Talk, don't talk, spank, don't spank - I'm so confused!

I guess I’m going crazy. The Dr. Phil show I posted about said it was coming on on our station Wednesday. When I set up the DVR the title of the show was “I spanked my wife and she need to repent.” But that’s not what came on. I’m still seeing the commercials for it, but it no longer gives a specific day. Well, I’m going to keep looking for it.

As I wait for that I’m going to talk about Nick and me. But I don’t know what I’m going to say. I’ve had no written response to my email. I need us to talk, I need him to give me the opportunity to talk (and by talk I mean write). I believe he thinks he just needs to spank me and all will be well. That’s not what I want. Not by itself. Not without some understand behind it. My weight still sucks and I’m still not doing anything about it. I feel like I’m in limbo. Waiting to see if ‘we’re’ going to do anything about it or waiting to tell him to just step back from the problem completely and I’ll see what I can do. I know – I’m using this as another excuse to do nothing for the moment.

This would be so much easier if I could just blame Nick for not reading my mind and giving me what I want. Sadly if he could read my mind I’m afraid it would look something like this,

“Fk fjijk ldjf reuuci jdljrrkelhta; c iso hie hcoojte iveoh d vdiso;hc hu dic ncxnci dohfjhenvd v fj fjjc j f fCNo dc ljflu v jidjv cjS jcldsu souwsje fen dn d ccdnfedj s’ cis ‘seeje oscdo mksxksn jidhi jxucm ksfnek; hviovjs issaj sijid sjei jsh dhd.”

I don’t have a clue either. One part of me really, really want’s to try some discipline to help me be accountable for doing something about my health. It’s the only thing that has ever worked. But doing it half-heartedly or sporadically does me more harm than good. It’s my version of the worst yo-yo diet.

I get sad and depressed because there is no spanking in my life and I don’t give a shit about doing anything, including anything for my health – I become a ‘leave-me-alone blob’.  I whine to you all and eventually Nick, and he steps up. I come here all excited that we’re ‘going to try again’ only to have Nick interested for a week or two - then nothing. I get more depressed; withdraw into my head more and I even feel embarrassed to come talk here. Hell, I’ve written the same damn post about every six months or so for eight frickin’ years now.

Yesterday he spanked in the kitchen, about lack of weight loss, but it seemed like a random act of spanking. It just hurt, that’s all. No emotion, no connection, no feeling behind it – for either of us, it seemed to me. Bless his heart, I know he wants to help me with all of this. He knows I like spanking and I know this was an attempt to give me what I need. But getting hit on the butt isn’t what I need.

What do I do? Beg him to help? Tell him to back off? And most importantly, how do I get myself off my ass and just do it on my own? That would be so much easier than trying to explain what I need to Nick, or myself.