I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, January 04, 2010

I need something

I need discipline. I need it on so many levels and I’m not getting it anywhere. This isn’t to rag on Nick. Yeah, I wish he was into it but I don’t think that is ever gonna happen. My problem is that I can’t even seen to muster any discipline for myself.

I don’t make New Year resolutions but of course there are things I want to work on and improve. I go to the gym but I can’t seem to make myself work there like I should. I decide – no more soft drinks and before the morning is over I find myself standing at the drink machine feeding it money. I’ll tell myself snack on an apple and I’ll reach for a candy bar. I say get off your butt and play the wii for a while and I sit and stare. I say go to bed at a decent hour and often I’m still sitting here after midnight.

Even stuff I want to do, I don’t do. I start to write stories and get half way through and stop. I get emails from friends and want to answer them – and I don’t. I read the good posts that others write and want to comment but I don’t.

A little good diet news wouldn’t hurt. I had high hopes for this week. I mean I know a colonoscopy isn’t a diet plan but I thought fasting for 48 hours and being careful not to go crazy once I could eat would at least keep me level, nope I gained a pound.

So here I sit discouraged and lacking motivation of any kind. I wish Nick were into some discipline. I know that would help but if it’s not something he wants to do then it’s not the same. I don’t want to be on his ‘to do’ list. I just want to be interested again, I want to feel engaged again, I want to feel something besides blank.


  1. "I want to feel something besides blank."

    Can you feel how much I love you, and how much I care?


  2. I wish I knew how to give it to you. Would a hug do until I figure it out?

    Lots of love and Huggs!

  3. Ditto...i know exactly how you feel..wish things were different...hugs!

  4. Anonymous11:52 AM

    Dear PK,

    I am so glad that you wrote how you feel. It hurts worse to pretend. You will be deserving of all the support you get here - both on and off the blog. My heart goes out to you as you struggle and perhaps learn to accept that Nick is Nick and you will come back to feeling in love with him for who is - not who you want him to be. Hang in there and try to care with just one decision a day in the right direction. Big hugs and loving support, KayLynn

  5. Pk, Hope you get what you need,soon.

  6. PK, you know that you have my support.
    KayLynn is right, one small step a day, you will be surprised how far that can take you.
    Some advice, try and change your habits, when you go to the drink or snack dispenser, do something else.
    Many addictions are habits just writ large.
    That is how I stopped smoking nearly 25 years ago.
    I have faith in you, you will do it, and make Nick and your friends proud of you.
    Love and warm hugs,

  7. PK: KayLynn certainly did a good job of summing up the situation. Nick is Nick and you love him as he is, but I just had a thought. Too bad the holiday season is over because you could have asked for some discipline as a present. You could have told him it's a lot cheaper than a trip to Paris or a diamond from Tiffany's. LOL. Or easier than doing the dishes. LOL.

    Anyway, I guess you'll have to settle for some self discipline.

    Good luck in avoiding those sodas and other things you know you should avoid.

    And the idea of a colonoscopy as diet was pretty good. LOL. It's so much fun to read your blog even when you're somewhat down. I think it's always good to express yourself.


  8. CeeCi I can - And I hope you know it really does help.

    That hug helps too.

    I know you're right there with me.

    Nick is the best man in the world. I do know that. Everything I have ever said about him on here is the truth. He spoils me and most important he really, really loves me. If he wasn't the man he is we would never have gained the closeness we have lately. So here I am stuck - one part of me wants him to use a little discipline and the other part of me doesn't want him to change one bit! LOL! See - I even confuse myself!

    Maybe I will. I certainly appreciate all the support.

    Thanks Paul,
    Both you and Kaylynn have good ideas. I do need to start on small things and make sure that I keep one goal in mind at the time.

    Florida Dom,
    You make me feel good. I just like to farble around on the blog. Up or down I do like to blog.

    But discipline isn't something you can really ask for. It has to be something he feels comfortable with and wants to do.

  9. Can you feel my arms stretching from across the pond giving you a big hug?

    I know you know how lucky you are to have Nick and you wouldn't really want to change who he is. You can't get somebody to do something that's not in their nature.

    Here's a couple of ideas PK - Take fruit, your own lunch and drink to school. Don't take any money so you can't go to the machines (don't ask to borrow any money for the machine)and don't take any candy bars.

    When Nick goes to bed, go at the same time. Even if you sit in bed for a while longer and read/blog

    Love and hugs.

  10. Anonymous10:51 AM

    I don't know if I've ever commented here or not but I've been reading a little under a year or more and my heart went out to you when I read this post. It's partly because of you that I had the courage to come out to J. I was lucky that he took to it like a duck to water, but we're a long way from arriving and there are times when I feel just like this but more than that before This could have been on my blog, so I wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch but hang in there,and then I thought I'd share something that helped me discipline myself. I don't know if this will work for you or not and it's rather simple but I made lists. I needed to feel pressure to do something to actually get it done, even when it was really important stuff that I really wanted to get done, so I started putting stuff that I wanted to get done on a list and set my goal to have it done by a certain time or by the end of the day or whenever, but something soon and if I got it done I would reward myself with something I really wanted to do even if it was a diet soda or an hour watching tv. At first the lists were small and very attainable so it would encourage me . As time went on the lists are bigger and sometimes I amaze myself at all I can get done. Even though J spanks me now and we're in a full out dd relationship I still need them because We're new and there are things that I would like J to hold me accoutable for but he doesn't see it as important enough to warrant discipline so I put those things on my lists and work on them daily. sorry for the book. like I said I don't know if it will help or not but it worked for me. I'll be thinking of ya hoping things get better

  11. Ronnie,
    I do feel your support and I appreciate it very much.

    All your ideas are good – now if I can only make myself do them.

    I really appreciate you stopping by and leaving a comment. You don’t know what it means to think that the blog really might help some couples become closer to partner by sharing this desire with them. I will be headed to your site very soon to do some reading.

    Your idea about making lists might help. I used to do that and then I let the habit die out. Maybe I should try again. I hope you’ll be back.