Can I talk about spanking again?

Have you noticed I haven’t been writing about spanking much lately? It’s not that they’ve been nonexistent here, I had a lovely birthday spanking earlier in the month which was completely Nick’s idea with no hinting from me. That was nice, but, but…

Something’s not right in my head.  I’ve gone through ‘dry patches’ before where spanking seemed to hold no interest for me, but this one worries me. I don’t even know how to explain it, so once again you are all my sounding board as I try to understand it myself.

There is no real problem with losing interest in spanking for a while, I know I’m a spanko and that will not change. My problem is that my sexuality is completely wrapped in my spanking desires. When the desire to be spanked goes, so does my sexual desire. I know Nick would be more than happy to spank me, as soon as we get some privacy back, but without that desire in my head, it’s just being slapped on the butt. It just hurts with no release achieved or desire invoked.

Part of this is giving up my youthful dreams of what a dd relationship would/should be like. I thought I wanted to be submissive. Maybe it would have worked, I don’t know. Nick never wanted this. He’s tried over the years to help me achieve what I thought I wanted, but even if we’d ‘achieved’ it, it wouldn’t have been right for us because it wouldn’t have been right for him. It would have been false. We’re neither one good at roll play. I finally quit agonizing over it and simply appreciated what we’ve gained from the trying – most importantly, a closer relationship.

However now I have the problem of no sexual desire. I relate it all back to the ideas of ‘good girls don’t…’ Because of these deeply ingrained feelings (even though I know they are wrong), the idea of dominance and submission that I fantasied about worked for me. It’s the whole “Of course I shouldn’t be doing this, but what choice do I have – he’s in total control and if I don’t do as I’m told, I’ll be punished.” It works very nicely in my head and in fiction, not so well in my bedroom.

Nick has no desire to punish, and despite my flaws, no real reason to. I’ve posted so many times over the years, ‘He doesn’t spank enough.’ ‘He only spanks when he wants sex.’ ‘He won’t give me rules and be consistent.’ But the sad, sad truth is he cannot crawl into my head and understand. Nick is such a wonderful man, he only wants to give me pleasure and to try and understand what I need. He can’t understand that it’s the darker side of my fantasies that I need to maintain my true deep sexual desires. Without a reason for a spanking, at least part of the time, it doesn’t do anything for me.

Sometime I can recapture it, if I have enough time to sink into my fantasy world, but it’s harder now. Once I decided to stop pushing Nick into a role neither of us really wants him in, I stopped going to the fantasies. They’ll push there way back in, they always do, but sometimes I’ve waited years and I don’t want to wait that long.

Somehow I need to find a balance. I haven’t discussed it with Nick because I don’t know one single thing I want him to change or do. I think this has to come from me and I don’t have a clue of how achieve that balance myself. Nick has tried to throw in a little discipline as he helps me with the weigh problems, and while I appreciate the effort and the thought behind it, it’s not doing it for me.  Nick is a kind, sweet, gentle man – I don’t want that to change and I have no desire to see him pretend. There are times I wish I could go to some big mean disciplinary about once a month for a session, nothing to do with sex – just to feed my dark side. With that taken care of, I could be totally satisfied with the sexy fun spankings and the occasional mock discipline that Nick and I enjoy together. Please, don’t send resumes, I’m only kidding. Just another fantasy running around in my head.

I still have no more answers than I did when I sat down to write this. Answers from the sounding board are welcomed.

This means a lot to me - Please read

You had to know that I would eventually have to give my opinion on what’s happened out here.  I completely understand going private if you feel that is the best thing for you – always go with your gut. Hopefully some will feel comfortable opening their sites back to the public after some time passes.

As a teacher there is a little speech I make early in the year, it’s about bullying. We discuss it in general, I tell them despite plans to ‘stamp out bullying’ it’s never going to happen. I stress to the kids that I’m not talking to the bullies, I’m talking to the other 98% of the children and explain how we do have the bullies vastly outnumbered and by supporting one another the bullying problem can sometime be reduced to a minor annoyance.

Specifically I discuss gay bashing, I tell my students that if they are gay or if they ‘worry’ that they may be gay, that that's okay. But that they probably shouldn’t discuss it with their classmates.  They are welcome to talk with a councilor or me. I tell them my son is gay and that I love him because he is a wonderful person, but that the majority of sixth graders do not have the maturity to understand.

I guess the same could be said for ‘reporters’ when it comes to writing articles about TTWD. Shoot anyone could write an article against it. I’m a spanko to the core, but I could write something against it easier than falling off a log.  To write something with balance it takes intelligence, understanding, a willingness to truly look at something from a completely different viewpoint, and a tolerance of different lifestyles to write a fair article.

I’m sorry we can’t be more open about our lifestyles, it would surely make life easier. I wrote something shortly after I began blogging that’s one of my favorite post, since it’s nearly seven years old I’m assuming most of you haven’t read it. Here it is with minor changes.

An email from a friend got me all stirred up about this topic so pardon me while I rant, but I'm upset. I want to know where the rest of the world gets off thinking that what we enjoy and the lifestyle we chose makes us some type of sicko that should not be accepted in polite society!

Many people enjoy massages; often they pay big bucks to have a stranger give them a massage. They talk about how good it feels and how relax they felt afterwards. If their friends, family and colleagues have any thoughts on the matter most would think, “Yeah, a massage would be great”. Well I hate massages. Sometimes people I barely know come up behind me and start rubbing my shoulders. It hurts likes hell. I want to scream at them. If I say anything about not wanting them digging their digits into the muscles near my neck I get a strange look and something like “You don’t LIKE that? There must be something wrong with you. You are way too tense.”

I see people at the gym lifting weights so heavy they look as though they are going to tear a muscle. Runners and cyclist are taught to run or ride through the pain for the benefits on the other side. Huge men are paid bazillion dollars to slam into one another to get a ball moved down a field. All of these people are engaging in activities, by their own choice, that both hurt like hell and are activities that some others would never ever want to do. Yet they are considered normal. People will let them talk about what they enjoy and it’s even acceptable to encourage other to at least give it a try.

I enjoy being spanked. I love the sting, I love the afterglow, I love the achy soreness the next day, I love the feeling of release, I love the emotional closeness I feel with my husband, I love everything about it. Spanking is good for my physical, mental and emotional well being. I'm not even encouraging others to try it. I'm just saying it is a wonderful thing in my life.

So why is it that I would be the one to possible lose my job if my superiors were to discover that I blog about it. At best I could expect to be ridiculed, thought of as unnatural or perhaps even perverted. IT'S NOT FAIR. I am just as normal as those who like massages, lift weight, run or play football. But no, our desire is strictly taboo. I want to stand up and yell “I’m damn mad and I’m not going to take it anymore!” Instead I have to sit here and type “I’m damn mad and there is not a friggin thing I can do about it!”

And if you don’t mind if I rant on, another topic we are discussing on our blog is our sex life. This would also make our friends and family gasp in horror and heap embarrassment on us. WHY? If I were reading blogs to improve my cardiovascular system that would be fine, if my boss or family found out, they would be proud of me. I could ask all the question I wanted to and gathering all the information I could. But if I want to learn about my sexuality, if I want to learn more about how this part of my body how it works and ways to improve or enhanced the quality of an orgasm – oh my, heaven forbid! And speaking of heaven, God created our bodies and included in the female a special added feature strictly for pleasure having nothing to do with reproduction. So evidently He intended for us to enjoy this part of our lives. There is nothing wrong with researching how our bodies are supposed to work.

We are talking about sex and spankings on our blogs. I am not standing on the street corner yelling these things at folks that don't want to hear it. If you don't want to hear my opinions on these topics you wouldn’t have read this far. I know that none of us are embarrassed in the least by what we read or write yet we worry about others finding out, because others won’t understand. I want my blog to remain a secret from my vanilla friends. Not only would I have to deal with the embarrassment if it were discovered, my family would also. But if anyone I know does find my blog and tries to make me feel guilty or threats to tell others I am going to print this post off, shove it in their face and tell them to kiss my ass!

My friends, I thank you for allowing me a place for my rant. I knew I would be safe here.


We've all made the choice to be here, own that decision and be proud.

The spanking I (want) need

I talked in my last post about how much spanking adds to my happiness and well being. Now I want to tell you about how I wish it would happen. I know some will look at this as topping. But I see it differently. Like many of the women who blogs here I, the one desiring spanking, was the one who introduced this idea into our marriage. When I first laid it out for Nick he was startled, surprised, and bewildered. It is a pretty strange concept for a vanilla after all. But after the idea sunk in he had little hesitation. It was more of a ‘Really? Well sure, why not!’ response. So as willing as he has been, I’m the one who know what I’m asking for. Telling him want I need isn’t topping, it’s asking. Suppose I came home one day with my feet tired and aching and ask Nick if he would be willing to give me a foot massage. He says he’s certainly willing, but then he starts massaging my shoulders instead. Would it be topping (bossy) to say ‘No honey it’s my feet that need the massage.’ Maybe he just didn’t understand the first time. If he’s willing to help I know he’s willing to do what I need. I just need to be clear, he can't read my mind.

Now on to that spanking I want. Well, first the spanking I don’t want. Nick suddenly realized I haven’t been spanked in a while and says to himself, “I better spank her soon or she’s going to get crabby on me.” So without further adieu grabs me, bares my bottom, spanks hard for 30 seconds or so and thinks, ”There, that ought to hold her.” While I’d be thinking “WTF just happened?” Nick doesn’t do this but I think that would be horrible.

Anticipation is one important part of being a spanko. We all know what a powerful instrument the mind is. I really need my mind engaged to get the benefits of a spanking. Maybe an email, a text during the day, a whisper in my ear as he leaves in the morning – something to let me know he thinks it’s time for a spanking. The day before is great, that morning is also good, but even an hour’s lead time really helps me get in the right frame of mind. This doesn’t have to be a long spanking. Of course it can be, but he’s welcomed to take a break and tell me to wait where I am in whatever position he wants me in, then come back to finish the job. But honestly we may be only talking 10 or 15 minutes here if that’s all the time we have – is that too much to ask for once a week or so?

Since we don’t get to spank all that often I really need a warm up to be able to take what I want to take. I like to start out over clothes (not Nick’s favorite) with something not too harsh. I need him to go slowly again to allow my mind time to fall into the submissive mode and get the full benefit. If he starts off too hard, the pain is all I can think about. I just want it over instead of going with it and riding it through. The warm up is important, mentally and physically. When we get to the bare, the hand is a wonderful for a warmup, it can go on for as long as he wants in my mind. Maybe a good rule would be to began with a moderate hand spanking and as it builds, and his hand can no longer take it, then maybe I’ll be warmed up enough for him to move on to something else. Rogue mentioned that if her husband felt real discipline was necessary then she is willing to take whatever he dishes out – hard spanking wise, but if it was just a stress relief or for reconnection starting off too hard can negate the benefits. I agree completely! I don’t mean to tell Nick want he has to do. But I am trying to share what I feel I need. Once he hears my needs and the reasons for them he can decide the best way to go forward.

One more note to Nick and most any other guy reading here. If you tell the woman you love that you’re going to spank her that evening or that it will be the next day and something comes up so that it’s not possible – say something!! Things happen, we know that but tell us it has to be postponed, let us know you haven’t just forgotten or blown it off. This matters to us and we what to think it matters to you too.

So I’ve communicated, I’ve spelled out what I need, why I need it and what I want so badly, but there is a question I have. I don’t think Nick reads here anymore, maybe occasionally, but not every post.
Do I direct him to my last post and this one, or do I leave it in the hands of chance that he might read it? While I want this with my heart, my head often tells me just let it go. So heart or head, which do I listen to?

I've been thinking again

This is my weekend alone. Nick's off golfing. I really love Nick – but I also don’t mind a weekend alone once and a while. It was my hope to spend some of this weekend reading and writing fiction. But I have realized over time that stories, mine or Cassie’s, come when they are darn good and ready and not necessarily when you have the time to write. Anyway there was some real life running around in my head and it seemed to want some attention.

I read here so much – much more than I comment these days. Many of my friends now are somewhere near the beginning of introducing spanking into their marriages and sometimes I’m a little jealous. It’s new, it’s exciting, it’s full of ‘what if’s’ wondering exactly where this adventure will take them. The husbands seem so actively involved, also doing their own wondering. Sometimes I feel like Nick and I are becoming dull. Such long periods of time passes, seemingly, without Nick giving any thought to spanking. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to pop in here with what I think Nick is thinking (in red). Bless his heart, I’m always having long conversations, discussion and sometimes fights with him all in my head without giving him any time for actually input. So if he were to read this right now he’d be say.

Now wait a minute. You have been exhausted when you get home. Work is overwhelming you, Mollie is getting ready for graduation, we’ve been worried about the dog, I’ve been tired from work too and I was getting ready for this trip. You grab up your computer and nurse it on your lap every evening seeming to not want to be bothered. You certainly haven’t acted like you were very interested lately, what was I supposed to think or do?

All true and he makes some good points. I am tired, I am stressed over a variety of things, but darn it – I’m a spanko! What does he think helps me in times like this? Since we began this spanking is often followed by sex – really great sex, I might add. But now I think (I know) Nick puts off any spanking activities until we have the time, privacy and energy for such an afternoon. Nick has never understood how much I need non-sexual spanking. Those spankings are for me, for my needs, to help me cope, to know that I am protected, watched over, cared for… thought about. I want him to spank me when there is nothing in it for him, other that a happier, more well-adjusted wife.

I communicate – I try to anyway. (Here she goes again.) It’s not like we haven’t gone over this before. Nothing stays fresh and new as it was in the beginning. Everyone gets lazy. I’ll tell you right now I’m the worst! We’re lucky, both of us can be pretty lazy about our relationship and it’s still good. I’m looking for GREAT! I like it when we tease more, point pervertibles out to one another, anytime we can steal those secret swats! As I write this I’m saying to myself – you are not being fair!! Nick does do things like this. And he does – but I’m greedy and I want more.

Rogue, at Rogue’s Awakening, often holds a mirror up to me without realizing it. When I read her wonderful blog I can see myself. I completely understood what she was saying in her post Helluva Wife. While I know Nick has no interest in real Dom/Sub or discipline relationship he knows I do so much better when I have a few rules or guideline. (Now wait – I’ve given you some rules and guidelines. You pretty much seem to ignore them. What’s the point?) Okay honey, the point is that you never, or rarely, back them up. You’ll give me a rule (maybe even one I want to master but haven’t had the self-discipline to make myself) but I don’t keep up with it because it’s hard, or takes too much time and energy, or I would rather do things exactly my way. When you see me slipping or going around the rule or just breaking it and you never mention it, much less spank me for doing it, I realize you didn’t really care about it in the first place. Then part of me feels uncared for too.

Now you know good and well I care about you. We don’t have a lot of privacy for spanking and you know it. Mollie is here most of the time. I try to do what I can when she is babysitting.

I love our afternoons when Mollie is away but come on, I break a rule or don’t do something you’ve asked me to – you mention it, spanking my butt for a few minutes then we have hot amazing sex. Boy that’ll make sure I won’t blow off that rule next time! I mean what’s a better deterrent that delicious hot sex!

But Nick has a good point. I really only feel comfortable having sex anymore when Mollie is out of the house. Our house is small, her bedroom right across the hall, and she stays awake late into the night. So if we do manage to get in a private afternoon I guess Nick doesn’t want to waste it with a non-sexual spanking.

I know some of you are thinking ‘maintenance ’. It just hasn’t worked around here. We’ve sorta tried; really we’ve just discussed it, but it's rarely happened. Several of us have talked about our husbands not wanting to spank us hard if they don’t feel we’ve done anything wrong. I understand their confusion and I share it in theory, but I still know what I need. What I want Nick to know is this. If there's a rule or something he does care about, he can tell me, and I’ll try to do what he wants. If I don’t and he feels a spanking would help the situation he knows I’m open to that. But if he’s satisfied he can live with me the way I am and rules aren’t his thing then this is what I would love to hear him say:

You need a spanking and you’re going to get one. If I don't spank you soon you’re going to start drifting again, getting the ‘who gives a shit’ attitude, you’ll be working on those walls again and pulling away from me. I’ve seen it happen time and time again and I don’t like it. I don’t understand why spanking works but I know it does. And if burning your bottom up every week or so keeps you happy and healthy; if it keeps us connected and keeps you from needing antidepressants or counseling then I’m going to do it. I don’t care if you’re in the mood or not. If you needed a pill to keep you healthy I wouldn’t let you wait until you were in the mood to take it - you'd take it because it's good for you and because I said so.

Now that would be great! He would have to do it regularly, which means he would have to remember. Hmmmm… that could be a problem. To me it sounds like a simple, inexpensive way to have a happy wife.

So this whole post is pointing out how much I need spanking in by life to feel my best, my happiest, my most mentally balanced and my most loved. When we go for long periods without a much needed spanking my mood spirals downward. It begins as a very slow, gradual spiral. I think longingly back to the last one, then I start wishing that there was another coming. After the longing and the wishing I start feeling like I really need one to clear my head and reconnect with Nick. Around this time I begin say to myself ‘Forget it, don’t bug the man. It’s really not that important’. But that isn’t really true. Not long after that (and this can be over a period of a month or longer) I start feeling hurt and begin to pull away followed swiftly by being pissed and saying “Screw it, what the use? Forget the whole f**kin’ thing!”

Unfortunately for Nick every one of these stages goes on completely internally with barely a ripple that anyone could see. I may become a little quieter but nothing shows until I’m to the pissed – stay the hell away from me, stage. What I’m wishing for is that he will spank often enough to catch me in the ‘I’m really wanting to reconnect’ phase rather than the ‘touch me and draw back a nub, you jerk!’ phase.

Don’t worry – I rarely get to that last stage, but it has happened. Mostly when it gets bad my mood sticks at apathetic.

See what happens when I have too much time to write! I go on and on and I have more. I know exactly what kind of spanking I want and I’ll post on that in a day or two.