I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Avoiding depression

I realized today just how much I owe to blogging and all the friends I have here.  I happened to talk to two of my closest friends today.  I heard the exact thing from both of them.  They are both suffering from depression.  They are dealing with jobs they don’t like, husbands that they no longer feel close to and children who have left home.  This was exactly, exactly where I was headed.

Now that I’m firmly middle aged (assuming I’ll live to be 110, that is) I realize what a depressing time this can be, especially for women.  I remember being around the age of 3 when I realized I wanted to be a mom someday.  I spent most 31 years wishing for a child.  Then LJ and Mollie came along.  Motherhood was the only thing in life that exceeded my expectations.  I love being their mother.  But LJ is grown and living far away.  Mollie is finishing her first year of college and will probably never live here full time again.  What had been my main focus in life is accomplished.  I know I could easily have a ‘what now’ feeling.

Nick and I weren’t really very close BB (before blogging).  We were friendly and pleasant but he concentrated on work and I focused on the kids.  Our sex life was sporadic and not particularly satisfying for either of us.  That’s because the switch to my sexuality was wrapped up with the ideas of spanking, dominance, submission and all that goes with it.  And I sure as hell wasn’t sharing that information with anyone!  I knew I was sick in the head and NO one else had such strange thoughts and longing.  I knew Nick would be disgusted to find out his wife harbored such perverted thoughts. So I kept everything hidden.

But then (and at the perfect time in my life), I went online and typed ‘spanking’ into Google.  That day, nearly that instant, my life changed.  I found Bonnie’s, My Bottom Smarts.  I was like a person who had been shut away in darkness seeing the first ray of light.  What I found amazed and thrilled me.  I was not alone.  Others, many others, felt the same way I did.  They not only admitted to these feelings they reveled in them, they were proud of who they were, they embraced this unique difference and discussed it at length with one another and they were welcoming and encouraging to newcomers.

Without my ‘new beginning’ right now I could be in a marriage with no closeness, in a job situation that makes me unhappy, my life’s goal – the kids, nearly totally on their own and needing me very little, nothing to look forward to.  I guess I’d be pretty depressed too.

Instead, because of blogging, I got the courage to come out to Nick.  Our marriage, our closeness, our sex life couldn’t be much better.  I am still not thrilled with work, but I only have another 4 1/2 years to go, and I have happier things to think about.  My kids are away, but they are happy and productive, in small part, because their mom is happy.  I have no desire to live through them so they share with me their joys, disappointments, and secrets knowing I have no desire to run their lives – I’m too busy enjoying my own.

As for something to look forward to – the blogs have given me that also.  Blogging tapped a creative side of me I never knew existed.  I love writing!  It doesn’t look like the person I was working with is going to have the time to help me get the Cassie book ready to publish at this time.  But that’s okay, I will publish them, but until I retire I’m not going to sweat it.  I can continue to work on the books – the first is the only one put together, and when I’m done teaching I’ll be ready to get them published.  Coming out with a few sexy/spanko books might not be the best thing for an elementary teacher in a small southern town while I’m still teaching anyway.  I’d never be able to push them in my real life if I published now.  If I wait I can give it my all.  Who knows, maybe Cassie and Tom can be the next 50 shades of gray– of course for them it will mean hair color!

Blogging has given me closeness in my marriage when I feared it was too late and many good friends who understand me more that most people I know in real life.  Blogging has given me the courage to write and a dream for the future, doing something I truly enjoy. Will the books ever be published?  I don’t know, but I love the excitement of writing them.  I have hope that with hard work it will happen.  I think it’s that hope, that excitement for the future, that wards off the depressions that can so easily grab women my age. So for everyone who has a blog here, thank you!  For everyone who reads here or at Cassie’sSpace and has commented or even mentally wished me well, thank you! I guess you can see why I continue to urge others to blog!


  1. Hey, I happen to be up a little later tonight and just read your post. I am not your age and I don't have kids, but I have many of the same feelings and thoughts you express here.
    You have encouraged me in blogging so much. I am sorry about the book publishing timing, but sounds like a good plan for the future when you retire and it is a dream you don't have to give up. You'll continue to have a relationship with your kids, but it will look different. But, you'll always be their Mom! Anyway, you mention Bonnie and her site as a ray of light. I think so too, but know yours is shining brightly for all of us out here!! (I hope you'll be blogging at 100+) Hugs friend.

  2. I so know what you are talking about. The blogging world did so much for me too. In less than a year my life has changed for the better almost 100%. I love your Cassie posts and I love your post especially the way you support others, especially writers. Thank you.

  3. PK, don't rush it, when you do finally get the Cassie books together they will be great.
    As for E L James, don't worry, at least you know what you are writing about.
    Love and warm hugs,

  4. Oh, what a lovely post! I love what you say about having your own life and not needing to live through your kids. That is such a burden for kids to have to live out their parents' dream. I am glad that things are going well with you and that you are happy where you are now.

    And haven't we ALL typed spanking into Google? :)

  5. Great post PK. Blogging has helped me too, and it is you I have to thank for it. Your blog was one of the first ones I found, and as you know, you are the one I reached out to. In many ways it was your encouragement and support that convinced me to start my own blog. I will be forever grateful my friend, for you and your writing :)

  6. Great post PK. I'm sure it will hit home with a lot of your readers. it may even help some lurkers "come out"

    You are great and thanks for being my friend. You have unleashed the dragon as far my writing and your encouragement to myself and others is a hallmark of New Beginnings.

    Just like everything else in life, when the time is right, the door will open and Cassie and Tom will walk through.

  7. Anonymous12:09 PM

    I think it's neat that you're writing because you want to and that you still have goals. Good luck with Cassie and Tom:)!


  8. Anonymous2:36 PM

    Hi, I can really relate to your life before and after. I don't blog but I appreciate those of you who do esp. for the "I'm not crazy" feeling I have when you or someone else has the same thoughts I have. Thank you for your time, experience, and creativity (I love Cassie's space). Lucy

  9. I think the Cassie books would be an absolutely wonderful success. I love reading the posts over there as well as here!

  10. SNP
    Thanks, girl! You’re right about the kids. Sometimes I think Mollie talks to me more now that when she was home. I have enough material for about 5 books now – give me another 4 1/2 years and who knows!

    I love meeting others here and I love trying to encourage everyone to write and explore their desires. I’m so glad you like Cassie.

    LOL! Thanks Paul,
    I may have begun my research on the Internet, but then it switched to experimentation – and there is nothing like the real thing!

    With the kids I wouldn’t have felt I’d done my job right if they hadn’t been anxious to head out on their own dreams. And that particular google is something we all share!

    Others helped and I’m happy to be able to encourage others. Our common ground, TTWD, is still too taboo for prime time. We all need to be here for each other.

    I guess blogging unleashed the dragon writer in both of us. I’d love to see a lurker or two pop out. As for Cassie and Tom I think you’re right, their time will come.

    Thanks Kitty,
    I tell my students that I hope to be a writer with I grow up.

    Thank you for stopping by. I agree it’s great that so many of us share the same feelings. I don’t like that we have to be ‘in the closet’, but it’s nice to have so many of us in here. I’m glad you enjoy Cassie.

    Thanks that’s the best complement I could have!

  11. Patty1:14 AM

    Publish when it's the right time for you. You keep us all happy with your Cassie stories now.You and the other bloggers I've found through your blog have lent credence to the life we led. Never heard of DD, D/s, TTWD or any of the others 50 some years ago but we lived with respect, honor,honesty and love. Thanks again for the laughs and some tears.

  12. Lovely post PK. There's no rush for the books to be published but when they are I know they will be a great success for you. I look forward to that day.


  13. PK: Wonderfor for you to share how blogging has changed your life. And thanks again for encouraging me to blog because it also changed my life. And we would have never met otherwise. Looking forward to you publishing the Casssie books when you are retired and have time to promote them. Now that E.L. James has turned a book on this lifestyle into the mainstream, there may be more of a market for your Cassie books. Good luck. And your life now has such a nice lived happily ever after touch to it. It's nice to able to count you as one of my friends.


  14. I am glad you have found happiness in writing and blogging...if it hadn't been for you and Bonnie and Eve and Grace out here in blogland I would have felt alone on my journey too...and while I rarely read as much anymore I always come back to visit you my friend - I am forever grateful for your support...as for goals of wanting to be a Mommy - I understand - fortunately I have a few more years before an empty nest arrives and I have my business I will still have when the time comes and a loving husband - now if I can just get him on the same page so we have a strong relationship to hold us together when it is finally just us...as for the books just enjoy writing them for now - what a great positive attitude...and I know you will have many readers when the time comes... Hugs, Terps

  15. Patty,
    I think you and your husband probably had what we are all looking for. Blogging it’s fun, but you got to live it and you can’t beat that. Now… would you perhaps care to share a real life story for a FF for us? Think about it.

    I hope you’re right. What fun that would be.

    I hope you might be right. But it will be a while before I’m out there. Those that are playing at it for a novelty will be over it by then, but us die-hards will always be around!

    I always enjoy hearing from you. I know your life is very busy right now, especially with the kids and it’s not going to get much calmer in your near future. I’m glad I’ve been ready for each stage. I had always thought I couldn’t stand having my kids grow up and head out. But it doesn’t happen overnight and when it came I was ready. You are smart to have other interest while you are fully enjoying the kids.

  16. Anonymous12:12 AM

    I love coming here to read. I dont always comment here or at Cassie's but i totally understand about coming out in a small southern town cause i live in one. I think Cassie and Tom's adventures are better than 50 shades of grey anyday.

  17. Anonymous5:30 PM

    hi pk, kiwi here. lovely post. love your contentment and happiness.
    just to let u know im out of action for about 3 months. broken my arm quite badly and also having bprobs with email and blogger grrrr im here but not if that makes sense! hope to check in again soon. can u let everyone know for me please? thanks. oh and just so u know kids will always need their moms no matter vhow old or how far away they are. right now i need my mum more than ever and im 43 lol....
    love and hus kiwi xxxx

  18. Lovely to read this post and know where you are now...
    Rosie Dee