What I really want

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Last week wasn’t my best. I wasn’t happy about work and I wasn’t happy with myself. I realized Friday was coming and I didn’t feel like a spanking. I didn’t say I didn’t need one but I didn’t want one. I sent Nick the following email.

I've been watching my weight this week - watching it climb and climb. I don't even pretend to know what's happening. You can't fix this. I don't know if I'm going to fix it. But I know I'm the only one who can. I'm not mad or sad or annoyed at anything, certainly not you, but right now I don't really care about our Friday agreement.  I just feel kinda blank about it. We can take a break. Will spring and warmer weather help? Probably not, nothing seems to help. I'm not exactly giving up I'm just discouraged. Maybe a couple of weeks of not thinking about it will help, I just don't know.

I wrote that Thursday night and quickly hit send. I didn’t what to think or talk about it. It was after school on Friday that Nick looked at the book where I record my weigh each week. He started to say something and I said, “Have you checked your email?” and that was all I had to say. He checked his email and said no more, we had a pleasant evening, we were both in a good mood and TTWD was not mentioned.  But by the time I went to bed I was feeling a little … off. I was trying to dig into my mind – what did I really want? And then I knew.

What I really wanted was…

for Nick to have done exactly what he did. Accept my feeling and not push the issue. I wanted him to not be mad about what I’d said, about the way my feelings and emotions and needs seem to jump around. I didn’t want him to say anymore about the weight gain. Although in truth he has never fussed about that only that I have to do something about my health before something serious happens.  So I got what I wanted, but…

What I really wanted was…

for Nick to say, “Nope, sorry, it doesn’t work that way. You started this but I’m invested now and unless you completely withdraw consent I’m the one who decided when you get spanked. I don’t give a crap if you gained or not, but you have to do something to assure you’re going to stay healthy.  And I don’t like you pulling away and trying to avoid a spanking. So you are getting a spanking and you may not like it.” But he didn’t say that and I then I realized that …

What I really wanted was…

for Nick to say something, not just to accept my email but to make me deal with it. Email would be fine. I guess I just don’t want him to accept it and say, ‘okay, fine’. I need to be pushed some. Maybe he could make a couple of ‘rules’ to help me. When he’s done this before it’s made things easier for me. Suggestions and ‘you ought to’s’ don’t help. But a couple of rules, about snacking, exercise or bedtime make it easier to stick to. The unused submissive side of me can really use this. But he has to pick rule that he cares enough about to follow through on.  I’ll usually follow them for a while then I get tired of them and slack off. I need him to ‘convince’ me to stick with them.

It’s hard for a girl to get everything she wants when she wants different things. I did get the following email from Nick Saturday morning.

Seems like a peculiar time to not feel like a session is needed.  Remember all the times you said not to let you off the hook?  I'm still considering.  Maybe a general stress/motivation evening.

I haven’t heard any more – but ultimately it might not come down to what I want.