I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, September 29, 2014

My weekend and talking to myself

I hope you'll go by Sunny's place today, she is sharing some Cassie over at Aimless Rambling.

I had a really nice weekend – this place is so pretty. The rooms are large and decorated in a nice ‘little old lady’ motif, as Mollie told me. I don’t care, it suits me well for a writing weekend. Here are a few pictures.

I did get a lot of writing done, although I don’t stay up as late as I used to when I’d go up there – old age, it happens. In addition to reading and writing I did some thinking while I was up there.  I have to get a handle on my health. My health isn’t bad, really it isn’t. There are some minor problems, but if I don’t make some changes – and I despise change – things could go south quickly.

Nick is more than willing to help. He even gave me a little sample Thursday afternoon and I appreciate it more than he knows. The fact that he’s willing is wonderful, but nothing can change the fact that I have to do the work and make the bloody changes. Every now and then I get that determination from somewhere that causes me to know I can do this. So far, this has not happened this time. So I’m just going to have to grab hold of myself and soldier on, on my own until it, hopefully, make an appearance.

I like making lists and I’m going to do it here because I’ll be able to find it and even add to it if I like.  And while you are more than welcomed to read on, I can’t imagine it will be very entertaining for you.

Problems and potential problems

Diabetes is a real and frightening concern
My joints, especially my knees always hurt
I have high blood pressure
I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes, they are tight and I don’t want to buy larger
I don’t feel attractive or sexy
No energy


I like to eat, graze
I like all the wrong foods
I don’t like vegetables – unless you count starches (how can I change this at my age?)
I don’t like cooking or cleaning afterwards – easier to grab fast food
I don’t like to exercise
Getting ‘started’ is hard and results come slowly
My feet blister if I walk more than two days in a row (skin condition I was born with)
I’m lazy
All I ‘want’ to do is sit in my chair, read, talk to my blogging friends and make up stories
Keeping a food journal has never worked for me – I end up not keeping it and lying to myself, which make me feel even more like a loser.
Rewards do not work for me, unless they come from me. Strangely Nick offering me a reward backfires and actually ends up making me mad. I truly get royally pissed – example, if he would offer a new outfit if I keep up my exercise and keep a food journal, my mind says, “If you want to give me an outfit do it, if you don’t, keep the damn thing – I’m not dancing on my hind legs like a trained poodle for a ‘treat’.”  But on the other hand if he says he’s going to bust my ass if I don’t exercise at least four times a week, then I’ll probably do it. Not to avoid the spanking, but because it makes me feel watched over and cared for and I want to do it. Bless my heart, I could keep a shrink busy, couldn’t I?

Possible solutions

Join Weight Watchers
Ride my stationary bike
Go to bed earlier
Do the Wii
Get books I can listen to as I exercise
Try the new gym in town (don’t have to sign a contract)
Get yoga for beginners DVD
Stop eating at all between meals
Write down a promise to myself and to Nick to do one specific thing for at least a week

All I can say is that these list are honest. I don’t know if posting them will help me any, but it can’t hurt. Capturing this list in a blog post keeps them from running around and tumbling over one another in my head. We’ll see what happens.


  1. Thank you for sharing the pics PK...looks like a good-sized room and lovely grounds.

    I do understand the problems, potential problems and roadblocks...have you been peeking in my house lately? Hope you find a solution that works for you!

    Hugs and Blessings...

    1. Just think Cat, if we could find the answer and bottle it we'd make enough that none of our blogging friends would ever have to work again!

  2. What a wonderful little spot to hide away for a weekend in! And you have Michelmas Daisies too!

    Yep, diabetes is my concern as well. I wonder if that is why my finger and elbow joints hurt so much? I didn't know about that.

    I did find weightwatchers the best in the past for losing weight, and I have tried a good few weight loss businesses. Also our exercise bike is very good to speed up my metabolism. Snacking? Yes, I am with you 100% sadly. All my clothes are tight at the moment.

    I have, however, had an enormously good idea and will email you!


    1. The place I stayed is wonderful - I left her some of my card. I told the owner that parts of every book have been written there. I'll probably re-join weight watchers, but I really wish I could get the 'I can do it' spark back some how.

  3. Hi PK, I'm glad you had a lovely weekend and that you got lots of writing done. The place looks lovely, thank you for sharing the pics :)

    I love your lists. Well thought out and I hope you will find it beneficial having captured them here. You have given it some serious thought, which also shows determination. I'm so glad Nick is willing to help also.


    1. Roz I sure wish dealing with all the things on the list was as easy as writing one. I really appreciate Nick too.

  4. Hi Pk, Your lists are great, the same as all of us I expect. On the book thing, Renee rose has some of her spanking books out on Audio, worth a go. I suppose it does boil down to determination in the end. I hope you can find the motivation as high blood pressure and diabetes don't sound much fun. I wish I could help, I have got a bit stuck too. I am sticking to my plans but the weight is sticking to me :(
    love Jan,xx

    1. Jan I've always been told that one of you HAS to eventually give up - the fat or you sticking to the plan. Often I've given up before the fat does. I really hope you will be able to out last it and be the eventual winner.

  5. I like your lists and sometimes when you see it on paper, in black and white, it helps keep you focused. I wish you lots of luck.

    Would you enjoy water aerobics - it's easy on your joints.

    Anyway friend, you know I'm in your corner.

    1. You know me Sunny, I have an excuse for everything - but I hate fighting my way into a bathing suit and back out. Some place should start nude water aerobics.

  6. PK,

    I like your lists and wish you loads of luck. I'm with you. A couple of people I know say weightwatchers works for them. No harm in trying them.

    Your weekend retreat looks lovely.


    1. Ronnie at least I won't run the risk of what happened the first two time I joined weight watchers - each of those times I lost 13 pounds and got pregnant!

  7. Anonymous9:52 AM

    If I were you, I would ask myself what would Cassie do? She is so real to both of us. I listen to books as I walk and walk and walk. I love the place you stayed. I dream about all of us bloggers meeting for a retreat....... just to talk and laugh. I am now keeping a list of things I do NOT eat and it is growing and I am not.

    1. This would be a great place for us all to get together! I usually talk/write Cassie when I do go walking. I wish I was as active as she is!

  8. Find a friend to work out with, then you will feel obligated to work out because you don't want to let your friend down. Use the cookbooks that are made for quick and easy preparation (I am still learning to cook and hate doing dishes). Six small meals a day. If you plan it out at regular intervals then you shouldn't get hungry and you end up eating less. btw, easier said than done (from personal experience)
    Love the pictures of the retreat. Looks like a slice of heaven.

    1. Maybe I'd enjoying cooking more after I retire (but I doubt it). You have all the right ideas, but that easier said than done always seems to get me.

      You'd love this place!

  9. I am glad you shared your list. You know you are not alone and sometimes it does help to put it out there. I am struggling the same and have yet to find the magic - but I am working towards the same goal and have been contemplating putting something up on my blog as motivation...if I could just get motivated to do it. :-) The place looked like a lovely inspiration for writing. :-) Take care

    1. Motivation is a scarce commodity these days it seems. Maybe what we're all looking for is magic - I haven't found it in real life.

  10. PK: Last spring I had a moment of inspiration. My wife had been telling me for years that she worried I wouldn't be around in our retirement years. It finally dawned on me while on a 2 day trip away from home that I had to act on her request. Sitting on a counter at my primary care doctor's office a couple of weeks later there was a brochure for a nutritionist and a series of 6 group sessions.
    That nutritionist has change our lives. My wife is the person who cooks in our home. She came with me despite the fact she is in excellent shape and already ate lots of veggies, no snacks, etc.
    The nutritionist knew all the science and medical facts I required for proof. Beyond that, she knew the local grocery stores inside out and not just the natural or healthy food stores. And beyond that she demonstrated what she was talking about. For example, she gave us all a piece of kale raw, just as it might appear in a salad. YUCK. Then she cooked it for 1 minute. Much better. Finally, she showed us how to cook / steam the kale for 5 minutes. Great - just as good as, but different from, spinach which I like.
    Gone from our kitchen are regular salt (we use sea salt), sugar (beyond cutting back, we use maple syrup for most "sweet" needs in cooking), breads (except whole grains with a small amount of sugar - need to react with the yeast), and ... well you get a bit of an idea.

    My wife's big concession: no more diet soda because of the tremendous damage artificial sugar does to your sugar sensors on your tongue and in your brain. So add to your list of solutions: Group sessions with a youngish (current learning) nutritionist. And, please, please, please ... consider cutting all artificial sweetners out of your life which means reading labels carefully I'm sorry to say. It must be done.

    Second suggestion: There is an incredibly valuable video called "Forks Over Knives." You can download it from the internet, order a DVD or probably check it out from your library. It features three medical professionals who started looking at the effect of food intake on health. One was a neurosurgeon at the Cleveland Clinic. He assembled a panel of about 20 patients from the clinic with very serious health problems: heath conditions, diabetes (advanced), COPD, morbid obesity. Each predicted to die with 5 years. He put them on the way of eating described in Forks over Knives and, if I recall correctly, all but 1 is still alive something like 15 years later.

    Finally: "If you feel a little bit hungry, that is the sound of victory." (Yeah, I know it isn't a sound but that's the way it is told to me.)
    Don't diet; change your life. That's my advice and I hope some of it is worth a bit more than what you paid for it. Jon

    PS Yes, I sound like a typical "new convert" and I am. But if a typical male all meat and no greens person can do it, then most people with a bigger brain (aka women) make a change. At least most women also have a bigger tush, but that's another story.

    1. Jon,
      You were kind to comment - this is excellent information. I can't imagine how a 'all meat and no greens' person as I am could make this change. To me it sounds like climbing Mount Everest. I know people do it, but to me it seems impossible. I HAVE to make changes, but I'm not sure I could contemplate anything this drastic yet. I'm still trying to make myself stop drinking regular sodas. I goess baby steps for me, but at least I'm taking them.

    2. PK: If I had to identify one thing that changed it is this: I love my wife. She wanted to see me demonstrate that love in a tangible way. [She never said this; it took me years to figure it out re my eating.] Saying I love her and actually doing things that show it are different.

      I could visualize us in retirement; however, I could also visualize her living alone for years. She wanted one and not the other. I'm older than my wife. Most women outlive men. If I didn't act soon, her fear would be her reality.

      Thus, I finally found the "right" reason to take better care of myself. Everyone's "right" reason will be different.

      Baby steps are excellent. But, like that wobbly baby, if you land on your bumper (soda) just get up and take that next step. Keep moving. There WILL be bumps. Do NOT use a bump as an excuse; use it as a motivator.

      Yesterday I went off program and had a rich cookie. Today .. I'm 'fessing up and using my embarrassment to help avoid today's cookie ... or pita chip(S!).

    3. You make an excellent point.

  11. PK, Please listen to your body while you still have the choice to change. Otherwise, once the choice is taken away (by chronic illness etc) your life choices are also taken away and believe me that is no fun.

    I am also a snacker; constantly grazing. But the simple choice to change from sugary biscuits and chocolate to veg and salads and from sweet drinks to water may be all you need.

    Please listen to Jon...those comments are very relevant, especially the bit about artificial sweeteners...they are major poisons and are worse that the sugar they replace.

    Your life, especially to this community, is too precious to lose. A small change now may save a lot of heart-break later

    1. Absolutely! I know these things - why is it so hard for me to DO what I know is right for me. But I am listening to all of you and I thank you all for your concern.

  12. I understand where you're coming from - when I'm hungry, fruits and veggies are the last thing I crave! But the truth is, they do a better job at filling you up. If you eat healthy meals and snacks, you're less likely to feel hungry throughout the day! And you'll feel better all around. Healthy food is better for energy levels, the digestive system, you name it. It's never bad to have a clear mind for writing!

    Going to exercise class helps too. Sometimes just going to the gym doesn't make me push myself the way going to a class does. Plus the instructor knows what they're doing (I never have a clue) and can help :) It's also a scheduled time. If you know there's yoga class every Wednesday night, it's easier to work into your routine and go to, instead of trying to encourage yourself at random times to go to the gym.

    I wish you the best of luck. Think of it like writing. Sometimes getting started is the hardest part - but once you get going, it's hard to stop!

    1. I do sometimes laugh at some things I've seen where someone is craving French fries and someone offers carrot sticks instead - come on people NOT the same thing. Not that carrot sticks wouldn't be better - just saying.

      I am making changes and moving toward fruits may be something I can truly begin with. That and giving up my beloved soft drink may well be the place to begin. I promise not to go to diet drinks - unhealthy and I don't like the taste. I do like water pretty well and I better learn to love it. Thanks

  13. Anonymous11:12 PM

    Maybe you could consider getting a dog someday :) It's a good reason to get out walking!

    1. You might be right. I remember a doctor saying years ago, "You need to get out and walk the dog at least 5 days a week. And I don't care if you have a dog or not."

  14. We need to talk! One thing I have read is the new research that if you vary the intensity of your workout it doesn't need to be as long!
    As to the eating....well you need to find what works for you otherwise you will never stick to it. I do the Keto adapted diet and it is working for me. However it takes some planning. The motivation has always been the results for me.
    The room and weekend writing both sound great. I hope we get new Cassie soon!

    1. I think I'll probably go with Weight Watchers. It's the one I understand the best and I think that's important. Yep, another Cassie is almost ready.

  15. Drinking water, including no cal vitamin water, instead of soda is a good first step.


    1. FD, I have to do it but giving up my soft drinks is very hard.

  16. Hi PK,
    I have shared a few of your same struggles in the past. All I can tell you is what worked for me. I had to completely cut out fast food and soft drinks except for once a month, and I met with a registered dietician twice to explore my nutritional options. I also had to learn to change my mindset regarding food. I learned that your taste buds can evolve if you let them, and I educated myself about the dangers of processed food. Now I enjoy lots of delicious, uncomplicated healthy foods, as nutrition instead of comfort. I never knew that eating just what I felt like eating was a way of indulging and comforting myself. So now I eat mainly for fuel for my body, and indulge myself in other, healthier ways. I still struggle sometimes, but it's easier after you get the first couple months under your belt. And the best reward is when your clothes start fitting better! I hope you find something helpful in some of these comments, even if it's not in this one :)

    1. Thanks River, can taste buds really evolve at my age - pushing 60? I've never been able to talk myself into eating things I don't like. I can - sometimes - talk myself out of eating the bad stuff, but that's as far as I've gotten.

  17. Anonymous4:25 AM

    Pk, I think that all the energy you used to do nothing with this energy, you would already lose so there 3 kg.
    I go to WW and Han van Meeregen on Infinitesimal Thoughts
    does WW too and we support each other. Come and join us. Yesterday I weighed myself and in 4 weeks, I lost 1.6 kg without exercise. And there's plenty of food without vegetables. I have a tätknat so there 6 month program, so if I can not I lose a lot of money ... and I do not want to do.
    Blog about this, have goals, and we will help you through it.
    If you Want Nick`s support, ask him to do all this amazing food for you. Then he shows you that he cares. Ask him to help you with that. (Spanking can you save for nicer occasions ..lo ..)
    He can also eat WW food and do not need to lose weight.
    The food on WW is very diverse and really good.

    Some things should just be done, without a need to think about them too much, like brushing your teeth or get up in the morning. Think of WW elller what you find on the way.

    Or maybe a counselor or private trainer would help you with motivation?

    1. I'm going to join WW Friday - that the day I always weigh and that's when I want to begin. I've lost on it before. I really hope it will work again. Nick has always eaten a healthy diet. Probably why he hasn't gained but three pounds since we married.