I wasn’t sure I was going to write this, but here is where I sort out my emotions and this feeling hit hard and fast I didn’t even know it was there. I’ve said I worried about my weight because of health reasons, and that is the main reason. But evidently that’s not the only thing that’s bothering me.
Sunday night I went to our church to hear a singer. Nick stayed home. This singer used to be a church member when I was a kid and although he’s about eight years older than me, he was my first crush. They moved away when I was ten and he came back with his wife and baby when I was sixteen. I still had a crush on him, and he flirted with me a bit then – I was a cutie as a teenager.
They were gone again when I was eighteen. My crush had burned itself out. I’ve seen him a time or two since, but not in the past twenty years. I was looking forward to speaking to him at the dinner after the concert and seeing how his kid were doing, but that didn’t happen. Something hit me as I walked in – I felt fat and frumpy and ugly. I wasn’t expecting it, it hit from nowhere. But it hit hard. Looking over at my first crush I could plainly see that he wasn’t exactly a stud anymore – he had white shaggy hair and a bit of a gut himself, but I wasn’t interested in what he looked like, I was too busy feeling bad about myself.
So I never went over to speak to him. I listened to him sing, and then I left without going to the dinner. I couldn’t decide which would be worse; that he wouldn’t remember me or that he would remember and see what a fat mess I’ve become.