What I asked Nick

I thought you might be interested in some of what I wrote Nick.  First, I want to explain that regardless of what Nick does or doesn’t do regarding TTWD the necessity of me getting control of my life style and make changes to reduce my weight for my over all health is something I have to do. I have to do it.

What I’m asking of Nick has nothing to do with spanking me for gaining or even for not losing. What I’ve asked of him is to help me with my motivation – when he is not doing any spanking I get down. I hate to call it depression, because I know people who are truly plagued by depression and I’m blessed not to have that problem. I just get down, feel frumpy, don’t care… blah.

When he is spanking regularly I feel happier about life in general, I feel loved and watched over and cared for – all that makes me want to step up and do better for myself. It’s all a mental thing that I don’t understand and no long even care to – it’s true for me, and that all I need to know.

It ended up being a long email (of course) and mostly just for him. But basically I asked if he would comment to spanking me once a week until at least Halloween. I gave him some details of how I pictured all this taking place – he can’t read my mind, or so I’ve been told. He’s free to make the changes he wants to, but I told him in detail what I was hoping for.

I’m craving hard spanking. I’ve told him I’d love to be able to really let go. I’ve never been able to let go and accuse him of being mean, unfair, I’ve never been able to yell and cuss and tell him to stop. I was always worried he would. I do have a safe word and I’d use it if I needed to – but the idea of letting go, it’s so appealing. I know it would take practice. I went through natural childbirth, twice, no pain meds at all, no epidural no nothing, without making a sound other than to ask for ice and a cold cloth – it was when mothers were encouraged to do this so the baby would come into the world drug free – screw that by the way, get the epidural!

I guess to help Nick avoid confusion as to – do I spank, is she in the mood for it or should I wait for some other time… I ask for every Friday afternoon (he has Fridays off) Here’s what I told him to think about those spankings -

1) ‘She had a lousy week, she didn’t seem to try to lose any weight, I didn’t see her riding her bike or walking any and she’s withdrawing and I’m going to make sure she knows that continuing all this will be a painful prospect’

or

 2) ‘She had a great week, lost a pound, I saw her exercising several times this week, she’s been in a great mood – a good hard spanking every Friday afternoon does her a world of good for some reason and I’m going to keep it up.’

This whole thing isn’t for punishment, or discipline, it’s closer to maintenance, encouragement to keep trying, reconnecting, and simply the fact I need it. If I had to have an injection once a week to keep me healthy, you’d do that for me. I know you would – even if I told you it hurt and I didn’t want it. If you knew I needed it for my health you’d do it, I think this would help my mental/emotional health.

I believe in the letter I sent, my heart, my mind and my emotions all agree that this is what we truly need and we were all together when we wrote it, yet somewhere in the background I could hear my butt yelling, “What the fuck?” Sorry butt, sometimes you just have to take one for the team.