I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, May 22, 2011

I've been thinking again

This is my weekend alone. Nick's off golfing. I really love Nick – but I also don’t mind a weekend alone once and a while. It was my hope to spend some of this weekend reading and writing fiction. But I have realized over time that stories, mine or Cassie’s, come when they are darn good and ready and not necessarily when you have the time to write. Anyway there was some real life running around in my head and it seemed to want some attention.

I read here so much – much more than I comment these days. Many of my friends now are somewhere near the beginning of introducing spanking into their marriages and sometimes I’m a little jealous. It’s new, it’s exciting, it’s full of ‘what if’s’ wondering exactly where this adventure will take them. The husbands seem so actively involved, also doing their own wondering. Sometimes I feel like Nick and I are becoming dull. Such long periods of time passes, seemingly, without Nick giving any thought to spanking. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to pop in here with what I think Nick is thinking (in red). Bless his heart, I’m always having long conversations, discussion and sometimes fights with him all in my head without giving him any time for actually input. So if he were to read this right now he’d be say.

Now wait a minute. You have been exhausted when you get home. Work is overwhelming you, Mollie is getting ready for graduation, we’ve been worried about the dog, I’ve been tired from work too and I was getting ready for this trip. You grab up your computer and nurse it on your lap every evening seeming to not want to be bothered. You certainly haven’t acted like you were very interested lately, what was I supposed to think or do?

All true and he makes some good points. I am tired, I am stressed over a variety of things, but darn it – I’m a spanko! What does he think helps me in times like this? Since we began this spanking is often followed by sex – really great sex, I might add. But now I think (I know) Nick puts off any spanking activities until we have the time, privacy and energy for such an afternoon. Nick has never understood how much I need non-sexual spanking. Those spankings are for me, for my needs, to help me cope, to know that I am protected, watched over, cared for… thought about. I want him to spank me when there is nothing in it for him, other that a happier, more well-adjusted wife.

I communicate – I try to anyway. (Here she goes again.) It’s not like we haven’t gone over this before. Nothing stays fresh and new as it was in the beginning. Everyone gets lazy. I’ll tell you right now I’m the worst! We’re lucky, both of us can be pretty lazy about our relationship and it’s still good. I’m looking for GREAT! I like it when we tease more, point pervertibles out to one another, anytime we can steal those secret swats! As I write this I’m saying to myself – you are not being fair!! Nick does do things like this. And he does – but I’m greedy and I want more.

Rogue, at Rogue’s Awakening, often holds a mirror up to me without realizing it. When I read her wonderful blog I can see myself. I completely understood what she was saying in her post Helluva Wife. While I know Nick has no interest in real Dom/Sub or discipline relationship he knows I do so much better when I have a few rules or guideline. (Now wait – I’ve given you some rules and guidelines. You pretty much seem to ignore them. What’s the point?) Okay honey, the point is that you never, or rarely, back them up. You’ll give me a rule (maybe even one I want to master but haven’t had the self-discipline to make myself) but I don’t keep up with it because it’s hard, or takes too much time and energy, or I would rather do things exactly my way. When you see me slipping or going around the rule or just breaking it and you never mention it, much less spank me for doing it, I realize you didn’t really care about it in the first place. Then part of me feels uncared for too.

Now you know good and well I care about you. We don’t have a lot of privacy for spanking and you know it. Mollie is here most of the time. I try to do what I can when she is babysitting.

I love our afternoons when Mollie is away but come on, I break a rule or don’t do something you’ve asked me to – you mention it, spanking my butt for a few minutes then we have hot amazing sex. Boy that’ll make sure I won’t blow off that rule next time! I mean what’s a better deterrent that delicious hot sex!

But Nick has a good point. I really only feel comfortable having sex anymore when Mollie is out of the house. Our house is small, her bedroom right across the hall, and she stays awake late into the night. So if we do manage to get in a private afternoon I guess Nick doesn’t want to waste it with a non-sexual spanking.

I know some of you are thinking ‘maintenance ’. It just hasn’t worked around here. We’ve sorta tried; really we’ve just discussed it, but it's rarely happened. Several of us have talked about our husbands not wanting to spank us hard if they don’t feel we’ve done anything wrong. I understand their confusion and I share it in theory, but I still know what I need. What I want Nick to know is this. If there's a rule or something he does care about, he can tell me, and I’ll try to do what he wants. If I don’t and he feels a spanking would help the situation he knows I’m open to that. But if he’s satisfied he can live with me the way I am and rules aren’t his thing then this is what I would love to hear him say:

You need a spanking and you’re going to get one. If I don't spank you soon you’re going to start drifting again, getting the ‘who gives a shit’ attitude, you’ll be working on those walls again and pulling away from me. I’ve seen it happen time and time again and I don’t like it. I don’t understand why spanking works but I know it does. And if burning your bottom up every week or so keeps you happy and healthy; if it keeps us connected and keeps you from needing antidepressants or counseling then I’m going to do it. I don’t care if you’re in the mood or not. If you needed a pill to keep you healthy I wouldn’t let you wait until you were in the mood to take it - you'd take it because it's good for you and because I said so.

Now that would be great! He would have to do it regularly, which means he would have to remember. Hmmmm… that could be a problem. To me it sounds like a simple, inexpensive way to have a happy wife.

So this whole post is pointing out how much I need spanking in by life to feel my best, my happiest, my most mentally balanced and my most loved. When we go for long periods without a much needed spanking my mood spirals downward. It begins as a very slow, gradual spiral. I think longingly back to the last one, then I start wishing that there was another coming. After the longing and the wishing I start feeling like I really need one to clear my head and reconnect with Nick. Around this time I begin say to myself ‘Forget it, don’t bug the man. It’s really not that important’. But that isn’t really true. Not long after that (and this can be over a period of a month or longer) I start feeling hurt and begin to pull away followed swiftly by being pissed and saying “Screw it, what the use? Forget the whole f**kin’ thing!”

Unfortunately for Nick every one of these stages goes on completely internally with barely a ripple that anyone could see. I may become a little quieter but nothing shows until I’m to the pissed – stay the hell away from me, stage. What I’m wishing for is that he will spank often enough to catch me in the ‘I’m really wanting to reconnect’ phase rather than the ‘touch me and draw back a nub, you jerk!’ phase.

Don’t worry – I rarely get to that last stage, but it has happened. Mostly when it gets bad my mood sticks at apathetic.

See what happens when I have too much time to write! I go on and on and I have more. I know exactly what kind of spanking I want and I’ll post on that in a day or two.


  1. PK, you never go on too long.
    I wish that I could help, but it's something that you and Nick must sort out.
    I wish you luck.
    Love and warm hugs,

  2. It's good that you had the alone time to write your thoughts down. Once the school year is over you won't be do tired and maybe you will feel more cheerful.


  3. PK, we are the same woman married to the same man. If I could articulate half as well as you, perhaps I could get through to him. I loved Nick's thoughts and feelings from your point of view. Jared would say the same.

    I repeat your words... I'm glad I'm not alone.


  4. You can see both sides...a big plus! No answers,,,,just hope you get that spanking soon and regularly!

  5. Paul,
    Thanks for always being here to let me bounce my thoughts off. A friendly ear is always welcomed.

    School being over will make EVERYTHING seem better. I'm not feeling down, just hoping for a little more.

    I think you articulate extremely well otherwise you wouldn't be stimulating me to write more. Boy aren't our husbands going to be surprised when they realize we all the same people! LOL!

    Thanks Abby,
    I'm pretty good at seeing both sided it really keeps me from being really upset with him.

  6. You've come along way PK. Glad you had time to share this with us.

    I wish I could wave a magic wand.


  7. I think it's great that you know yourself so well, and that you keep trying to communicate with your husband too. It's going to be so wonderful when he catches on completely! :)

  8. Now Ronnie you know good and well if you had a magic wand P would use it as a cane!

    If he ever does. BTW this comment has another whole post growing in my mind - thanks.

  9. Hi PK! Thank-you for sharing your thoughts...you speak so well what I am feeling too. :-) Hugs, Terps

  10. Anonymous12:49 AM

    PK - you seem to be reading my thoughts. I wish i knew what to do too. I dont want to go on and on and on but how else can i get through to him about what it is i want. I think too much. I have similar conversations in my head too. I worry that i am nagging too much about this subject. I would love for him to say to me "right young lady, you have done wrong, now im going to punish you and then i will forgive you and we can move on." and then just do it without me hinting, asking, suggesting. Perhaps patience is needed but paitence has never been nor probbly never will be a virtue of mine.
    I wish i could help - i wish you could help me
    I think we both just have to keep gently talking to our HOH

  11. Anon,
    I think so many of us are in the same boat. 'I think too much' is something I've said to myself a million times. We just have to keep trying.

  12. Anonymous5:31 PM

    Hi PK, thanks for the thought. Yeah we have to keep trying. I did again this morning. He threatened to slap my arse over something and then said oh i cant punish you like that you like it!! Grrrrrrrr so i said well yes you can punish me like that. Its what ive been trying to tell you. Do you get it yet? When i have done something wrong you can punish me. Its what i have been trying to tell you its what i need what id like us to do. He reckons he does get it now. I said i like play spankings but i need punishment ones when i step out ofl ine. Maybe i should explain the difference to him. Play ones being where maybe i have suggested it, but punishments are his decision, its what he thinks should happen to me because of a certain behaviour or wrong doing. I get no say in it. He just does it. (Ohh thats a good way to put it) He has this black mark system going on at the moment so i told him that i like it but he has to follow through with it. He replied that well he has to let them mount up he cant give me one slap for one black mark. I replied well ok then maybe one a week would be good. So we will see. Keep your fingers crossed for me :) x
    P.S. I love your blog site. Im now a firm fan. Im going to start reading from home so maybe he gets it some more :)

  13. Anon,
    Here is a post you might like and you may even want to share it with your honey


    And could I ask you one favor. Would you pick a name to go by. It really help to know I'm talking to the same person. Most of us go by fake names so just pick something you like. You are also welcomed to email if you would like to elisspeaks@yahoo.com

  14. Anonymous6:13 PM

    Hi PK. thanks again for your thoughts. I will read that post shortly. As for a user name - sorry - im just not sure how to do it. I get the choice of a google account, or OpenID or Name/URL. Im not all that computer savvy so not sure what to do. I could always just sign off with a name so you know its the same person??

  15. ok, this is just a test to see if i have managed to work out how to sign in under a user name. Heregoes.

  16. Hi PK this is just a little test to myself to see if i managed to log in under a user name as you asked me too. Heregoes.
    Cheers. Kiwigirl x