I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wandering through spanking thoughts

I need to talk a little about spanking and what I need. Yes I am talking to Nick but here is where I can clear my thought and see if I am making sense to other spankos. Poor Nick, I think I rarely make sense to him, he is just good enough to go alone with my strangeness most of the time.

My fantasies always involved both erotic spankings and discipline. The erotic for obvious reasons and discipline in order to feel safe and loved. But Nick has never wanted to do discipline because he views it differently. We have had a partnership marriage that ran very smoothly for a long time. I think a lot of his questions are similar to those asked on Living Domestic Discipline, N and K’s blog. You can read their post here but I’m paraphrasing here from their post and from discussions between Nick and me.

Nick: You say you want discipline and I know often you do, but what happens when you don’t? What about when you are in a really pissy mood and I have no idea why. You don’t seem to want to talk and it seems you’re mad at me but I have no idea why. Now really – do I give you space, try to talk to you or grab you turn you over my knee and spank the truth/problem out of you?

I have to say these are good questions and if I am really, really honest my answer has to be ‘I don’t know’. It would be so easy to say “I want you to spank me so I know you are the one in charge and you are the one who will make me do right and I will feel safe and cared for.” This would be easy to say as I write this because that is what I always want in my fantasy. But in reality, if I have a horrible day, I’m stressed, overloaded with work and really angry about things in general, do I want Nick saying – “You are going to the gym tonight no matter what.”? Do I want him telling me what to eat and not eat or to tell me to put my laundry away NOW?

And again I come to the same answer – I don’t know. Part of me does want that. That part deep inside that wants to be submissive to a strong man, that part that nearly all the women of my generation have fought to suppress their entire lives. Just as I think men have fought their natural dominate feeling so as not to be thought of as a chauvinist or a bully. It all still confuses me and I know the answer won’t fall in my lap today.

Nick is not comfortable with the thought that he has the right to ‘discipline’ me. I think for him it puts him into somewhat of a parenting frame of mind that, of course, neither of us want. But we have discussed that even if he did use discipline there wouldn’t be much reason to. We rarely disagree – not on money, the kids, household responsibilities, and I have never yelled or cussed him in anger in our lives. If we did discipline it would have to almost be made up reasons. And that wouldn’t feel real to me. Pretend discipline doesn’t get it. I don’t mean to say I don’t do tons of things that annoy him, it’s just that we are both so laid back that we don’t sweat the small stuff and Nick sees my shortcomings as ‘small stuff’, bless his heart.

He has only really used discipline twice – at least where I felt it was real. Once I lied to him about going to the gym – I had confessed because I felt guilty. And the other time was when I called myself a ‘piece of shit’. He really didn’t like that and I really didn’t like what followed! But I did feel loved that he picked that as one of the few things he wouldn’t tolerate.

So what we do leaves me much happier than I ever was before I came out to him but still needing … more.

I am looking for that middle ground where I am getting the feelings that I think being dominated would bring me – safety, security, protection, and love, while Nick would not feel uncomfortable being my ‘boss’ and feeling like he is expected to monitor my every move and feel like a bully telling me what to do.

So where does that leave us? More thoughts tomorrow.


  1. ohhhhhhhhhhh, I so do recognize this. It's the same overhere, we both have a fulltime job and he knows how hard I am working. I always take care of his lunch, he's got clean shirts, but I don't do the dusting every day or go vacuming... I do take care of evening diner, and often the evenings when I am not working I am tired...

    Now he feels that I am doing all I can and he does not want to boss me around as he knows already how hard I am workings. He does order me to switch of my work cell phone on my days off...

    he does not want to give me unreasonable punishment...

    mmmmmmm, we're in similar positions I guess... even if we're only 10 months together now...

  2. I definitely include discipline as something that's going on in my head during and especially after a spanking. Ron doesn't like the idea, and I think some of it has to do with being put into a parental position. He's not my father and doesn't want to try to be. So while our spanking is erotic only, what goes on in my mind is my choice.

    But I can imagine that the whole discipline thing must be so hard for men to comprehend if they aren't the ones with the spanko gene to begin with.


  3. PK, this is a hard one, while I enjoy erotic spankings, discipline is much harder and is only given when it's quite plain that the other wants it.
    I empathise with Nick, I believe that all decent Dom's feel this.
    I suspect that I'm not much of a sadist.
    Love and warm hugs,

  4. Anonymous2:05 PM

    My two cents based on what I hear you expressing.... Nick should consider trying it out. Yes, when you act pissy and won't talk, that's grounds for a warning... If you are pissy for a reason and need to discuss something with him, than be direct. Otherwise end the bitchiness. If the behavior continues, he can proceed. Theoretically Nick will bring about that classic "save me from myself" mode and thus reconnecting you, by spanking the self centered behavior away (temporarily if you're like me). If you trust his HOH role spanking could alleviate that inevitable frustrating pathway which is bound to be filled with low quality time. I'm torn but leaning myself toward that submissive side, I figure we can always stop if is isn't working, but trying it might be worthwhile - at least you would know definitively. Can't hurt is too obvious of a pun... but can I stop myself no, which begs the above question! Hugs PK & Sympathy to Nick - Tell me this wasn't his birthday conversation!!! If it was, you should be spanked!!!!

  5. arwen5:56 PM

    Hi, PK,
    I think one of the misconceptions about DD is that the husband needs to assign chores and micromanage the wife. (It certainly doesn't mean that the wife has to do all the household chores when she also has a full time job.) You can set boundaries that work for you.
    For us, it is often about reconnecting. Like KayLynn said, he can spank away the self centered behaviors or "pissiness" . . . whatever hinders the intimate connection between the two of you. And it really does not have to feel parental at all.
    If you feel like you want "more," you should give it a go.

  6. Lessa,
    One thing we know for sure our men are the very best! And they care for us the way they think is best and isn't that what we really wanted in the first place?

    Thanks! Then I'm not the only one who does this! Maybe we are just as happy keeping discipline as a fantasy. And keeping our wonderful husbands as our reality!

    Even though I am the hard wired spanko Nick may understand more of what I need than I realized. We have talked a lot in the last few days and it's been good.

    Don't worry Nick had a great birthday! I really like one thing you said. I wish he would warn/threaten to spank me when I get in one of those moods. Just the threat might be enough to snap me out of it and if it didn't a follow through probably would. It would take a brave man to step up when his wife is in such a mood but I think Nick might just be up to it.

    You said it well too. Those occasional moods of mine really are the only thing I do that puts a distance between us and that really need to be the only thing I need him to help correct.

  7. Anonymous9:50 PM

    Hiya PK (and Nick)thanks for the shout out! I agree with Arwen, there doesn't need to be a lot of rules to have a DD relationship. K doesn't monitor chores or anything like that-we share those based on who is home when they need to be done. It doesn't sound like you need much in the way of discipline you just want to know there are some rules for your own good. We need our men to take care of us because we are always so busy taking care of everybody else we ignore our own needs. A good HOH uses discipline as needed to reinforce the importance of you taking good care of the most important person to him (yourself!).

  8. all very good questions. for myself I do not know the answer either. I do know what I fantasize. And I do know what I need and that I need more...much more...but also know regardless of getting my spanking needs met, I just love my man and I know he loves me. Ok, now I am rambling...sorry. Keep communicating, keep playing, keep fantasizing...you will find the answer for you. :-)