When I wrote this post a few days ago, I was not complaining
or agonizing – I was simple wondering, maybe wishing a little. I’m pretty sure
Nick read it. I got a long email from him. It was a good email. He was very
kind, beginning with:
2013
was I feel a pretty good year. I know of no reason 2014 can’t be even
better. I know you have found a lot of satisfaction in taking the
characters that you have known so long and getting them out in the world.
I am proud of your persistence and success.
But then he pointed out some of my largest faults - some
things I need to think about and some changes I should be making. And he was
right on the money with 99% percent of his accusations. He said:
There
have been times when it seemed that your focus was almost totally on blogging,
writing, blogging about writing, with a few computer games thrown in when you
needed a break. When you spend so much time in the fiction/fantasy
world it may be difficult to have enough physical and emotional energy to devote
to real world tasks and relationships such as husband, home and work.
Ouch! Guilty.
He went on to say:
He went on to say:
I
appreciate and have loved our FAW experiences. (That First
Available Weekend, when he has instructed me to plan a sexual
‘date’ for us.) As you have asked me to try new things, I hoped we
could both benefit from your efforts to take the initiative (per your
instructions if not your natural inclinations). I do look forward to see
what new spin you can come with. You have talents in this area when you
put your imagination to work. Of course there were some months where I
felt like your efforts were somewhat last minute and you chose to go with
something safe as you did have a lot of things going on (more important?)
Oh crap, guilty
again, but still he went on:
I
know you have spent a bit of time thinking and writing about how great
things would be if I could be the answer to all your fantasies, always in tune
with what you wanted, thought you wanted, maybe wanted, or needed. How
much time do you spend thinking about what you could do to make our real world
relationship hotter or better versus the time you spend documenting the great
life Cassie enjoys. How comfortable would you be if I spent that much time
thinking about my dream woman and her husband? I am not trying to
suppress your creativity or your enthusiasm, but have you be aware of balance
in all things.
Finally,
finally, something he got wrong! Okay, sadly not all of it, but the part about
Tom being my dream man. NO! He’s not and I the minute I finished reading the
email I wrote Nick and did all I could to make that point clear. Tom is not my dream man; he is Cassie’s dream man. I do ‘love’ Tom, but
never, never would I want to be with someone like him over Nick. Never! But I do love him in Cassie’s stories as her
man, not mine. Unfortunately, the rest of what he had said here was correct.
The last of his
observation was:
You
have written a lot about the desire for some disciplinary aspects to
TTWD. I would ask you to look at what I feel is important in that
regard. To complete a disciplinary cycle I see several steps:
1. A
rule (or request)
2. A
violation
3. A
consequence
4. A
concerted effort to change
He continued.
and I add my thought in red.
You
may feel that I haven’t been very effective in 1 and 3, and you may be
right. I am concerned about making rules that aren’t realistic or
fair. I am also concerned about going overboard on a punishment type
spanking. First, I love you and don’t want to harm you. *You won’t, if it’s too much at any one time or over all,
I’ll tell you. Second, I don’t want to risk going to the point where you
will be inclined to say “enough, we are not doing this anymore” * I can’t see this happening – by letting it die out
(something I feel I’ve done) I have felt like I should say, ‘It’s okay honey,
don’t worry about it any more.’ But deep down I can’t ever see not wanting it
on my part. I think that would be a real step back for both of us.
As
for #4, I feel that we have gone through 1-3 several times without seeing the
level of change that was being promised near the end of a spanking.
Without the noticeable change whether doing laundry or doing a better job on
health/weight it seems to make a joke of everything, undermining the supposed
exchange of power/responsibility that presumably exists in a disciplinary
situation.
I answered these charges by saying:
1. A rule (or request)
You’ve done fairly poorly.
2. A violation
I’ve done fantastic at this.
3. A consequence
You’ve done very poorly.
4. A concerted effort to change
I’ve been so crappy and lacking on
this one it’s not even funny. I’m a slug, I don’t want to change, I want to
sit. If I were a self-motivator I’d weigh 130 and the house would be spotless.
I see no danger of either of these things happening. On this one I am
completely guilty, I haven’t tried.
Strangely for all the
shortcoming he was pointing out I didn’t feel attacked in the least. It made me
realize that he was paying much more attention than I ever realized and that he
cared enough to address these things. I was especially interested in his
conclusion.
In
summation, if you examine the facts, I suggest that you have been a naughty
girl. And we know what naughty girls should get.
I ask
that you ponder on the above and give me your thoughts on these charges.
I also ask that you give me some thoughts on what you can do, what I can do,
what we can do to make 2014 an even better year. You can talk or email
directly, or have Liz or Badass to drop me some timely hints/reminders.
Love
you.
I wasn’t
expecting any of this. I emailed him back, letting him know I plead guilty to
all charges (except about Tom) and I’m still doing a lot of thinking. I want us
closer, I want TTWD in our lives, I want to be a better wife to him, both
sexually and in all other ways. You see what kind of man I have, he deserves
better than I’ve been giving.
Mollie was gone
last night and I got spanked soon after she left. Nick gave me
some long-term goals that are doable. The spanking didn't last very long, but it hurt. (not complaining, just saying) I’m going to have to build up
some tolerance, I hope I’ll have to build up a lot of tolerance. Here we go again, I hope you don’t mind coming
along for the ride.
