I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Saturday, September 08, 2007

I have to say this.

I love writing, I hate getting started writing. I have wanted to write all day yet when I am on I am emailing, checking blogs, commenting anything to avoid writing about what is swirling in my head.

I am married to a wonderful man. I plan on being married to him until the day we die or until he kicks me to the curb which ever comes first. And although we have been in love for 25 years nothing that has come before has ever been as wonderful as the past 15 months. The difference has been like day and night for me. I spent over 20 years hiding who I was and what I needed and wanted. When I did finally open up to him he was wonderful! He may not have understood why spanking was so important to me but he seemed to accept it and jumped into it with enthusiasm.

This past year was with out question the happiest time of our entire marriage. Out sex life was wonderful!!!! It was hard to keep out hands off each other. The minute we found ourselves alone we would look at each other and run to the bedroom! We were like kids (well grow up kids). As he learned that I truly loved to be spanked and got over the fear of hurting me I was in heaven! We would have long spanking sessions then, he knew I didn’t mind the intensity level going pretty high. Being able to feel the wonderful achy feeling the next day could keep a grin on my face that would down right annoyed my co-workers. I walked taller; I was so proud and happy with who I was and who I am married to.

He made spanking toys for me, some simple some elaborate. And I loved every one of them! The toys were nice but the realization that he took the time to make them for me was incredible. For me it said “I love you” in a way that nothing else could.

But I have always had a fear. I have always felt it would not last. It was just too good to be true. He would get bored with the whole thing. And things would go back to the way they were. And where it seemed an okay way to live at the time, I just don’t think I can stand going back to the way I was, locked behind layers and wall of my own construction. But whether or not I hate the thought it seems to be happening.

I don’t think Nick wants this to happen anymore than I do. Can we turn it around again? I don’t know. Nick has lived with me both ways, he just has to like PK better than who I was. I mean the man is not crazy!! Only this morning he was asking what I needed what could he do. So yes he does want to know but I was almost annoyed because I have told him over and over and over but it doesn’t seem to get through to him. I wish he would just go back and read the damn blog from the beginning. Nothing has changed. I went back and read the first two months and it is just as true today as the day I wrote it.

I was thinking that maybe I could get it down to 10 things I want from him. That felt like too many, so I limited myself to 5 but when I start to list things I could really only come up with 3.

1. I need you to spank me. This is the act of love that opens my mind and heart. It is the only thing I know of that does this for me. And if we don’t always have the privacy I need to talk about it. Let me know it is on you mind. Play with me, tease me, threaten me, warn me, and use the privacy we have. No noise we make in the morning before school would ever wake Mollie!

2. Touch me and show affection outside of the bedroom. You were doing this so much and then it just kinda went away. I am not talking about making out in public. Hug me in the kitchen once in a while. Grab my butt when we pass sometimes. Walk with me when we go places. Give me a hug when one of us leaves. Occasionally take my hand or put your arm around me in public. When you do this it says to me ‘I love you and I don’t care who knows it’.

3. Shop with me or for me for spanking toys. I know we really don’t need any more. I understand that, really I do. But you have no idea how much it would mean to me. Some wives want flowers, expensive jewelry, candle light dinners, going out dancing… you would get the same reaction from me if you came home with a paint stirrer, a spatula, or a new wooden spoon. You have no idea what a gesture like this would mean to me. Probably sounds silly to you but it isn’t to me.

When these things happen I am opened to nearly anything he want to try in any aspect of our lives. When all this started for us we would look at each other, I mean really look, and often laugh like we were sharing some delightful secret. We touched often and easily. It was fun and exciting. Nothing stays at the level of intensity of something new and different but we have let it slip too far and I want to work on it. I know me and I need help to not fall back in to my old ways.


  1. PK,

    Nick needn't read your entire blog from the beginning. This post alone should be enough.

    Randy and I have had our ups and downs. Just as you note, the down times were characterized by less frequent touching, loving, and spanking.

    The path back, it seems to me, starts with innovation. I don't mean that you and Nick should take up hang gliding or basket weaving. Small changes can have a great impact. Innovation tends to become self-reinforcing and, given a good effort by both partners, little changes can quickly yield big benefits.

    I think your idea about implements is right on target. Other approaches we use include new role play scenarios, lingerie, costumes, restraints, sex toys, locations (nothing beats a spanko weekend getaway), positions, music, photographs, mirrors, blindfolds, scented oils, body paint, candles, and writing out fantasies. The idea is to make your time together special. By loving and sharing together, you reinforce the bond between you.

    I believe this is probably just a bump in the road. You and Nick are still headed in the right direction.


  2. Hi PK

    Bonnie has given you great advice and I agree if Nick reads just this post it says it all. I really feel for you and I understand eventhough you have opened up how hard it is each time to do it again. Don't give up you will find a way.


  3. PK, dear friend, Bonnie really has said it all.

    Every road has a few bumps on it, when I talk about my marriage, I highlight the best bits, that's human nature.

    We had our times when we seemed to lose touch, one such time was when I realised that Mel no longer needed real punishment, she thought that I was falling out of love because I no longer punished her hard.

    It took a while for her to realise that I loved her more because she no longer needed that incentive.

    This is a blip, you'll see, why not print this post and give it to Nick.
    Love and warm reassuring hugs,

  4. Pk,
    I also think Bonnie and Dove are right about Nick reading this post.
    Email it to him or print it out as Paul Says. We're not nearly as active as we once were but the interest is coming back. Sometimes things just get in the way.
    With David i pretty much h-A-V-E T-O S-P-E-L-L I-T O-U-T. (smiles)

  5. How come Mthc didn't mention that yesterday her ass cheeks were a lovely shade of crimson and that she was covered in baby oil?

    By all her moaning it was a good thing our windows were down or the whole town would have heard her moaning and coming.

    Nick I'm waiting for a great post from Pk that you have come back to your senses and that you had a wonderful SPANKING, SEXUAL time together.

    I like Bonnie's idea on the new approaches so get busy and have a wonderful time pleasing your woman.

    *hugs and grins*

  6. Have you heard the commercials on match.com by Dr Phil? He says girls cannot connect the dots too much for men. We cannot make the lines between the dots to bold for men.

    I also think Bonnie is right, reading this post should be enough.

    I have told Will I want his hands on my bottom or at least on me all the time. That part is as important to me as sex and spanking!


  7. Hi PK---I hope this is just a blip in the road and you all can get back on track. It takes work, just like any other part of a relationship. It is so easy for time to slip by without things happening, and Nick might have gotten the idea that you were losing interest in it--although heaven only knows how? Spanky also doesn't understand why spanking works for me, but sees the results, and loves them!
    I am definitely keeping you in my thoughts.......get him back on track!
    Big hugs,

  8. Wow, Great advice here. I'd print out the comments if possible too! We have ups and downs too. You'll make it through it. So will Nick. Try starting with touching him more and encouraging him to do the same :-)


  9. You guys are super and very smart!! I will answer you individually later today.

  10. Anonymous9:43 AM

    Does anyone else who read the post from Sept 4 think it was a little early to announce a big spanking drought on Sept 8? I am trying to get PK to understand it is mostly a reduction in oppotunity and partially an issue of perception. I agree with many of the comments "Bonnie said it very well".


  11. Nick, if it feels like a drought to PK, it feels like one! I get spanked and sex every day, barring the occasional day when it can't be worked in, usually due to illness. I get weepy if it hasn't happened by 7 pm or so. It is all perception.

  12. Even though this is days later, why do I feel like PK will be doing all of her teaching standing up at the earliest possible moment, if not already?

    Hang in there girl! It will right itself soon!


  13. PK this is such a heartfelt post, and I've so been there. In fact, it feels a little drought-ish around here right now! I know things will come around for you guys, and kudos for you for opening your mouth, er browser about it and saying something! That's always the hardest part for me, and it's always because I feel like "Well, he's given me this long..." What I always end up being shown is that he does this because of his love for me, and he's certainly not run out of that!