Something EVERY spanko should have in their home

There are lots of things every spanko needs. Prevertibles in every room, implements and a secure place to store them, a ‘traditional’ spanking spot, thought anywhere is fine in a pinch. I think Velcro cuffs and a blindfold are essential. I imagine each of you could add to this list. But a friend, my lovely and helpful editor Rosie Dee, shared with me something her husband had ‘created’ just for her. 

 Nope, I'm not talking about these.

It was a picture. They'd had it for a while, but now it’s matted and framed and hanging in their bedroom. The picture took only seconds to make and at almost no cost. It’s ordinary enough, if people see it they might ponder why you have this particular picture up. But I believe kids, grandkids and the occasion friend could see it without ever guessing the significance of it. 

But we’d know the significance. We’d glance at it often. There’s a good chance it would be pointed out to us occasionally.

So tell me what you think. Imagine the picture below, customized by your own loving husband, beautifully matted and framed and hanging on your bedroom, bathroom or office wall. I like the idea!

Blogging blockers

I’ve enjoyed blogging since I first discovered what blogs were. But being away from home for a while always throws me off my blogging endeavors. We had a good trip to the beach last week, but now that I’m back home, things happen to keep me away from the computer.

There was Mother’s Day, of course. That was fun. The boys sent me some lovely flowers. 

Mollie gave me a portable charger that I’d been wanting and together they gave us tickets to see my very favorite comedian Jennie Robertson. People if you haven’t seen this woman go to you-tube now and watch a few clips. You’ll be a fan for sure.

Then there was unpacking to do, which I hate.

The house is going to have to be cleaned and I see no cleaning fairies on the way.

A friend and I are going to lunch.

I’m retired so the better part of my week is visiting various doctor’s offices. There is nothing wrong with me, thank goodness, but evidently the doctors are in desperate need of my insurance co-pay. Yearly physical and mammogram await me this week. Eye doctor and dentist loom soon.

The pool needs to be opened.

Flowers need planting.

There are books to be read.

There are books to be written.

All these things may be what people sometime call, ‘real life.’ I’m not sure I approve. I’ll look into it, but I imagine I’ll be back to blogging before it can really take hold.

Living in Mayberry and other stuff

I often feel like I live in Mayberry. You know, with Andy, Opie and Aunt Bee. But I was very happy the other day to realize that Mollie’s little town is even more like it. She called me the other day as she got off school. I asked how her day had gone and she said, “Fine, the police only had to talk to me once.”

It seems that on routine patrol on Mollie’s street an officer saw her front door standing wide open, but her car was gone. The policeman stopped and checked behind the house but didn’t go inside the fence, where the two dogs were, to go up to look in the house.

He then called the school where Mollie works (we don’t know how he knew where she worked.) The conversation with the school secretary went something like this:

Officer: Hello, I need to speak with one of your teachers. I don’t know her name but she lives on In the middle of Nowhere Avenue. 

Sect: Hmm… I’m not sure who that is.

Officer: She’s the one with the golden retriever.

Sect: Oh! You’re talking about Maggie, that’s Mollie’s dog. I’ll ring her room.

They talked for a minute and Mollie realized that she had just pushed the door closed and then later put the dogs out the other door and forgot to firmly close and lock the front door. One of the dogs had evidently jumped on the door opening it. Mollie was able to run home, make a quick check through the house – the officer stayed while she checked she and was back at her school in  exactly six minutes. She said she was grateful that the police were so observant and she was most grateful that he didn’t go up to the open door and look in. She says that there was no doubt he would have assumed someone had gone in and ransacked the place! Unfortunately, she keeps house just like her mother.

As a mother I’m most grateful that the police notice such things and that he went to the trouble to track her down and got the situation corrected. Living in Mayberry isn’t so bad.

We had a small craft show in our town this weekend and I had a booth with my book marks and also a few of my Cassie paperbacks. I think I gained some real author credentials. When I would mention to folks my age and older that I wrote books, they would ask, 

“Can I get them at Barnes and Noble?”

“Umm… no, only on line.”

“But I can order the book on Amazon?”

“Well, no it’s an ebook. You know, for your Kindle.”

The next thing you know I was getting a half smile with an, “Oh, that’s nice.”

When they saw real book, I could tell they were truly impressed and I sold seven! Five to people I knew and two to a total stranger. Now that was a really great feeling.

One last thing – I was interviewed over at Becoming His – Beautifully His. My thanks to Jlynne. I think she did a lovely job. Please go by if you get the chance. Thanks!

TBT - You're not going to be naked at your own wedding?

This post first appeared in 2009. A lot's changed since then. But I still remember and understand the feeling of fear I had then.


Do you ever worry about someone finding out about your spanko side? I know most of us worry at least a little. And I know for some the idea is extremely frightening and we try to hide it.

I know it was scary for me at first. I have changed a lot over the years I’ve been here. In real life I have told one close friend and my sister (Hell, mostly everyone I know on FB knows, because I'm trying to sell books!) Both of them had the same reaction – surprise, amusement, total acceptance and underlying it all a complete lack of understanding of what spanking really means in my life. And that’s fine. I don’t care if they understand all the underlying thought on submission and dominance. They just know I enjoy being spanked and that the ability to open up to Nick and have him accepting my kink has made us a much happier couple.

I’m never planning to share with my kids – at least while they are kids. Of course LJ is twenty-one. I have no reason or plans to tell him but if he found out I believe that for the 30 seconds or less he actually thought about it (that’s about as long as he thinks about anything unless I write it up as a play) he would be amused. Now Mollie on the other hand would probably be mortified, about the spanking and equally about the fact we still have sex at all. (Now, ten years later, both kids know and they reacted about as I'd suspected. But in truth, neither really care.) No one on my side of the family would care and where Nick’s family would probably be embarrassed if they found out I know them well enough to be sure that they would never say a word to us.

If I was found out at work I would certainly have to take the blog private and that would be sad. I don’t think I would lose my job after all these years. And the reason I think I would keep my job is because THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS THING WE DO!

I look back in my blog and I can’t find one thing shocking in it. I have always been proud of a post I did that first year saying that we should not have to hide our kink, you can read it here if you are interested. All I’ve ever said is that I believe in consensual adult spanking. That I think it is sexy and that it makes me feel safe and protected. I have been married to the same man for twenty-six years and we have an active sex life that includes spanking. Sorry I can’t see anything wrong with any of this.

So while I know we don’t want to be found out I hope no one is ashamed of TTWD. Letting the spanko side of me out is the best thing I have ever done. It turned a hum-drum marriage into a strong, loving bond. It changed me from dreading sex to really looking forward to the time we can get the house alone. I am a much, much happier person. Being happier make me a better teacher, a better wife and a better mother. It was the catalysis in me losing forty pounds and it’s all tied up in my desire and goal to lose more. I wish our lifestyle could be discussed in the opened. Not to try to talk others into it but to encourage those who know that they have these tendencies to accept themselves and embrace what so many of us know works.

So what would I say if my ‘secret’ was to be discovered and I was confronted with it? Well, I remember an old episode from Star Trek, the Next Generation. In this show a woman from another

planet was getting ready to marry a man from Earth, a rather conservative man. Her grow daughter had her doubts because of their differences. The final straw came when the mother showed her daughter the wedding dress. In total shock the daughter looked at her mother in and asked in an incredulous voice, “Mother! You can’t mean you are not going to be naked at your own wedding!” The actress was so good at delivering that line I found myself shocked that the bride would be wearing clothes.

So if anyone should ever say to me, ‘You don’t mean your husband spanks you!” I’ll look at them with shock and concern and say, “Of course he does! Doesn’t yours?”

No one expected this

Sunday was quite a day. Nick was off on a golf weekend. We normally go to church each Sunday, but I sometimes play hooky when Nick's away. Yesterday, I decided to go and Mollie, just home from her cruise, decided to come with me.

I’ve mentioned our minister before. Ann is a wonderful woman, intelligent, beautiful and somewhat sassy. She’s been at our church for five years now and I wrote about our first meeting here – go back and read that now if you have time.

She and her husband divorced when she came to us. He had said he’d come with her, but in the end chose not to. It was hard on her, but I feel it gave her lots of compassion. She was heart-broken when the Methodist church voted back in February not to allow gays full acceptance and membership. She herself, is very accepting, especially of LJ and Collin, and she is working to improved our church along those lines.

Sunday’s service was fine – very normal, until right at the end. She was giving the benediction when a man walked up the aisle. She halted, then froze as he stepped right up beside her. Turning to the congregation he said, “You may be seated.” Ann went down behind the podium, not even making it to the chair.

The man smiled and introduced himself as the pastor of the church about thirty minutes away. Then reaching down to help Ann stand, he told her, “Ann, you are absolutely the most beautiful woman in the world. I’ve known you for twenty years. It has been an honor and a privilege over the past few months to get to know you even better and,” he dropped to one knee, “I would be honored if you’d spend the rest of your life with me so I can get to know you even better.

After a pause, he said to her, “This is the part where you say something.”

Taking a deep breath, she proclaimed loudly, “Yes!”

We all applauded, absolutely thrilled for her. And her closest friend in the church – the one who knew all this was going to happen shouted, hallelujah!

I could see Ann was shaking, so overwhelmed. She turned to him and asked, “Can you do the benediction?” We all laughed a bit, few of us have ever seen Ann flustered.

He answered, “I’ll be happy to.”

Somehow that got me more than anything else. Ann’s a strong woman, all of us support her, but I’ve often worried that in her day to day life, no one really had her back. But this man does. You can feel it. Her simple request and his quick response of, ‘I’ll be happy to.’ let me know I could let go of this worry.  She has someone to talk to, someone who will listen. Someone who understands both the joys and problems of being a minister. She has someone to lean on – someone to love.

 It was a joyous Sunday morning.

TBT - Fellows, I'm talking to you

I know I haven't been posting much -  so I looked around for a TBT. I feel I've posted this more than once, but for new people who do pop in once and a while, I'm sure, I still think it could be helpful. I first posted this back in 2008.

I am fortunate to have many friends that email me. Many of these friends don’t have blogs and are in various stages of introducing spanking into their relationship, some successfully and others not so much. I know from experience that often vanillas just don’t understand and boy do I know that it is hard to explain it to someone you love. It took me over 23 years to even get up the nerve to try. It’s been almost 2 wonderful years now but I still struggle to get him to understand at time.

So I am writing a letter to your men if they haven’t gotten it yet. Now I know we don’t live in a one size fits all world but from all I’ve felt and all I’ve read this will ring true for many of us.

Dear guys,
After years of knowing that she has this need, your wife/girlfriend/lover finally told you she wants to be spanked. I am guessing that at best you were surprised especially if you have been together 20 years or more. You may think it’s a passing whim. You may think it is just a random fantasy that has run through her mind; something best left as a fantasy not something she would like in real life. Plus you love this woman and you have no desire to hurt her. 

Then listen to me (because your girl may be too shy or embarrassed to say it again)! This is NOT something that just came up! She has had probably had this need since childhood. Please trust your lover, if she says she wants to be spanked – SHE DOES! 

Yes, she understands that this sounds strange to you. No, she does not understand why she is this way.  Please stop trying to figure out why and just DO IT. If you do I can almost promise you that your sex life will reach heights that you never imagined. Ours did. I went from being fairly cold toward sex to someone will to try anything my husband or I can dream up! 

It’s okay to start slow. I know you are not sure what she wants. You may even be embarrassed (but not as embarrassed as she was to ask). Start with your hand, a small paddle ball paddle or maybe a paint stirrer. From my experience and those of many of my friends, she will much more likely be wanting ‘longer’ and ‘harder’ spanking rather than asking you to be more gentle. Remember anyone from vanilla to hard core can always enjoy a romantic, erotic spanking. This may be all she wants.

~o~

If your wife/lover tells you she wants discipline that’s different. Discipline – that is a trickier subject. You will need to do more talking if this is something she wants. If the need for discipline in her life is ‘her thing’ it’s always going to be there whether you indulge it or not. If you are willing to try this, again – go slow. Pick a few things to work on together. I got my husband hooked by asking him to help me make the changes and choices to become healthier and lose weight.

It was rocky at first. I would mess up and he didn’t want to spank. He wanted to let it go or make excuses for me. I hated that and it hurt my feelings. I didn’t feel cared for or protected and I guess that is what we are looking for. 

Although I know he did not mean to send this message this is the one I heard – 

“Sure I care but not that much. You are a big girl. If you know you need to do something and you chose not to that is your business. You are on your own because I find all this confusing and you are just not worth the effort.” 

Fellows, I like I said, I know this is not the message you are trying to send to the woman you love. But to the spanko mind this is what comes through.  When my husband did start getting it and a couple of times spanked me hard with the hairbrush for over indulging and slacking off on my exercise, I got a whole other message. 

“You are my wife. I love you, I love you way too much to allow you to run wild and put your health in jeopardy. I care enough about you to put some boundaries and guidelines around you to keep you safe. And yes I will wear you out if necessary to show you just how serious I am about my love for you.” 

Nothing in my life has made me feel more loved, cherished, cared for or happy than for him to show his love for me in this way. 

Alright fellows – I’m talking to you. If your wife or girlfriend handed you this or directed you here she agrees with me. Listen please! She is serious. This is a very important part of her life. She loves you so much or she would never have shared her secret with you. If you love her enough to give it a try she will test you some to see if you will be consistent and take this seriously. It’s all part of the learning together. But it is worth it, I promise you – it’s worth it.

Dreamed Fulfilled

New story at Cassie's tomorrow!

Did you have a dream when you were a kid. Something you hope to accomplish in life? I did – it was a dream I know lots of people have. I never really thought it would come true, but it’s been in my head for nearly six decades. My dream – I wanted to write a book.

Some of you may be saying, “Umm… PK you’ve written a book. Actually, you’ve written fourteen. We can send you the links if you like.” That’s true and I’m really proud of all those books. But the dream wasn’t quite fulfilled. I wanted to hold the book in my hands.  

And now I can.

By pestering them nearly to death, I got Blushing Books to make paperbacks of the Cassie series available. Now to my average reader this won’t mean much. If you’ve read them on your Kindle, you don’t need them in paperback. But to me, it means everything. 

Last year I heard from a lovely reader who told me she truly loved all the Cassie books – but that the editing was not good and it really bothered her. I agreed. But once I’d done the edits that were sent to me by my publisher, I had no further way to make the corrections when I would come across them. When Blushing (who have better editors now than they did when I started) agreed to do the paperbacks, I asked them if it was possible for me to go through and re-edit them before they were printed. They said I was welcomed to as long as it didn’t cost them. 

It took months and months – the books read so much better now. Now don’t think for one minute I was able to do it. I still go to spellcheck for anything harder than c-a-t. No, it was my lovely reader – Rosie Dee who worked with me on this. And I mean worked! But we went through all ten. I have no doubt that mistakes might still be found, but they had to work to stay hidden from Rosie Dee! And she has my undying gratitude!

 All this re-editing and pushing for the paperbacks may seem silly to some, but I think about the future. Someday I may have grandchildren, but who knows when or how much of their lives I’ll be here for. If I’m not around when they’re grown they can read about Cassie and maybe think of me as this fun, vivacious, loving woman. Mollie will be sure they know they’re fictional, but they’re still fun. My own tiny bit of immortality.

Although there are ten Cassie books, they have combined them into five books – each containing two of the original. This made them the right length for a real ‘book’. So although they cost more than I’d like, people will be getting two books for this price.

I feel great contentment holding these books in my hand. I’ve fulfilled a dream and I just wanted to share the news with you.

You can find these here.

Didn’t see that one coming

I guess the jokes on me. I know Nick doesn’t read my blog. He never mentions any of the content, he never makes a comment either on the blog or to me – which he used to do in the beginning. So I thought it was a perfectly reasonable place to rant in peace.

I got much of my pre-trip frustrations out of my system in my last post and I was greatly heartened by the understanding and supportive comments. On Friday I sent Nick my weekly update letting him sorta know how I’m doing – eating right, visiting the gym. You know, the basics. So I was somewhat shocked later that day to receive the following email –

Funny, I don't see any mention about ranting over having to take a trip to a nice place at the beach and how your mean old husband puts you through such unbelievable inconveniences and ordeals.  A total shame what some wives have to put up with!

Griping, moaning, and disrespect.....could call for corrective measures!

\\

That sneaky devil had snuck in and read my blog! Just when I  can fully predict my husband, he has to do something to mess me up. I sent an answering email –

And since when do you read my blog? LOL! Although in truth I didn't say anything there that I haven't said to you. I was just trying to get it all out of my system so I could be a sweet, loving, respectful, silent wife at the presentation.

Later as I was being led to the bedroom to further ‘discuss’ the matter. I pointed out that I thought I’d been very respectful by going off and griping to my friends rather that yelling in his face exactly what I thought of his plan. 

I also pointed out that the comments had been overwhelming on my side! Strangely, neither of these points seemed to lessen the spanking any.

But all well that ends well, and I have to say it ended very well. He also said we might have to revisit the consequences after the trip depending on how everything goes. I asked eagerly, “You mean if the presentation goes ninety-one minutes or longer, I get to spank?” It seems that wasn’t what he had in mind. I guess we’ll find out what he meant later.

The trip isn’t until May, but I’ll let you know what happens.

New story at Cassie's

Pop Cassie's for a new story if you get the chance.

Never Again - same title, different subject

Our trip was great. I got to see friends and spend time with wonderful people and now we’re safely home with beautiful memories. No one pointed and laughed at what I wore, so evidently it was appropriate and I even wore shoes. Well, most of the time.

We have another trip coming in May. To say that I’m less than enthusiastic would be an understatement. But more than that, I am totally bewildered as to why we’re going. This is all Nick’s doing and while I’ve agreed to accompany him I’ve already told him – never again! 

We’re driving to the beach, several hours away, to listen to a sales pitch for a timeshare! Neither of us wants a timeshare, neither of us would ever consider buying a timeshare. Why the hell are we doing this?

I despise listening to a sales pitches – whether it’s for something we really want (new windows for our home) or something I do not want (a timeshare.) When Nick told me I just stared at him in stunned silence. His thought was, ‘Come on, it’s a free three day beach trip and all we have to do is listen to a ninety minute presentation.’

First this ‘ninety minutes’ usually turns into half a day. That notwithstanding, I’m too old to waste ninety seconds, much less ninety minutes, listening about something in which I have zero interest. 

I feel bad for the person making the pitch – I know they're trying to make a living, but their pat sales pitch makes me want to leap over the table and strangle them. When the window guy came, he kept bringing out samples of various type window frames and asking, “Would you want this type in your house?” They all looked like window frames to me. 

Finally, I snapped, “I haven’t read your script so I don’t know what my answer is supposed to be. Put away the crap you aren’t going to use and show me what you’re selling or just leave!” I rarely snap like this – I know many of these are young people doing exactly what their bosses have trained them to do, but I don’t have to play along. I feel even worse, knowing that before they even begin, that we’re not buying what they’re selling so we’re just wasting their time and ours.

Nick voluntarily put me in this horrible situation. And for what? A three day beach trip – he doesn’t even like the beach that much. We may not be rolling in dough, but we can afford a three day vacation on our own and if we can’t I’m willing to sell blood or something! But never, never again will I go to one of these dreadful things.

Thank you, thank you – I really needed to get that off my chest. I realize this is certainly a ‘first-world problem.’ Nick hasn’t exactly asked me to accompany him to the depths of hell and we’ll probably have a good time. You’ve given me a chance to rant here and I really needed it. I know Nick won’t see it because he never reads my blog… but, that a rant for another day.

Never again

I’ve finished my shopping and I’m now it the middle of packing and getting everything ready to go. I enjoy going off with Nick and this should be a truly wonderful weekend. 

Today I want to tell you of a phone call I had last week. To say that it came out of the blue is a true understatement. Some of you might remember me blogging about a boss I had shortly before I retired. To put this as politely as I can – he was an ass. I posted about one of our ‘disagreements’ here, should you want to read about it.

He left and when on to be an assistant superintendent in a neighboring county for a few year, but now he holds that job back in our county. And it was from this fool, that my call came. He wanted to know if I’d come back and teach a short interim – about a month.

I didn’t go with my first response – hysterical laughter. I didn’t even go with my second response which was, “Aww, HELL NO!” Instead I told him I was on a tight writing schedule, working on my fifteenth book (which was only half true – I’m working on the fifteenth book but certainly on my own pace.)

He went on to tell me that they were looking for a good math teacher and that my name had come up. My immediate thought was, bullshit. The man can’t stand me and doesn’t think I was a good teacher (I was) and they were definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel if he lowered himself to call me.

It certainly did gave me a chuckle. No one is enjoying their retirement more than I am. I loved teaching and enjoyed my career for most of the time I taught, really until this fool showed up as principal. But nothing will ever get me back into that particular grind again. I’m just going to sit by the fire and write, travel a little, and visit with friends and family. That’s what my retirement is all about.

One thing decided

There’s a new story at Cassie’s today.
Also the lovely Ella has a review up today at Ella Ever After for Returning to Us. I hope you'll go by and check it out.

I did a little shopping. I found a few things that might be fine for the wedding. I asked Mollie to come help me make some decisions. I tried everything on, getting Mollie’s approval. I still haven’t made a final decision on what I’m going to wear to the wedding, but I definitely feel better.

As I was changing outfits, I wandered into our bedroom wearing nothing but my panties. Nick was there and I told him I’d decided that was what I’d wear to the wedding. His answer, “Nope. Not appropriate for the wedding. But I think I do think that will be a perfect outfit for later in the evening.”

One decision made.

Trying to start a new trend

I’m going to a wedding soon. I like going to wedding. I look forward to seeing the bride and her family. I’ll see other old friends there. I’m anticipating good food, good drinks and good fellowship. But there are problems. I want to honor this young couple and their families and that means dressing appropriately. Getting down to the ugly truth, it means wearing a dress.

I hate and despise wearing dresses. I have a nice dress or two. I don’t look bad in them, but I feel as comfortable as the average man would in a dress. It’s utterly foreign to me. Basically the only reason I’m wearing the dress is pure peer pressure, (that’s what the other girls will be wearing.) Grrr….

But, fine, I’ll wear a dress. That not even the trend I’m trying to change. I’ll put on the uncomfortable bra, I’ll stuff myself into a pair of spanx and I’ll be presentable. Except, except … why in the hell to I have to wear shoes?

I personally think all shoes should be outlawed unless you have to go out and it’s cold. The only exceptions should be for tennis shoes or sandals – the soft flip-flop kind. My problem is that neither of these is suitable for wedding attire.

When you wear pants you can get away with nearly any type shoe. But with a darn dress that doesn’t work. I can’t wear shoes without socks or hose. I don’t own a pair of hose at the moment and I’m guessing the socks wouldn’t add to the overall classy look I’m going for. And then there are the shoes themselves. I’m short, I’d love to wear heels – they make your legs look longer and sexy.

But the last time I wore a pair of beautiful, sexy stilettos was over thirty-five years ago. I could get a new pair, but I don’t think falling down and breaking my neck at the wedding will add to the classy feel either.

I went shoe shopping this past weekend – I found nothing. I know the size I wear in a comfortable, firmly ties tennis shoe. But in a dress shoe? It’s not even close to the same. I’ll be looking again later this week. 

Do you think there’s a chance I could get Nick to switch outfits with me? I’ll get a nice man’s suit. I’ll deal with wearing a tie and Nick could wear the bra, the panty hose, the spanx, the dress and the stilettos. I know he’s be as comfortable in them as I would be.

I’m just griping for effect. I really am looking forward to the wedding – and getting to see everyone. Nick and I are going to make a whole festive weekend of it. And I promise to look appropriate. But I am having a pedicure just before we go – just in case I decide to show up barefoot, that’s the new trend I’m going for.

New Story

I hope you'll come by Cassie's Space for a new story today.

The magic pill that brought me here

Every now and then it’s interesting to look back and see what brought each of us here. I’ve posted about it before, but for my new friends, here goes.

When my children were ‘middle aged kids’, nine to fourteen, my parents health began to decline and I took over much of their care. I was teaching full time, caring for them, doing the lion’s share of the kid care which - was mostly chauffeuring at the time and I even did the cooking back then. Nick definitely helped out whenever he could, but I felt the responsibility.

When Mom passed away I didn’t have much time to grieve as my dad Parkinson worsened.  When he passed away fifteen months later, both their deaths seemed to hit me at once and it was a very sad time. But I had two kids to look after and life went on. Nick and I were not close at the time. It was definitely a roommate situation. We got along, we never fought, we just led our separate lives as well matched roommates.

Then, fairly suddenly, something was wrong with me. I’d be fine when I woke up and I could teach during the day. But shortly after I got home, I was in pain. First it was my hands and fingers. I’m talking really bad pain. It would be gone the next morning, but by mid-afternoon it was back and it was spreading. It soon became excruciating. I couldn’t get up from a chair by myself. I couldn’t turn my head. I couldn’t even read a book because putting my two fingers together to turn the page hurt so much I’d cry.

I began going to bed right after dinner so I could go to sleep to get rid of the pain. Mollie brought her little mirror from her room and put it on my nightstand so I could see the TV before I went to sleep. I couldn’t turn over once I got in bed. Yet the next morning the pain would be 90% gone, until that afternoon.

I went to several doctors. I had x-rays, injections, scans, no one seemed to know what it was and they gave me pain pills – which didn’t touch the pain. I dealt with this horrible pain for about four months. It doesn’t seem like a long time when I think about it now, but nearly one hundred twenty days in that kind of pain made it seem like a long time, at the time.

Then I went to a rheumatologist.

This man looked at my hands and oh so gently felt of my fingers and listened to my description on my days. Then he said, “I think it’s Palindromic Rheumatism.” And went on to tell me a little of what that was. But basically, like the doctors before him he said, “Take one of these pills each morning for a month, then one every other day for a month.” I took one the next morning before school. 

By three that afternoon I was somewhat surprised that the pain hadn’t shown up. By seven or eight that night I was amazed that the pain hadn’t returned. This enormous pain had been so much a part of my life for the time I had it.  I remember actually looking over my shoulder wondering where the monster was. It never came back. With that one little pill, it was over. Of course I took them exactly as the doctor had prescribed and now, nearly thirteen years later I always have some on hand. When there is a ‘flair up,’ I usually feel it beginning in a finger. If the pain is still there the next day I take one of these magic pills and it’s gone. I rarely have to take more than five pills a year. This miracle for me was the very medication Windy spoke of in her post recently – methylprednisolone.

After all that, after feeling that my  life was essentially over, I suddenly felt wonderful! And I wasn’t planning on wasting the feeling. What do you do when you get your life handed back to you? I didn’t do to Disney World – I typed, s-p-a-k-n-k-i-n-g into my Google search!

I found a few stories, a few pictures and then I found Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts and I bloomed. I read every blog I could find, I began blogging myself, first as Cassie and then as me. I met others like me that I could talk to and I could ask questions without strange or disapproving looks. These were just normal, everyday people with whom I shared a slightly strange desire.

And lastly and most importantly – blogging gave me the courage to open up to Nick. To  tell him of my desire. Nick was stunned, incredulous, shocked… pick your word, but mostly pleased and willing to try whatever it was I wanted to try. At fifty and fifty-five we went from friendly roommates to a hot, sexy couple who couldn’t keep our hands off one another. Mollie would often wander into the kitchen or living room to find us hugging or maybe sharing a quick kiss. Usually she would snap, “Get a room!” to which we would reply, “We have one. You’re in it. Get out.”

We didn’t stay at that sexy peak. If we had, we’d probably be dead now. But it’s still so much better. We are so much closer than we were the first twenty some years of our marriage. I’m most grateful for the pain I went through, which lead me eventually to a wonderful doctor, a magic pill, and a desire to seize life. That led me to reading blogs, friends, blogging myself and eventually writing. 

You never know what you may need to go through to get to where you want to be.