I wasn’t sure I was going to write this, but here is where I
sort out my emotions and this feeling hit hard and fast I didn’t even know it
was there. I’ve said I worried about my weight because of health reasons, and
that is the main reason. But
evidently that’s not the only thing that’s bothering me.
Sunday night I went to our church to hear a singer. Nick stayed home. This singer used to be a church member
when I was a kid and although he’s about eight years older than me, he was my
first crush. They moved away when I was ten and he came back with his wife and
baby when I was sixteen. I still had a crush on him, and he flirted with me a
bit then – I was a cutie as a teenager.
They were gone again when I was eighteen. My crush had
burned itself out. I’ve seen him a time or two since, but not in the past twenty
years. I was looking forward to speaking to him at the dinner after the concert
and seeing how his kid were doing, but that didn’t happen. Something hit me
as I walked in – I felt fat and frumpy and ugly. I wasn’t expecting it, it hit from nowhere.
But it hit hard. Looking over at my first crush I could plainly see that he wasn’t exactly a stud anymore – he had white shaggy hair and a bit of a gut himself, but I wasn’t
interested in what he looked like, I was too busy feeling bad about myself.
So I never went over to speak to him. I listened to him sing,
and then I left without going to the dinner. I couldn’t decide which would be worse;
that he wouldn’t remember me or that he would remember and see what a fat mess
I’ve become.
Oh PK...sitting here with tears in my eyes...I am so sorry you feel this way. I hope that Nick can help you feel better about yourself. Sending lots of positive energy.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings...
Cat
I didn't tell Nick about it. I really appreciate the positive energy,
Delete(((Hugs))) PK, I am so sorry you felt like this and hope too that Nick can help you to feel better.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
I don't think Nick would have understood what I was feeling. I don't feel that way all the time - I can usually fight it off, but I couldn't that time.
DeleteBIG HUGS sent your way PK!! :) I'm sorry that you felt this way at the event. I hope that moving forward you are able to do the things that you can to help you to feel better about you. To feel healthy and confident for you. Here's the thing though- I had the pleasure of meeting you a few months back, when the chips were so down in my world. The woman that I met was not any of those things- not on first impression or after four hours of joyful conversation. The woman that I met was beautiful, well dressed, kind, fun, and had a heart of gold. That's what your old friend would have seen. Believe it. I did! And I look forward to another visit one day. Don't let those kind of thoughts stop you from sharing all that you are. ;)
ReplyDeleteSorry I haven't been around. I'm hoping things even out at best, and I can be active around once more. In the meantime, know that I am thinking of you, am SO happy that Nick responded to your letter and that he has stepped up for you!!! SO wonderful that you told him!! Feel good. Love and hugs sent your way,
<3 Katie
Katie, you're good for me. It's like when you get a new hair do a couple dozen people can tell you it looks great, but if one says it awful, in your head you're saying, "Finally, someone was honest!"
DeleteI'm usually the only one who say ugly, unkind things to me. If it were anyone else, I'd just stay away. Most of the time I can just block it. The other night I couldn't.
I appreciate everything you said.
Oh PK , I know that is not how you look! I am sorry you feel that way, because it can be so hard to fight our way out!
ReplyDeleteHowever even though we haven't met, I echo Katie's sentiments whole heartedly!
I will also tell you that when I feel like that, I need to do something to make me see myself as beautiful. Try something that does that!
Thanks Minelle I'm afraid I haven't seen myself as beautiful in a long time. I just wish weight loss could be done quickly.
DeleteYou are not fat and frumpy. Remember, I've seen you. You may be a little heavier and older than when you last saw him, but you are far from your picture of yourself, you're a bright, kind hearted person and that's so much more important than anything else.
ReplyDeleteDon't be disheartened. If you want to change your outer image, that's fine but it's your inner image that makes you you and that's what people see and love. Just ask Nick he loves you, not the picture you painted in this post.
Leigh, I do thank you. This will go away - or I'll hide it and try to ignore it. I hope it was a momentary feeling and maybe as I lose a little I'll start feeling better in general.
DeleteI echo all the above, and friends see the 'inner' you...the you that counts. I have never had the pleasure of meeting you in person, but i know that the 'outer' you is not as you described.....hang in there!
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Abby I think that's one thing I like about on line - some here have seen me, but I think I type much skinner than I look in person!
DeleteDarling, we all are not as much of a "cutie" as we were. That being said, there is absolutely nothing sexier than a woman who feels like she is sexy. Nothing! You'll get there and when you do, you'll love how sexy you are.
ReplyDeleteBut how, how, how do I make myself 'feel' sexy?
DeletePK, smile & breathe.
ReplyDelete"Perception is reality" is a cliché that is cliché that is both very true and totally false. That others don't see you or think of you the way you feel is clear - and true - from the comments above. That your mental vision of yourself was as describe is no doubt true - as a mental vision. Yesterday.
Just for today set yourself a small goal. One more compliment to a random stranger ("great top"), one more savoring of the world around you ("weirdly twisted tree ... wonder how nature did that"), one more physical success ("take the stairs both up and down this time"), one more professional step ("plan what bang up thing I wilI do to engage my students the Monday after Thanksgiving recess"), and/or one food step. ("Half the meat, twice the veggies" or "buy carrots and slice; store in cold water.")
Repeat. One day at a time.
With warm wishes, Jon
Thank you for taking the time Jon. I really am trying to concentrate on little things I can do that will be positive.
DeleteYou are NOT to think in this way, PK! I positively forbid it!
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I truly sympathise about the ageing process. I started crying and moaning the other day about my appearance to Dan, and ended up getting spanked about it. I am getting that I feel very jealous about all these beautiful young things sashaying about, but there isn't a lot I can do about it.
You NEED a trip to Italy. It will open you eyes to just how sexy older women, who are shall we say, a little broader on the beam than they were thirty years before, look. As Monty Python used to say "Always look on the bright side of life!"
Lots of hugs
Ami
I wish I could moan and grown more - I keep everything inside, I only tell you guys so I don't get spanked for such thing. I doubt we'll be getting to Italy any time soon, but I'm working on it.
DeleteI remember Italy ... Ami is right. Sexy is the new "a certain age." With a smile, Jon
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteYou should get a good spanking for feeling that way about yourself. You are a wonderful woman, a wonderful wife and mother and author and I am sure he would have been happy to see you. Promise yourself you will start thinking positive thoughts about yourself.
ReplyDeleteFD
Bless your heart, you're speaking my language. Unfortunately, that's not happening for this. I'm working on it honest.
DeleteI agree with Florida Dom
ReplyDeleteThanks Blondie.
DeleteIts all a matter of perspective. Some days I feel old, tired and blobby,the next day I feel fit and energetic. Weight difference; zero. Any change in life style that focuses on your self perception will fail, but your self perception may force a change of life style with wonderful, positive results.
ReplyDeleteAs Florida Dom said, think positive thoughts. From there all things are possible
Don,
DeleteYou're right about how you can feel from one day to the next. But we're not coming into the best season for positive thought. Staying in bed and pulling the covers over my head often sound good. Can't let it happen though.
PK, after reading all these great comments I hope you are doing better. I can certainy relate to how you were feeling. My approach has been little steps to make me feel good. Wearing my favorite color, putting on little dangly earrings, taking a short walk .. nothing major, just shaking up my routine a little. I need to get my own weight loss effort going again before cold weather sets in. Wishing success to both of us.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Meg
Thanks for coming by Meg, I'm better, but I can't seem to get with it - I want to go to bed for a month or so. I don't want to feel that way but I haven't hit on the spark to get me going.
DeleteHi PK, oh bless you. None of us are as cute as we were are we? I have lost weight but I haven't lost any years!! The thing you are forgetting here is that Nick loves you as you are now. As the weight comes off you will start to feel better but these things do take time and at least now you have started. I think maybe a shopping trip for some new clothes is coming up, that always helps ,
ReplyDeleteLots of love and sympathy Jan,xx
Hey Jan, I'm afraid the shopping trip will be a while in the future, shopping right now is not something that raises my spirits. Age doesn't bother me - I know too many truly old women, late 80 and 90 that I think are beautiful. For me it's definitely the weight and not a soul can do anything about it but me. If my knees weren't so stiff I'd try kicking myself in the butt.
DeletePk, nothing is as it was before.
ReplyDeleteAre you happy? I think you are happy, you have a husband who loves you, the children you have managed to raise them well. Your health is quite ok.
Do you know what men consider beautiful on a woman?
When she is happy, she is beautiful. Happiness is then shown in her eyes. That is what catches a man. Happy women are beautiful women. This is not from my head. There's Bas who has said it. And he knew what he was talking about, right? With all his wisdom.
You are totally right Mona - I do know that and I know I have every reason to be happy, marvelous husband and children, good job, my health - I am so grateful. I do know Bas would agree with you and I know how kind and wise he was. Why am I down and why am I down on myself? I don't know, but I'm still trying to find my way out.
DeleteAs we get older we are not as physically beautiful as we once were. I think we need to be careful not to let fear of what we think others think overwhelm us. As I look back on my life there are some regrets of opportunities missed. I did not do something because of something if that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteSo sure I take into consideration what others think but not let it control me. Like I don't want to so things that make others feel real uncomfortable but also what they think is up to them. And the next thing is I try not to miss out on things.
Sorry to preach.
Sorry to hear that you left not having spoken to him.
Consider next time a deep breath and go up and say hello.
Best of luck
I know, right now I'm still happy that I didn't talk to him. I may regret it someday. A different night, a different mood, it might have been all right.
DeletePK, Hollywood and fashion magazines create an illusion of what is SUPPOSED to be sexy and beautiful for both woman and men. It is hard to ignore it because it relentlessly bombards us in television, movies and magazines.
ReplyDelete18-25 year old boys are the only ones who judge a person by that standard alone. I am personally attracted to a smile and a happy countenance when I meet someone new and we all can possess that regardless of how far afield we are from the image makers fantasy ideas of what is pretty.
Show'em your smile and you can warm any heart my friend.
Hugs and Blessings,
George
Thanks George, you are right, I really know that. Most of the time I feel that I can pull off that smile whether I feel it inside or not. That evening I wasn't able to. I appreciate you coming by.
DeletePK,
ReplyDeleteThat feeling of not looking like you did when you were younger has been experienced by so many people. The truth is we all get older, it is part of the cycle of life. I have to tell myself everyday, do not long for what was-enjoy what is.
Although I have never met you and only know you from your wonderful Cassie story and your blog I know in my heart that you are a beautiful person. Don't be ashamed of your body, it is the glow of your heart that everyone see. Hugs, Sharon
Oh, PK, I can completely understand. I resisted having pictures taken for so long that our photo album looks like my children didn't have a mother! I missed out on many things because I didn't want to look ridiculous in my fat body doing it. Now I look back at the few photos of me and think "What was I thinking? Sure I was too big but I wasn't as bad as I thought."
ReplyDeleteI've seen a picture of you and Nick and you are the cutest little thing! Really. Not, "even though..." You just are. It's true that the sparkle in the eyes and a smile that shines from the eyes draws people. That man would have gone away thinking that you were a delight. Having said that, I only started to believe it about myself after we started TTWD. I used to think my husband HAD to say I was beautiful. I am his wife and he's not stupid. Now I choose to believe it. I really get it. But don't wait for the time you reach a goal. Look in the mirror and love something you see RIGHT NOW. Then ask Nick to tell you one thing that is beautiful physically about you. Stop doubting. If you think you're lying to yourself, start with something small like your cute toes or the color of your hair (which is a beautiful silver).
Rosie Dee