and spank me when I didn’t follow through with what he said. That’s it. That’s never changed. That would have been enough to satisfy my desire to be submissive. I’ve said before Nick and I don’t fight, we really don’t. We agree on most things and neither of us has to have their way or even the last word. I don’t get ill tempered and snippy and said hateful rude things to him. So none of those issues were ever part of our DD.

I think I know where Nick might be coming from – in thinking that my desires have changed over the years, is that I’ve tried to explain in in a million different ways. I might have given different suggestions or scenarios of how this might have worked in our lives. I’ve suggested him making a few firm rules, I’ve suggested maintenance, keeping a ‘list’ of my transgressions, and many, many more ideas. But as I see it, as I truly believe, what I wanted and what I asked for has never changed. If anyone were to read back on the blog over these twelve years I think they’d see that. 

In the answering email I told Nick:  

I know we saw DD from two completely different points of view. One rule we decided on – no clean laundry left out more than twenty-four hours – seemed reasonable. I did better about getting it put away. But I’d slip up and you’d spank me for it and I’d work hard to do better. Sadly bad habits are harder to break than good habits are to form so in few weeks I’d slip up again and leave the clothes sitting there.  

Your head logically said, “I told her to get these put away. I spanked her when she didn’t and here she’s done it again. Obviously, spanking doesn’t work.” 

My head, just as logically said, “I forgot again, but he didn’t spank me this time. Obviously he never really cared about me following the rule to begin with.”

Sounds like the beginning of a bad sitcom. 

Many of my friends here have this firmly established in their marriage. But if you’re feeling like it’s not, maybe ask your guy two questions. 

First ask him to tell you how he understand it all – if you’ve been telling him what you want, ask him to say it back to you so you’ll understand what he’s hearing. It may not be what you think you’re saying.

And the second thing – and I’m afraid I’m guilty of not asking this one – ask him what he’s getting from TTWD and what he really wants. 

I’m still musing, so please come back.

The spanking lifestyle examined (Part 2)

I began this attempt to examine the spanking lifestyle back Here if you'd like to begin at the beginning.

What could it have been that Nick mentioned in our talk that left me so surprised.  It sounds simple enough when I type it, but it was like it went in my ear and kept burring itself deeper and deeper. 

What he said was: I never really believed that you actually wanted the lifestyle – maybe in fantasy, but not the real thing. Thinking back on it and knowing just how much I’d wanted it, I was stunned. 

This was what I said in the email I sent him:

I made up my first spanking story at the age of four.  By thirteen they were sexual fantasies and for decades the intense longing was there. It was ‘taboo’ and I knew that. I never planned on sharing this weirdness, this need to be submissive (or at least try) with you. But through strange twists and turns I found the blogs and got the courage to come out to you. I figured forty-five years was long enough to hold onto my secret.

I was scared to death to tell you but to my utter amazement you were willing to give it a try. I was in seventh heaven! I might have been close to fifty, but I felt like I was a young woman again at the beginning of a new life. Almost immediately our sex life when from fine to amazing! We were open with one another for the first time. We talked all the time, often in whispers because of the kids, but we talked. You read the blogs of my friends. Reading that, yes, there were others with these desires who lived the lifestyle and loved it.

 You were spanking hard and often and I reveled in it. It was then that I began sleeping in the nude and let go of the curly perm – because I wanted you to see the change, I wanted there to be an outward tangible sign of this new lifestyle and I wanted you to know how much I loved and embraced it. I walked around school with a stupid grin on my face causing some to wonder if I was having an affair! Knowing that you weren’t a disciplinarian at heart, I tried to hook you by asking you to help with weight loss, because I knew you cared about that. And with your help in those first two years, I lost forty pounds.

Tell me honey, what more could I have done to make you believe me?

Learning that he’s never really believed I wanted all this was crushing in a way. It felt like a loss opportunity that could never be retrieved. But as it gradually worked its way through my mind I think I understood.

Nick lived a vanilla life for fifty years. He was taught – and firmly believed – that men and women were  equal and that he had no right whatsoever to boss me around or tell me what to do, much less punish me if I didn’t do as he said. He had a wife of nearly twenty-five years who had never for one minute given him reason to think she felt any differently. Then out of the blue comes this request for a DD lifestyle.

Think of how it must have sounded to him. “Honey I want you to set rules for me – most anything you like. I want you to be the boss and if I don’t do as you say I want you to spank me, I mean really spank me.” 

And I wondered why he didn’t believe me.

I let him know it was a sexual fantasy and he probably didn’t hear much past that. He treated it as a wonderful sexy fun and never realize how much more it was to me. I thought I was making myself understood, but clearly I wasn’t.

This isn’t a one-sided post,  as in Shame on Nick for not believing me. I did the same thing. He’s told me at various times over the past twelve years that he would like to know what I’m thinking and feeling. I’ve never believed him, and rarely shared either with him.

I think if you hooked each of us to a lie detector you see our basic beliefs haven’t changed. I still don’t think Nick believes I wanted the lifestyle. (And at this point in our lives, I probably don't.) And I still don’t think he wants to have to slog through emails of my feelings and emotions. (He says he does, but in his head I feel him thinking, Damn – can’t we just do some of this for the sexy fun of it and leave all this confusing feelings and emotions out of it?) Maybe we both need our butts kicked for not believing one another.

Is there a moral to this post? Maybe.

If for some reason you feel in any way that your significant other doesn’t believe this is what you want, and you know it is. You need to take his face in your hand and tell him again, even if it’s worked well for years. For those of you newer participants you may need to acknowledge that it might be hard for him to understand. But make sure he knows you at least want to give it a try. Tell him you’ll let him know if it’s too much and if changes are needed. But please, please tell him he needs to believe what you’re telling him. Don’t wait over a decade to realize he didn’t believe the DD lifestyle was what you wanted.

More to come…

The spanking lifestyle examined (part 1)

*I’m going to have several post about continuing work toward the best marriage we can have. As I slog through it all, just know we are still in love and we are happy with one another. We’re content and we're continue to figure things out together.

Twice in the past year I’ve tried to close the door firmly on DD/TTWD in our marriage. Not slamming the door in anger, just

shutting it. Both times once I’ve make that decision, Nick put his foot in the door. We’ve talked a little (not so great) and we’ve emailed more – much more productive. I want to share a lot of our thoughts, but I’d like to do it in small chunks, so I hope you’ll come back for a few more post. I’m mostly writing this for myself – writing is how I think. I’m writing it a little for Nick. I’m writing it for my fellow bloggers because knowing you ‘know’ what I’m talking about helps me feel understood and supported and lastly I’m writing to those just stumbling into the lifestyle for the first time and those who are going through a rough patch. They need to know it can be messy, hurtful, confusing… and it can also be glorious, wonderful and life fulfilling.

I shared in this post that Nick and I had talked last weekend, but that it wasn't a particularly pleasant or uplifting conversation. Things have improved and our subsequence email conversations have been much better.

What led to the talk? I’ll tell you. Last March or April I told Nick I felt like our TTWD experiment was pretty much done. I knew I spent too much time thinking about it and nothing much ever happened so I was ready to call it quits. He was against that and firmly told me he wanted it to continue. Of course, deep down, that’s what I’d wanted too so I agreed.

There were a few spankings the rest of that month and then pretty much nothing. (Remember this is me writing, Nick’s take on this is different. But I can only tell you my perspective.) I was experiencing the familiar cycle of disappoint, a little  depressions and eventually even mild anger. So I attempted to close the door again and wrote him the following email:

I feel like our foray into the world of DD/TTWD has brought us closer over the years and I’ll always be grateful for that. I hope we’ll continue growing closer for years to come. But I’d want to make one small change.

We haven’t done any DD in a while and I’d like to keep it that way. I can hear you right now thinking, “Damn, some kind of test again to see if I’ll do something.” That’s NOT it. I simply want to keep on as we have for the past seven months or so. I’m going to keep going to the gym and working with WW (with some snags.) You get to go back to being that husband who encourages but would never ask about weight or mention what she is eating, lest his wife attack him with a butcher knife. I’ll probably record most weeks and you’re welcomed to check it if you like. But that’s all.

You’re  also welcomed to pop my butt any time. If you feel like spanking for fun or fun and games, feel free. But up and down weight, laundry, letting gas get low in the car, or the other things we pretended to use in the past, I just want to stop. 

I'm mad, I'm not depressed, I'm not upset about anything. It fact I’m feeling pretty light hearted at the moment. Nothing has changed but I just wanted to acknowledge this slight difference should it come up again.  

So after sending this email, I was surprised when Nick indicated he was thinking of spanking me for not recording my weigh the following week.

I was a little pissed. In my head I was saying, “Oh, hell no! You don’t get to ignore the lifestyle for nearly a year and then pop up with a vague reason to spank when actually you’re just feeling frisky.”

When we came together that afternoon he was in a happy relaxed frame of mind and I was feeling extremely defensive. We talked, if you can call our stumbling conversation that. Two things he said just left me reeling. At the time I wanted to shout, “Are you serious?” I’ve since thought about them calmly and I think I understand where he was coming from.

I hope you'll come back to help me sift through all this. When I get through it all it’s not going to say, “And they lived happily ever after.” It’s not going to say, “The End.” It’s going to say, “Stay tuned for the next episode.”