I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

More thought on spanking and weigh loss

I really want to thank everyone who commented yesterday. Your comments helped me realize a few things. Nick and I have done some talking to and I am feeling great about things. I'll let you know more about our talk in my Sunday post. Tomorrow we have a brand new Fantasy Friday from a new writer, so don't forget to come by!

But here is the rest of my mind wanderings ...

I have been struggling on and off with depression for several months now. I hesitate to even say that because it is not severe. I know many peoples who truly suffer with serious depression and by comparison I feel like I am whining over my little problems. But anyway I feel like sadness, the blues or what ever its called is hovering near me just waiting for the opportunity to sneak in some small crack in my normal happy life and throw it’s blanket over me.

When I first came out to Nick I think the only word that could have been used to describe me was ‘joyful’. I couldn’t remember a time in my life (other than giving birth) that had made me any happier. I was one big grin and people noticed! Co-workers, friends and even my family wanted to know what my secret was – I didn’t tell! I was meeting wonderful like-minded people on the internet. Nick and I couldn’t keep our hands off one another and we were connected emotionally in a way I had never dreamed we would be.

Now I’m a grown up and a realist. I know about honeymoon periods and I knew the giddiness wouldn’t last (although it did for a long time) but giddiness or not I never want to lose the real and tangible improvements we made in our relationship.

So lately I have given great thought to these waves of sadness and tried to see what triggered them and what seemed to help push them away. It comes back to – spanking (sorry to sound like a broken record Nick).

When it comes to erotic spanking we do fantastic! We have had some afternoons to remember. I see these as lavish banquets where we indulge in anything and everything we can even imagine. I truly could not ask for, or even imagine, anything to top these afternoons.

But no matter how wonderful these are I can’t live on the occasional banquet. I need daily nourishment. I need Nick to spank often. I now know that these feeling of sadness come over me when we go for weeks with out any spanking or even discussing spanking. The feelings creep up on me (even though my brain tells me they’re wrong) the feeling that he doesn’t care anymore, the feeling that this is just a game to him, the feeling he’s bored with me, the feeling he’s bored with the idea of spanking and worse, the feeling that everything will go back to the way things used to be.

So many our here say if you want him to spank you - TELL HIM!! I do, I have, I feel like the blog itself has been a three year long request for him to spank more. But sometime you just can’t bring yourself to keep asking. It’s like asking for a kiss. Nothing wrong with that – but if it starts feeling like the only time you are kissed is if you ask for one, well that’s just not what you want. You want him to want to kiss you, to think of kissing you without you asking, maybe send you an email saying he can’t wait to get the chance to kiss you and you don’t want the only time he kisses you to be during lovemaking. Yeah, I often feel both greedy and needy.

My diet – the hook I used to interest Nick in spanking for real – is all tied up in this. For two years I was focused and interested in the diet, wondering whether or not Nick was really into it, if he would hold me accountable, if he would put a few rules and guidelines into play and back them up. His interest kept me interested.

Everyone says “If you are going to diet or get on some plan to change to a healthier life style you have to do it for yourself. You can’t do it for someone else.” Basically I think that’s true. But that has not really worked for me. I knew for 20 years I needed to lose weight and change my habits for myself – but I never did it. It wasn’t until Nick got involved that I suddenly had a reason to do it.

Now I feel like I’m drifting. I’m bored with the healthy lifestyle goal. Sometimes I gain sometimes I lose, Nick may spank or he may not. I sometimes blow off the gym and he might say something or he might not. I have let soft drinks slip back into my diet he may ask about them but he doesn’t tell me to stop.

I need his help, his interest, his consistency! I know the weight is my problem and not his but he is my husband and I need his help. I need him to help keep my interest. That might be the occasional new rule, a specific goal, and motivation!!! Since he is uncomfortable with discipline let’s change the word – let’s do motivation spanking! I think that would surely help get my focus back. I feel dull now. I stand in front of a candy or soda machine and think, “Why the hell not. Who gives a shit if I gain? I don’t care anymore”. But when we are spanking regularly I have a much more up-beat attitude. I can pass these things up for him. I can do it because he has told me – not ask – but told me NO! I don’t know why my mind works like this but I know it does.

Nick has no idea the power I am willing to give him. When he told me “No snacking in your chair” I stopped. But now that he never says anything, I do snack there some. If he said ‘No regular soft drinks.’ for a certain amount of time, I’d stop. If he said “you probably should cut back of soft drinks” in my mind I’d just say to myself, “Yeah there are a lot of things I should do” and ignore the suggestion. On diet topics I want him to be forceful. And if I don’t live up to what he expects me to do, perhaps he could ‘motivate’ me in our own special OTK way.

For this I would really like him to think outside the box. Keep me on my toes. Interest me!!!! He’ll be starting work soon and I don’t want this to be a burden on him. But any morning I could use a few dozen ‘reminders’ not to go overboard on snacking that day, or to be sure to go to the gym, or to pass up desert if I am eating out with a friend. Mollie’s asleep at that time and it wouldn’t take long.

Or when he gets home from work and we find ourselves in the kitchen he might ask if I have followed all my rules today or gone to the gym or what ever. There are plenty of wonderful unused kitchen utensils handy. Whether I’ve been good or bad I’m sure I could use motivation for the next day. I would love to be spanked before we go out to eat with friends or things like that. It would make me feel thought about, and cared about. It can all be done in fun – he doesn’t have to be a drill sergeant but I really think this kind of thing would help me – and yes, I know we still need to work around Mollie but she does nap a lot, and baby-sits a lot. We could work it out I’m sure!

Does this put the burden of me losing weight and getting healthier on Nick? Is he responsible for keeping me from getting depressed? Of course not completely, but yeah some. I know the connection I get from the attention of regular spankings keeps me emotionally connected to Nick. This keeps me pretty happy. And as for the weight, well if I can go to the gym, cut back on the amount I eat and give up some of my favorite junk food for the most part – then I don’t think asking him to give a 30 second spanking several times a week is asking too much. He and I both know the benefits of this life style and I think we both know it’s worth it.


  1. Hi, pk, just wanted to say Ii am back online!

  2. PK, I like the sound of the morning reminder, and if he has time something even better.
    Also occasionally in the evening when Mollie is out.
    Sex on the kitchen table makes a great hors-d'oeuvre. LOL
    Love and warm hugs,

  3. Hi! Well, these were two very thought provoking posts! I cannot wait till the next one (I'll have to wait till Monday since I'll be away).

    Nick is going to work next week, I believe you said, and I wonder if this change is causing food for thought. It will be a change in your current lifestyle so....oh you know what I mean! ;)

    I think we, as women, all feel this depression as we get older. I could relate to the things you were saying. I want to be more attractive to J and I can't seem to live up to my own expectations, hence the sadness and overwhelming feelings.

    I do think men have shut down their dominant feelings as we evolve in this politically correct world. I always think, though, that what goes on in one's home and is consensual is not any other person's business. All of that may fly in the face of politically correct, but so what? If it makes one happy then I am all for it.

    I think 30 seconds every weekday morning is a good idea, too! :) Good enough for tingle through the day, don't ya think?

    All right. I will jump off my little soap box. Thanks for putting my brain to work. Of course, I haven't said nearly as much as I could but, hey, this ain't my blog! hehe :)


    Debbie :)

  4. Your talk sounds like it went well, I hope so. You can't let this get to you. I wished I could help but I don't know what to suggest.

    As Nick wasn't the one that originally suggested bringing spanking into your relationship it's has to be hard for him. He may only want the erotic spanking side and not want the whole thing but as you know, discipline doesn't have to be about giving you rules, chores and god help you if you don't complete. He may be thinking that's what would be involved and he could feel it's too much for him to carry this through all the time and that wouldn't be any fun just a burden on him.

    I don't think you have said what Nick actually feels about the whole spanking thing, or have I missed it.


  5. frenchiesgirl8:02 PM

    can't wait for fantasy friday thank you for keeping them going

  6. Your post sounded like you have been peeping inside my head =-) I have many of the exact same thoughts. It has been along time though hopefully our spanking mojo comes back soon.

  7. Jean,
    I sure am happy to see you here.

    I do hope he will go along with the morning reminders too and I LOVE hors-d'oeuvres!!

    I'm glad I am not the only one thinking and that my friends also get the blues some time. Maybe I am worried about Nick working - he's been home and avaliable to me for 2 1/2 years now and I know I am going to miss time with him.

    (and you can write as much here as you want to, anytime)

    I think you are right that Nick would be completely happy to just stick to the erotic side of spanking. He pretty much understands that and it's hard to get that part wrong.

    I can really understand how confusing any idea of discipline can be. YOu ask a good question 'What does Nick really think about the whole spanking thing'. I'll ask him, I guess I haven't really. And I'll let you know.

    I appreciate you coming by and saying that. I get a lot of hit for FF but it's always fun to get folks that will comment and let me know you still like the series and to encourage the writers.

    So have you ever thought of writing one?? Try it, you might like it!!

  8. Yaya,
    I know many of us have the same thought, doubts and dreams. I think that is why we can make such close friendships just through words. I do hope spanking comes back into your life soon.

  9. PK, I just got to this, and I have to say...stop reading my mind! Er, I mean, this was very well put, especially the part about it being like a kiss, wanting it, needing it, but not wanting to feel like you have to ask for it. In fact, I copied the whole thing into an email for my Nick. Thank you for posting this. It's just how I feel.

  10. Thanks for coming by and commenting Tracy. It helps so much to know that these feelings are felt my my friends too. I read some blogs and think - damn, they have it just right. What's wrong with us. But reading that other struggle with the same things makes me feel better.

  11. Anonymous4:21 PM

    It is nice knowing that my thoughts aren't crazy or that I am not so crazy... that others feel the same way...

    I am in a severe battle with depression at this time. My husband and I work, live and play together...

    We started our relationship 9 years ago as a Disciplined relationship... married 6 years ago with the same guidelines.

    Those guidelines are gone now... there is no kissing for kisses sake, no spanking or control on his part, no nothing. It absolutely affects all aspects of who I am. We get along well but we are more like just friends than anything else and I do feel lost.

    I would talk to Nick. Nip this now. Being afraid to discuss it will make it worse down the road.

    Good Luck!

  12. Anon,
    I'm so glad you commented. And please feel free to email in you like. We started playing with spanking after 19 years of marriage but real life stresses just caused it to die out. But I finally found the courage to bring it up 4 years later and we have been much happier ever since - it's not perfect but what is? So maybe you could bring it up again??

    All I can tell you for sure is you are NOT alone in your desire!! Again email if you like


  13. When I first starting reading this post I started to cry because it speaks to me on a personal level...I just wanted to let you know I hear you and I understand...