Here I go thinking again...

It’s peaceful here.  Nick is golfing, Mollie moving into her new dorm/apartment.  This may be the first time I’ve gotten to sit quietly in my writing room since the kitchen and the rest of the house was put back in order.  I have my annual back to school cold, but of course, that was expected.  It’s not too bad and I have this quiet weekend to get well and gather strength for teaching next week.

I’ve spent the morning so far doing everything I could to avoid writing.  It’s strange for someone who enjoys writing as much as I do – and I really do,  to HATE getting started!!  I’ll put it off forever (I even cleaned some this morning), but once I start I can’t stop.  This will be a very rambling post.  I have many things to sort through in my mind and I’m just going with the flow wherever it takes me.  So this may be broken up into several posts.  We’ll see.

I know a few of you (bless your hearts) worry when I seem down or something.  Please don’t.  I’m fine, and that’s the truth.  I’m striving for even better, but there is nothing wrong.  Just looking for improvement.

I’ve just got the TTWD blues.  I’m going to blame some of it on work.  In order to keep my sanity at work I have to adopt an ‘I don’t care attitude.’ I still want to clarify one thing – I do care about my students, that they are happy, healthy, learning, growing and feeling secure. I also care about my partner Megan and how she is doing, but other that that, to all the things swirling around outside my room – I don’t care.

Changing what I’ve taught for nearly a quarter of a century – I don’t care.

Changing the calendar and start dates – I don’t care.

Being forced to take teaching advice from someone whose total experience in teaching is four years as a High School PE teacher – I don’t care.

One of my teaching partners being one of the few people I’ve ever know that I really can’t get along with – I don’t care.

Being told repeatedly that how I teach is so totally old fashion and completely wrong and that no one could possible learn anything unless it’s taught through a computer – I don’t care.

Well, I think you get the picture.  I’m not saying this in a desperate, hateful or even unhappy way.  I’m not sad about this feeling; it’s more like a cloak of serenity.  As I see retirement on the horizon, I no longer feel I need to spend time and energy tilting at windmills. I can smile sweetly, nod in pretended agreement and then go in my classroom and teach the young’un they give me the way I really feel is the best way to teach the subject at hand.  I have indeed reached the point when it takes more trouble and paperwork to fire me and to just leave me alone.  Especially since I’m not causing anyone any trouble.  When someone points out that I’m not doing something the way they want it done I give them a sweet smile and say, “Oh my goodness! I’m not?  Well I’ll certainly work on that.”  They go away happy and I continue to ignore everything that they said.  Problem solved, except… 

I need that cloak of ‘I don’t care’ to survive the workplace without becoming angry and frustrated, but it’s hard to throw it off when I get home.  So I find myself thinking:

I’m gaining weight again – I don’t care.

We rarely do TTWD anymore – I don’t care.

Nick and I aren’t as close as we were for a while – I don’t care.

I haven’t posted in a while – I don’t care.

The problem is  I DO CARE !  I care about all these things, but I can’t seem to bestir myself to do anything about any of them.

So I've been trying to find time to give it some serious thought.  If you're interested in what is swirling around in my head come back and I'll see if I can get it down where is make any sense at all.

New and old

Still in the middle of chaos here. Today is the last teacher workday; the house is a steady parade of electricians, plumbers, and carpenters.  Mostly talking so far, seeing what needs to be done.  Thanks goodness Nick seems to know what to tell them. Nick continues to work on deconstruction.

My cold turned out to be worse than I’d thought.  The cough is killing me!  I sound like I’ve been smoking 3 packs a day for years.  And what all this means is that spanking has not been on the radar.  And honestly I’ve felt so bad I haven’t missed it. Isn’t that sad?  Not to worry, I’m on the mend and being off work will give me ample time to get my mind back to where it should be.

Meanwhile… Ronnie emailed me the other day saying she has run across an old post of mine while googling for a picture.  She said she hadn’t read it before but she liked it and thought it might be something others might like to read – or read again. Thanks Ronnie, I hope others like it. It has to do with convincing your man to spank.  Here it is, I hope maybe it helps someone.

Fellows, I'm talking to you

I am fortunate to have many friends that email me. Many of these friends don’t have blogs and are in various stages of introducing spanking into their relationship, some successfully and others not so much. I know from experience that often vanillas just don’t understand and boy do I know that it is hard to explain it to someone you love. It took me over 23 years to even get up the nerve to try. It’s been almost 2 wonderful years now but I still struggle to get him to understand at time.

So I am writing a letter to your men if they haven’t gotten it yet. Now I know we don’t live in a one size fits all world but from all I’ve felt and all I’ve read this will ring true for many of us.

Dear guys,
After years of knowing that she has this need, your wife/girlfriend/lover finally told you she wants to be spanked. I am guessing that at best you were surprised especially if you have been together 20 years or more. You may think it’s a passing whim. You may think it is just a random fantasy that has run through her mind; something best left as a fantasy not something she would like in real life. Plus you love this woman and you have no desire to hurt her.


Then listen to me (because your girl may be too shy or embarrassed to say it again)! This is NOT something that just came up! She has had probably had this need since childhood. Please trust your lover, if she says she wants to be spanked – SHE DOES!
 
Yes, she understands that this sounds strange to you. No, she does not understand why she is this way. Please stop trying to figure out why and just DO IT! If you do I can almost promise you that your sex life will reach heights that you never imagined! Ours did!! I went from being fairly cold toward sex to someone will to try anything my husband or I can dream up.
 
It’s okay to start slow. I know you are not sure what she wants. You may even be embarrassed (but not as embarrassed as she was to ask). Start with your hand, a small paddle ball paddle or maybe a paint stirrer. From my experience and those of many of my friends, she will much more likely be wanting ‘longer’ and ‘harder’ spanking rather than asking you to be more gentle. Remember anyone from vanilla to hard core can always enjoy a romantic, erotic spanking. This may be all she wants.


But if your wife/lover tells you she wants discipline that’s different. Discipline – that is a trickier subject. You will need to do more talking if this is something she wants. If the need for discipline in her life is ‘her thing’ it’s always going to be there whether you indulge it or not. If you are willing to try this, again – go slow. Pick a few things to work on together. I got my husband hooked by asking him to help me make the changes and choices to become healthier and lose weight.


It was rocky at first. I would mess up and he didn’t want to spank. He wanted to let it go or make excuses for me. I hated that and it hurt my feelings. I didn’t feel cared for or protected and I guess that is what we are looking for.

Although I know he did not mean to send this message this is the one I heard –

“Sure I care but not that much. You are a big girl. If you know you need to do something and you chose not to that is your business. You are on your own because I find all this confusing and you are just not worth the effort.”

Fellows, I like I said, I know this is not the message you are trying to send to the woman you love. But to the spanko mind this is what comes through. When my husband did start getting it and a couple of times spanked me hard with the hairbrush for over indulging and slacking off on my exercise, I got a whole other message.

“You are my wife. I love you, I love you way too much to allow you to run wild and put your health in jeopardy. I care enough about you to put some boundaries and guidelines around you to keep you safe. And yes I will wear you out if necessary to show you just how serious I am about my love for you.”

Nothing in my life has made me feel more loved, cherished, cared for or happy than for him to show his love for me in this way.

Alright fellows – I’m talking to you! If your wife or girlfriend handed you this or directed you here she agrees with me. Listen please!! She is serious! This is a very important part of her life. She loves you so much or she would never have shared her secret with you. If you love her enough to give it a try she will test you some to see if you will be consistent and take this seriously. It’s all part of the learning together. But it is worth it, I promise you – it’s worth it.

Email if you have questions, I may not have any answers for you but I would still like to hear what you are wondering about. elisspeaks@yahoo.com 

Changes

Several of my new friends and fellow bloggers have mentioned from time to time that their marriages have changed since spanking was brought into the relationship. It doesn’t seem to matter who introduces the idea – changes follow. I believe most of us would agree that we are happier in our relationships than before. If the change wasn’t for the better we’d stop doing it and we certainly wouldn’t be blogging about it.

Our relationship got better, we were closer, happier – but more than that there were tangible, physical changes that occurred for me too. One change happened literally over night. I began sleeping in the nude. Before coming out I only slept in the nude when Nick was away. Not anymore, I sleep nude and love coming to bed to have him caress anywhere he would like. I love to feel his hands on me, especially on my bottom. This was one change Nick really loved.

The second physical change was my hair style. I had worn my hair in a curly perm for 28 years. I didn’t particularly like it that much, but I was use to it and it was easy. But in the summer of 2006 when all this began for us I was so happy and so changed mentally, that I wanted that change to be evident to others. I thought a change in hair style seemed like a good idea. It was met with complete approval of the whole family – Nick and the kids. I was a new woman and I wanted to look like it.

The third definite change is that Nick and I fuss more. Yes, I mean this as a good thing. Let me give you an example from Sunday. I was driving us to his folk’s house when I made a slightly rolling stop through the stop sign at the end of our road. Nick made some comment about the not quite complete stop (just one point here – it’s a very lightly traveled road, as you are coming up to the road to turn right you can see down the road over a hundred yards and it’s very obvious when nothing is coming.) That being said, I do know that I’m supposed to stop. In the past I would have said nothing but would have had a mental conversation in my head with Nick that would have gone something like this.

“Sorry Mr. Perfect. I know you would have stopped completely. You do everything right. If you can do it so damn much better you drive the friggin’ car!”

Of course none of this would have been said out loud. He would never have even known I was pissed at all. But I would have been quiet and standoffish the rest of the day, nursing some imagined insult, and sealing up any crack I felt were appearing in the walls I continued build to keep Nick out.

But this Sunday I just glanced over at him and shrugged in a bratty way. “You want to drive?” I asked sarcastically.

“You better start coming to a full stop there or one of these day a cop is going to be right behind you.”

I gave him an exaggerated eye roll and shrug and we continued onward. Had Mollie not been in the car I would have added “So what are you going to do about it?” Now please understand, neither of us was the least bit angry. Where it might have sounded like a fuss (and I use that word meaning a very slight disagreement) for me, for us, it shows a step toward the closeness that we’ve been building for the past 5 years. It was so much better that the quiet resentment I would have held all day in the past.

I can think of only one negative change. Before, I knew that Nick had no idea what I desired and needed. I never gave him a hint. So deep down I couldn’t blame him for not fulfilling my rather unusual desires. Now he does know – heaven knows I’ve blogged about it enough and sent him countless emails explaining, asking, hinting, telling… Sometimes thought, these need are still ignored. When it goes on for too long my feeling do get hurt and I can get depressed about it. When that happened I should get a job in construction. Nobody on this planet can rebuild wall faster than I can!!

This doesn’t happen as much though. I really fight with myself internally and try not to go into a depression. I work on just letting his lack of attention to this part of our lives ebb and flow without taking it so personally. Without doubt I have the best husband in the world; I guess I can’t demand he be perfect all the time.

I’d like to hear from you. We all say that things have changed, but could you share what? You can leave a comment or if you have a blog maybe you could tell us there. I’d love to hear from folks that have been doing this a while and also those who are just really getting into it. I’d be interested in hearing from guys (are you listening Mick) and those who are not lovers of spankings (come on Stormy) but still acknowledge the benefits. I’m curious.

My last few days

You’re getting two posts for the price of one today. One I wrote Wednesday when I was in a bad mood, annoyed and my feelings were hurt. The other I wrote several days later when I was feeling more like myself.

If there is one thing I have learned blogging is to write when you are in any mood – good, bad, sexy or blah. Writing always helps me –but never post anything you write when you are in a bad mood for several days. Just wait, see if your feelings change or that there may be more to add to it.

So for the first part of this post let me tell you a little more about Nick. I feel that I do a good job telling you all about Nick’s good point. There are many! He is loving and funny and calm and good natured. He does the cooking, much of the cleaning, the grocery shopping, the laundry, the yard work. He listened to my gripes and complaints about work and commiserates without telling me what I should do about it.

He is a wonderful spanker (when I can get him to) and a skilled and thoughtful lover.

He pets me and pampers me and spoils me and I think that any of the bloggers I’ve had the privilege of meeting in person will confirm this.

But as good as he is there is another side of him. No one is perfect and like everyone else Nick does have bad habits. And while I am not, and never will be a husband basher, I feel that if I can point out all his good points here I should be able to use this blog to gripe about him when I need to.

So I want to point our some of Nick bad habits. Here goes –


• He makes me trim his hair. I know I am going to screw up some day and gap it (there’s an idea to get him to stop asking!).

• Occasionally road grumpiness (I can’t call it road rage but I still don’t like it).

• He doesn’t spank often enough.

• When he does spank, it’s not long enough.

• When we do make an attempt at discipline he is not consistent.



And the worse – the thing I hate the most and something he is just going to have to change -

• He can't read my mind
  

This is the one I just can’t put up with any longer! It was this short coming that caused me to write the post I wrote several days ago. Here’s what I wrote…



Wednesday we took Mollie to the science and math camp she was selected for. It’s about 180 miles from home. Although she has been going to a week long camp each year since she was eight she was a little nervous when we got there. But she seemed to quickly warm up. As I write this after we got home Wednesday she has already text that all is well and she’s having a great time. We’ll be picking her up Mother’s Day.

Something happened on our way back from taking Mollie Wednesday that made me think of my mother and something she used to do. Mom and dad owned their own business and so they worked together every day. After I left home my mom (like me now) didn’t like cooking too much. Often she would start hinting to my dad in the late after noon. Over several hours she would say things like ‘I don’t know what I want for supper tonight’ or ‘I don’t feel much like cooking tonight’. Maybe later she would say ‘I don’t think we have anything at the house to fix tonight’. Now all she wanted was to go out to eat on their way home. But she would never ask directly and my poor dad was no good at all in picking up these obvious hints.

Now if she had said “Let’s go out and eat tonight.” Dad would have said “That’s a good idea, where do you want to go”. But she preferred to continue to do it her way. I was often exasperated with her when I would find her mad and pouting. I would tell her “So you really enjoy being mad at Daddy for not reading your mind more than you enjoy eating out?”

What Daddy got from all the supper comments was ‘She tired, not much food at the house, guess I’m make myself a PB&J when we get home.” What Mom got from him not taking her out to eat was hurt feelings and the thought “He doesn’t care about me.”

So what happened to make me think of this? Nick won’t read my mind either and sometimes it hurts my feelings and I think he doesn’t care. I guess I was hoping he would say something about my posts last Sunday and Tuesday. I don’t know what I wanted him to say, but something. I did ask if he read the first one and he said yes but that’s all. But coming back from taking Mollie he spotted a sign for an adult toy store,


When he pointed it our and made a commit about it I was thinking, “Well, maybe he is still interested. After all, Mother’s day is coming, and our anniversary – we have 3 full days alone! We’re a hundred miles from home and we're all alone; this will be a great time for a shopping trip!”

But as we neared the exit I realized he wasn’t going to stop. I guess it had never really occurred to him, I just thought it had. He had just been pointing out the sign. But because he didn’t read my mind, it hurt my feelings and I felt like he didn’t care. Now just like my mom wanting to eat out all I had to do was to say “Let’s stop and look around.” But I didn’t. I wanted him to want to.

So I just got quiet and nursed my hurt feelings. I should be over getting upset when Nick doesn’t read my mind. I guess I own Nick an apology for not just saying something. But I also might owe my mother an apology too. Maybe I understand a little more how she felt.

~~~~oo0oo~~~~

I let this bother me for a day or so but I never said anything to Nick because I knew it was stupid to have let me bother me in the first place. By Friday I was feeling better and by Saturday (with some attention from Nick) I was feeling much better. But that’s another post.

Wandering thoughts

This may be a long ramble. If you don’t have time come back later or just skip today. None of this is earth shattering but it has been rolling around in my head so I’m putting writing. I do a lot of thinking as poor Nick knows. Some time he is horrified, amused, pleased or bewildered depending on what I am thinking.

I have been fantasying about spanking for at least 40 years. Most of my fantasies were about a true DD relationship. I think that is why I became so infatuated with Cassie and Tom. I see in there relationship so much of what I fantasized about – a man who adores his wife and regularly spanks her for both fun and for discipline. I still love reading every word she writes but I am at a point in my life where I also realize that that kind of life would probably drive me absolute nut!

As much as that still speaks to my long held fantasy and I get thrill chills whenever I read a good a discipline story, it is just never going to be Nick and me. And that’s okay. I spent a long time when we first began wondering when Nick was gone to start with discipline, punishing when necessary, making me tow the line. But I am finally realizing that that is not going to happen.

The main reason for this is that I don’t do anything to be punished for. Now as the laughter dies I will explain myself. I am positive that I bug Nick daily but honestly nothing big. I have never screamed or yelled at him, told him to F off or generally turned into a bitch. When I get mad or hurt I turn inward and get quiet. We agree on most things – the kids, money, you know – the big things. And the little stuff, well that is the way he sees it, little stuff. If the bathroom needs cleaning then he would be more likely to clean it himself than spank me for not doing it.

It annoys him when I don’t put away my laundry or let my car pile up with junk – trash or things I should bring in and put away. I tend to leave my socks where ever I take them off, I stay up too late, I don’t always take my vitamins, I forget my phone at home and call him to bring it to me, I lose my keys – stop me anytime now. All these things, and probably many more, bug Nick but things like this are just not big deals to him. Sometimes they may come up during a spanking but he is not one to consistently say “You are going to get spanked for this or that”.

I am good with this now. I like the way our lives are going. Before we lived this way if he did fuss about some of my faults I felt angry and defensive. Now I just grin at him and ask “Well what are you going to do about it?” If nothing else I usually get a pretty good threat out of it! And I love the idea of a good threat. This is what I told Nick in my last assignment.

Actually my brain works quite well with threats – well not threats exactly. Like with the weight thing. It would help me if you occasionally emailed me. Nothing is hotter for me than you being in charge! If you emailed “I’m going to spank you because you blew off the gym and snacked too much.” or if you emailed and said “I am not going to spank you because I think you have been working hard and I didn’t see this as a significant gain.” It wouldn’t matter which way you went because I would feel like I can relax and know you decided. This would keep me from wondering ‘is he just going to blow it off… has he forgotten…is he waiting until we have some more time...’ That kind of wondering makes me question everything. By letting me know you thought about it and you are deciding how it is going to be handled – I’m fine!

You know this would work for other things too. You and I both know I am not likely to do anything so bad or drastic that you are going to ‘punish’ me. I don’t think I do a lot to make you mad. I know I do annoy you with a few of my bad habits. But if they do start to bug you, you can send me an email saying what you are going to do about it. Granted you have a 50-50 chance here. Yes, I often like ‘what’s coming to me’ but also after I am spanked for something specific, I am more likely to do better – for a while anyway. This does put a burden on to follow through on what you say you are going to do, but maybe you could think about it? This might work for both of us.

As much as I love spanking anytime I get in the right head space quicker if I feel that there is a ‘reason’ for the spanking even if it is not a terribly serious one.

Anyway all this rambling is really to say that I am enjoying our adventure very much. I am happy with where we are and I am looking forward to continuing our journey and seeing where it takes us. You never know he might decide to make a few rule and hold my feet (or butt) to the fire. I am opened to new ideas and turns and twists. I am really enjoying our life!