I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The spanking I (want) need

I talked in my last post about how much spanking adds to my happiness and well being. Now I want to tell you about how I wish it would happen. I know some will look at this as topping. But I see it differently. Like many of the women who blogs here I, the one desiring spanking, was the one who introduced this idea into our marriage. When I first laid it out for Nick he was startled, surprised, and bewildered. It is a pretty strange concept for a vanilla after all. But after the idea sunk in he had little hesitation. It was more of a ‘Really? Well sure, why not!’ response. So as willing as he has been, I’m the one who know what I’m asking for. Telling him want I need isn’t topping, it’s asking. Suppose I came home one day with my feet tired and aching and ask Nick if he would be willing to give me a foot massage. He says he’s certainly willing, but then he starts massaging my shoulders instead. Would it be topping (bossy) to say ‘No honey it’s my feet that need the massage.’ Maybe he just didn’t understand the first time. If he’s willing to help I know he’s willing to do what I need. I just need to be clear, he can't read my mind.

Now on to that spanking I want. Well, first the spanking I don’t want. Nick suddenly realized I haven’t been spanked in a while and says to himself, “I better spank her soon or she’s going to get crabby on me.” So without further adieu grabs me, bares my bottom, spanks hard for 30 seconds or so and thinks, ”There, that ought to hold her.” While I’d be thinking “WTF just happened?” Nick doesn’t do this but I think that would be horrible.

Anticipation is one important part of being a spanko. We all know what a powerful instrument the mind is. I really need my mind engaged to get the benefits of a spanking. Maybe an email, a text during the day, a whisper in my ear as he leaves in the morning – something to let me know he thinks it’s time for a spanking. The day before is great, that morning is also good, but even an hour’s lead time really helps me get in the right frame of mind. This doesn’t have to be a long spanking. Of course it can be, but he’s welcomed to take a break and tell me to wait where I am in whatever position he wants me in, then come back to finish the job. But honestly we may be only talking 10 or 15 minutes here if that’s all the time we have – is that too much to ask for once a week or so?

Since we don’t get to spank all that often I really need a warm up to be able to take what I want to take. I like to start out over clothes (not Nick’s favorite) with something not too harsh. I need him to go slowly again to allow my mind time to fall into the submissive mode and get the full benefit. If he starts off too hard, the pain is all I can think about. I just want it over instead of going with it and riding it through. The warm up is important, mentally and physically. When we get to the bare, the hand is a wonderful for a warmup, it can go on for as long as he wants in my mind. Maybe a good rule would be to began with a moderate hand spanking and as it builds, and his hand can no longer take it, then maybe I’ll be warmed up enough for him to move on to something else. Rogue mentioned that if her husband felt real discipline was necessary then she is willing to take whatever he dishes out – hard spanking wise, but if it was just a stress relief or for reconnection starting off too hard can negate the benefits. I agree completely! I don’t mean to tell Nick want he has to do. But I am trying to share what I feel I need. Once he hears my needs and the reasons for them he can decide the best way to go forward.

One more note to Nick and most any other guy reading here. If you tell the woman you love that you’re going to spank her that evening or that it will be the next day and something comes up so that it’s not possible – say something!! Things happen, we know that but tell us it has to be postponed, let us know you haven’t just forgotten or blown it off. This matters to us and we what to think it matters to you too.

So I’ve communicated, I’ve spelled out what I need, why I need it and what I want so badly, but there is a question I have. I don’t think Nick reads here anymore, maybe occasionally, but not every post.
Do I direct him to my last post and this one, or do I leave it in the hands of chance that he might read it? While I want this with my heart, my head often tells me just let it go. So heart or head, which do I listen to?


  1. I vote heart. I used to worry about topping from the bottom. Now, I realize giving your partner information that would make things better, is just that, giving information. Keeps them from guessing...they don't have to use the information....but if they are smart....lol! Good luck!

  2. My heart used to always rule my head until I got older now it's always my head ruling but with you listen to your heart PK.


  3. nancy : )11:06 AM

    Hi, I've enjoyed reading your blog, but this is my first time commenting here.
    I say show your husband your last two posts. Don't wait for him to read them by chance. Share your needs with your husband. I'm sure he wants to know. It's easier on him than guessing. I've been going through the same feelings as you and Rogue. I've chatted with both Rogue and Ella @ c&e life in dd about this. So, with posts and articles in hand I'm going to share my needs/wants with my husband. Again, (yes,again).
    My best wishes to you.

  4. PK,
    I asked Jared to read both of these posts. I don't think he has been keeping up with mine lately or I certainly would have heard about it! LOL!

    I've had a thought ruminating in my head about you. Will get in touch soon as I can!

  5. PK: Two tremendous back to back posts that summed up your dilemma so very well.

    My advice is that you take nothing to chance. Print them out with a big sign READ THESE and hand them to him. No point in being subtle.

    I understand this is difficult for him because it is not really his thing and it is easy for him to make rules and then ignore it when you don't follow them. Or not to give you some anticipation before a spanking.

    But you have done an excellent job of putting down the road map for what you crave and need. And maybe just maybe the lightbulb will go on in his head and he will change. Anyway, good luck. The timing is good because you are heading into the empty nest years and you will have the house to yourself and you can relax knowing your daughter isn't in the next room.

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Give it a try.


  6. Blogger wouldn’t let Paul comment this morning so the emailed this:

    PK, if it's down to head or heart, I tend to go with the heart.
    Send him an email.
    As you say, we can't read minds.
    Love and warm hugs,

    I think the inability to read minds is a major shortcoming of you men. But I love you guys anyway.

    It’s not that I’m worried about topping, I’m just worried about pestering him when he’s sick of hearing it.

    Going with my heart feels right some days. Other times I have doubts.

    I appreciate you commenting. I agree completely that we need to tell our men again what we need, and again, and again … but is there eventually a time to stop?

    I’d love to know what Jared thinks if he reads them. I’ll be looking forward to hearing about your ruminations!

    I will probably ask him to read them eventually. I guess it sounds a little like I’m mad at Nick and I’m not. I know he likes the fun sexy spankings and I think they will be part of our lives for a long while to come. I just don’t know whether to keep bothering him about the other stuff.

  7. Nancy : )2:06 AM

    I don't know that there is a time to stop sharing our desires/needs. Being open with your partner is important to the well-being of your relationship. To turn the tables, my husband had shared his wants/needs with me. Each time he shared, I understood a bit more of what was important to him. And, maybe it was just a matter of me being ready to understand a bit more at a time. Just be open and honest with him.
    This is just as much a pep talk for you as it is for me. ;)
    Deep breath.
    I wish you the best.


  8. Jamie5:06 AM

    I think go with the heart, generally guy's know, secretly, that we are just not as intuitive as wives and girlfriends, although we won't admit it! so keep telling us :)


  9. Anonymous8:26 AM

    The message in a bottle only works if you present them with the bottle, open the bottle, take the note out of the bottle, read the note to them when they are in a receptive frame of mind and then, explain the note to them with a calendar nearby ready to schedule .

  10. Nancy,
    Maybe pep talks are what we all really need from time to time. Thanks for sending me one when I needed it.

    I hope you're right. I just get the feeling that Nick is tired of hearing the same old thing.

    Now that might be one way to go about it.

  11. First of all...me too me too!!!
    Ok, now in answer to your question, you of course need to choose to follow what feels right to you, but I would listen to your head see what it thinks but then always follow your heart. A wise person once told me I needed to keep sharing my feelings and communicating with my husband...oh wait that was you! :-) Hugs

  12. Terps,
    My own words coming back to bite me! I know it's still true and I will probably direct him to these sometime but I haven't yet. Might as well wait for school to get out now.

  13. Anonymous12:25 AM

    That is my exact dilema - do i carry on trying to explain what i want and need and run the risk of him getting sick of hearing it. Its hard being a newbie to this. Im not new to spanking but am new to domestic discipline. He is new to spanking altogether. But he has taken to it like a duck takes to water. But sometimes i think he gets what i want and others i think he doesnt. Im looking forward to the time when i can relax and know that he will follow through when he says im in for discpline. So far i have had three punishment spankings. One being only 2 days ago. I have decided that i will talk to him about this issue after each spanking so that he understands. Afterall its on both our minds at the same time. Then i am sure that he knows (at least for then) what it is i want. Eventually (im hoping) it will stick.
    But talking is the trick, picking your moments to talk is also an art. Trusting your instincts. All i know is that i couldnt go back to a relationship now without spanking, especially discpline spanking. The feeling of love and respect after each discpline spanking i have received is overwhelming. I love this man, i love the way he makes me feel and i love him being in charge of me and loving me enough to do this for me.

  14. Anon,
    It's hard to make a born vanilla understand what we want/need. I know they want to make us happy and I know it's hard for them to realize that punishing us (maybe harder than they want to) would make us happy. But like you said it does. It makes us feel loved and cared for.