I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, December 29, 2013

Can I talk about spanking again?

Have you noticed I haven’t been writing about spanking much lately? It’s not that they’ve been nonexistent here, I had a lovely birthday spanking earlier in the month which was completely Nick’s idea with no hinting from me. That was nice, but, but…

Something’s not right in my head.  I’ve gone through ‘dry patches’ before where spanking seemed to hold no interest for me, but this one worries me. I don’t even know how to explain it, so once again you are all my sounding board as I try to understand it myself.

There is no real problem with losing interest in spanking for a while, I know I’m a spanko and that will not change. My problem is that my sexuality is completely wrapped in my spanking desires. When the desire to be spanked goes, so does my sexual desire. I know Nick would be more than happy to spank me, as soon as we get some privacy back, but without that desire in my head, it’s just being slapped on the butt. It just hurts with no release achieved or desire invoked.

Part of this is giving up my youthful dreams of what a dd relationship would/should be like. I thought I wanted to be submissive. Maybe it would have worked, I don’t know. Nick never wanted this. He’s tried over the years to help me achieve what I thought I wanted, but even if we’d ‘achieved’ it, it wouldn’t have been right for us because it wouldn’t have been right for him. It would have been false. We’re neither one good at roll play. I finally quit agonizing over it and simply appreciated what we’ve gained from the trying – most importantly, a closer relationship.

However now I have the problem of no sexual desire. I relate it all back to the ideas of ‘good girls don’t…’ Because of these deeply ingrained feelings (even though I know they are wrong), the idea of dominance and submission that I fantasied about worked for me. It’s the whole “Of course I shouldn’t be doing this, but what choice do I have – he’s in total control and if I don’t do as I’m told, I’ll be punished.” It works very nicely in my head and in fiction, not so well in my bedroom.

Nick has no desire to punish, and despite my flaws, no real reason to. I’ve posted so many times over the years, ‘He doesn’t spank enough.’ ‘He only spanks when he wants sex.’ ‘He won’t give me rules and be consistent.’ But the sad, sad truth is he cannot crawl into my head and understand. Nick is such a wonderful man, he only wants to give me pleasure and to try and understand what I need. He can’t understand that it’s the darker side of my fantasies that I need to maintain my true deep sexual desires. Without a reason for a spanking, at least part of the time, it doesn’t do anything for me.

Sometime I can recapture it, if I have enough time to sink into my fantasy world, but it’s harder now. Once I decided to stop pushing Nick into a role neither of us really wants him in, I stopped going to the fantasies. They’ll push there way back in, they always do, but sometimes I’ve waited years and I don’t want to wait that long.

Somehow I need to find a balance. I haven’t discussed it with Nick because I don’t know one single thing I want him to change or do. I think this has to come from me and I don’t have a clue of how achieve that balance myself. Nick has tried to throw in a little discipline as he helps me with the weigh problems, and while I appreciate the effort and the thought behind it, it’s not doing it for me.  Nick is a kind, sweet, gentle man – I don’t want that to change and I have no desire to see him pretend. There are times I wish I could go to some big mean disciplinary about once a month for a session, nothing to do with sex – just to feed my dark side. With that taken care of, I could be totally satisfied with the sexy fun spankings and the occasional mock discipline that Nick and I enjoy together. Please, don’t send resumes, I’m only kidding. Just another fantasy running around in my head.


I still have no more answers than I did when I sat down to write this. Answers from the sounding board are welcomed.


34 comments:

  1. reading this I'm nodding empathetically. I too have been craving something. Not the disciplinary kind of spanking, perhaps simply something more intense and pushing me to the kinky edge type spanking. Just aint happening at the moment.
    Sorry, nothing springs to mind, other than being wrapped up in that other world of writing and reading, it's hard to emerge from the land of christmas and simply rediscover the inner self.

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    1. DF,
      It's hard, to know you need 'something' and not ever knowing exactly what it it. It was hard enough to ask when I thought I did know. I'm glad I'm not alone.

      Delete
  2. Amen to that. I don't think I can understand what exactly I want so how to I explain it to Ty. And my mood changes all of the time. Like you, spanking and sexuality go hand in hand the majority of the time. Where is the balance. I have to tell you, at least you have Cassie to live vicariously through. I wish at times that my life was as simple as Cassie's because she has no real choice but to live the lifestyle and to suffer the consequences of broken rules. And the love that Tom gives her unconditionally, oh I wish. But I know that Ty loves me that way too, it's just a different way of showing it because we are not the same people as Cassie and Tom.

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    1. Blondie,
      Just knowing other feel this way helps me. I read some blogs where all is going smoothly and I wonder why I can't accomplish this. As for Cassie, I don't know what I'd do without her. I know what you're saying about Ty. It's the same with Nick, he love me every bit as much as Tom loves Cassie, but it shows in different ways.

      Delete
  3. You know you are not alone. I see comments from two people above and you know what goes on here - apparently we just have to *itch to each other and figure out how to fix it ourselves, because it seems to be "our" problem. I know I can get lost in my fantasy world like Blondie said but I can't live there all the time. I've come to the conclusion it is what it is and to .....................

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    1. Leigh, you're right, I know we share many of the same - not really complaints, longings maybe. I live in my head way more than I should, I always have. I think the last 7 years I've tried to come out and try the real world more, but my head is looking better and better.

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  4. I hope that writing about the situation helps you to find some answers. Sometimes just getting it off your chest helps things. I wish I had some pithy advice that would solve the problem. Let's hope that your yearnings come back and come back soon.

    And what a shame that women grow up with those "good girls don't'' thoughts. I hope younger women don't grow up that way and learn that sex is to be enjoyed,

    Good luck.

    FD.

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    1. FD,
      I don't know if writing is helping me find answer or just learn to accept how things are. I don't know what younger women are thinking and feeling. Mollie seems to have the 'good girls don't', but she didn't get it from me.

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  5. PK,
    good girls do whatever they need to do, as long as no one else gets hurt in the process.
    Now you have had spells like this before, if you worry at it like a sore tooth it will only get worse.
    Relax, try and stay calm, your desire will return.
    Christmas is a very busy time, you are probably very tired, get rested,
    I suspect by the first week in January you will be fine.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

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    1. Paul,
      I'd like to think you're right, but this seems different to me. I decide about 8 months ago to quite pushing, to just let it go. It a way if feels like I gave up, I've had no desire since.

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  6. I understand. It is so hard to be people who 'feel' deeply. We know what we need. For me if I push...it complicates things. He does it of his own accord, but it may not be 'exactly' what I wish.... I try and leave it be what he does automatically. Privacy and busy life complicate our lives. Add stress to the mix and whoooo baby!
    I agree with Paul that things will get better in a bit.

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    1. Minelle,
      It's funny you should mention 'feeling'. Before I came out I lock down on feeling - only felt on the surface. Then we started all this and I opened myself up, wide, allowing in both wonderful feelings and yes, some pain and disappointment. I feel myself shallowing again. I don't like it, but what's the alternative?

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  7. I understand this completely. I have no great advice, just big hugs and the wish that it will all work out soon.

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    1. Thanks Faerie,
      The big hug helps. If only the husbands we love could understand like out women friends.

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  8. No answers for you Pk...but lots of empathy, understanding, and hugs. As you know our hubbies our similar in their sweet and loving ways...and the deep fantasies that live inside our heads that are so hard to express... You know where to find me if you need to "chat"

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    1. Thanks Terps,
      Sounds like so many of our man are like this - and we've very luck to be able to say so. We know they would do anything they could for us. But this may not be in their power.

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  9. Anonymous1:01 PM

    I just a lurker but I have been reading your blog for a while now. My advice would be to talk to Nick about how you are feeling and the desires you have that you feel need to be addressed. Fantasies are great and reality rarely lives up to them and we always need to keep that in mind however that doesnt mean that we should keep all things in the realm of fantasy when its something we feel we need on a fundamental level. We need to be able to express our desires and needs in reality as long as they are safe and consensual. Explain in detail what you need and want and try to compromise and come up with a plan that works for both of you. If you want him to be more dominant, set rules and enforce them, punish you or whatever it is you desire in the deepest recesses of your mind and heart express that. It appears that you have a very close and loving relationship and I am certain he wants to make sure your needs are being met as much as you want to make sure his are, but men many times need things spelled out for them, even a written plan may help. It seems that if you were able to tap into these needs you have that your sexual desire would return full force. We all deserve to feel fulfilled in life and that includes sexually, so I suggest you do what works for you, do what turns you on, express your desires and see what happens.

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. We've been at this for 7 1/2 years and I've tried to let him know what I need many times. He might try for a while but it quickly fades away. Maybe I don't even what it any more - I honestly don't know. I feel to keep asking would be to like asking him to get taller. He'd do it for me if he could, but it's not something he can do.

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  10. Hi PK, I have no answers but I will say that my John is just like Nick.I love him dearly but there are times where it is a bit frustrating. I lose the desire for anything else too. can I come with you on your monthly trip, I reckon we could get a coachload up. There are a lot of us whose husbands are not naturally dominant. I hope once you get the house back to yourselves you things will pick up a bit. lots of love Jan.xx

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    1. Jan,
      Yes, come along. We could get a coach load! I also think so many of our men came to age as women's lib was at it's most militant and the idea of telling their wives what to do and 'punishing' them if necessary is just not in their DNA.

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  11. Hi PK, :) Not sure that I have answers either, but I am a good listener! I think Paul was definitely on to something about letting some time pass- the holidays bring business and perhaps stress that certainly can interfere. Maybe moving forward, see how things go. Just take it all nice and easy.

    For Rob and me- I now, since dd/ttwd let the chips fall where they may, a lot like you. I made a pledge to never push him away again. I stick to that, even if it is the last thing on my mind. It has brought love to a whole new level in may ways for us. It isn't always the fantasy in my head, but when I take note, my loving man is there next to me. And loving me exactly as I am. Sounds like Nick is there too- and I'm thinking from what I have read, that when you have a bit of privacy back, your loving man will be happy to help you find your way! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Oh Katie, I'd like to think it's the season but it's been months and months and months that I've felt this way.

      I'm doing as you are - I never say no, but I want to be the one asking him and really meaning it - I really want it, but it's not there.

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  12. Anonymous8:10 PM

    I am so sorry about your struggles. I understand the "good girls don't" thing too and it is hard to get around emotionally.

    I don't know if you are religious or not (maybe those are the tapes that are running through your head) and I hope you don't mind me bringing it up, but as a Catholic myself, I think there is an aura of "good girls don't" when you are growing up. That some how it is the responsibility of the woman to be the gate keeper so to speak.

    I have since been enlightened and believe it or not, I was enlightened by a celibate Catholic priest...go figure. He began to point out the innate sexual overtones of saints in ecstasy, not to mention the celebration of an Immaculate Conception (a day set aside to celebrate a sexual act?....go figure). The plunging of the Easter candle in the baptismal waters (more sexual imagery), the Goddess Eostra (spring and fertility goddess for whom Easter is named) etc. St. Francis is known to have thrown himself in the rose bushes at Assisi to quell his sexual longings, apparently the thorns took his mind off the sex...now, the roses there grow without thorns...if that isn't an indication of how God feels about normal sexual feelings, I don't know what is. My point being...I guess...is that good girls do and with God's blessing.

    Here is what pushed it over the edge for me. The idea of sex as surrender and as welcoming my man inside of me. How he makes love to me, where he makes love to me. Him being clothed and me being naked sometimes. Him commanding what he wants and me surrendering to that (I'm not talking about kinky things just him telling me to turn over or get on the bed, or to put my legs around his waist) because he is watching me very closely to see that I am enjoying what is going on too. Is this something that might work for you? Is the value of the spanking in the surrender and those are the feelings you are seeking? Perhaps you make a vow that for a month you will not say no to sex and if you do, Nick has your permission to ignore the no.

    You write so lovingly of Nick and he would so obviously not take advantage of you, do you think you could convince him to do what makes him happy and put your desires second to his? You know, just take it? Be selfish? Would you not having control over when, where, how could perhaps bring some of the feelings you get with spanking?

    I don't know if anything I have said is useful or not, but I hope you and Nick can figure it out together.

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    1. Anon,
      I really do agree with what you're saying. And I truly believe God has give us sex as a gift. I believe my feeling came from my mother, she was born in 1919 and learned about sex from her mother who was born in 1880! Can you say 'old fashioned'?

      My brain tells me you are so right, yet something keeps me from begin able to truly let go and enjoy and I don't know what it is or how to change.

      I appreciate you commenting, really.

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  13. Hi PK, I so wish I had some wonderful advice to give. The physical aspects of DD/TTWD for us very much seen to ebb and flow. The reality is so different to the fantasy and it can be so frustrating.

    I really hope the desire returns for you soon.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Oh Roz, I hope so too. Because it's so much more fun when I'm into it.

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  14. I should really be ironing, but I just clicked on your blog PK, and it seems that there are many of us who are like peas in a pod. So much so, that I am thinking of writing a post about all this.

    I think there will be a great many of us accompanying you! Do you think there is such a thing as a "group rate"? LOL!

    Seriously, love, you will be fine. Your hormones are playing up and you had lots of entertaining and stress with your book coming out (I have it by the way!) and the wedding and teaching! I know you are younger than me, but if I didn't have my patches - I would be a raving lunatic at times!

    You hang in there. You will be fine! Just you email me if you continue to feel fed up!

    Many hugs

    Ami

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    1. I appreciate it Ami, but if I emailed everytime I felt frustrated or fed up, you'd change your email or toss your computer! I'm not sure I am younger than you - we'll have to check that. I've never taken any hormones, maybe I need a handful. As for the 'group rate' - I'll look into it.

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  15. Okay, I have been thinking about this and I have a plan...... Why don't we try being the dominant in the relationship for a couple of weeks and show our husbands what it is we want. What do ya think. Should I dare you to try it?

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    1. Ah… Blondie, a very interesting idea.But I don't think I'll try it. Sometimes we take turns being in charge in the bedroom. Even for play, I just can't get into it. Maybe that the way he feels. But there are times when it would really be nice to show him what I want.

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  16. Dear PK,

    i'm so glad i read this post - i feel so much the same way you describe here and i don't have any answers either. i think that my Sir is just not really as dominant as i would like and all i can do is not push him - when i do, he tries harder, but it doesn't last. Like you,(if i'm understanding you right) spankings are the pathway to my sex drive, but without submission the spankings don't really work either.

    Sigh...

    i love my Sir very much, and i appreciate our relationship in so many ways, i'm trying to be grateful for that, but i dont' really want to spend the rest of my life not being sexual and kinky. Thanks for sharing your feelings - it helps to know at least i'm not alone.

    sofia

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    1. Sofia,
      That may be the best thing about blogging - the realization that we are not alone and that there are other who really understand. That doesn't solve our problems, but it still lightens what I'm feeling. There's nothing worse that feeling like everyone is getting it 'right' but us. I hope we both find our way back to our kink.

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  17. Anonymous3:19 PM

    I have been reading here awhile, and over at Cassie's as well. And PK you seem to go through this cycle when you have down time, and when you get very involved with Cassie. Perhaps you start identifying with Cassie and what your "ideal" is and don't fully embrace what you have. Speaking as someone whose life came unraveled after 24years, I have a new perspective. Count your Blessings daily, reality is better than fantasy, always.

    Happy New year.

    C

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    1. C,
      This is truly good advice and I know I need to listen to what you're saying. I know I can get lost in Cassie. I dream of submission, yet spent so much of my time in a fantasy world where I control EVERYTHING. What reality could live up to that?

      Now that I'm finally trying to 'do' something with Cassie through the books it's becoming even more time consuming. And I'm grateful that Nick supports me in the effort. But I can't lose myself there - my reality is wonderful and I need to always keep that in mind.

      Thank you

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