I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, July 31, 2006

Strange day

I did not have a good day. My son is leaving for college next week. I have held it together pretty well so far, but this morning it hit pretty hard. I know once he is there and settled I will be fine, but I have to get through this next week without drowning in tears. He doesn’t need that and neither does the rest of the family.

Dr. Phil says that you teach people how to treat you. Well for decades now I have taught Nick to back off and leave me alone when I am feeling strong emotions. Not just Nick, everyone. I know how to put on a happy face and make others feel better. But I don’t know how to react when other offer me comfort it is easier to pull back into myself and assure everyone I am fine and leave me the hell alone.

But now I don’t want Nick to leave me alone. Since we are so new to this I know he still views it as a game to spice up our sex life. That’s great, but I want so much more. I want to feel he is the strong one. I want him to take control. I have gone through everything in my life on my own and I don’t want to anymore. But how do I tell him at this late date. How do I push him away for 20 years then expect him to fulfill my needs when I don’t really know what my needs are.

I don’t think he will spank me if he thinks I am feeling emotional about other things. But that is what I want him to do to change my focus to us. ‘Us’ is where I need to be focused these days. Someday both of the kid will be gone and ‘us’ is all we will have. I want it to be wonderful, but if he backs off when I have strong feelings then where are we. Do I seem as confused to everyone else as I do to myself?
I have to add a footnote to this. I am learning from myself. I wrote this post earlier today when I was feeling pretty bad. Just before Nick got home I emailed him with the short version. I got back a wonderful reply that leads me to think that maybe he is willing to work on many aspects of our marriage. To let you know how truly hard it is to discuss this face to face we actually often sit in the same room and email each other on our laptops. It sounds silly even to me, but it works.


  1. Anonymous11:21 PM

    Elis, You are doing fine!! I've got a lot I want to say... watch your email tomorrow.


  2. Like you, I also retreat into my shell when dealing with emotional issues, kind of like a prickly hedgehog. "I'll do it myself" has been my motto my entire life, yep, even when I was a little girl.

    Funny, as I read this, I didn't see a woman who was confused, but instead a woman who is coming to terms with the changes in her life, and the changes yet to come. I saw a woman longing to have the rest of her life be richer than it is today or was yesterday. I see a woman who has accepted and fallen in love with an aspect of herself she's kept hidden for a very long time.

    It takes time. I'm on the same journey, I too am still learning and taking baby steps. I guess I'm fortunate to be with a man who will not accept my silence. With love and kindness he leads me out of my shell and helps me see that I'm safe to speak my truth.

    Email today, face-to-face tomorrow. Whatever it takes to communicate, by all means...Do It!

    **Big Hugs**

  3. Elis, I think that you are doing great, the fledglings have to fly the nest, if you let them go willingly they will be your adult children loving you but their own person. Hang on and you stand a good chance of losing them.
    Nothing wrong with emails, they work don't they, soft and easy does it.
    As a certain good friend of mine says, "lead with love,".

  4. In order to talk to Bossman about delicate issues such as these we used to e-mail and leave letters for each other on the computer...that sort of thing.

    We've gradutated from that, but not by much. Now we talk, but I still can't really look at him when we are talking.

    Next time your in bed, and it's dark and you're just talking about stuff, try talking about this stuff. Cuddling in the dark and when you can't see his face, is a great way to start talking.

    Start with something small, maybe something intersting that you read in someone's blog. It's a great way to connect.

    This is just the way we do it, but believe me, we still like e-mails and love notes. And I STILL can't look him in the eye!

  5. Eva,
    Thanks you are my life line.

    What you said make me feel as good as anything I have heard lately. I really thank you. I'll remember, baby steps.

    I know I will miss my son. But all of you that I have become friends with here are helping me realize that my marriage is the relationship I need to concentrate on now. The best thing I can do for both my children is to maintain a healthy marriage for Nick and me.

    I am glad to know that I not the only one that has trouble with face to face conversations. I'll work on the bed talk.


  6. Well I went back and read all of Eva's old stuff, and decided to come here. OF ALL THE DAYS. I am down and already teary over work. couple that with the fact my son leaves in 6-7 months. Well I can't even see the screen now for all the tears. Hope this comment comes out right!

    BTW look how far you and Nick have come since this post!