I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I need help understanding

I often come here to help sort out what I'm thinking and often you guys help me to understand. I hope you'll help with this. My confusion today is about jealously. I need someone to explain the concept to me. I’m not kidding I honestly don’t understand. I have many friends both here and in real life where jealously is a real and serious problem in their lives. Here is the way I see it - tell me where I’m wrong.

Nick and I love each other and we are still together after 28 years for one reason – we want to be together. If Nick suddenly decided there was another woman he wanted to be with more than me there is not one thing I could do about it. I could tell him I still loved him, I could see if there were problems in our marriage that we could work on, I could cry, I could possible even beg. But even if those things ‘worked’ what would that get me except a man staying with me out of guilt when he really wanted to be with someone else? Who could possible want that? Don’t get me wrong. If Nick left me I would be devastated, hurt, angry, the works, but that’s different from being jealous. Jealously seems to be when you’re scared every time they are out of your sight that they are going to be with someone else. To tell you the truth that has never once occurred to me. Should he ever leave I would be totally blindsided. But I won’t waste any time on jealously. Honestly if I were with a man who I felt would cheat on me, my first thought would be "She can have him", because I sure as hell wouldn't want him.

The exact same thing goes for me. If there was a man I loved more than Nick (fat chance of that!) and I wanted to be with that person then I’d leave Nick and go. There wouldn’t be any way to stop me. So this is why I don’t understand the whole jealously thing. If you’re with someone isn’t it because you want to be?

I once had a friend whose husband cheated on her multiple times. When she would find out she would be furious and swear revenge – against the other woman. I never got that. Don’t get me wrong, I have little compassion or understanding for a woman who runs around with a married man. But had it been me, my fury would have been directed pretty much totally at the husband! He was the one who held her hand before God and their friends and promised that he would be faithful to her – that other woman hadn’t promised her a darn thing. In the case of my friend at least one of the women didn’t even know the guy was married. But the husband knew, he made the choice to cheat on his wife and I always felt she put the blame on the wrong person.

I know that this is a serious problem for many and I don’t mean to make light of it. But I really don’t understand it. What am I leaving out of my thinking?


  1. PK, not being a jealous person I don't really really know.
    However, I suspect deep seated insecurity is largely the problem.
    The reasons can be many and varied.
    Such a person needs a partner they can trust absolutely, jealousy can be extremely damaging.
    Love and warm hugs,

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  2. Hi :) I'm still finding my way around blogland and came across your blog today.
    I consider myself fairly laid back and not all that of a jealous person but having been in a previous marriage where my husband was unfaithful, I always find I have one eye open, if you know what I mean.
    Jealousy is just another emotion that we are all capable of but I think it takes something like infidelity to unleash it?
    Now with hindsight, I can see that it was the 'two' of us that contributed to the marriage breakdown but at the time......the heart is seriously hurting and becomes blinded by jealousy.
    Its something that,for a while, seems uncontrollable, it kinda takes over.
    Why wasn't I good enough for him?
    and He obviously doesn't love me enough are two of many questions that go round and round in your mind.
    And of course, you are still trying to cope with the pain of perhaps losing your husband to someone else so to not upset the applecart too much, you tend to focus more on the person who he was having an affair with and also because it's a direct 'kick in the teeth'........ is she prettier than me? What has she got that I haven't? etc etc
    Unless you have experienced this type of betrayal, I agree that it would be hard to understand and I totally agree with Paul,jealousy is something that can become extremely damaging and I think more often than not, where the marriage could maybe be saved after infidelity, the jealousy leftover finishes the relationship off.
    Once it has been broken, the hardest thing in the world to do, is to trust again.

  3. Whatever you are leaving out, I am leaving out too. I completely relate to the post. I didn't get the jealous gene either. Thank you Lord

  4. I'm not a jealous person so I'm afraid I can't help you with this one PK.

    I have to agree with Paul, insecurity can be part of the problem.

    Will be interested to read other comments.

  5. I agree - jealousy and insecurity tend to go hand-in-hand. Some women might see their husband cheating on them as a way to find someone who is "better" than them, and consequently they will be jealous that their husband preferred the other woman. Even if you blamed your husband for the entire thing, you would probably still find yourself wondering, "What does she have that I don't?"

    I'm not a particularly jealous person either, and I don't think that Leo and I could ever cheat on one another. I also agree with Paul - if you can't trust your partner absolutely, then jealousy is certainly damaging.

  6. I'm not a jealous person, but my husband can be. Sometimes it's insecurity, and sometimes he gets quite upset if I am just spending more time with say, a friend, than with him. I'm careful not to rouse his jealousies even though I can't completely understand. Somehow he has never felt he totally "has me" although of course he does. DD has helped him and he loves our dynamic and is actually holding me in a little tighter grip since he knows he's in charge.

  7. I used to tease my husband that if he had an affair I would NOT divorce him, that if I was going to be angry and bitter...he was going to have to live with me and share the misery.

    Thankfully, we're happy and not a jealous bone anywhere! :)

  8. Jealosy has never been a part of my relationship so I do not necessarily know the answer. Both me and my husband and I love each other and that is that. Our relationship is based on trust. I think jealosy comes to play when trust is absent or their are past hurts or issues to cause insecurities or perhaps some are just born with the emotion of jealosy more than others. But again I really do not have an experienced answer. With regards to cheating I have fortunately never experienced it either but I do know it takes two people to cheat, not one.

  9. PK, you aren't leaving out a thing.

  10. Paul,
    I guess insecurity is at the root. And I guess that really hard to overcome. No one wants to feel jealously or insecurity.

    Hey Dee,
    I’m glad you found your way here and I hope you’ll come back. I think I do understand more by what you said. I guess sometimes feelings of jealously just come, especially if you have lost someone you cared about to another. I guess is like feeling sad – you weren’t planning to, it just hits you. And some people might be more predisposed to feeling sad than others.

    I’m beginning to think jealously is either it’s in you or it’s not. I guess we’re very lucky.

    It’s a wonderful feeling to never have to deal with jealousy. I know I could feel anger but like I said, if someone didn’t want me I wouldn’t waste my time being jealous – I think I would just stay pissed!

    I think is one thing that could rip a marriage apart, especially if there is no real reason for the jealously. I mean one person is torn apart by feelings of jealously and the other partner has no way to prove that they’re faithful. What a mess that would be.

    I’ve picked that up in your blog and that one of the things that has confused me. Anyone who reads you knows without a shadow of a doubt that you adore your husband and that you would be faithful to him always. Funny how we all see it but he doesn’t fully grasp it. I wish he understood that’s one fear he doesn’t need to have.

    An excellent way to handle it! Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth, was interviewed once and she was asked if she had ever contemplated divorce. She answered “Divorce, no. But I have contemplated murder.”

    Maybe those of us who don’t understand jealously just need to thank our lucky stars that we don’t have to deal with it.

    I glad you understand.

  11. Thanks PK. And I meant a little LOOSER grip..of course :)

  12. I've been lurking about the corners of your blog, but I thought I'd jump in for this topic as it was one I posted on not too long ago. I'm not jealous by nature, but I find that if I start to feel insecure that way I can almost always pin-point where its coming from.

    I've dated men in the past who would wander off in social settings and ignore me, "why am I here, if you're not wanting to spend a little time with me?" Or when someone has flirted with disregard to our relationship status. I have a naturally flirty personality, but I am ever-aware of how I present myself so as not to hurt my partner without thought.

    J is jealous because he's been hurt before. His last wife had "planned" to cheat, but got caught before she could. And his past girlfriends had generally been domineering and at times uncaring I feel. Looking for a reaction rather than positive attention. I just try to keep things balanced for us, but I still don't understand his theory on, "if I don't have a fear of losing you, I'm not really appreciating what I have."

    Anyway, just my thoughts...

  13. Autumn,
    I'm so glad you delurked! I think we pretty much agree. I don't understand J's thinking but you're good to make him feel comfortable. I know jealously is hard for a person to control. As long as they don't go overboard I think most of us can deal with it.